Amy nodded. “Affirmative, your honor.”
Patti looked back at Cassidy. “So who knows what really happened? Maybe he just got scared.”
Cassidy stuck out her tongue. “Blech. I feel like we’re back in seventh-grade science class right now, only we’re dissecting a relationship instead of a frog. And I still feel sick.”
Amy laughed. “Do you ever think that maybe the fact that you live in New York is what made you so attractive to him?
Cassidy looked at her. “What do you mean?”
Amy lifted her glass. “I’m just wondering if the fact that you don’t live here was part of the appeal, given that he’s clearly in no position to be in a relationship right now, much less a serious one. And then when it started to become more than he was ready for, he decided to throw some ice on it.”
“You mean like when I asked him to my family’s holiday dinner?”
Amy nodded. “Maybe.”
Cassidy frowned and chewed on her thumbnail. “I hadn’t thought of it that way. Now I feel even more stupid.”
“I don’t entirely agree,” Patti said. “No one over the age of sixteen engages in that level of texting if it doesn’t mean something, and no one over the age of thirty breaks off a promising relationship without a legitimate reason.” She put her hand on Cassidy’s arm. “I think he had real feelings for you, and I think he probably still does. He’s just in a bad place right now, and that has absolutely nothing to do with you. And for what it’s worth, I think you should give him the cuff links.”
Cassidy gave her an are-you-crazy look. “Why should I give them to him? To make myself look even more like an idiot?”
“Stop talking like that. Because that’s the kind of person you are, that’s why.”
“You mean an idiot?”
“Stop it right now or I’m going to throw this beer in your face.”
Cassidy looked at Amy. “What do you think?”
Amy shook her head. “I wouldn’t do it. If he doesn’t react the way you want him to, you may regret it.”
Cassidy turned back to Patti. “I think Amy’s right. And she’s smarter than you; she’s a lawyer.”
Patti reached for a napkin. “I will choose to ignore that assumption, even though you’re probably correct. But regardless, who cares how he reacts? I’m concerned about you, not him. You can be the bigger person here, Cassidy. He said he wanted to be friends, right? So even if he’s not acting like one right now, that doesn’t mean you can’t. You can never go wrong in life by being the bigger person.”
Cassidy frowned. “Easier said than done. I’m the one who’s hurting, remember?”
“I think you’re underestimating what he feels for you. Even though we all agree he’s kind of being a jerk right now, I’m sure he’s hurting too,” Patti said. “And you can’t discount what he’s dealing with. Watching your mother crumble like that? It has to be tough.”
“I know, but I still think that if he felt anything for me, I would have heard from him by now. Even Roy said as much.”
Patti shook her head. “I disagree, and Roy doesn’t know the extent of how much you and Brandon were in contact. Men are different from us. While we tend to look at how our actions impact others, I think Brandon can’t see beyond his own awful situation right now, and unfortunately you’re just collateral damage.”
Amy smiled. “Collateral damage. That’s pretty good.”
Patti sat up straight, a proud smile on her face. “Isn’t it? I just made it up right now, and I didn’t even go to law school.”
Cassidy smiled weakly. “I wish he could hear you guys saying all this. I wish…he knew how hurt I am. I hate feeling this…defeated,” she practically whispered the last part of the sentence.
Patti pulled her car keys out of her pocket. “Want me to tell him? If so, just give me his address, because I have no problem driving right over to his house and telling him. No problem at all.”
Cassidy rolled her eyes. “Yeah, that wouldn’t make either of us look crazy at all.”
Patti put her keys away. “OK, I admit I was joking, sort of. But what about the cuff links? You want me to drop them off for you? That would be far from crazy.”
“Thanks, but if I’m going to give them to him, I need to do it myself.”
“Do it,” Patti said.
Cassidy turned to Amy. “Should I?”
Amy shook her head. “I probably wouldn’t, but Patti’s known you much longer than I have, and she knows Brandon too, so maybe her opinion should trump mine.”
Cassidy looked back at Patti, then sighed.
“Do it,” Patti said again.
Cassidy sat there for a moment, then slowly began to nod. “OK. But I just…I just wonder…” Her voice trailed off.
“You wonder what?” Amy asked.
Cassidy stared at the table. “I just wonder…if it’s ever going to happen for me.”
“If what’s ever going to happen for you?” Patti asked.
Cassidy gave her a sheepish look. “You know, the fairy-tale romance, the prince, the wedding, the happy ending, all of that. All the stuff I write about in my books.”
Amy and Patti both started laughing.
“What’s so funny?” Cassidy said.
Patti squeezed her shoulder. “I know you make a living pretending that marriage is a bottomless love fest, but believe me, it isn’t. No one talks about what it’s like sleeping next to a man who ate an enormous burrito for dinner.”
Amy raised her hand. “Don’t forget the perpetual argument about what constitutes something as clean. Hot tap water alone does not a clean dish make, am I right?”
“Are you saying you’d rather not be married?” Cassidy asked them. “There’s no way either of you is saying that.”
Patti shook her head. “No, I’m not saying that. What I’m saying is that marriage is not all breakfast in bed and picnics in the park, especially when you throw kids into the mix. And being married is hardly the only relationship that matters in a person’s life. I’d kill to have parents like yours, for example. I barely speak to mine anymore, and they’ve made zero effort to get to know their own grandchildren. Do you have any idea how hurtful that is?”
Amy nodded. “I completely agree. My husband hasn’t spoken to his dad in years, and as you just heard, I absolutely loathe my job. Being married is hardly the only key to happiness.”
Cassidy smiled. “I guess I have a pretty cool family.”
Patti nodded. “Hell yes you do. And you have a sick job too.”
Cassidy nodded. “I do love my job, if you can even call it a job.”
“It pays the bills. It’s a job,” Patti said.
Amy sighed. “I spend all day watching the clock.”
Patti pointed at Cassidy. “See? No one has everything. I know it hurts right now, and I’m not discounting your feelings. But when you look at the whole picture, romance is just one part of life. It may not be clicking the way you want it to right now, but don’t forget to appreciate the things that are clicking, because they’re just as important.”
Cassidy touched the part of her nose where the scrape had once been. “You’re right.”
“I told you so.”
Cassidy reached for Patti’s hand and squeezed it. “I think I’m doing pretty well in the friendship department, if I may say so myself.”
Patti squeezed back. “Damn straight you are. Now let’s order another round before it’s my bedtime.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
THE FIRST DAY of January, Cassidy decided to call Brandon. She told herself she was just following Patti’s advice, that she was being the bigger person by reaching out to see how he was doing, just as a true friend would. But deep down she knew the truth—that she wouldn’t be able to move on until she had some kind of contact with him. She’d had enough of
texting and decided the grown-up thing to do was to pick up the phone the old-fashioned way.
She didn’t really expect him to answer, but he did.
On the second ring.
“Cassidy, hi.” He sounded surprised. “How are you?”
She was briefly frozen at hearing his voice, but she forced herself to speak. “Hi. I’m good, thanks. Um…I know it’s a little awkward, but I still have your Christmas present, and since it’s something I can’t return, I thought maybe I could bring it over to you.” The last thing she wanted to do was stop by unannounced, or worse, run into him while trying to drop off the gift surreptitiously. She already felt like a stalker just for thinking about him so much, and now she just wanted this to be over.
He didn’t reply right away, and for a crushing moment she wondered if he was going to turn her down completely.
She felt her palms begin to sweat.
He wouldn’t do that, would he?
After all we’ve been through?
Oh my God.
He’s going to say no.
After an excruciating silence, he finally spoke. “I’ve got the boys today, but maybe tomorrow afternoon. Around one?”
She swallowed. “OK, sure.”
Another uncomfortable pause followed, so she decided to end the conversation before it got even worse. She couldn’t take anymore.
“Good, I’ll come by then. Bye, Brandon.”
“Bye, Cassidy.”
She hung up the phone and stared at it.
Her hand was shaking.
How had things changed so much, so fast?
At 12:56 the next afternoon, Cassidy made a right turn onto Brandon’s street. She drove slowly down the block, wondering which house was his. Was this where he’d lived with his ex-wife? The fact that she didn’t know the answer reminded her of how little she actually knew about him.
She spotted the address and pulled her mom’s SUV over to the curb. As soon as she turned off the ignition, her heartbeat became more pronounced, and she felt a wave of nausea hit her. Nearly two months had passed since she’d last seen him, but given how raw her emotions were right now, it felt like yesterday. When he’d kissed her good-bye outside of Mayfield Bakery that day, she never would have guessed it would be for the last time.
She sat in the car for a few moments, trying to calm her jittery nerves. She could feel tiny beads of sweat on the back of her neck, much like she’d felt before her keynote address back in November. She closed her eyes and searched for the strength she knew was still inside her, however hidden.
Believe in yourself, Cassidy.
Finally, she opened the car door, then reached for her purse and slowly approached Brandon’s house, admiring his holiday decorations as she made her way to the front door. A reindeer grazed next to a sleigh on the front lawn, and all the windows facing the street were lined with white lights. Two tiny pairs of muddy rain boots were lined up on the front step.
She took a deep breath, then slowly raised her hand toward the doorbell and pressed the button. Her heart was still beating faster than she would have liked, and she willed it to slow down.
Deep breaths, deep breaths.
She heard footsteps on the other side of the door, then a clicking sound.
And there he was.
“Hi, Cassidy.”
“Hi, Brandon.” She was slightly taken aback at his appearance. As usual he was dressed impeccably, in dark jeans and a dark-blue V-neck sweater over a white collared shirt, but he looked…awful. His skin was ashen, his forehead deeply lined, his shoulders drooping.
And his eyes…
His piercing gray eyes, which had once mesmerized her, now looked…hollow.
He looked hollow.
She was tempted to hug him but didn’t dare.
He stepped outside onto the porch. “How are you? I’m sorry for not being in touch. I didn’t want to bug you.”
She tried not to laugh. He didn’t want to bug her? If he only knew how many times she’d stared at her phone, desperately wishing he would bug her.
“I’m good, thanks. How is your mom?”
He crossed his arms in front of him. “Not well. She’s back in the hospital. She’s exhibiting signs of brain damage.”
Cassidy’s hand flew up to cover her mouth. “Oh my God.”
He scratched his chin, which now was nearly covered with a full beard. “So needless to say, that complicates her situation a great deal.”
“What happens now?”
“I need to find a live-in facility that can help with both the mental and physical issues she’s dealing with, and then I’ve got to put her house on the market.”
“I’m so sorry, Brandon.”
“Thank you. It’s been a rough couple of months, to say the least. I’m hoping this year will be better. It certainly can’t get much worse.”
She nodded slowly. No wonder she hadn’t heard from him.
They stood there in silence for a few moments, and then he finally spoke. “So how have you been? Did you have a good Christmas?” He recrossed his arms, and she could feel a chill in the air.
“I did, thanks, just spent it with my family, nothing too exciting. What about you?”
He shrugged. “I had the boys for Christmas Eve, then spent most of Christmas Day at the hospital.” His eyes were vacant, glassy.
Distant.
“Oh,” she said softly.
He glanced at her leg. “Did your Achilles finally heal?”
She smiled. “Yes, finally. It took long enough. I really missed running for a while there.”
“Glad to hear it. So what else is going on?”
She swallowed. “I, uh, I finished my novel.”
“Good for you. That’s great news.”
“Thanks. It was a challenge for a bit, but I finally got through it.”
“You must be thrilled.”
“Right now I’m more drained than thrilled. This one really took it out of me, especially at the end. I think I’m better off writing happier books, to be honest.”
“It’s not a happy book?”
“I wouldn’t say that. It’s just…different from my other books. At least the ending is. I guess you could call it bittersweet.”
He nodded but didn’t say anything, and she knew he understood. She wondered if she might have had a different reaction to Miss Perception’s ending had their own romance not imploded so unceremoniously.
She stared at the ground for a few moments, then slowly raised her gaze and looked at him.
At his eyes.
Those eyes had once captivated her, not only for their beauty but for how he’d allowed her to see beyond them, to see within him, and also for how they’d seen something special inside her. Now, as she studied them intently, she saw nothing…and realized they were seeing nothing in return. The intense connection between them was broken.
It was almost as if he were staring right through her.
It was almost as if she were standing there by herself.
A car drove by, breaking the silence, and she suddenly remembered why she was there. “Oh, your gift.” She reached inside her purse and pulled out a small box, which she’d wrapped in shiny red paper and white ribbon. “Sorry for the delayed delivery. I guess better late than never, right?” She wondered what this scene would look like from the perspective of the passing driver, the two of them standing on the porch of a charming house decorated for the holidays, pleasantly exchanging gifts. No one would have guessed that the storybook presentation was anything but.
He took the box but barely smiled. He didn’t look ungrateful, just weary. “Thanks. Do you want me to open it now?”
She shrugged. “Sure, why not?” This was hardly going as she’d hoped it would, but by now she’d pretty much given up hope, at least whe
re he was concerned. She was eager to get back on the plane to New York as soon as possible and put all this behind her. She had her answer, and there was no point in drawing it out.
He carefully removed the wrapping paper and opened the signature light-blue box. He removed the cuff links and held them up for a moment, then put them back. “Thank you, Cassidy, these are very nice.” He said the words without any visible emotion. Had he seen the engraving? If so, he hadn’t reacted.
She tried to prod him with her eyes, but it wasn’t working, so she abandoned tact for directness. “Did you see the engraving?”
He glanced at the box again. “Yes.”
She gave him a confused look. “Do you know what they stand for?”
“No.”
She cleared her throat. What is wrong with him? “The H is for Henry, and the J is for Jack.”
He nodded slowly. “Ah, got it. I’m sorry. I thought the J was an I, so I didn’t put it together. My mind is a little fuzzy right now. I haven’t been sleeping very much.”
“I can tell.” It was like talking to a robot.
He tried to smile, but it looked painfully forced. “Thank you for these. That was very thoughtful of you.” It was clear he had nothing for her—but then, she hadn’t really expected him to.
“You’re welcome. Obviously, um, I bought them a long time ago, you know…when things were different.” When I thought there was something magical happening between us.
He nodded, then changed the subject.
“When do you head back to New York?”
“In a couple of days. But I’ll be back in about six weeks for another speaking engagement. Another keynote, actually. In San Francisco.”
“Good for you.”
She felt he wanted her to leave now, that he had nothing more to say to her. Then again, did she have anything more to say to him? She didn’t want to admit that the answer was no. She still didn’t want to admit that it was really ending this way.
She forced a smile of her own. “Well, I guess I’d better get going. I’m so sorry about your mom. Will you keep me posted on how things are going with her?”
Cassidy Lane Page 24
