by J. J. McAvoy
“A list?”
“Of everything and everyone that is important to you. Write down your hopes and dreams. And then ask yourself, is this obstacle—whether it is one person, place or thing—worth burning your list over? If not, then you do whatever you gotta do. The world takes what it wants, Noah. If you want to have a heart, fine. But it doesn’t need to be shared with anyone not on that list. Whatever morals everyone else has mean shit the moment the people they love are taken from them. Everyone is ruthless. They just don’t know it until they need to. It is just that simple.”
When he hung up, I did realized he was right. We were similar. I believed the same thing. The only reason why this was so painful was because it was family—I had lost family.
“We are here, sir,” Daniel whispered, but I couldn’t step out. I just stared for the longest time, and when the doors closed again, he held them open until they buzzed, like an alarm reminding me the world waited for no one.
Stepping out, he led the way though he didn’t need to. The signs above us clearly marked where we needed to go.
A man in a lab coat said, “Mr. Sloan—”
Ignoring him, I walked in and Daniel kept him back.
“Austin,” I whispered, knowing full well he wouldn’t be able to reply. He wouldn’t be able to see me. He just laid there, his skin—what wasn’t burnt off—already losing color.
“Austin,” I called his name again, reaching out to take his hand from under the sheet. “Austin,” I repeated. I had so much to say, but his name was all I could manage, as I wept, as I sobbed for a man who wasn’t just my manager, or friend, but who I saw as an older brother. “Aus … tin.”
For more than ten years, he had always been right behind me, and now he was gone. Just gone. It wasn’t like the movies. I didn’t get to tell him thank you. He didn’t get any last words. He was just dead, a body on the table. And it was my fault.
“I’m so … I’m so sorry Austin.” My eyes burned, tears rolling down my face and off my chin right onto him. “Forgive me.” Please forgive me.
“Thank you for everything. Thank you for being my brother and friend when everyone else left. You saved me. Amelia and I will do better. We won’t let all your hard work go to waste. And we’ll never forget the person who made us who we needed to be. I swear. It’s the best I can do.” Wiping my eyes, I put his hand back under the sheet, standing up straight again.
Exhaling, I stepped away from the table and moved back to the door.
My list now was just Amelia.
My dream? The both of us, married, kids of our own, still acting.
It was all possible—after we healed from this.
Amelia
“Are you awake?”
Opening my eyes, I saw him sitting right beside me, brushing my hair back gently.
“Noah ...” I smiled, my eyes focusing on him. “You’re here.”
“Where else would I be?” he asked softly. “How do you feel?”
I didn’t think about it until I tried to move. “Ugh ... sore.”
“Yeah. Just rest—”
“Austin?” I remembered, cutting him off as I became fully alert. “What happened? Austin went back for Esther—we had a plan, my stupid plan, but he’ll explain but—”
“Amelia,” his voice was hard yet barely over a whisper. Taking my hand, he kissed it and shook his head.
“What does that mean?” I stared, trying to pull my hand away. But he held on tighter. “Why are you shaking your head like that?”
“Amelia—”
“Where is Austin?”
He didn’t answer.
“Noah!”
“He died…He died yesterday.”
“What?”
“Amelia—”
“No.” I fought back my tears. “No.”
“Shh,” he whispered, moving to the bed, lifting me into his arms.
“It’s my fault,” I said, holding on to him. “It’s my fault…Noah—”
I cried. I sobbed for him they way I did when Noah and I broke up as teenagers, my tears soaking his shirt. My heart ached in a way I never realized it could for anyone but Noah.
Chapter Twelve
Noah
One Day Later
“Noah.”
“Ms. London, any comments?”
“Will you be staying together?”
“When are the funerals?”
“Noah, how do you feel knowing it was your family behind this?”
It was neverending, the flashes, the screaming and pushing. We got no space, no room to breathe, as Daniel, along with a few other bodyguards he had hired, made room for us to get into the airport. I held onto Amelia as tightly as possible as we pushed through. And they followed us inside. We were like zoo animals to them.
The only peace, the moment we were free, was when we had to get through security, and even they gawked. The didn’t speak, but at least they weren’t snapping pics—
“Dude, seriously?” Daniel snapped at one of the men behind the machine who took a picture of Amelia as she walked through the metal detector, her sunglasses still on. Grabbing my jacket when I got to the other side, I took her hand again, walking as quickly as possible to our gate.
We weren’t able to get a private plane on short notice, and it wouldn’t have been big enough for the bodies—both Austin’s and Esther’s, who the Chicago PD declared died on-scene, though she was too badly burnt for them to really know, nor were they going to investigate. So I bought out all of flight UM4707 to Los Angeles.
I handed over our tickets, and silently we got on board. Amelia walked right past the flight attendant, taking her seat quietly by the window.
“Austin didn’t want to be buried in Chicago?” She whispered, unable to look at me when I sat down.
“No. He felt like this city had too many gravestones with his last name already.”
She bit her lip, and I held her hand.
We wouldn’t be able to come here for a while.
One Week Later
“My mother, Esther London, was a diva. She had to start every morning with a grande iced sugar-free vanilla latte with soy milk and a cup of nuts. Her heart was divided between many passions—acting, her husbands, the men she wished were her husbands,” she joked, getting more than a few low chuckles, “and last, but most importantly, my sisters and me. It was no secret that she demanded the best from us. And what some people might have seen as an overbearing Hollywood icon, we saw as a free-spirited, fun-loving mother with a vision. I…I loved her deeply. I will always love her deeply. And I’m proud to be her daughter.”
Amelia stood up beside me, wrapping her arms around Antigone, who had given the speech for them. I’m sure people were expecting Amelia, however she couldn’t just do it and I couldn’t blame her. We had Austin’s funeral yesterday, and twenty people showed up. Twenty. Most of them were from various agencies I figured he had been in contact with. The news had called him a hero, and he was, but he wasn’t a celebrity, so even though Amelia had personally planned out everything and called everyone she knew, they all told her the same thing: they’d come to Esther’s, and they were sorry for our loss. Like that meant anything.
In the end, I guess it was better than being around a bunch of fake people, with fake tears, pretending they actually gave a damn.
There were three hundred people here, along with another couple dozen outside, all here to pay their respects to this woman—this awful woman. They would never truly know.
We sat as actor after actor came up to honor her, telling stories, laughing, and crying. And Amelia and I had to endure it all like a sick punishment.
“Noah,” Amelia whispered, leaning into me, “I can’t take much more.”
Nodding, I squeezed her hand, looking over to find the organizer—
“No. She’s our mother,” Mayko said under her breath. “She deserves this, at the very least.”
Amelia glanced over, her annoyance displayed clearly on her face. S
ince we had come back, she and Mayko were butting heads. I’m sure it was grief, but they couldn’t see eye to eye on anything. Amelia just gave up and let her do whatever she wanted with the funeral.
“Fine,” Amelia said, looking back up front.
Amelia
I needed a second to breathe, and the only place that offered that was the bathroom. Rushing in, I grabbed the edge of the sink, dropping my head.
“Amelia!”
Leave me alone! Go away! Please go away! I screamed in my mind when Mayko burst through the door, dressed in black with a yellow ranunculus, Esther’s favorite flower, pinned on her chest.
“You can’t just run away from the reception!” she yelled at me.
“Why not?” I asked, facing her.
She looked at me like I had lost my mind. “She’s our mother—”
“So you keep telling me. Esther was our mother, and now Esther is gone, and I’m tired. I’m so tired you can’t even begin to imagine. I don’t want to be around people—”
“You just want to be with Noah?”
“Yes.”
“You are so fucking selfish,” she sneered. “His brother is the reason why she’s dead, and you can’t even separate yourself from him for a second? Esther said once that you lost sense of what was really important when it came to him. And I didn’t get it I was young and—”
“And ignorant!” I was done doing this with her. “Esther. Esther. Esther! Since I have come back, that is all I have heard from your mouth. Maybe it didn’t connect, but I lost my mother, a friend, and was kidnapped a week ago, Mayko—a week! The woman you’re talking about, the woman everyone is honoring today, I loved her too. But she hurt me. She hurt me often and for her own selfish gains. Do you remember seeing me as a kid? Are their any family photos us of as children together? She did that. She blew her money and then worked me to death. On holidays, birthdays, I could never breathe! Food was snatched from my mouth because she didn’t want a fat daughter. I thought of killing myself. You can romanticize her all you want. You can pretend she was the best damn mother in the world. But don’t ask me to give any more of myself to her because I. AM. TIRED!”
As I walked past her, she spoke up when I pulled on the door.
“You lied to me, you know that?”
“What?” I faced her again.
“When we were in Chicago. I called you and asked had you heard from her, and you said no, you hadn’t for months. That she might have run off with someone. Then the very next day, you and her are in a car accident. I can’t help but have this feeling that you are hiding something.”
“I am,” I answered truthfully, and she looked at me with shock, which I didn’t understand. “I’ve been hiding things about Esther from you and Antigone all your lives. I did my best to spare you from as much of her as I could. So when you saw her, you got the fun mom. The mom that let you skip school, eat ice cream at 3 a.m., and throw massive sleepovers. The only adult in our family was me. So I’ll ask you, Mayko—do you want to know the truth? Do you want to carry Esther’s skeletons too? Because once you know, there is no unknowing, and you’ll never ever be able to remember her kindly again.”
She opened her mouth to speak, but couldn’t. She just stared, and that was more than a good enough answer.
“I thought so. Noah and I are leaving. I won’t be home for Christmas. Noah and I go on the promotional tour for our movie soon—”
“Is it really that bad?” She interrupted. “Esther—are her skeletons really that bad?”
“They are worse than you can imagine. And if I could switch places with you and not know, I would. So don’t ask anymore, Mayko. Remember the good Esther.” Because I couldn’t, and she deserved at least one person to truly care.
Noah
One Month Later
“You know we have to do this, right?” Noah asked, handing me a bottle of water and sitting beside me.
We were in yet another hotel, this time in Paris. The film festival would start in four days, and we had so much to do. That started with picking a new manager. Tonight, we only had an hour or two before we had to get to work.
“Yeah, I know. I just feel like we aren’t going to like anyone,” she said, frowning as she twisted the bottle open. “Before Austin—before he died, he told me there would always be great managers, but that there are very few actors worth working for. But I don’t want to think anyone could replace him.”
“I know.” I felt the same. But I had also made a promise to him. “He worked this hard to get us here. If we let it crumble, it’s all in vain, and I can’t accept that, either.”
“Fine, bring them in,” she waved over to Daniel, who walked outside.
“Try to have an open mind? We need hurry up and get this over with,” I said her when the door opened and a woman with red hair, wearing a tight black dress and yellow heels, stepped inside.
“Next,” Amelia said immediately. The woman froze and glanced over to Daniel, who smiled politely. “Thank you from for coming.”
“What was that?” I asked when the woman turned around and stomped out.
“Me hurrying though this,” she said casually.
“I said be open. She didn’t even get a word in.”
“Noah, how long have we been doing this? We should at least be able to spot managers we don’t want at a glance by now.”
“And you’re basing on this what, exactly? Because you kind of looked jealous for a second,” I said. Which turned me on for some reason.
“You wish,” she said, crossing her arms. “Her dress. I could see she hadn’t removed the tag, which means she’s not confident. She’s wearing brand new heels, too, which means she is also not practical, because even though she looked nice, I could still tell she couldn’t wait to get out of them. We don’t need a manager who is not confident or practical.”
“I would have preferred if you were jealous,” I said, trying to fight back a smile. She was healing. We both were.
“Where are you going?” she asked when I stood up, kissing her forehead.
“To take a shower while you use your Nancy Drew powers to get us a manager,” I replied, heading to the bedroom.
“This was your idea.”
“Yeah, and you’re better for it. If you decide you want to, feel free to join me afterward.” I winked at her and closed the door behind me.
Grabbing my bag, I walked into the bathroom, rubbing the side of my face, I didn’t want to shave, but … no, screw it. I was keeping the scruff. Reaching into the bag for my toothbrush, I saw the pill bottle.
I stared at it for a long time before opening it and pouring the contents into the toilet. I had nothing left to be anxious over.
Amelia
“Did you find anyone?” Noah asked, coming out of the bedroom with only a towel wrapped around his waist and drying his hair with a hand towel.
And I just stood there.
“Amelia?” He frowned, looking me over, his eyes finally pausing when he got to the letter in my hand. “What is—?”
“Austin’s lawyer had this sent over. He donated everything to a women’s shelter back in Chicago, but he left you this.”
He didn’t come any closer. He didn’t speak he just stared at it.
“Do you want me to read it?” I asked.
“Please,” he said softly, nodding.
Biting my lip, I broke the seal carefully, pulling out the letter. Noah gripped the chair in front him.
“Dear Noah”—this was going to hurt, I could feel it—“If you’ve gotten this letter, I guess that means my luck’s finally run out, and you’re probably blaming yourself because for some reason, you pick up the burdens of others and carry them even when you don’t or shouldn’t have to. It’s amazing, really, how self-sacrificing you are—almost stupidly. I thought so even when you first came in to my office all those years ago. You pretend to be so tough, when deep down, you are nothing but a bleeding heart.”
“God Austin, still not pul
ling any punches,” Noah said, smiling, though I could see the tears he wouldn’t let fall.
“It is for this reason,” I read on, “that I needed to tell you it isn’t your fault. And even if somehow, for some reason, I’m wrong, like you ran me over with a tractor and it really is your fault, then you need to know I forgive you. That sucks, but I forgive you because in my eyes, you will forever be my little brother. You’ve been through so much. I only hope I was able to ease the burdens in your life a little bit,” Ah! I had to stop to wipe my eyes before pushing on. “You deserve to be happy, Noah. Don’t worry or dwell on me. I’m not upset I’m gone. The years helping you were the best of my life because I did something. I was more than just another face passing by in the background, and at the very least, you know that. If you knew how depressed I was before working for you, you’d believe me when I say thank you for offering me that job. Thank you for fighting to be a better human being. Watching you gave me hope that others could, too, if they just worked hard enough, if they never gave up. So grab Amelia, and marry her like a proper man. She’s sweet, kind, and a little odd, with the fire in her to get through even the darkest times, which makes her the only person out there for you. For once in your life, live like couples do in the movies—happily ever after—because again, you deserve to be happy. See you on the other side. Signed, Austin J. Kugelman.”
“Goddamn him,” Noah whispered finally, looking up to me, his eyes red as the tears fell. “Even now, even in death, his letter, his last letter, was about me. He should have asked me to do something for him, right? Something just about him.”
Putting the letter down, I walked over to him, wrapping my arms around his neck as he held me.
“He did ask you to do something,” I said softly, feeling his tears fall on my shoulder. “He asked you to be happy.”
Thank you, Austin.
One Year Later
“It’s so us,” I whispered to Noah, squeezing his hand as we waited for them to announce the awards.
