Heart Wish

by Mary Crawford

  “I can do.”

  “I brought you a bunch of clothes too. By the time we’re done, you won’t even recognize yourself.”

  Toby draws in a deep shuddering breath. “I think that’s the point.”

  As we park alongside the tarmac watching planes take off, Toby takes his finger and licks the last dredges of cherry topping out of the container just like he used to do when he was little. It’s as if focusing on breathing fresh, clean air is enough. We haven’t said much to each other. Even so with every stilted word and every offhand joke, my brother seems to be shedding the weight of the world.

  Toby’s favorite discovery amongst the clothing and accessories that Tristan provided is the brand-new state-of-the-art cell phone, but he still appears cautious.

  “Are you sure Rapture doesn’t have anything to do with this? She’s pretty well connected online,” Toby frets as he turns his phone over and over in his hands.

  “I am 1,000% certain she doesn’t have anything to do with this. Whoever this ‘Rapture’ person is, she is safely tucked away in jail with no Internet access.”

  “This thing is like a computer in my hand. It’s wild.”

  “I don’t want to press, but — how did she keep you away from stuff like phones? They’re everywhere.”

  Toby sighs. “I thought the bad guys had Mom too. Rapture understood all about this military stuff like you did. She said Osama bin Laden had been killed and that the terrorists blamed you. Rapture claimed they were after me and my whole family. She said if I told anyone who I was, everyone I knew would be killed, including you.” He shrugs. “I was little. I knew you killed bad guys, and I recognized the name Osama bin Laden from your letters and videos. I knew Rapture from the video-game world. She was the real deal there, so I didn’t know if she knew stuff in real life too.”

  I pinch the bridge of my nose as I try to process his words.

  “I never in a million years dreamed being a soldier would put you at risk like that. I thought I was keeping my country safe. I am so sorry she used my military experience against you. For my own sanity, I have to ask — did she ever hurt you?”

  “You mean, did she torture me like a prisoner of war or beat me?” Toby asks sourly. “No. She was too weird for that. For a while, she tried to pretend like she was my family — like some weird mom or big sister figure. But, I think she eventually got tired of that too.”

  “Did she ever say why she took you?”

  “Yeah. Rapture was the BadassAvenger. Until I came along, there was nobody better at video games than her. She was mad because she’d spent several years becoming the best there ever was — or at least that was true in her own mind. When I leveled up on her, she was pissed off. She figured that if we joined forces, we could take over the entire video game universe.”

  “Didn’t people recognize you from the gaming sites?”

  “In the beginning, Rapture didn’t allow me anywhere near the Internet. She had me programming some weird military game. She told me she had contacts within the Pentagon and she was going to revolutionize the way drone strikes were done in real life warfare and that she was going to use my skills to change the way military combat was done. She said it would make her a millionaire and that we would be able to buy out Microsoft, PlayStation and all the other big players in the industry.”

  “You knew how to program computers at thirteen?” I ask, trying to cover my shock.

  Toby rolls his eyes and shakes his head. “Did you forget that Mom and Dad were both teachers and I was a terrible athlete? What else was I supposed to do with my time? I read books stupid fast. Computers interested me. Dad was always messing around with that kind of stuff. I could only whittle so many sticks in the woodshed with him. I started doing the computer stuff instead.”

  “Wow! I never knew you had all those skills. If she trusted you with computers, why didn’t you message someone?”

  “It was a while before Rapture let me use the computer without being supervised. In the beginning she watched everything I did. When she started being blitzed from the drugs, I use to sneak and watch the news. But, there was never anything about me. So, I figured she was right. Either Mom and Dad weren’t looking for me, or something terrible had happened to them. I didn’t want the terrorists to go after you.”

  “I’m sorry you ever had to worry about that. So, how did you guys hide out in plain sight for so many years?”

  “We moved around a lot. Rapture worked from home as one of those call-in computer tech people. She would remote into other people’s computers and fix their problems. We didn’t have to leave the house much. She eventually got bored playing house with me and started taking drugs. They made her super paranoid when she was awake. Fortunately, she slept a lot. But, she had cameras everywhere. It was like I was under lock and key. Prisoners have more rights than I did. So, I did my thing. I started doing her job because she was too strung out to do it. The people on the other end of the computer screen didn’t know who was helping them — so, it didn’t really matter. As long as the paychecks kept coming in, I had food and a place to sleep. It beat moving around all the time. It became my new normal. ”

  “What changed?” I ask.

  “I don’t really know. Rapture got ticked off because the delivery service overcharged her for her Walmart order. So, I guess she had me go along as her ‘muscle’ to convince the management to fix the problem. The next thing I know the store security people are all over us, and they’re asking my name. I was freaked out. I gave them the name Derek Dobie.”

  I raise an eyebrow.

  “Yeah, that’s the stupid name she gave me. I never want to hear it again. I’m done being that person.”

  “I bet you are. There’s some stuff you need to clear up at the police department to make sure Rapture doesn’t have the opportunity to do this again. But, there’s a whole group of people who are anxiously waiting for you to come back and be Tobias Payne.”

  “I’m sorry, Jameson. I can’t do that. I’ve spent too many years pretending to be somebody else. I gotta figure out who I am. I gotta start over from scratch. I’ve lived in so many states I might as well start here.”

  CHAPTER 21

  KENDALL

  I SWALLOW A FEW CURSE words as I get another paper cut. I grab a tissue from my desk. I glance over at Kiera and Tara who are helping me put together the packets for the charity auction and grumble, “I still can’t believe he didn’t take me with him. This is like Lyle all over again. What in the heck is wrong with me?”

  Kiera wheels over and hugs me. I have to bend down so she can reach me from her wheelchair. “There’s nothing wrong with you. Sometimes when guys get scared, they run. Sounds to me like Jameson is trying to protect his heart from a world of hurt and you got left out of the circle. It doesn’t mean you’ll always be left out. It’s probably just the circumstances. Jeff tried to do that with me when we first got together. I got a severe case of muscle cramps, and my husband didn’t handle it well. He closed down and wanted to end our whole relationship. He was just afraid of getting hurt.”

  “Wow! That seems a little drastic,” I remark.

  Tara nods. “Some guys are prone to overreact. Remember when Aidan hit a bump in his career and thought he would never be good enough for me? He swore he’d be the one holding me back, so he considered splitting.”

  My eyes widen. “Aidan O’Brien? Mega superstar, owns an incredibly successful recording studio, mentors several other artists, the love of your life? That guy? I thought he’s been in love with you since he was five years old?”

  “He has. But that doesn’t keep him from having crazy ideas about us. Every guy I know has insecurities that come roaring back to life when things are stressful. You can let it destroy you, or you can figure out how to work around it.”

  I slump back in my chair. “That’s just it. I’m not sure that there is a work-around here. Jameson left without explaining why. It’s like all of those months we worked together to find T
oby didn’t count for anything. I mean … come on! I don’t have a bunch of fancy credentials for my job, but I worked hard to put all the pieces together to find his brother. I help families with reunification plans all the time. He didn’t want me. Why am I even here? I’m not just pretty window dressing. I won’t do that again,” I whisper harshly.

  Kiera pats me on my knee. “I don’t think that’s what Jameson wants either. He’s proud of what you’ve done here at Locate My Heart. You should have heard him the other day when he was pitching an idea to Madison about how she should feature you weekly on her lifestyle show. He was not speaking as a man who lacks faith in you.”

  “It’s nice that he’s proud of me — but there seems to be a wall there. It’s like he doesn’t really trust me on some level. He’s sweet and romantic, but he doesn’t trust me with his heart. I’m his girlfriend and I want to be there for him when he’s hurting. If he always shuts me out, what can I do?”

  Tara puts down the packets she’s been assembling and looks at me directly. “Nothing in your relationship has been easy from the start. Everything has been formed under fire. Don’t expect that to change anytime soon. It’s not necessarily a bad thing; it just makes it harder to sort through what’s important and what can be let go. Right now isn’t the best time to make decisions about your relationship. You’re too busy putting out fires.”

  I laugh softly. “Putting out fires is a pretty good description of what we’ve been doing. Some of them are more fun to put out than others.”

  “I understand. Aidan and I have been there too. Nothing like making up after a big fight.”

  I throw my hands up in frustration. “I like fireworks. I may look all cotton candy and dimples, but I’ve got some heat behind me. But Jameson and I are not even fighting. We’re not anything right now. It’s like Jameson has dropped off the planet. I don’t know —” I let my speech trail off as I look at my friends.

  Kiera studies me carefully. “I hate to tell you this — but I don’t think Jameson is intentionally being the villain here. As uncomfortable as it is, I think you should wait for life to settle down on his end. Maybe work on a few ghosts from your past — it may make it easier to deal with whatever is coming.”

  I wad up a piece of scrap paper and throw it at Kiera. “Darn it! Having super-smart friends is such a double-edged sword. You’re probably right. Still, that doesn’t make me less likely to bury my face in a package of Oreo double-stuffed cookies tonight,” I confess tearfully.

  Tara walks over and hugs me from behind. “Hey, there’s nothing in the Girlfriend Posse code that says you can’t do both. That’s what we’re here for. If you need backup, let us know.”

  I curl up in the big leather chair that used to be my dad’s as I pull up Lyle’s number on Skype.

  “Hey, do you have a few minutes to talk?” I greet when I see his toothy grin.

  “Yeah,” he answers in a startled voice. “The kids are in bed, and Pamela’s out at one of those makeup or Tupperware parties somewhere. What’s up?”

  I pause for a moment as I try to gather my thoughts. This is so awkward. As I think back, I don’t know if we’ve ever talked about this. We just tried to move on with our lives. Maybe that’s the problem. “Can we talk about us for a minute?” I ask haltingly.

  Lyle swallows hard. “Kendall … We’ve been over for years … I’ve moved on with Pamela. I have a whole life and family here. You understand, right? I love her. Whatever you and I had is over.”

  I gasp. “Oh my gosh! I didn’t mean like you and me as a couple — I meant like what we had as a family. Or what we could have been ... I don’t know. I guess I’m trying to figure out how you were able to move on. How did you get unstuck? Did you just forget about Quinn?”

  “Oh God, No! I was there when he died. I’ll never forget about him. No matter what I accomplish in life, he will be my biggest loss. The son who never gets to drive his first car or kiss his girlfriend or get married and have children of his own. I know what the medical records say, but I’ll always wonder if things would have been different if I’d only checked on him one more time.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me this?” I demand. “I thought I was the only one who thought those things. I drove myself crazy.”

  “Are you kidding?” Lyle counters. “You were so strong and put together. You handled everything like a champ. Not only did you clean up all the messes in our lives — you were out helping other people. You didn’t need me. You didn’t need anyone. I just stepped back and let you lead your life. You were full of goodness and hope. I was full of rage against the world. I wasn’t doing you or anyone else any good, so it was better if I just left. I support what you do, but I can’t be part of it. The pain is just too much.”

  “So, you just made a conscious decision to choose a different life?” I push.

  “Sometimes you have to choose to put one foot in front of another and walk toward what makes you happy — even if you know that it will cause some pain along the way.”

  I take a gulp of hot chocolate before I look through the camera lens at the man I once thought I loved more than life itself. “What if it’s all just an illusion? Maybe I’m just a fraud.”

  “What do you mean?” Lyle asks with a concerned expression.

  I shrug. “Every day I go to work at Locate My Heart, and I pretend I have all the answers for all these grieving, hurting families. Yet, I can’t seem to move past Quinn’s death. I’m like the great pretender.”

  “Ken... it’s not moving past. It’s going forward despite. Quinn will always be there. Neither one of us can ‘un-love’ him. Loving someone else or having more children doesn’t mean we didn’t love each other or love our firstborn son. It means the world moves forward and we have to go with it.”

  “You make it sound so easy,” I accuse.

  “I don’t know what to tell you. It is easy and hard all at the same time. The new stuff eases your pain some — but the memories never go away. You have to give yourself permission to be happy. That’s probably the hardest part.”

  “Permission? I don’t know that I’ve ever done that. I might have to give it a try. Thanks for the pep talk. For the record, I still think you’re a pretty good guy. Give your wife and kids a hug.”

  “Take care yourself, Kendall. You deserve it. Whoever this new guy is, he deserves you too. Don’t forget that.”

  “Bye Lyle. Sweet dreams.”

  “I’ll try.”

  Deciding that some communication is better than none, I hit the FaceTime button for Jameson. I’m a bit taken aback by his surroundings. “Are you sleeping on Tristan’s plane?” I ask when he groggily picks up the phone.

  Even in the dark shadows, his fatigue is evident. He looks broken. My urge to comfort him is a tactile thing. I reach out and touch the picture of his cheek. I’m heartbroken for him.

  Jameson holds up his finger to his lips. “Yeah,” he whispers harshly. “This seems to be the place Toby is the most comfortable. So, we’re just hanging here for a while.”

  “Everything okay?”

  “No. I don’t know when it will be,” he answers succinctly.

  “Anything I can do to help?” I ask.

  “I don’t see how, unless you can rewrite time,” Jameson answers with a sigh.

  “Sadly, I can’t do that. I wish I could. It would be easier for me to help you if I was there with you.”

  “Maybe, but I don’t think so. Everything is complicated. I don’t need to deal with the mess of us.”

  “Is that how you see us? A mess? Is that all I am to you?” I ask indignantly.

  “No! Look, I can’t talk about this right now. I’ve got bigger issues. My parents still think my brother is dead. I’ve got a brother who needs a world of help who doesn’t believe he needs anyone, including me. We’ve got to collect evidence on some deranged woman who thought she was going to take over the military with a video game. I don’t have time to figure out my personal life right now. I’ve got
too much other crap to sort out. I figured you of all people would understand that. I’ve got to go. I don’t think Toby has slept in five years. He sleepin’ now and I don’t want to screw that up.”

  I stare at my phone with Jameson’s photo shining up at me as the phone goes dead. The picture is one the proprietor of the spa took of us after our massages on our magical long weekend. Jameson had just kissed me breathless and I was literally weak in the knees. His adoring expression seems to mock our current reality.

  I blink away tears as I cram a couple of Oreos in my mouth and wash them down with insipidly cold hot chocolate. I make one more phone call.

  My brother picks up right away. I take a shuddering breath before I sob, “I did it this time. I ruined everything. Oh, Wills, I need help.”

  “Professional or personal?” he asks. “I guess it doesn’t matter. I’m making reservations as we speak. I’ll be there in the morning. Don’t do anything. Go to bed. If you eat any more cookies, you’re going to throw up. Back away from the Oreos.”

  “How did you know I was eating cookies?” I reply guiltily, covering the bag with my blanket.

  “You always eat Oreos when you’re upset. Besides, I can hear the crinkle of the bag. You hate throwing up with a passion. This Jameson dude isn’t worth all this. Whatever is wrong, we can work through it. Hang tight.”

  “I don’t know if this can be fixed. Jameson’s words sounded pretty final. He doesn’t seem to want me in his life right now.”

  “Kendie, I’ve seen the guy. He’s head over heels gone over you. He may be the strong, silent type, but the man has a thing for you. He is your heart wish. You don’t give up on heart wishes that easy. You just find another way to make them come true.”

  “That’s easy for you to say. Your world isn’t collapsing around you.”