“So. Tell me I’m crazy. Tell me that I’m absolutely insane.”
Steve didn’t miss a beat. “You’re totally nuts.”
Alan’s shoulders sagged a little, and he stared into his empty glass. Before he could decide if he was happy about Steve agreeing with him or not, Steve laughed.
“Alan, it’s obvious that you’re totally taken with the kid, so what’s holding you back? I’ve never known you to hesitate like this. Once you decide you want something you lock onto it like a goddamned heat-seeking-missile. What’s the deal?”
“All I can think about is how great I feel when I’m with him and how shitty I feel when I’m not. I dropped him off an hour ago, Steve, and it’s all I can do not to drive back over there and beg him to come home with me again.”
“So?”
“So?” Alan repeated, incredulously.
“It’s obvious that you like the guy. A bit of obsession to begin with is natural. It’s like when you get a shiny new toy for Christmas and you want to play with it all day every day. That’s the first flush of lust, my friend.”
“How can I tell if it’s more than that?” Alan’s heart raced. He desperately wanted it to be more than lust. There was something about Craig that was addictive.
Steve grabbed the bottle of wine and topped up his glass. “When the novelty wears off and you still want your toy with you all the time, even if you don’t play quite as often, and you can’t bear to think what would happen if you were to suddenly lose your toy, then you’re probably in love.” Steve swirled his wine, then looked at Alan with a raised eyebrow. “But you should know all this. You and Mike were together for a long time.”
“That was different.” Alan snatched the napkin off the table so he’d have something to fidget with.
“How?”
“Because when I met Mike we were both young and stupid. We played hard and fell harder and by the time I realized that Mike was probably never really right for me to begin with, he’d already been gone for two years.”
Steve’s face fell. “He really did a number on you, huh?”
Alan could only nod. The pain wasn’t fresh anymore, but he could still feel the wound. On nights like tonight, when he felt completely unsure of everything, including himself, it made him aware of how much Mike had hurt him. Needy, Mike had called him. Needy and clingy. According to Mike, Alan possessed ample amounts of both of those traits. He’d hoped Alan would grow into his big-bad Dom over the years, and felt bitter disappointment when it didn’t happen. Truth be told, Alan was never a badass, not the way Mike wanted, but he’d done his best to be what Mike needed. It wasn’t enough. But Craig seemed to relish the things that Mike hated. Craig responded to Alan’s tactile nature.
“Alan?” Steve said after a long silence. The gentle tone caused Alan to tense. Steve was only gentle if he knew he was about to be a complete bastard. He thought it softened the blow, but it really made it worse. If he was a cocky bastard, Alan might feel justified in punching him in the mouth, but when he was nice, it meant that he was looking out for Alan and if he punched Steve in the mouth it would make Alan the asshole. “Is it possible that you see this kid and think, gee, I went through the same damned thing, and you want to make it better for him because you still haven’t found a way to make it better for yourself?”
Alan’s hand tightened on the napkin and his teeth ground together. He hadn’t considered that possibility. The room spun, and Alan’s stomach lurched. No. His feelings for Craig were real. They were new and scared the life out of Alan. Maybe that’s how he knew they were real. Because if they weren’t he wouldn’t feel half as terrified as he did.
He forced his hand to relax and dropped the napkin on the table. “No.” He said with a confidence that shocked him. “That’s not it at all. This isn’t some broken sub that the big all-knowing Dom is riding to the rescue of…except for last night. Craig doesn’t need to be rescued and he’s not broken. He went to my club last night because he was ready to move on and I noticed him because so am I.”
Steve grinned and plucked his wine glass off the table. “I have to get back to running this place or it’s all going to fall down around me, but I’m glad you came, Alan.” He raised his glass. “To you and the kid, may Cupid shoot your asses with a matching set of arrows. You deserve all the happiness you can get.”
Alan shook his head and stifled a smile. “Get back to work, slacker.”
The pair stood and Steve tugged Alan into a bone crushing hug. “Seriously, Alan. If you want the kid, go for it.”
Alan clapped him on the back and pulled away. “Only if you stop calling him the kid. His name is Craig.”
Steve winked. “No promises.”
Instead of going home, Alan went to the club and slipped into his office. He locked the door behind him to avoid being disturbed. He poured himself a glass of water and drank it, all the while he stared at the filing cabinet in the corner. When his water was gone, he went to the cabinet, opened the top drawer and pulled out a blank contract. He rolled it up, slipped out of the club and went home. Waiting until eight o’clock the next night would be murder.
Chapter Seven
Craig
Craig brought his hand to his lips and touched them. He hadn’t stopped smiling since Alan left a few minutes ago. He doubted that he’d stop any time soon. Craig just entered the living room, still daydreaming about Alan when he heard a knock at his door.
His heart fluttered in his chest. Maybe it was Alan. Maybe two kisses weren’t enough. Craig certainly felt that way. He could’ve spent hours doing nothing but laying in Alan’s arms, kissing him until they were both senseless.
Craig hurried to his door and flung it open, his bright smile dimmed when he saw it was his neighbor. Craig’s shoulders drooped, and he ran a hand through his hair. “Oh, hey Everett. What can I do for you?” Hands stuffed in his pockets, Everett rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet. When not filming, Everett was a quiet, laid back guy. Craig met him in the hallway a few times and they struck up a friendship. They often sought the other out and somehow, they started sharing a bottle of wine every so often and would talk about everything. Everett’s friendship had come to mean a lot to Craig.
“There was a guy here looking for you today.” Craig stepped aside and motioned for Everett to come in.
“A guy?”
“Yeah, some moron let him past the security doors. He was in the hallway, banging on your door and yelling at you to open up.”
Craig leaned against the wall for support. “Did you see him? What did he look like?”
“Um…a little taller than you, short black hair.”
Craig’s stomach lurched, and he swallowed a rush of bile. “That sounds like Tim.”
Everett’s eyes widened. “The guy who dumped you? What was he doing here?”
Craig laughed, and it came out strained and uneasy. He suddenly felt off kilter. “That’s a good question. I moved here after we broke up, he shouldn’t know where I am.” Craig wrapped his arms around himself and felt his chest tighten. “Did he say what he wanted?”
“No. I told him you weren’t home.” Everett narrowed his eyes and gave Craig a curious look. “You stayed out all night, didn’t you?”
Craig’s cheeks heated, and he managed a nod. Alan. God, what he wouldn’t give to be able to crawl onto his lap and melt into his arms at that very moment. “I wonder how Tim knew where I lived? That’s creepy.” Craig’s skin crawled. There was a time when he would’ve welcomed the thought of Tim showing up at his door. He used to imagine the euphoria he’d feel if Tim showed up, knocked and threw himself on his knees, begging for forgiveness. But Craig grew out of that daydream fast. Then the idea of seeing Tim only enraged and sickened him, so he moved.
“I have to get home, I have a ton of footage to edit, but if you need anything I’m here, okay.”
Craig nodded and cracked a weak smile. “Thanks for letting me know, Everett. We’ll catch up soon, okay?”
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Everett nodded and let himself out. Craig’s knees refused to hold his weight any longer and he sank to the floor. He didn’t like the creepy-crawly feeling that made his skin itch. There were too many questions and Craig didn’t like not having the answers. Why after all this time did Tim choose today to seek him out? How did Tim know where he lived? What would Alan think of Tim showing up at his house?
Craig dropped his head to his knees and forced himself to take a few deep breaths. There was no sense in dwelling on any of it. Stewing and worrying weren’t going to give him any of the answers he was looking for.
A shower didn’t wash off the creeped-out feeling and watching TV didn’t distract him from trying to find answers for the questions that plagued him and none of it helped him get any sleep. By the time morning rolled around Craig felt wrecked. He’d barely slept, but other than the night with Alan, sleepless nights were the norm.
He arrived at work on time with his second extra large coffee half gone. He ditched it in the staff room, took a perfunctory glance in the mirror and decided that he looked no worse than he did most days.
Work provided a welcome distraction. There was always a problem to solve and a customer to please and the pettiness of some of their problems was welcome. At least insignificant problems like a room that faces the wrong direction, or a pillow that’s not fluffy enough had easy solutions.
It was almost two in the afternoon and Craig was about to slip into the back for a break. He’d taken a bottle of champagne to a frequent flyer in one of the suites to apologize for some sort of tragic linen mix-up that shorted them a few towels or something, Craig couldn’t quite remember. His mind was a puddle of goo and all he could think about was the fact that he had six more hours to wait until he got to see Alan again.
Craig got halfway through the lobby when he heard his name. He turned and wasn’t at all shocked to see Tim there. Craig stormed over to Tim, righteous indignation fuelled the volcanic anger that stewed in him. “What are you doing here? And were you at my apartment yesterday? How do you even know where I live? Do you know how creepy that is?”
Tim raised his hands. “Woah, there, buddy, calm down.”
Craig’s cheeks flamed, and he crossed his arms in front of himself. “I will not calm down. You have ten seconds to tell me what the hell you’re doing here.”
“I wanted to see you. I need to talk to you, to explain some things.”
Craig shook his head. “I don’t give a shit, Tim. Do you know why I went to the club the other night?” He didn’t give Tim a chance to answer. “Because I’m over you. I moved on. You left me. You walked away. You don’t get to come here a year and a half later to explain anything to me. Whatever forgiveness you’re looking for, you’ll have to live without it because I don’t forgive you and I won’t. Now leave.”
“Craig, please. Five minutes, that’s all I want.”
Craig shook his head. Tim seemed perfect on paper. College grad, good job, nice parents who didn’t care that he was gay. He excelled at talking with people and getting his own way. Tim was charming, but Craig wasn’t going to fall for any of it and didn’t want to hear anything he had to say.
“Leave.”
Tim furrowed his brow and had the decency to look annoyed instead of hard done by. “Come on, Craig, please.”
Craig pulled his phone from his pocket and sent a text. God how he loved technology at times like this. “You have ten seconds.”
“Five minutes, please. Okay, two, two minutes.”
“There a problem here?” One of two very large men in hotel uniforms appeared seemingly out of nowhere and Craig tucked his phone back in his pocket. He watched Tim turn his head and realize he was eye-to-chest with a hotel security guard.
“No. Please, Craig. You don’t understand, I made a mistake.” Tim reached for Craig, but Craig stepped back.
“This man is causing a scene. He’s not a guest and should be escorted off the premises. If he gives you any trouble, call the police.” With a final thought, Craig pulled his phone out of his pocket and took a picture of Tim. “I’ll send you this picture, I want him banned for life. If he comes back here, have him arrested.”
Craig turned on his heel and left. He ignored Tim’s angry shouts and disappeared into the back. He sank down onto a couch in the staff room and buried his face into his shaking hands. He wanted to yell, scream and throw things. None of this felt fair. It had to be some sort of cosmic joke, the minute he was ready to move on, Tim was suddenly everywhere and demanding attention.
His phone pinged in his pocket and he almost ignored it, but he reluctantly pulled it out and looked at the screen. Not Tim, or work or anyone else, it was Alan. Can’t wait to see you. Craig shot a text back to him. He wasn’t going to wait and pretend he didn’t want to reply right away or play some sort of other head game. Truthfully, he couldn’t make himself wait if he tried, he liked Alan too much. I can’t wait to see you, either.
With a renewed vigour, Craig pried himself off the couch and threw himself into his job. The guys from security came to check on him. Craig had been at the hotel so long everyone knew him, and they all looked out for him. He sometimes felt like the hotel pet. His assurances that he was fine got accepted, if not believed and he was ecstatic when his shift ended so he could escape the ever repeated question, are you okay? If he’d known the answer he might not have been so annoyed by the question.
Alan picked him up at his door at five minutes to eight. He dressed down in pair of dark blue jeans and a dark grey polo shirt. He greeted Craig by stepping in close to him. Alan put a hand on his waist and another on the side of Craig's face and pulled him into an agonizingly gentle kiss.
It was just what Craig needed. He let himself melt into Alan’s arms. He wound his arms around Alan’s waist and let his hands roam up Alan’s back. Alan’s soft kiss was hot and Craig let out a sigh when it ended.
“Hi,” Alan said. “Ready to go?”
“Or we could stay here and do that all night.” Craig gave into the urge to bury himself against Alan’s chest. After the hellish night and then the scene with Tim at work earlier, Alan was exactly what he needed.
“Come on. We’ll grab some dinner and you can tell me all about your day.”
Halfway to the car Alan glanced at Craig.
“Everything okay? You look stressed.”
“That obvious?”
Alan nodded. “You’re completely tense. Which means either you’re not as excited about tonight as I thought you were, or there’s something else on your mind.”
“Definitely the second one.”
When they stopped beside the car, Alan opened the passenger door for Craig. “If you’d like, we could get something to go and take it back to my place. We can relax and maybe you can tell me what’s troubling you.”
Craig’s dismal mood lifted a little. “That sounds fantastic.” On impulse he rose up on his tiptoes and kissed Alan on the cheek. Going back to Alan’s place had been on Craig’s mind all day long, when he wasn’t thinking about Tim. He also knew that Alan would want him to talk about what was bothering him and he had little desire to sit in a restaurant and gossip about his life.
Craig was back in Alan’s home before some of his tension started to ease. They’d stopped at a little Chinese place on the way and grabbed enough food to feed an army. He discovered that Alan hadn’t tried many of Craig’s favorite dishes.
“I still can’t believe you’ve only ever eaten Chow Mein and Chop Suey.” Craig said as he helped Alan unpack the food and arrange it on the coffee table. Craig had jumped at the offer to eat in the living room. As far as first dates went, it really didn’t get better than Alan, a table full of food and the prospect of curling up in his arms afterward.
“What can I say?” Alan shrugged as he took a seat on the sofa. “I guess I’m not that adventurous.”
“Said the dommy owner of a kink club to the sub holding a container of Kung Pow Chicken.”
Alan’
s musical laughter lifted his spirit and even better was the ruffle of his fingers through Craig’s hair. “How about you sit here?” Alan’s eyes flashed down to the empty space at his feet.
Craig didn’t hesitate. He knelt by Alan’s feet. He didn’t realize how much he needed it until Alan’s fingers carded through his hair again. More of the tension that had built up over the course of the day left. His shoulders loosened, and he took a deep breath. Craig leaned into Alan’s touch. He could get used to this. Quiet dinners with Alan, kneeling at his feet, being taken care of. It was perfect.
Alan grabbed a container and showed it to Craig. “What are these?”
“Deep fried prawns.” He laughed when Alan wrinkled his nose. “Don’t knock it until you try it.”
Alan rolled his eyes but plucked a prawn out of the box. “You sound like Steve.” He bit the prawn in half. “Hmmm. Not bad. Here, you try.”
Alan held the prawn out and Craig’s dick did a happy dance with his heart. Oh, fuck yes. He leaned in and carefully took the rest of the prawn from Alan’s fingers. His lips didn’t touch Alan’s fingers, but it didn’t matter, the jolt of electricity zapped them both. Craig looked up at Alan. Alan smiled and stroked a finger down Craig’s cheek.
“Tell me what happened today.”
Craig did his best to curb his imagination, but everything Alan did convinced him that he’d be the perfect Daddy. Tell me what happened today, Baby, Alan would command. Craig would kiss him on the cheek, or snuggle in close, and he’d tell his Daddy all about it.
Craig took a deep breath, and reached for a container and a set of chopsticks. He would’ve liked it if Alan fed him all night long, but he needed something to occupy his hands. “After you dropped me off last night, my friend Everett came to see me. He lives in the apartment across the hall from mine and works from home. He wanted me to know that there was a guy pounding on my door yesterday. Based on Everett’s description and what happened at work today, I think it was Tim.”
What He Needs Page 5
