The next stage can be a little messy so I would advise you to wear rubber gloves. I would also advise against imagining any part of your husband’s anatomy at this point. Pull open the turkey’s legs as wide as you can, then close your eyes and stuff your pudding deep and hard into the waiting crevice. Once this has been done, place the bird into your oven at the right temperature (this will vary depending on the size of the bird and your family’s immune system). Then take the bottle of sherry, go and lie on your bed and sleep until Boxing Day.
CHRISTMAS ENTERTAINMENT
Once Christmas dinner is over and the family is well and truly stuffed, there’s nothing nicer than a bit of entertainment to aid the digestive system. This is one of the easiest parts of Christmas Day. Simply take the trays off your laps and turn the volume up on the television. For those without a TV guide, here’s a selection of some of the finest family favourites for your festive viewing this, and every other, year.
The Silence of the Reindeer – Anthony Hopkins is crazy old Kriss ‘the Killer’ Kringle, whose annual serial-murder spree is jeopardised when his bungling nephew, played by Will Ferrell, takes over one crazy Christmas Eve. Memorable for the classic lines ‘Can you help me get this sofa onto the back of my sleigh?’ and ‘I ate his liver with a mince pie and a nice glass of sherry’.
You Ain’t Half Hot, Mum – a special festive edition of the classic Seventies sitcom about a middle-aged man still living with his mother. Mrs Rex’s hopes for a fun family Christmas are scuppered when her son Oedipus wins a romantic mini-break to Clacton in the office raffle. Things get complex and it’s laughs all the way as she attempts to spurn his madcap, inappropriate advances in a variety of hilarious ways!
The Snowman 2 – in this sequel to the much-loved animated tale set 30 years after the original, the little boy, still traumatised by the whole experience, has grown up to wander the streets of London in his pyjamas and dressing gown, talking to snowmen and trying unsuccessfully to fly. Features the haunting new Aled Jones song I’m Walking In the Area.
THE YEAR AFTER CHRISTMAS
Once the big day is over, there’s just Boxing Day, the returning of gifts, the sales, assorted additional get-togethers, New Year’s Eve and the hangovers to get through before life returns to its normal, predictable, dreary, uneventful state. Roll on, January, dears!
VALENTINE’S DAY
Valentine’s Day is the most romantic day of the year – a day of love, passion and overpriced roses. Unless you’re married, of course. Then it’s pretty much the same as every other day. To be fair to Stephen, he does occasionally remember – often around April – and when he does I know I’ll be made to feel like the most beautiful woman on earth. He’ll dim the lights, open a bottle of Asti Spumante and make me wear his Angelina Jolie mask.
Being married needn’t mean the end of romance, however. If you are prepared to make the effort, you will find that Valentine’s Day can be every bit as exciting as it was when you were a love-sick teenager. You could book a table in a nice restaurant or take the day off work and whisk your partner off to Paris or Camber Sands. Personally, I like to use my culinary skills to create the perfect romantic evening.
Last year, I arranged for someone to baby-sit our children. She was a lovely old lady who lived on the next street – ever so sweet and a little absent-minded, so it was relatively easy to persuade her that she’d agreed to take care of them for the night. It’s such a shame she’s no longer with us, as we’re constantly looking for a good babysitter, but she did survive until well past midnight which is better than average.
With the children out of the way and Stephen down the pub, I set about transforming our humble two-up two-down into a palace of romance. I drew the curtains, draped Stephen’s red ‘Keep Korma and Curry On’ beer towel over the lampshade, popped his Barry White LP on the hi-fi and made for the kitchen to prepare my special romantic meal, St Valentine’s Day Moussaka – a mouth-watering combination of lamb, aubergines, herbs, spices and chocolate mousse. I’ll leave the rest to your imagination, dears – suffice to say, there wasn’t much Ceefax watched that night…
HALLOWE’EN
Stephen’s favourite holiday is undoubtedly Hallowe’en. He loves the fantasy, the mythology and the fact that he doesn’t have to wear anything special. Very often, we’ll spend the entire night watching back-to-back horror movies, starting with something slightly scary such as the original Frankenstein or Alvin and the Chipmunks before building up to stronger fare like The Exorcist and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and ending with our wedding video.
As well as our horrorthon, we sometimes host our own Hallowe’en party. It’s a wonderful opportunity to see old friends wearing ludicrous costumes, although some make more effort than others. Stephen usually just puts a pillowcase over his head. He can’t even be bothered to cut out eyeholes. He just spends the evening bumping into things and falling over, so he doesn’t even bother to behave any differently than usual, either.
If, unlike Stephen, you want to make a bit of effort, you can make your own costume or hire one from a fancy dress shop – here’s a list of the most popular Hallowe’en costumes, rated from one to ten in order of scariness.
Ghost
Witch
Vampire
Werewolf
Frankenstein
Frankenstein’s monster
The Duracell Bunny (well, it scares Stephen)
Flying Monkey
Piers Morgan
Flying Piers Morgan
A traditional game played on Hallowe’en is Bobbing for Apples, in which children attempt to remove floating apples from a bowl of water using only their teeth. Ever inventive, our children have developed their own version – Appling for Bobs, in which they compete to see who can make the most money from selling items they’ve stolen from the local Apple store to either Bob the Fence or Bob the Nearly-new Computer Store manager.
EASTER
This is one of Stephen’s favourite holidays – he just loves dressing up and hopping round the house and at Easter this behaviour is far less conspicuous. Over the years he’s tried a number of different costumes but for me, his most effective was Glenn Close – I can still see the children’s faces when he showed them what he’d done with the Easter Bunny.
chapter nine
A Problem Shared
Even the most successful marriage can encounter the occasional hurdle. Most are riddled with them. In this final chapter, I take a look at some of the most common marital problems and advise you how best to overcome or ignore them.
COMFORT
One of the greatest dangers in a relationship is that a couple simply becomes too comfortable with one another. This may sound like a positive thing but it can mean the death knell for a marriage. Familiarity breeds contempt, as they say. After a period of time (about a week in our case) a husband or wife might find themselves having to listen to their partner burping loudly and breaking wind. While in our marriage this was marginally preferable to having to listen to Stephen talk, it was nevertheless a concern.
So, what should you do if you and your spouse are becoming too comfortable together? One solution is to try to recapture that initial frisson of unfamiliarity, that time when you don’t really know your partner terribly well and you are still trying to impress them. There are a number of ways this could be achieved – one or both of you could try wearing a new scent or artificial moustache, one or both of you could change your name by deed poll or one or both of you could take part in a witness protection programme. Each of these will introduce a much-needed element of uncertainty to your relationship and before you know it, you’re closing the door when you go to the toilet and hiding text messages from your lover all over again.
SNORING
While an apparently harmless activity, snoring can be the bane of the married person’s life – it can cause sleeplessness, exhaustion, irritability an
d an irrational (or rational) desire to murder your partner. If this is the case, I have the answer, dears. Scientists have now developed a special pillow which is 100% effective in stopping snoring – provided you hold it firmly enough.
THE REMOTE
Although, no doubt, a wonderful technological innovation, the television remote control is nevertheless the curse of the modern marriage. In days gone by, it was necessary to get up from the sofa, walk across the room and press a button or turn a dial on the television set in order to change the channel. Fortunately, there were only a couple of channels, otherwise it would have been necessary to change the living room carpet every few months. However, with the development of infra-red technology came the remote and with it a host of new channels, leading to a significant increase in marital conflict and having to change the sofa every few months.
Remote control envy, as relationship experts call it, can be highly destructive. Some wives – for it is almost always the husband who is guilty of dominating possession of the remote – go to great lengths to try to escape what they term ‘flicking hell’. They hide the remote, remove the batteries and even throw it in the bin but all to no avail – I know from personal experience. While Stephen couldn’t find a matching pair of socks or clean pair of underpants if they were right under his nose, he’s like a bloodhound when it comes to finding his way home in a state of acute inebriation and locating the television remote. If you suffer from this seemingly insoluble situation, I have just one word of advice for you – divorce. It may seem drastic but it’s really far more acceptable than the alternative – getting rid of the TV.
COMMUNICATION
Most couples will tell you the secret to a successful marriage is communication and I am in complete agreement. If you want to maintain matrimonial harmony, it’s vital you keep communication to a bare minimum. My motto is ‘If you don’t talk, you can’t argue’. Keep all exchanges as brief and to the point as possible and, whatever you do, never discuss your feelings. These are strictly for your diary or turning into angst-ridden poetry, not for airing in public or private. No good ever came from sharing your thoughts and dreams with your partner. A couple can be carrying on perfectly well when, completely out of the blue, one partner might happen to mention that he doesn’t really like cheese or that he’s always wanted to be a train driver. Or a woman. Revelations like these can only cause harm to a relationship and are far better kept to yourself. Of course, Stephen and I have no such secrets but we nevertheless keep all conversation as succinct and superficial as possible, often spending weeks avoiding each other entirely, just in case.
POLITICS AND RELIGION
On balance, I would say it’s best to avoid discussions on religion in a marriage, unless one of you is the Pope. Theological matters have been a cause of great division and bloodshed throughout the centuries and, in my experience, there’s quite enough of that in a marriage already, thank you very much.
Likewise, politics can be very disruptive as it can throw into sharp relief a couple’s differing ideologies. Personally, I always say who I vote for is a matter between me and the ballot box, as is my recipe for Spam Bourguignon and where I keep my premium bond winnings.
SCIENCE
One of the many curses of the modern marriage is DNA testing. While it can be a highly effective and entertaining plot device on CSI Miami and Jeremy Kyle, it can be a minefield for those of us living in the real world, causing no end of trauma. In fact, Stephen was so suspicious that he recently arranged for a paternity test of his own. I can still see the look of anguish on his face when it revealed that most of the children were his.
THE IN-LAWS
When you marry someone, you’re not so much gaining a husband or wife as gaining a husband or wife and a husband or wife’s parents, otherwise known, from that day forth, as the in-laws. In-laws can come in all shapes and sizes. They can be warm and welcoming or daunting and destructive. The relationship between a wife and her mother-in-law, for example, can be an extremely challenging one. There can be a huge amount of unexpected jealousy and resentment – there certainly was in our case. But eventually some kind of truce was established between us as I was forced to accept that, no matter what, Stephen was never going to go back to her.
INFIDELITY
Infidelity can invade the sanctity of even the most devoted marriage. While not as serious a problem as those I have covered up to this point, it can still be a cause of considerable tetchiness. If you suspect your partner may be having an affair, there are several tell-tale signs that can confirm it. These are different, depending whether the husband or wife is the adulterer.
The wife’s demeanour may become distant and preoccupied. She could get a new hairstyle and suddenly start going out more, possibly to spend time with ‘an old school friend’. You may find she becomes forgetful and neglects certain daily tasks such as checking the use-by date on the yoghurt and making the children’s packed lunch. She may mope around the garden, humming the theme from Love Story and saying things like, ‘Where do you think this marriage is heading?’ and, ‘Do you still love me?’.
The husband’s demeanour may be erratic and bouncy. He could get a new pair of underpants and suddenly start going out more to spend time with ‘that dancer with the tattoos from the Bongo-bongo Club’. You may find he becomes forgetful and neglects certain daily tasks such as placing three-horse accumulator bets at Chepstow and going down the pub. He may dance around the living room in his underpants, singing Mr Lover-lover and say things like ‘Still got it’ and ‘Yippee-ki-yay’.
So, let’s assume your spouse is having an affair – what should you do now? Personally, I’m in accordance with Tammy Wynette when she sings Stand By Your Man. At least, I would be if I could find his stand by button. The important thing is not to panic. Look on the positive side – an affair needn’t be a bad thing. It could be the wake-up call you needed, reminding you that you have been neglecting your partner. It could also result in a huge amount of guilt and shame, meaning you might get that nice pair of shoes you’ve always wanted. At the very least, it will mean you’ve got the house to yourself a bit more often, so everyone‘s a winner! If it weren’t for her at number 38, I don’t know when I’d get time for my sudokus.
OTHER PROBLEMS
It’s obviously impossible for me to address every single obstacle you are likely to encounter in your married life in one chapter. However, if I have missed your particular problem, don’t worry, dear – just read on and, with any luck, you’ll find the advice you so desperately need.
The other day, I was taking a long walk in the park when a young lady came up to me. Her eyes were red from crying and her hand shook as she took hold of my arm and said quietly, ‘Mrs Fry, I have a terrible, personal problem. You’re so very kind and wise. Could you please give me some advice?’
I looked deep into her teary eyes. How could I possibly ignore this poor woman’s words? I knew exactly what to do – I went straight home and rang the local evening newspaper. They were terribly excited at the prospect of a local celebrity offering their services as an Agony Aunt – or Agony Cousin as I insisted on being referred to (the term Aunt implies a woman of a certain age and my age has always been extremely uncertain – particularly to Stephen). I knew it was my duty to use my kindness and wisdom to help all those poor, desperate souls out there. The Local Evening Gazette has kindly allowed me to reproduce my very first column, covering the topics of food and relationships, in this book. Unfortunately, the incompetent editor of the newspaper somehow contrived to place my answers to the relationships questions in the food section and vice versa. However, it still caused quite a stir, by all accounts.
DEAR EDNA…
Food
Dear Edna,
What’s the secret to cooking a really great Sunday lunch?
It’s all about instinct, dear. Some people put their heart and soul into it. Others prefer to tak
e their time and savour every moment of the process. Personally, I like to close my eyes until it’s finished.
Dear Edna,
I love spaghetti bolognese but I can’t chop an onion without crying. Do you have any tips?
I have a similar problem, dear. I find that smearing it liberally with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter generally does the trick. Alternatively, you could leave it out altogether.
Dear Edna,
I’m entering this year’s W.I. pancake making competition but mine are always so limp and tasteless. How can I make the perfect pancake?
You can find all sorts of helpful ‘ingredients’ online these days, dear. Failing that, there’s always Nigella.
Dear Edna,
How do you know when Stephen’s sausage is done?
He sings God Save the Queen and falls asleep.
Dear Edna,
You’re such a culinary marvel. What dishes do you enjoy cooking the most?
How to Have an Almost Perfect Marriage Page 13
