“Thank you.”
“You're welcome. I need to go. I'll see you later.”
When I leave, I realize something. There's an odd feeling inside me, and I'm not sure about it. It feels good, but it doesn't at the same time. I feel...content. Happy. I hate that it almost feels wrong and foreign. My mind is lost in this for the rest of the evening. I should be happy, should be happy about being happy. All this talk about Candace is why it doesn't seem right, I believe. I'm waiting for something to go wrong, and I know I won't be able to handle it if it does.
Her death broke me. Bo wasn't kidding when he said I haven't been the same person since. How could I be? She was everything to me and then one day, she was gone. She didn't exist anymore. Our baby didn't exist anymore. It didn't seem real, much less possible. I struggled through the rest of hockey season, debating wanting to quit and never touch the ice again and trying to hold on to the only thing I had left.
And now Audra is here, carrying our baby, and being excited about it doesn't fit. It feels like it shouldn't. I don't know what to do. Maybe I should talk to Bo about it. Though, his advice always ends up pissing me off in the end, whether he's right or not. I try to push these thoughts away when I mess up a pass to Winston during our game, but I can't help it. Audra and her mom are here. How the hell am I supposed to focus on hockey when I'm wondering if she's still tired from our shopping trip? Wondering if baby girl is moving around in her belly right now?
“Neil,” Bo cuts through my thoughts. “Focus,” he grits.
“Fuck off.”
With a deep breath, I do focus. I can't be a reason we lose this game. Not with who is in the crowd. I push myself, push my teammates, and try not to worry about anything else. We come away with a 2-1 win. Back in the locker room, my phone beeps with a text. Like I promised, it's never on silent. There's a text from Audra.
Audra: Tired. We're going ahead home.
I text her back: okay.
At least I won't have to tell the guys yet. I ignore questions from the guys about my play tonight. It wasn't awesome, but it was enough. I go to the house, take a nap, and then go to work for a few hours. I can't shake this bad feeling. It's probably nerves about tomorrow. My phone beeps with another text as I'm leaving.
Audra: Will you come over?
Me: Need to run home first, then I'll be on my way.
Audra: Thanks.
I wonder why she wants me to come over. This is a key reason why we should live together. Then there wouldn't be any of this back and forth mess. I'm not sure how to bring it up to her or the guys, despite what Bo told me. When I get to the house, Winston is awake, sitting on the couch watching TV. I mutter a hello and go about my business. Once I have my things to spend the night, I head for the door.
“You're seeing someone, aren't you?”
I freeze, slowly turning to see Winston watching me carefully. “What?”
“You have a girlfriend, don't you?” There's a small smile on his lips.
“Something like that,” I answer before leaving him behind.
I'm grateful I don't feel too tired because I definitely need to pay attention while driving. It did snow this weekend, so it's cold as fuck and the roads are icy. I'm almost grateful she texted me because seeing Audra does relieve a bit of my uneasiness. She smiles when she opens the door, stepping aside so I can come in.
“What are you doing up?” I ask.
“I'm having trouble sleeping. Thanks for coming.” Audra closes the door and faces me. That's when I see it. The tired eyes, the slow blinks like she's trying to stay awake, and the overall need for sleep on her face.
“Come on,” I say, taking her hand to lead her to her bedroom. “Go ahead and lay down,” I tell her gently. She moves to her bed, not once objecting which really tells me how tired she is. I don't know why she's not sleeping though. I go to the bathroom, change, and get ready for bed. When I come out, she's sitting up in bed with the blanket up to her waist. I ignore the normal-ness of this, of us, as I slide in next to her. “What's wrong, Audra?”
“Nothing.” She goes to lay down on her side, facing away from me. After a moment, I turn off the lamp and lay on my back. Her arm reaches out behind her, and her hand hits my stomach. “Come over here,” she softly orders. I do, cuddling up behind her and slipping my hand between my stomach and her back to knead my thumb into the muscles there. “Is something wrong, Neil? I feel like something isn't right with you and it's making me worry.”
I rest my forehead on her shoulder blade, not liking how easily she can read me. “I thought I was the worrier between us.”
“Neil,” she starts, trying to turn around to face me, but I keep her in place.
“I'm fine. Let's get some sleep. We have a big day tomorrow.”
Audra's quiet for a few seconds before she gives in. “Okay.”
Thankful, I kiss her shoulder, close my eyes, and sleep comes soon enough.
“NEIL! YOU CAME!” Alice yells as she runs up to me.
I release Audra's hand to catch her in my arms. “Of course I did. I told you I would be here. I have someone for you to meet,” I tell her as she wraps her arms around my neck.
Alice finally looks over at Audra, her grin getting bigger. “Is that her?” Alice whispers loudly to me.
Laughing, I nod. “Alice, this is Audra. Audra, this is Alice, the birthday girl. She's six today.”
“Neil! I'm seven!” Alice pouts about my intentional mistake.
I kiss her cheek. “Oh, yeah. I remember now. Sorry I got it wrong.”
“It's okay. Are you going to come play with me and my friends?” She looks at me with big, hopeful eyes.
“Yeah, let me go find your parents first, okay?” I set her back down and she runs off, happy with my answer. With a glance at Audra, I take her hand and lead her through the house to the kitchen. Mrs. Lanier is the only one in there. Mr. Lanier must be in the other room with the kids. “Hey,” I say to announce our presence.
Mrs. Lanier turns from the counter to look at us with a wide smile. “Neil, I'm glad you're here. Alice was driving me crazy every five minutes, wanting to know where you were.” She walks over to give me a hug before turning to give Audra one as well. “You must be Audra. It's so nice to meet you. We're glad you came today.”
“Thank you for letting me come with Neil. It's nice to meet you too, Mrs. Lanier,” Audra replies.
“Of course. You're welcomed any time. And please call me Sandra. I don't know why Neil won't, but you certainly can.” She looks down at Audra's stomach. “How's the little one doing? Neil said you were having a girl.”
“She's fine. Moving around a bit.”
“Is she moving now?” We turn at the sound of Alice's voice.
“Aren't you supposed to be playing?” Mrs. Lanier asks.
“I was coming to get Neil. Is she?” She looks to Audra, who nods. “Can I feel? Please, please, please!”
Mrs. Lanier opens her mouth to chastise Alice, but Audra says, “Sure. Hurry before she stops.”
Alice doesn't need anymore convincing before she rushes over. Audra takes her hand and places it on her stomach. I can tell the moment Alice feels it because her face transforms into pure wonder.
“Woah. That was cool.” And just like that, her attention is back on me. “Are you coming to play with us?”
“Yeah, I'm coming. Can Audra play too?”
Alice nods, so we follow her into the other room where four other girls and Mr. Lanier are having a tea party. I hold back my laugh at seeing him sitting at the small table. After introducing him and Audra, Mr. Lanier excuses himself with my presence to go help Mrs. Lanier finish setting out the food. There's only one seat left. Mr. Lanier offers to get another, but I tell him it's no big deal as I pull Audra to sit on my lap.
This isn't my first tea party, so I know what Alice likes for me to do. One of which is to be really proper and speak in a terrible British accent. Audra and the girls can't stop giggling at me, which makes me wa
nt to be even more ridiculous. Whatever weird mood I was in yesterday dissipates with the laughter around me.
“Where's the bathroom?” Audra whispers in my ear.
“Down that hallway, second door on the right.” I lift her hips as she goes to stand to keep her steady. She disappears down the hallway behind me and I lean in, gathering all the girls attention. “What do you think? Is she a keeper?” I ask in my fake accent.
The girls glance at one another before Alice speaks. “She's really nice and plays with us, so yes.” The rest of the girls echo the answer and nod their heads. “Does she have a name yet?” Alice's eyes light up. “Oh! Can I name her?”
“I don't know. What names have you come up with?” I don't want to shoot her down outright, and she might actually have some good ideas.
Alice's shoulders sag. “I haven't thought of any yet. Do I get to play with the baby when she finally gets here?”
“Want to know a secret?” I ask instead. Alice nods her head vigorously. All the girls lean forward when I do. “You can be her aunt Alice if you want.”
“Really?”
I sit up in my seat again. “Yep. You could be her first friend. It's a serious job, though. Are you sure you can do it?”
“I can! Promise, Neil, I can do it.”
“Okay then. You're on the job.”
Alice grins, but her mom peeks from around the corner behind her. “Anyone ready for cake?”
The girls jump up and start running for the kitchen as Audra appears next to me. I stand at seeing an unfamiliar look on her face.
“What's wrong?”
She shakes her head. “Nothing.” That's when I notice a small smile. “You're kind of amazing, that's all. It's really sweet that she'll be aunt Alice to our daughter, Neil.”
“You heard?” She's smiling, so that must mean she isn't upset about it. Audra nods. “I told you she was excited.” I take her hand and start leading her to the kitchen. “C'mon. We're missing the cake.”
The rest of Alice's party goes really well. Audra seems to be enjoying herself and Candace's family seems to love her. On the ride back to Audra's, she looks over at me.
“Can we stay in tonight? Watch a movie and relax? Unless you really want to go somewhere? I figured you might be tired after the games and work and all.”
I glance at her. “You don't want to go out?”
“Not today. Plus, I have homework to do too.”
“Okay, that sounds fine. Maybe we can take a nap first?” I didn't really sleep well last night, and I think it's Audra's bed. That may be why she's not sleeping well now that she's pregnant. I had a hard time, and I'm not, so maybe her body needs something better. It's simply not comfortable.
Audra nods in agreement. We get to her place and go to the couch instead of the bed. She sits down first at one end of the couch while I go grab a pillow from her room. She props her feet onto the coffee table, but by the time I get back, Audra has her eyes closed. When she doesn't stir, I assume she's sleeping.
She's been quiet for a few minutes now. Perfect. I move to rest my head in her lap, facing her ever-growing belly. This has become my favorite part of my day. Gently, so I don't wake her up, I place my hand on her stomach, hoping to feel movement.
“Hey, baby girl,” I whisper to my daughter. “It's Daddy. I hope you haven't given your momma too much trouble today.” There's no way to suppress my grin when I feel a kick near my hand. I move it, hoping she'll do it again and that I'm in the right spot. “Looks like you're going to have an aunt Alice. She's pretty cool and I think you'll like her.” My mind turns to hockey and I know I would want her to be on the ice one day too. “It's been a long week with hockey. I can't wait to take you skating to see what you can do on the ice. Think you'd want to do that, baby girl? Maybe you could play like me.” This time, my hand is in the right place and I feel her move. I chuckle softly.
“She is not going to be a hockey player.” Audra looks down at me. “You're already trying to get her hurt, Neil?” She's trying to hide a teasing smile.
“She would be tough. Have you been listening to me?” I almost want to frown, but I don't.
Audra runs her fingers through my hair. “I've been listening since the first time I woke up and heard you talking to her a while ago. Now, I pretend to fall asleep, but you're crazy if you think I'm going to let her play.”
I smile. “You're crazy if you think I wouldn't make her a good player and tough enough to handle it. She wants to play. You felt her.”
“No promises, Neil. Keep talking to her if you want.” She plays with my hair, watching me. “I love listening to you.”
“Sorry, I don't know if I can now that you're awake.” It's the truth. Part of the reason I love this is because it's only my baby girl and me.
Audra frowns. “Really?”
“Yeah.”
“I'm sorry.” Her eyes start to shine, and I sit up in confusion. “I didn't mean to take that away from you, Neil.” A tear falls and she quickly wipes it away.
“Hey, don't be sorry. I haven't even tried. I'm sure it'll be no big deal. Don't cry, Audra.”
“But you were talking to our daughter and now you're always going to be wondering if I'm listening,” she mumbles, trying to hold in her tears. “She loves when you talk to her, Neil. She moves every time you do and I've ruined it.”
I wrap her in my arms. “You haven't ruined anything, Audra. See?” I lean away so I can bend towards her stomach, letting my lips move across the fabric of her shirt. “Hey, baby girl. Show your momma that it's okay. We can still talk, can't we?” I glance at Audra. “She move?” She smiles and nods. “See, everything is okay.”
Laying back with my head in her lap, she runs her fingers through my hair again. “She doesn't move that much when I talk to her. I can already tell that she's going to be a daddy's girl.”
Unexpected pride rises in me at her words. “You think so?”
“Don't look so smug, Neil,” Audra laughs.
My smile falls away. “I hope I can be worthy enough for her,” I murmur, closing my eyes, so I don't have to see her reaction.
Audra's reply is just as quiet, “You already are.”
I let her words sink in and hope like hell she's right. After a few minutes, I speak again, remembering Alice's question. “She needs a name. Don't you, baby girl? You need something besides baby girl, I think.” I look up at Audra. “What are you thinking? Maybe I can test a few names out and if she kicks after one, then we know that's what she wants.”
She laughs. “She kicks almost every time you open your mouth. We aren't letting her choose her own name, Neil. Who knows what we'll end up with.”
I press my lips to her stomach. “Fine. Have it your way, but you let me know if she starts to go crazy in there.” Audra chuckles. “What names do you like?”
She shrugs, the corners of her mouth dipping slightly. “I haven't really thought about it. I'm going to be terrible, aren't I? I haven't even thought of names for our baby yet.”
“You are not going to be terrible, Audra. If either of us is going to fail, then it'll be me.” That doesn't really make her happy, so I keep going. “Do you want us to pick a name all on our own or do you want to name her after someone?”
Audra thinks about it. “I don't want to name her after anyone. Do you? Like Candace?”
For a moment, I stop breathing. She's asking if I want to name our baby after Candace? I glance between her and her stomach before shaking my head. “No,” I answer softly. “I can't do that. I don't want to.” My eyes squeeze close, easily overwhelmed from her name.
“I didn't know and thought I should ask. I'm sorry for upsetting you.”
“It's okay,” I say without opening my eyes. “I loved her and still miss her like crazy sometimes, and I...I don't want to link that to our baby girl. That sounds terrible, doesn't it? It's like I think it would be a disgrace or something, but that's not it, I swear.”
Audra's hand moves in my hair. “
You don't have to explain it to me, Neil. I think I get it. Tell me what names you like.”
“Hmm,” I hum. “What name do you want, baby girl? Victoria? Bailey? Olivia?” I put my hand over her stomach. “No? I don't think those fit either. Pearl? Mabel? Grace? Eva? Cora? Nellie? Ethel?”
Audra starts giggling. “Are we choosing names from another century now?”
“Does that mean you don't like any of them?” I pout my lips, making her laugh some more.
“Grace maybe,” she yawns.
“Let's lay down for that nap.”
THANKSGIVING CAME AND went with everyone but Neil going home for the holidays. He's been more absent than he was before. I don't know where he is, but he doesn't stay here often. As far as Lucy, things have been pretty normal between us since she told me. I've been running with her for the upcoming 5K. December has brought even colder weather, too much snow, but plenty of opportunities for Lucy to press herself into me, so she can warm up. I'm pretty sure I love winter even more now.
Her brothers have still been touch and go, but I don't expect that to ever change much. Today, we're meeting them for lunch. All three. Yay, right?
“Don't look so enthused, Grant,” Lucy laughs from the passenger seat.
I reach over to take her hand, resting our interlocked fingers on the console in between our seats. “I don't look excited?”
“Not really.”
With a smile, I glance at her. “Don't worry. I'm perfectly okay being around the crazy Kennedy brothers for a meal.”
“They're only a little crazy,” she laughs. “Oh, we're going to be late. Corey hates when people are late.”
“I know,” I grin.
“Grant! You're terrible,” she chuckles as I pull into the parking lot. “At least we aren't too late.”
I park, get out, and open the door for her, reclaiming her hand once again. We cross the lot carefully, Lucy is already leaning into me because of the bitter cold. Once we step onto the sidewalk, we see all three brothers standing near the entrance, waiting for us.
“And you thought I didn't look excited,” I whisper to her upon seeing the varying degrees of frowns.
Bracing the Blue Line Page 20
