I wait with futile anticipation for a gentle caress of air but none comes.
He’s still, silent, watching, and waiting for my next words.
“I’m in love.”
I speak directly to the retreating sun, which is casting a magenta haze across the surface of the sea. The last time I watched the sunset with Tristan, the colors of the setting sun were a fiery wash of crimson, orange, and yellow. Today, the pink sky bleeds into purple casting an ethereal glow on the slow-waving water.
“I guess wherever you are, you already knew that, but I feel like I should tell you anyway.
“He’s perfect, Daddy. Perfect for me anyway.
“But I guess you already knew that too.
“I just can’t shake the feeling that you sent him my way.
“You always taught me that there was no such thing as coincidence, and meeting a new soulmate on the same day I had to say goodbye to my original one is too lucky to be true.
“‘You know it’s Fate when your rational mind can’t explain it. If the answer is ‘I don’t know,’ it’s destiny.’ That’s what you always used to tell me. Well, I can’t come up with any other explanation for finding Tristan so soon.
“Most people are lucky to find one soulmate in a lifetime, to find two before the age of twenty makes me blessed beyond belief.
“So thank you.
“For whatever role you had to play in it, whatever favors you cashed in, whatever promises you made to the angels, whatever helping hands you provided, thank you.
“I love and miss you more than you could ever know.”
This time a large gust of warm wind brushes past my face and shoulders, causing me to smile skyward even as tears cascade down my face.
“I’m scared, Daddy,” I whisper after a while. “I’m scared to love him when I know one day soon I’ll have to say goodbye to him like I had to say goodbye to you.
“I find myself squeezing him just a bit too tight. Holding him a bit too long.
“I almost wish I didn’t know his number.
“It’s far away enough to lull me into a false sense of security, but close enough to taunt me with every passing second.
“I can’t even bring myself to think about our future, I just want to freeze time forever,” I say to the silence. Looking down, my eyebrows raise in surprise when I realize I’ve been fiddling with my stopwatch without knowing.
“I wish I could find a way to keep us in the present, to keep him forever.
“If I thought it would work, I’d say a prayer on a million shooting stars, blow out a billion candles, and dream on a thousand dandelions. If it would stop the passage of time. If it would bring you back. But I know it won’t do either of those things.
“I can’t do anything and that’s what hurts the most. I’m being crushed under the weight of my powerlessness.
“You made me believe I could do anything I wanted in life and it was the biggest lie you ever told me. No matter how hard I try, I can’t control time.”
And even though I’m sitting in the stillness, I swear that through my sobs, I can hear my dad whisper in my head, “But just because you have to say goodbye doesn’t make you love him any less.”
“No, it doesn’t,” I answer to the invisible. “And that’s part of the problem; I never had a choice but to love him. Just like I never had a choice but to love you. When I realized I’d have to say goodbye, it was already too late.
“I loved him before I knew him. I missed him before I met him. We were soulmates long before we were strangers. And now I have to balance a lifetime of ‘I love yous’ with a single goodbye.”
Thank goodness, not a single soul is around because I’m full out weeping now. To the naked eye, I’m just a desolate girl with questionable levels of sanity, talking to herself.
Maybe I am those things.
But right this second, I don’t feel like I am.
I’m nothing but a scared and soul-stricken young woman, coming to terms with reality, and asking her vanished father for advice.
“Are you happy wherever you are, daddy? Are people nice wherever it is you’ve gone? Are you taking care of yourself? I know it’s crazy, but I worry about you. I know you don’t have a body to fail you anymore, but I worry about your spirit.
“I hope you’re okay. I hope you can hear me. I hope you miss me like I miss you. Because I miss you so much.”
The answering silence almost appears affronted at my final question, making me smile at what my dad would say if he was sitting next to me on this bench.
He’d chastise me for asking a question when I already knew the answer.
If there’s a place people go when they die, I know wherever it is, my dad would be in the front row, watching and missing me even more than he did when he was alive.
How I hope there’s a place people go to when they die.
The idea of never seeing my dad again, in whatever form he’s taken now, in never feeling Tristan’s calming presence once he’s left this lifetime, is too hopeless to contemplate.
I may not have a God, but I do have hope.
So clinging to that hope like a life raft in the stormiest of seas, I watch as the wind propels the waves onward and let it comfort me. No more words are spoken, but my silent father gives me the strength I seek.
The strength to love a boy who will one day disappear.
The courage to prepare myself for the longest goodbye.
And the hope that one day, maybe, possibly, perhaps, we’ll all be together again.
“YOU HAVE TO keep quiet, okay?”
“He can’t know you’re here. It’s our little secret.”
A shuffle followed by a thud is the only response I receive.
“You okay back there, bud?”
I take the yelp as an answer in the affirmative.
The excitement flowing through my bloodstream is so potent, it’s a struggle to sit still in the car. Some people love receiving presents, while others love giving them. I love giving them.
I always sense I’m more excited to give someone a gift than they are to receive it.
This is no exception. As my biggest present yet, I can’t wait to see the look on Tristan’s face when I gift him with the adorable Alaskan Husky puppy in the backseat.
I’ve just brought him home from the animal shelter I started volunteering at last week. I’d spoken to my mom and Tristan about how best to divide my free time and they’d both agreed that it was better to volunteer for one or two charities and make a big difference, rather than do a little bit for a lot of them. I can always mix things up and work for different charities next year. If I’m still alive, of course. I know better than to talk about plans for the future as if they’re guaranteed.
I love working at the shelter so far, it’s at once heartbreaking and heartwarming. I try to focus on the positive and the joy the animals bring, but hearing about the treatment some of them have received at the hands of their previous owners has tested my fundamental belief in human goodness. It’s tough to remain carefree in the face of cruelty. It’s also hard seeing how long each of them have left and knowing the ones that will end up being put down in a few days or weeks.
My mom is allergic to cats and dogs, which is the only thing preventing me from taking all of the animals home with me like I want to.
While a lot of the pets in there started life as an unwanted present gone wrong, I know Tristan will take good care of my four-legged friend in the back. If he doesn’t want him, my mom will just have to take allergy medication every day, because I’ll adopt him.
The second I looked at him on my rounds of the shelter, it was love at first sight. Pleading, arctic blue eyes looked up at me, pulling on my heartstrings with their guileless gaze. He jumped up and down, as if begging me not to leave him behind, and I was unable to ignore such a request.
I’d been searching for the perfect gift for my boyfriend’s birthday anyway. Like so much in our story, this felt like another piece of in
terference by Fate.
I love being able to call him my boyfriend.
We’ve only been an official item for two weeks since that day in the sea, but I know we’re ready to parent a pet. I was his long before I was his girlfriend.
More than that, I hope that the excitable bundle will be the perfect solution to Tristan’s loneliness. Tristan’s so isolated up in the forest that I worry about him so much. His only real friends seem to be the ones I introduced him to. I don’t mind sharing them at all; it just makes me sad he doesn’t have any of his own for me to meet.
Our unnamed puppy can love, protect, and entertain him when I’m not around to do so.
Speaking of the puppy, I glance in my rearview mirror and watch with amusement as he peeks his mischievous head out of the aerated gift box which I’ve placed him in for the element of surprise. He meets my gaze in the mirror and crouches down, lowering the lid of the box with a thump.
I laugh out loud at his antics, especially when I hear him do it again. I’d be happy to play rearview peekaboo with him if I wasn’t driving and worried about crashing. He’s a dangerous distraction.
I’m on my way to Tristan’s cabin to celebrate his birthday. The rest of the gang is joining us later, which should be fun.
Ten minutes later, I pull up to the house and switch off the engine. Ever since the first time I visited, I’ve always made sure to switch cars with my mom when I know I’ll be coming here. The terrain wreaks havoc on my tires so I need her sturdier hybrid SUV.
I know I have about two minutes before Tristan comes outside to see if I’m okay, and what’s taking me so long, so I only have a short amount of time to go over the plan with the puppy again.
Unbuckling my seatbelt, I lean back and do the same to the one that’s securing the large gift box, complete with a red adhesive bow on top. This causes the puppy to give another questioning shout and peek his head out again to see what’s going on. I stretch to stroke his head, causing him to lean into my touch.
“Okay, bud, so here’s the plan.”
He tilts his head to the left, causing the lid of the box, which is resting on his head, to slide down.
“Your new daddy is going to come out here to say hi soon, but you’re not allowed to come out and greet him until I lift up the lid, okay?”
I know we don’t speak the same language, but I swear he’s listening and understands what I’m saying.
“You can’t make any noise. It’s a surprise. We’re playing a game.”
At the word ‘game,’ his ears prick up and his tongue starts to wag in excitement.
“Shh, not yet.”
From the corner of my eye, I see the cabin door open and Tristan’s head pop out from behind it. He sees my car and straightens before making his way down the steps and along the path.
As it always does when I see him, my pulse quickens and butterflies take up residence in my stomach. I hope I never lose that feeling. I hope he gives me a lifetime of butterflies. However long that lifetime is.
I dismiss that last thought as soon as it comes. Today is about celebration, not sadness.
“He’s coming. Hide now,” I tell the puppy, gently pressing down on the box lid before turning round in my seat and laughing to myself at the fact I’m conversing with an animal like it’s my best friend.
Thankfully, for both the dog and me, that position has already been filled by the golden-haired gentleman who is currently opening my car door with barely contained excitement.
Beaming, I fling myself out of the car and into his waiting arms before leaning up on my tiptoes for a world-stopping kiss.
“Hi.”
“Hey.”
Even though my arms are around his neck and his are resting just below my spine, I’m hit by a sudden shyness and hide my face in his chest, making him chuckle.
The transition from friends to forever has gone far smoother than I think either of us thought it would. Because we both knew, it was inevitable.
Becoming a couple has been as natural and instinctive to us as breathing. But on occasion, there are faint traces of awkwardness and anxiety.
It’s hard to explain, but I don’t want to lose our friendship in the excitement of our romantic relationship. He’ll always be my best friend first and my boyfriend second, and I think it’s the same for him.
“Happy birthday,” I say, titling my head up to smile at him.
“Thanks, Baby Bear.” He kisses the tip of my nose. “I’m excited to spend it with you. Something tells me it’s going to be the best birthday I’ve had in years.”
With a deep kiss, I try to redirect that train of thought before it even leaves the station. I know he was starting to think about the last two birthdays he spent alone; and the recent ones before, which were spent with a grandfather who didn’t recognize him, or maybe even his first birthday following the death of his parents when he was eight years old.
It makes me realize just how long he’s gone without a proper celebration.
Tristan is the only person who can both mend and break my heart. One he does on purpose, the other usually happens by accident.
How long has it been since someone sang him ‘Happy Birthday’ or made him a cake? For how many years has this day passed unnoticed or under a melancholic cloud devoid of any silver lining?
No wonder he was shocked when I asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday. At the time, I didn’t understand his surprise at such a simple question. Although quiet affairs, birthdays have always been a big event in my family, so it didn’t even occur to me that people might not have the same excitement surrounding theirs.
Now I understand. Even if I wish I didn’t. It makes me even happier to know all the things I have planned for today and the fact our friends will be celebrating with us later.
He deserves nothing less. He deserves so much more.
Before things become too heated out in the open, we break apart, too soon, if the reluctant expression on his face is anything to go by. I smile at him with a knowing wink, which makes him laugh.
“You look beautiful. You always do.”
“Thanks.” I glance down at the new dress I bought with Maia and Erin last weekend.
I love it. It’s a beautiful shade of peridot that the girls swore brought out the unique, vivid green of my eyes. The top of the dress is form fitting, hugging my curves, and cinching my waist before flowing out into a knee-length skirt with a shimmery gold overlay that looks like glitter and feels like magic. One of the most beautiful things I’ve ever owned. I look like an adult Tinkerbell.
My hair is down in loose swirls, which tumble over one shoulder. I know Tristan secretly loves it this way even though he’d never tell me how to wear it. Most days, I’m in flats, but today I borrowed a pair of my mom’s metallic wedged heels, which complement the dress. A light stroke of liquid gold eyeliner on my upper lids and black kohl liner below finishes my Hollywood moment.
I’d never say it aloud, but I feel beautiful. Fortunately, I have an amazing boyfriend to say it for me. Plus everything sounds better spoken from the lips of the one you love. It’s only fair that I return the favor.
“I’m a lucky girl. You look more handsome every time I see you.”
And he does. In a black cashmere sweater and slate grey dress pants with wavy hair that he’s run his fingers through, he looks almost edible. The dark colors make his swimming pool blue eyes stand out in a mesmerizing way.
Thinking of blue eyes leads me to remember the frosty blue ones I was talking to earlier. I jump with a start, causing Tristan to look at me in perplexed amusement.
“You okay, Baby Bear?”
“Fine. Just excited that it’s your birthday! You’re twenty-three today.”
“I am.” He laughs, unimpressed by my ability to count.
“We’re going to have such a great time.”
“I always have a great time with you. In fact, time ceases to exist whenever we’re together,” he says as he traces the cha
in of my stopwatch, which is tucked inside my dress. Shivering at his delicate touch, I give a bashful smile at his words that mean more to us than most.
“Likewise.”
“So you want to come inside? You can help me set up.”
“No, I have to give you your first present before we do.”
“Here?”
“Yes.” I release my hold on him and turn back toward the car.
“You can’t just bring it inside?”
I think of the furry ball of energy in the backseat, who is playing the game well at the moment, but I know it won’t last for much longer and with his history, I don’t want him to feel neglected for too long. With their lupine ancestry, huskies are sociable animals, and ours was often left alone for long periods, so he craves contact even more. It’s another reason why I think he’s perfect for Tristan.
“No, it has to be here and now.”
“Okay, Baby Bear. Also, first present?” he asks as if he’s just heard my earlier statement.
“Of course, what kind of girlfriend would I be if I only gave you one present?”
Warmth and love mingle and flow through my veins as I notice him brighten when I refer to myself as his girlfriend. It’s nice to know it means as much to him as it does to me.
We all need at least one person to care about us as much as we do them. It may be hard to quantify, but you know when an imbalance of emotion exists. Just like you know when it’s evenly matched.
“You’re already the best kind of girlfriend. You didn’t have to go to any extra effort.”
“Nonsense. It’s my job to take care of you and spoil you. Just sit back and enjoy it.”
He tries to blink away the glistening in his eyes before I see it but he doesn’t do it quite fast enough. He goes to talk and chokes slightly so he clears his throat and tries again. “Thank you.”
I nod in acknowledgement, before animating my expression. “So, are you ready for your first gift?”
“Yes.” He sparkles with a childish excitement he doesn’t even try to conceal.
“Okay.” I laugh, opening the back door and reaching into the seat to pick up the box. The puppy gives a small yelp, which I try to conceal with a cough, but thankfully, he doesn’t raise his head and spoil the surprise.
The Counting-Downers Page 16
