Heading into the bedroom, I go back to thinking more about this weekend.
It wasn’t just hearing stories about Max, him as a teenager, as a young man. It was being around all of them that made me feel better. I love my own family, but Max’s family became such a big part of my life so quickly, that I didn’t even realize how much I’d missed seeing them until this weekend.
Ron is so much like Max. Or well, Max was so much like him. Strong, silent type. He didn’t say much to me all weekend, but he smiled a lot. And what he did say was sweet. Stern. But sweet. He acted like I would’ve expected Max to act. Silently making sure that I had everything I need, while admonishing me if he thought I wasn’t doing something to take care of myself.
Alex though was a little different this visit. She was softer somehow. She kept her arms around me a lot more. We cried a lot together. And laughed. I felt closer to her than I ever have before. Like we understood each other more.
I know she had a hard life before Ron. I asked her about my baby’s great-grandparents. She looked sad, but said she’s never spoken to them, not since they kicked her out when they found out she was pregnant with Max as a teenager. It made me feel protective of her, like Max always said he felt.
Last night, though, that was a conversation I wasn’t prepared for with her. She took me for a walk along the retaining wall, just us. And when she talked then, I could see a lot of Max in her. Glimpses of a strength I hadn’t really seen before.
She told me about a conversation she had with Max that I didn’t know about. It was about a month before he passed. He said he knew I was struggling with him. That he wanted her advice on what he could do to help me. She said, “To help you be your best, your strongest. For him and for yourself and for any child he hoped you’d give him.” Her eyes were shining with tears in the sunset, but her voice didn’t shake, she didn’t pause.
She went on to tell me that the advice she gave him was simple and even silly probably. Nothing concrete. But she did tell him one thing. And she wanted to tell me the same thing. She stopped our walk and faced me then. I was actually a little scared of what she was going to say. I don’t know why, but I felt like the whole weekend had led up to that conversation.
She put her hands on my shoulders gently and said, “I told Max that when love comes into our lives, it’s a gift. What we do with that gift is up to us. That for a woman, at least for a certain kind of woman, it takes a strong man to bring out the best in us. To help us to realize our potential for loving, for giving all of our unique gift of love in return.”
I remember nodding at this point. It’s how I felt with Max. That he was special. That I’d never know another man who was able to balance me, to be the dominant force I crave still. So I could give my greatest gift, my submission and heart.
I told her that I understood what she meant. That Max did take her advice. I remember a special night of love and tenderness with him. I pat my stomach and said it may have even been the night we conceived. She liked that thought.
I don’t remember the rest of what she said, except at the end. She stopped us again before heading up the path to the house. She didn’t look at me though this time. She looked at the porch, with Jake and Ron, waiting for us.
I remember this part word for word. “You have a lot of life ahead of you. Our family is strong. You can lean on our strength as much as you need. Or want. Just always keep your heart open, to accept the gifts that are given to you. Always.”
I went to bed last night with her words in my head. They mirrored my own thoughts. That my heart will never heal from losing Max, but I’ve come to terms with reality.
Ya know what they say about reality and I can tell ya, that bitch bites hard! I laugh, patting my belly. Sorry, Max, I’ll try to keep from cursing around our child.
But my reality is a hard one to face. I’m alone. Large with child. I giggle thinking about Laura’s voice when she says this. I don’t want to be alone forever. But I don’t know that I can open myself up to anyone. Ever again.
It felt good to know though, that if I ever did, I would still have Max’s family too. That’s what she was trying to tell me. That no matter what my future holds, they’ll all love me and be there for me and our child. I’ll always have Max and his family. Always.
Chapter 36 HIM
Today. I’m going to say something to her today. I’ve waited long enough.
Well, not really. Max has only been gone for a little over three short months. But I’ve watched Lucy go through the full gamut of emotions. I’ve watched her pull herself together again. I’ve watched and waited.
I debated about talking to her on the drive home from the lake house. But she was so happy, relaxed. And I didn’t want to be distracted with traffic. I want to sit down with her, over dinner. To tell her the feelings I shared before…that they haven’t gone away. That I want her. God, how I want her.
I’ve been thinking all week about what I want to say to her. How I want to take this slow. To not pressure her. I know it’s going to be hard though…to not rush into this. I want to rush her right into my bed!
Ok. Not helping. I have a long day ahead of me, running around to different project sites with project managers. I do not need to have painful balls again.
“Hey.” She lifts her head up from a report and smiles at me. She looks pretty today, soft. Thankfully, she’s not wearing anything that shows her growing tits too much. “Let’s get dinner tonight.”
She smiles, “Can’t. I have plans with Laura tonight.”
I frown. I think about pushing her. I know I could. I smile again, “Ok. Tomorrow night then.” She nods and goes back to her report as I turn away.
Probably best to give myself a little more time to think about what all I want to say anyway. I want to be clear with her. I’m offering her my love, and definitely not the brotherly kind. I smile on the way down to my car.
I smile for the rest of the day, even while yelling at a project manager for messing up later.
Chapter 36 HER
“Ya know, you could get into trouble for that?”
I turn in the checkout line and see a tall man in a light brown suit standing very close to me. His blue eyes are crinkled with a small laugh and big smile. I laugh, with another carrot in my hand, halfway to my mouth already, “Oops. Busted.”
“There’s penalties for stealing you know…hardened criminals like you should be dealt with harshly.” Something in the way he says this makes me shiver. He’s leaning a little too close, almost whispering into my ear. His deep voice is like a drum against the beat of my heart.
I hear myself saying, “A good spanking perhaps…” and have to hide my shocked look by turning around. I can’t believe I just said that out loud! To a total stranger! I move a little away from him, but I can feel that he moves even closer, chuckling behind me. Good, he took it as a joke anyway.
Before I can stop him, he tells the cashier that he’s paying for both our lunches. “Oh…thanks…but I got it.” I pull the money out of my pocket I had ready.
He pushes my hand down and hands his money to the woman instead. She just shrugs and gives him his change.
I walk a little away and turn around to put my tray in between us. He’s standing close still. “Thank you.”
“I only did it so you’d have to sit with me.” He smiles more. He has nice eyes when he smiles. “You can confess how you got started on your life of crime. And we can discuss an appropriate punishment for salad bar infringement.”
I only smile and sit down at the first table I see. He sits across from me and keeps smiling. “You’re names Lucy, right?” I’m startled and stop smiling. “Sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m not some stalker or anything…I come here almost every day. I’ve seen you here a lot too. And I’ve heard your co-workers call you by name.”
“Oh. Yeah…this is close to my office. You work around here too?”
“Yeah, around the block. Sad to say, there are days when t
his is breakfast, lunch and dinner for me.” He puts out his hand, “I’m Jason. I’m glad to finally officially meet you, Lucy.”
I shake his hand. I feel a little tingle in my stomach. This is the first man I’ve touched in a long time. A stranger anyway. The tingle is a mix of excitement and guilt. But I ignore the guilt for now.
We spend the lunch hour laughing and comparing places to eat in the neighborhood. He’s an account manager for a large real estate investment firm. For some reason, when I talk about my job, I don’t mention that I’m just helping out my brother-in-law. For some reason?
Be honest in your own head, girl. You’re flirting with this hottie. And somehow mentioning that you’re not really working, you’re just filling in until you pop out your baby might put a damper on the obvious flirting he’s doing too.
I look at my watch. A constant reminder of Max. I feel the twinge of guilt again. But I push it back once more. “I better get going. My boss is strict about being on time.” An understatement. Traeger men cannot stand any breach of punctuality. And there’s an office meeting this afternoon.
“Oh. Well…” Jason smiles and stands. “I’d like to see you…how bout dinner this weekend?”
And for some reason I say yes. I even give him my phone number. I walk away a little dazed. I knew he was flirting, but I didn’t think he’d ask me out.
I am so out of practice in this whole dating thing.
Not that it matters. I might go to dinner with him. Once. But it’s not going to go anywhere. It can’t, right? I mean. Gee, Jason, I’d really like to hang out more with you, but you see, my water just broke and I have to get to the hospital. Sexy.
I’m laughing at myself when I get to the office.
No harm in practicing a little flirting though, right? I don’t have to tell this guy anything. I can just go out once, split the check, have some fun and be done with it.
But I keep thinking about Jason’s hands and smile during the office meeting. I keep thinking about how he had just a little bit of a dominant attitude…maybe…or maybe it’s just wishful thinking, girl.
I’m so completely distracted, I don’t notice when Jake asks me something about an order for a client. I answer him quickly, but shrink when he gives me a narrow look a little later. I know that look. The Look.
I hurry out of the conference room when the meeting ends to avoid having to talk to him.
Chapter 37 HIM
I say goodbye to staff walking by my office on their way out. I glance at my computer screen. Lucy’ll be leaving for the day soon. Most everyone’s gone already. I like to offer summer hours to anyone who wants them. Come in early, leave early, as long as it doesn’t interfere with production or project progress. It’s worked out so far.
I pick up my phone and dial her extension. “Come to my office.” I don’t wait for her reply; I hang up. I don’t have to wait long for her to arrive. She must’ve already been ready to leave, because she has her bag with her.
“Shut the door, girl.” I like how her face flushes at my angry tone. She had this same flush in the meeting a few hours ago. She quietly closes the door and sits down in the chair opposite my desk. I get up and move around to sit on the edge of the desk, my arms crossed in front of me. She tries to avoid looking up. “Wanna tell me why I had to ask you a question twice this afternoon?”
She only shakes her head. “No, you don’t want to tell me?” I can see I’m making her uncomfortable. Her fingers keep moving against each other on her lap. “Look at me when I’m talking to you, girl.” She lifts her bright blue eyes to meet mine.
“I’m sorry. I…I wasn’t listening in the meeting.” She swallows.
And suddenly her look of nervousness makes me nervous. I drop my arms and anger, standing up straight, “Are you ok? Feeling ok?” She looks a little paler.
She laughs even more nervously, “Yes. I’m fine. Really…just wasn’t paying attention is all. I won’t let it happen again, boss.” She sits up and tries for a light smile.
“So what had you so distracted then?” I’m heading back to anger pretty quickly. To hide how scared I felt at the thought of anything being wrong.
Her look is strange. Nervous and shy? Like she wants to bolt from here. “I…I’d rather not say.” She crinkles her nose. This is a look I’ve seen on her before. Her “tell” that she’s withholding something. She’s only done this a few times with me. Usually teasing whatever it is out of her is pretty easy though.
I’m not in the mood to tease now. “You better start talking, girl.”
“Fine. If you must know. I have a date.”
I blink and sit back on the edge of the desk. I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut.
Chapter 37 HER
“You have a date? Tonight?”
“No. This weekend. Maybe. I don’t know. This guy I met at lunch asked me out on a date.” I laugh. It feels strange saying this to Jake. He certainly looks strange hearing it, all frown and disbelief. I’m nervously babbling. “It was so out of the blue and completely ridiculous, that I said yes. I was laughing at myself and distracted, so I’m…”
“You’re not going.” His face is stone, voice flat and deep.
“What?”
“You heard me. You’re not going.” He hasn’t moved, his face hardly even moved in speaking, his jaw set so strong.
Now it’s my turn to frown in disbelief and a little anger. “That’s not up to you, Jake.”
He laughs, still not changing his stony glare though. “Yeah. It is. And you’re not going out with some guy you just met. You’re not going out with anyone, Lucy.”
I laugh. “It’s really not your call, Jake. I’m a big girl. I can decide for myself. And he’s nice. I don’t think you have to worry so much about me.”
“Worry about you? You are a stupid girl sometimes, Lucy.” He shakes his head and grins at me.
“You’re stupid if you think I’m going to sit here and take being insulted by you, Jake!” I stand and am immediately shoved straight back down, hard, into the seat by his right hand. But he hardly moved. His hand is already back crossed over his chest. He looks almost relaxed, leaning against his desk.
“I meant to have this talk with you over a nice dinner tomorrow. But I don’t see any reason to wait now.” He rubs his chin a little. I frown, waiting for his explanation of why he’s acting so strange. His glare pierces me again and I sit back more, crossing my legs.
Chapter 38 HIM
Everything I had prepared to say is out of my head now. Replaced by this rage. That another man asked Lucy out. And she accepted.
I had intended to be gentle, to ease her into a discussion of the night she came to my building. To remind her of our deep friendship and how much I care about her. There’s no chance at gentleness now.
“You remember when I told you how much you mean to me?” She only blinks. Thrown off by my blunt anger that doesn’t match my words. “That night you were stuck in my elevator?”
She swallows and nods slowly. “You’re not ever going out with anyone else, Lucy.” I watch as her face flushes again and she looks like she’s going to say something. “Interrupt me now, girl, and you’ll be sitting on a red ass for the rest of what I have to say.” Her lips press tightly closed again.
“I’m through waiting. I don’t really know if you’re ready. I don’t care. I’m done waiting for you to be ready for me.” I grab her arms and yank her off the chair, pulling her against me. I kiss her.
Not the soft kiss I gave her that night. Nothing sweet about this kiss. But she responds. Her tongue pushes against mine, her lips soften. And her tiny moan escapes before I pull my face back to look into her eyes again. She takes her time opening them slowly.
“That’s why you’re not going out with anyone else, Lucy.”
Chapter 38 HER
His grin is the first thing I see when I reopen my eyes. I can’t think of anything to say besides, “Oh.” He lets go of my arms, but I stay standing close, in
between his legs. I can see that he’s turned on. I know I am.
I’ve thought of Jake this way before. Just never really thought it would happen. I had started to put him in the friend file in my mind. That was not a friendly kiss though. I brush my lips with two fingers.
He’s still grinning, watching my hand and mouth, searching my eyes. “I’ve waited a long time to do that.”
I move a step back from him. I’m rocked by a clear image of Max. How he was so angry that night; how he was so loving the next day. How he’s gone. But I still shouldn’t be here, doing this now. And certainly not with his brother. “You shouldn’t have done that…it’s too soon for me…for this.”
His grin falters for a moment, his voice takes on a little of the anger he had earlier, “But it’s not too soon for you to go out with some random guy you just met?”
I push against his chest, but his arms lock around me again, “That’s not fair, Jake. That was just going to be one night. One time. Not this. Not you.”
“Why not me, Lucy? You’ve known how I feel about you. You’ve had to know. What…did you think I’d wait, sit back and watch you get over Max by being with other men first?!”
“I don’t want to get over Max!”
“Too bad!” And he kisses me again. Just as hard, just as forceful. This time I push away from him. Or try to anyway. His arms are stones around me, keeping me from moving. I can feel my body reacting to him. Wanting him. The same way I did that night. But my mind is still running away. Or trying to.
He finally stops and lets me move a little in his arms. I pull my hand up and slap him hard, stinging my own hand and seeing the redness on his cheek.
True Control 4.2: A Dark Romance (True Series Book 5) Page 12
