“Cass...”
“Don’t bother to deny it. We all know it’s true. You’ve shut down, Jack and we don’t know how to reach you.” She leaned in and looked up into his eyes. “Will you let Rita try?”
What no one understood was, he couldn’t allow himself to be reached. Couldn’t be pulled from the shadows because the darkness was where he belonged now. He felt his own helplessness rise as he watched his sister’s face.
Jack wished he could reassure his whole family. Wished that this marriage was changing something. But the truth was, nothing had changed for him. He was who he was now and everyone would eventually accept what he already had.
The old Jack Buchanan died on his last tour.
Cass must have read the resignation on his features because she sighed, went up on her toes to kiss his cheek. “I love you, Jack. Give yourself a chance to be happy.”
He nodded again, gave her a quick hug, and then sighed in relief when she walked off to join her family. Jack looked to his father and brother as they stood with Rita’s parents, laughing and talking. There was no respite for Jack today. He’d dropped himself into a crowd. Yet he was still a man on the sidelines, watching as life went on around him.
Both families were gathered and they seemed to be getting along fine. His sister’s family, husband and two kids and his brother Sam’s group, wife and three kids, actually looked small compared to Rita’s.
Her parents, her sister and two brothers with all of their kids and spouses made quite a crowd. Her sister’s four kids, each brother had five and one of the wives was as pregnant as Rita. The Marchettis were clearly devoted to family and Jack was glad to see it. When this marriage ended, when he was out of her life, Rita would have their support to help her through.
Another straw of guilt dropped onto his shoulders and he nearly winced at the added weight. Had he done the right thing here? Marrying her with the promise to divorce in three months? Setting her up to have to explain what went wrong to a loving family who were assuming she was marrying for love? Wouldn’t it have been better to just tell everyone the truth up front?
Easier for him, maybe, he acknowledged. But for Rita? His gaze went to her and locked on with a laser focus. Tension gripped him as every cell in his body tightened, buzzing with the kind of need only she had ever awakened in him. He wanted her with every breath and knew he couldn’t have her because he had nothing to offer her. Not now.
All he could give her was this marriage and a house and the promise to stay the hell out of her way once this was done and over. She deserved at least the pretense of a real marriage for her family’s sake, he told himself. Hell, she deserved so much more than he had.
Her curly brown hair was pulled up on top of her head to cascade down past her shoulders in a riot of wind-tossed curls. She wore a long dress of some filmy material that almost seemed otherworldly. The color was a soft lavender so pale it made him think of moonlit fog. Her eyes were bright, her mouth curved in a smile as she hugged her sister. Then those aged, whiskey eyes found his and his insides fisted. He was caught in a trap of his own making.
Married to a woman he wanted and couldn’t have. Living in a shadow world, yearning for light. Wanting to bury himself inside her warmth to ease the cold that was always crouched within him. He was outside a window staring in at what he most desired, but unable to reach out and touch it.
And maybe that was his penance, he thought. The price he had to pay for living.
“You look too solemn for a man on his wedding day.”
Somehow Jack’s father had sneaked up on him. Damn. He’d been hyperalert for months, but looking at Rita was enough to distract him from everything but her.
“Just thinking,” he said.
Thomas turned to follow Jack’s gaze to Rita. “Well, I don’t know how you can look at your bride and be thinking thoughts dark enough to put a scowl on your face.”
Chagrined, Jack realized he hadn’t been paying close enough attention. He’d let his mask slip and shown people what he was feeling and that wasn’t something he wanted to happen. No point in those he loved worrying even more than they already were.
He forced a smile and hoped it looked more real than it felt. “You like her?”
Thomas smiled and slapped his back. “What’s not to like? She’s beautiful, kind and she’s giving me another grandchild.” His voice trailed off. “I only wish your mother was still here to enjoy all of these kids running around.”
Jack smiled wistfully. His mother had died five years before and had only seen a few of the grandchildren she would have enjoyed so much. “She would have loved this.”
“Yes, she would,” his father said. “But I have a feeling she’s here, somehow. I can’t imagine your mother not being around when something big was happening to one of her kids.”
True, Jack thought. And his mother never would have worried about him from afar. She would have hammered at him relentlessly until she’d dragged him kicking and screaming out of the darkness and back to where she wanted him. Carla Buchanan had been a force of nature. And Jack honestly didn’t know if he was more sad or relieved that his mom wasn’t there to see what he’d come to.
“Come on now,” his father said. “We’re all going over to The Queen Mary for the wedding brunch.”
He had to smile. Once his father had heard about the wedding, he’d insisted on taking care of a celebratory brunch. And of course, he’d arranged for a private dining room on The Queen Mary. Nothing his father liked better than ships, and in his defense, Jack was sure their out-of-town guests would enjoy visiting the historical ship.
“You go ahead,” Jack said, “I’ll be there in a minute.”
“All right then.”
Thomas walked off to join the others and Jack took a breath, steeling himself to join in, to be a part of the festivities. The stretch of beach had never looked longer to him. A cold sea wind whipped past him and tugged at the edges of his jacket. He headed for their families, but with every step he took, he felt the sand shifting beneath his feet and the sensation reminded him of too much.
Awakened too many memories that were always too close to the surface. His insides tightened and a heightened sense of awareness took over. Sounds were more defined, until he could hear shrieks from down the beach and screams that had him whirling around and crouching as if he were under fire. Then his gaze locked on a screaming girl as her boyfriend carried her into the icy water.
Heartbeat racing, hands fisting at his sides, Jack took a breath to steady himself. The wind pushed at him, but instead of scenting sea spray on the air, he smelled the stale, flat air of a desert country that had claimed too much of him. His spine stiffened, but he turned back and kept walking, determined to keep what he was feeling to himself.
To stay half in the shadows even as he pretended to be in the light.
Rita walked up to meet him and he looked into her eyes, focusing on her, only her. Staring at her, the swamping sensations nearly drowning him faded, to be replaced by a different kind of tension. She was so beautiful she stole his breath. And now she was his wife.
God help her.
Five
“I didn’t let anything slip to Mom and Dad,” Gina was saying. “But, I know there’s more to this whole sudden wedding thing than you’re telling.”
Rita glanced past her sister to the people in the private dining room. Sure that no one could overhear, she said, “Okay, yes. There is more. Thanks for not saying anything, and I’ll tell you about it at some point, I promise. Just... I can’t right now and I don’t want Mom and Dad worrying.”
“I know how to keep a secret.” Gina’s eyes narrowed on her. “So I’ll stay quiet. But I’m warning you, Rita, if he’s a jerk, I expect you to tell me so I can kick him.”
Rita laughed a little as relief trickled through her.
She had enough on her mind and heart at the moment without worrying about her family worrying about her. Gina was always as good as her word. If she said she’d keep a secret, nothing and no one would be able to pry it out of her.
If her family knew she’d gotten married with the promise of a quickie divorce looming, there would no doubt be hell to pay. As it was, her brothers kept giving Jack a hard eye like they’d prefer to take him outside and deal with the man who’d left their sister pregnant and alone. But her parents at least were believing Rita’s story of finding Jack and the two of them reigniting the love between them.
If only, Rita thought with an internal sigh.
“I promise. But, I might kick him myself before you get the chance.”
“I can live with that,” Gina said, sipping on a mimosa in a crystal champagne flute.
While her sister was quiet, Rita had a minute to think about her wedding day. The ceremony had been small, just hers and Jack’s families on a roped-off area of the beach. The early June weather of dark skies and cool winds had kept the beach mostly deserted, so it had been intimate in spite of being so public.
When they exchanged vows, Rita remembered looking deeply into Jack’s eyes and for one brief moment, she’d seen that quick glimpse of her Jack hidden inside him again. And that gave her hope. Maybe there was a way to reach him. To actually reignite what they’d shared so briefly six months ago.
Their kiss at the end of the ceremony had started off perfunctory, but after a split second, it was as if Jack had forgotten that they were putting on a show. He’d pulled her in to him and cradled her against his body as his mouth took hers in a slow, seductive kiss that had nearly blown Rita’s short veil right off her head.
If there was that between them still, that heat, that magic, couldn’t there be more? Heat didn’t exist in a vacuum. Emotions, feelings, had to be there, too, right?
Was she being deliberately foolish? Probably. But if you didn’t try, you couldn’t win. If you didn’t ask, the answer was always no.
“You’re thinking.”
“That’s a bad thing?” she asked, a small smile curving her mouth.
“I haven’t decided yet,” Gina admitted. She half turned to look at Jack, across the room, standing somewhat apart from everyone else. “He’s gorgeous, I give you that. But he doesn’t seem the sociable type. Won’t that drive you nuts?”
Rita shook her head. “No, I talk enough for both of us.”
“True.” Gina laughed.
“You know, he wasn’t like this when we first met,” Rita said quietly. “Oh, he never talked as much as I do, but he was warmer. Less...closed down. I don’t know how to explain it.”
“You’re doing pretty well,” Gina said thoughtfully, studying the man they were talking about.
“Gina, the thing is, every once in a while,” Rita continued, “I see the real Jack hiding behind his eyes.”
Her sister gave her a cool look. “And you think you can bring him out of hiding?”
“If not me, who?” Rita asked. “If there’s a chance, I have to try.”
Gina dropped one arm around her shoulders. “Sweetie, sometimes people are hiding for a reason.”
She might be right, Rita acknowledged. But if she didn’t find out for sure, the what-if would haunt her forever. “But what if that reason can be dealt with? Fought?”
“Oh, God,” Gina murmured, shaking her head. “You’re trying to save him, aren’t you?”
Was she? Oh, Rita didn’t like the sound of that. How many times had she seen friends fall for a guy with “issues” and then try to fix him? Get him to change. Help him deal with his demons? Is that what she was doing?
No, she argued with herself silently. This was different. Jack was different. Something specific had happened to him and whatever it was had affected him deeply. Even if it was because of what they’d once had, or the fact that they’d created a child together... Didn’t Rita owe it to him to at least make the attempt to help him?
“Is that so wrong?” She looked at her sister, really curious to hear what she had to say.
“No, I guess not,” Gina said, resignation clear in her tone. “If it’s something you feel like you have to do, there’s no stopping you anyway. Just make sure you don’t lose yourself in the effort.”
“I won’t,” Rita said and knew that keeping her promise wasn’t going to be easy. Because in spite of everything that had happened between them, Jack was the one man in the world who could still cause her pain.
“Uh-oh,” Gina said suddenly, “I’ve gotta go save Jimmy. Mom’s just dropped Kira into his lap, so he’s got all four kids and is seriously outnumbered.”
Rita smiled on cue, but she wasn’t thinking about her brother-in-law. Her thoughts were with Jack, standing apart and alone at his own wedding. Backlit by the light flooding in through the wall of windows he stood in front of, he looked so solitary, it broke her heart.
He’d done all he could to make this faux marriage beautiful for her. From the ceremony itself to this family reception. The Queen Mary was a beautiful old ship and this private dining room in its five-star restaurant was old-world elegant. Windows lined both sides of the ship and she imagined that when the old ocean liner was still sailing, the views were incredible.
Where Jack stood, there was a sweeping vista of the sea and other boats bobbing on the surface. The sun had finally broken through the clouds and slanted off the water like gold dust. But Jack was silhouetted, defining his aloneness, and that tore at Rita.
“We’re staying in town for a few days,” Gina was saying. “As long as we’re here, figured we’d take the kids to Disneyland.”
Rita glanced at her. “They’ll love it.”
“Yep,” Gina mused. “Hope Jimmy and I survive it.” She grabbed Rita’s hand and squeezed. “If you need me for anything, call me. I’ll be there.”
“I know,” she said, returning that squeeze briefly. “Thanks, Gina. I’m gonna be fine.”
As Gina moved away, Rita heard her own words echo in her mind and she hoped she was right. Because at the moment, her heart was aching for the man who’d cut himself off. He’d gone to so much trouble for her, but he wasn’t being a part of this at all. Even in the heart of his family, he was determinedly alone. That didn’t equate with everything he’d told her about his family when they met. Back then, he’d laughed at the stories of fishing trips with his father and brother, of his sister being outwitted by her five-year-old daughter, of how devastated their family had been when they’d lost Jack’s mother.
Now, though, it was as if his family wasn’t even in the same room with him. She’d seen his father, brother and sister try to connect with him and eventually give up. She’d watched Jack keep to the sidelines as if punishing himself, somehow. Rita didn’t have the first clue how to go about reaching him, but she knew she had to try. Because if there was even a tiny chance she could find her Jack, it would be worth the effort.
Smiling and nodding to her family as she passed, Rita walked to Jack. He was staring out at the ocean and Rita came up right beside him.
He didn’t look at her, but he must have sensed her presence. “Everything all right?”
“It’s fine,” she said, staring up at his profile, waiting for some flicker of—she didn’t even know what. “Are you okay?” she asked.
He turned his head then and looked down at her. She felt that stare sizzle in her blood. One look from him and she burned.
“Yeah,” he said finally, quietly. “I’m just not good in a crowd of people.”
His words, so simply stated, tugged at her heart as she realized just how important this marriage must have been to him. He’d dropped himself into a situation that would make him uncomfortable because this meant something to him. He’d stood up against what plagued him to make sure she had what she
needed at the wedding. He’d brought her family in, and seen to it that everything was beautiful for her in spite of his own misgivings. Just another sign to Rita that her Jack was in there somewhere. That only strengthened her resolve to discover what had happened to change the man she’d once thought was her one and only.
But today, she only wanted to be here. With him. To let him know he wasn’t alone, even if that’s what he believed he wanted. Going on instinct, she slid her hand into his and was rewarded when his fingers curled around hers and held tight.
* * *
Jack lay wide awake in bed, alone on his wedding night.
Rita was down the hall in the penthouse guestroom and he couldn’t tear his mind away from the image of her. His whole body ached for her, just as it had from the first moment he’d met her.
No other woman had ever affected him as she had. While he was overseas, he’d worked on convincing himself that what he’d felt with her was nothing special. He’d had to, just to survive. Clinging to the real world and the memories of a woman with a warm heart, soft body and wild, raw laugh had only made his reality that much harder to endure.
Then, when everything went to hell one afternoon, Jack had sliced every emotion out of his life because it was imperative to survival. He hadn’t written to her because he couldn’t lie to her about what was going on and he couldn’t have told her the truth. He didn’t look for her when he came back because he was in no shape to be around anyone. And because by then, he knew he could never again be the man she had once known.
“But Fate’s a nasty bitch,” he muttered into the darkness. His own voice seemed to echo, low and harsh in the empty room.
The gods of irony had conspired against him. He’d put so much effort into avoiding her that the gods laughed and threw her in his path, making it impossible to ignore her. And now they were married.
Shaking his head, he draped one arm across his eyes to dim the moonlight spearing into his bedroom. He had the terrace doors open, because he couldn’t stand to be closed in. He needed that swirl of air, even when it was cold. Needed to smell the sea, remind himself that he was here. Home. And not in that hot, desperate situation that had nearly driven him over the edge.
Little Secrets--His Unexpected Heir Page 6
