by Leanne Davis
The hole on the wall was rough and big where Tony busted the cabinet off. Derek realized then Tony was freaking out about what his wife would think.
“Think you could help me get it back up? They’re shopping, right? Should be a few hours at least.”
He stared at Tony. “You want to replace this? Didn’t you want it down?”
“Well, yeah, but not all busted up like this. She’ll give me a lecture about my arm again. Shit, aren’t there some things you don’t want Olivia giving you crap about?”
He stared at Tony and realized he didn’t know. He didn’t argue with Olivia. He was so lucky to be with her, he couldn’t say anything she did annoyed him. Tony paused and snorted, “Look, kid, I’ve seen the respect you give her. I do. But she’s got some annoying habits too. It’s okay to, you know, bitch about them once in a while. Christ, Gretchen is always right. Always. Sometimes, I do things that I know are stupid just to try and prove her wrong. Doesn’t work out for me, but I still do it. I think it helps me hold onto my man-cards.”
Derek arched his eyebrows. “You think I’m respectful?”
He paused from examining the back of the busted up cabinet. “Yeah. Do you think you’d be in my house if it were otherwise?”
“No, I guess not.”
“No, you wouldn’t. So what do you think? Will you help me?”
“We’re putting this back just so Mrs. Lindstrom doesn’t know you ripped it off?”
“Yes, because if she sees how badly I ripped it off, she’ll give me shit over it. She’ll be right, yet again. We do need to hire it out… I guess I needed the cabinet hitting me on the head before I’d believe it. Sometimes, I just wish it wasn’t so. Enough to do jackass things like this.”
“But isn’t that lying?”
He nodded. “There is a fine line. Sometimes it’s covering your ass, not lying.”
He stared at the broken, splintered wood on the back of the once whole cabinet. “How? How would you fix it?”
“Put a new back on, then rehang it. Not rocket science. You never work on stuff, kid?”
“No. Never.” Everything he ever broke stayed broke. Nothing was ever nice.
“So, let’s visit my shop and see what I got for some plywood.”
He followed Tony out to a metal building further off, toward the back of the yard. It was dusty and cool inside. He flipped the light on. “Fuckin’ arm, keeps me from using it all like I should, but a man can only pay for so much extra help.” He spent some time searching through the equipment and collecting tools and materials, which they brought inside the kitchen. It looked like a far bigger mess than what they started with. It would have been much easier, in Derek’s mind, to just let Gretchen be right.
“You ever use one of these?”
He glanced at the electric tool Tony was holding and shook his head no. Tony grinned. “You better use it. Two hands are better with this one. It’s called a Sawzall; it will cut the back off. Just follow the rim here. Careful. Get a feel for it, okay? That’s it. Yeah.” Tony sat off to the side of him as Derek worked. Tony guided him a few times, but let him work on his own mostly. The machine vibrated his hands and arms. It felt weird and jerky as he cut the back through the cabinet in a square. The splintered, fractured wood was easily torn off and the cabinet was now backless.
It looked worse than it did before they started. Tony began measuring and marking the sheet of plywood behind them. He had Derek cut it with the Sawzall again out in his shop. It fit perfectly. They used carpenters’ glue and clamps to keep the back secured, before it was attached with screws. Tony shook his head in amazement; he’d never even used a screw gun. One-handed, Tony could do it better and faster than he could two-handed.
“Tony?”
Just having attached the back of the cabinet, hearing Gretchen’s voice startled them both. They turned, and Tony jumped onto his feet with a guilty look that had Derek biting his lip. Tony was half as tough suddenly than he was an hour ago. “Gretchen! Uh, hey… sweetie.”
“What the hell did you do to my kitchen?” Gretchen enunciated her words slowly and exaggerated them.
Derek’s hands started to sweat. God damn! Shit! They were going to fight now. All the kindness and good will were really a pretense. It was all just a joke, like always. There was no way anyone really got along. Not for the long term. He knew that, didn’t he? He was merely lulled into a false sense of security by the pretty house and the pretty family, at least on the outside. Olivia was just behind them. He hated for her to see what came next. She had high expectations of people who didn’t deserve it. No one did. He grabbed her hand and started to go out of the kitchen. She glanced up, somewhat startled at his sudden presence and that he was pulling her.
“Derek?” she nearly squeaked as he tugged harder on her arm and nearly ran with her outside. Run. Running was always the best defense. There was no strategy for offense. That just got you hurt. And usually, you were unable to stop the hurt. Running was something you at least controlled. Running and deciding to say fuck you to the asshole who was just about to hurt you before you fled was the only policy that Derek followed. His one flair in life was his speed. Running all the time tended to increase it. They hit the front porch and started towards his car. His heart was smacking faster in his chest, and his legs felt suddenly light and free as the adrenaline rush pumped through him. Run, run, run. That’s all his brain heard anymore. Find safety.
****
What the hell were they running from? Olivia had no idea. A second ago, she was standing in the kitchen ready to laugh at whatever her dad tried to do, but couldn’t. Every few months, Tony would do something that no one else could have possibly done one-armed. But it was like he had to punish himself, or remind himself that he was indeed one-armed. And God damn it, he refused to let it interfere with doing whatever he wanted. He was one of the most stubborn men she’d ever known. Then, strangely all of a sudden, Derek grabbed her and nearly dragged her out of the kitchen. She followed him more from curiosity than any real logic. Finally, however, she halted and yanked her hand from his.
“Derek! Stop!” she nearly screamed. He froze and shifted towards her. His eyes had the same panicked look in them that she’d only observed when he discussed his past. And his parents. What could have happened with her parents to have brought that expression into his eyes?
Calming her voice, she stepped towards him and set her hand on his arm. He looked down at her fingers as if they were tiny snakes, ready to strike. “Derek?” she asked, “What is it? Why are you running?”
He seemed to snap out of whatever originally made him run. Shaking his head, he knelt on the ground and frantically combed his fingers through his hair until he locked them behind his neck. He stared at the cement driveway.
She knelt beside him. “Derek? Talk to me. What did you think was going to happen?”
He drew in a deep breath. “I just—I don’t know. I thought maybe they would…”
What? She nearly screamed at him. He never finished, or completed his thoughts when it came to the subject of what was wrong with him. What could be the source of such visceral reactions that he could not handle? What was he always ready to run from?
“Liv?” Tony’s voice came up behind them. His tone was quiet and Derek completely froze. Olivia could just see the side of his face where a blush was blazing over Derek’s cheeks. His pain, and now his embarrassment, made her heart crack in half. He didn’t know why he reacted that way. And yet, when he did react, he got totally embarrassed by whatever pain he expressed. She glanced back at her dad and shrugged her shoulders. Her eyes widened to convey she had no idea of what could be wrong with him. He shook his head in understanding before addressing Derek just as quietly, “Hey, Derek? I still need your help. Do you mind?”
Derek’s head swung up towards them when he glanced at Tony, but he deliberately avoided her. His embarrassment and shame were obvious. Finally, he rose to his feet. He cleared his throat, but only nodded. H
is shoulders slumped forward as he followed her dad inside. She caught her dad’s hand to make him pause momentarily. “Should I come in there?”
“Give him a few minutes, hon. I speak from experience. I still hate it when your mother catches me fumbling something because of my missing arm. A guy doesn’t like to look or feel weak in front of his girl.”
“Dad that was—”
He squeezed her shoulder. “Yeah, I know.”
Tears filled her eyes and Tony smiled at her in encouragement. Then he turned and went after Derek. She hung back before entering the house. She snuck towards the kitchen very quietly with only her socks on so she could slide across the tile floor. She stayed out of sight.
She could hear them moving around. Grunting here and there, as if something was very heavy, she also heard loud whirring noises and snaps.
“So, about earlier. I hope you realize I’d never hurt my wife. Ever. Not for anything. Olivia either.”
Derek didn’t answer. After the screw gun went again, however, he said softly, “I guess.”
“I appreciate what you did for my daughter.”
Silence followed his comment. Then, “What did I do?”
“You tried to protect her. You felt a threat and your first thought was to protect her. That’s how a man protects someone he cares about.”
Her heart contracted and hurt. Derek had no idea how to love. Or be loved. Or receive guidance. Or even do simple, ordinary interactions. His lack of normalcy was a rude awakening to her, and being around what she considered normal people and society was a rude awakening to him. He was like a lost little boy around her parents. He had no idea what to do with their parental authority. It was something Olivia always took for granted. Until now. Until she saw Derek with them. Seeing her dad take Derek under his wing, like the broken, frail bird Derek was, instead of pushing him away, or insisting Derek stay away from her, made her heart swell with love. Tony was the man she kind of “hand-picked” for her father at the age of eight. From the very first day, Tony never let her down, and he continued his unblemished record.
“But just so we’re clear, Olivia, and Gretchen, and really anyone would never be in physical danger from me. Okay?”
Derek didn’t answer at first, but later mumbled, “Okay.”
“Now, you distracted Gretchen long enough so she did not ream my ass out; so if we get this back up, and do it right, maybe she’ll skip the whole thing.”
Derek laughed. Something he rarely felt like doing. Olivia’s love for her boyfriend as well as her father kind of climbed up her throat, where it lodged before inspiring a river of tears.
****
“Okay, try it.”
Derek slowly let go of the cabinet. To his utter amazement, the damn thing stayed attached to the wall. Tony whistled and smiled. “Damn.” He slapped Derek’s back. “Damn fine job. Even looks good. Gretchen wants the whole remodel to start in spring, and it’s, as you know, January, so maybe I should leave things as they are until then.”
He was leaning over and cleaning up his tools. Before starting to gather up the sawdust strewn all over the kitchen, Tony sighed at the mess. He carried his stuff to his shop and came back. Derek felt a brush on his arm and saw Tony handing him a can of cold pop. “Here, kid, take a break.”
Kid. He kept calling him that. Without any snarky, sarcastic connotation to it. He took the can and snapped it open, downing half of it. Tony laughed as he leaned back on the kitchen sink. Waving at Tony’s left side, he finally asked, “How did it happen?”
“Catching a football. Believe that shit? I was in and out of a war zone for eight years, and it was while I was supposed to be safe on base, throwing a damn football, when a suicide bomber got through. Killed three of my friends, injured me and two others.”
“Is it hard?”
Tony drank another beer, which he half downed. Derek’s stomach tightened. His dad only drank the hard shit. He hoped Tony didn’t get mean after drinking it. “Yeah. It’s hard. I didn’t handle it well. Olivia, was hanging around at Gretchen’s office and she started talking to me about two years after it happened. She made me start engaging the world again, because I hadn’t been for two years. And all along, I had this supportive, nice family in my parents and brother, but I could not hear them. I chose not to hear them actually. When I eventually came around, I felt lucky they forgave me. But Olivia was the first person who made me feel normal again.”
Derek never sat around discussing personal stuff before with anyone. He wasn’t sure what to say. No one ever talked to him. Not really. Not about problems, or their private thoughts, or terrible things that happened. Shit happened. He just continued forward without ever saying anything more about it. Even when it was about Max and him.
“How old were you when your dad died?”
Tony’s question was quiet and calm, but Derek’s stomach clenched all the same. He commanded his frantic thoughts to cease. Tony knew nothing. He was just asking a normal, curious question. Not prying, and not looking for blackmail or dirt.
“I was eight.”
“You said he was murdered?
Derek closed his eyes and downed the rest of the pop before crushing the can. “He was shot. In the chest.”
“Must have been tough on you.”
“Yeah.” He turned and concentrated on tossing the can into the garbage under the sink. “But even before that. He never really did much of the dad thing.” That was a total understatement. Derek had already spent more time with Tony in barely a week than he ever spent with his own dad. He was too busy selling drugs. Like father, like son.
Tony started to pass by him, but stopped and put his hand on his shoulder, giving it a good squeeze. “Thanks for the help. You’re a good kid.”
Inexplicably, Derek had to turn towards the window because his eyes suddenly stung terribly and his throat ached.
All he could think about was running again. Away from this family who could actually be as decent and good as they appeared. Just as the girl they raised was. A girl he didn’t deserve and could never keep. He ran whenever he was hurt or scared, but especially when he sensed he was going to feel something. But the only thing he might ever really feel again was because of this one girl.
****
On their last night at Olivia’s parents, she snuck into his room. Derek was sound asleep when he felt a hand sliding up his arm. His eyelids snapped open and he turned his head towards the weight sinking on the mattress next to him. Olivia. She sat on her knees wearing a large t-shirt that fell over her slim body, nearly obscuring most of her. She was tucked up against him like a kid hoping to cuddle with her parents. Her long hair settled around her chest. She tucked a strand behind her ear and her smile seemed shy and unsure.
“What are you doing?” he hissed. Derek was picturing the pain Tony most likely would inflict on him despite being one-armed. Never mind all the tools the man knew how to use. Finding Olivia in his bed at night? No. No way was he doing that. They had two perfectly private beds at her school, or in his apartment if she wanted to mess around. There was no reason to risk his health and welfare to do that. He sat up to tell her to leave, but had to keep his visibly awakening cock concealed under the covers.
“You scared me.”
He didn’t expect her to say that. He thought she was going to lean forward and start kissing him. Instead she set her forehead on his. They stared at each other for a long, pronounced moment. “How? When?”
“When you ran out of here. That’s it for you, isn’t it? How bad things were. You were abused, weren’t you? Your parents hurt you, didn’t they?”
He didn’t want to tell her yes. He didn’t want her to see him like that. A tragic victim. Broken. Ruined. Abused. But wasn’t he all those things? Wasn’t he so screwed up as to not recognize a teasing spat between two happily married people like her parents?
“Derek?” her voice sounded so soft and kind.
“Yeah. My dad… my dad was the worst. He used to be
at us all. Me. My mom. Max.”
“What about your mom?”
“She wasn’t much better. Her cruelty came from her words. She was especially mean to Max. She always made fun of how he talked, and when he totally stopped, she ridiculed him all the time. She was a miserable human being, and passed out most days eventually. We looked forward to those days, because when she did, we were happy and felt like we could finally breathe.”
“Oh God, Derek. I’m so sorry.” She scooted forward and clung to his chest, wrapping her arms around him. He knew she wanted to give him her heart. As well as her goodness. He waited until his arms, almost of their own volition, embraced her and nearly smashed her against him when he held her so tightly. He slid down so they could lie flat. She let him. She also let him crush her to him in a crazy tight hug. Their long moment passed. His breathing hitched before he finally let it out. Her mouth sought his. Her lips were closed and soft as she touched them to his in a tender, sweet caress that lingered before she finally withdrew. She scooted over until she was straddling him. He gasped. She sat her bottom down on his erection and he groaned at the sensation despite the many layers of sheet, blanket, and underwear. He pulled her face back to his and stared into her eyes. She didn’t blink and he lifted his head off the pillow to meet her lips with his. This kiss was hard and demanding as their lips and tongues mashed together. He tried to obliterate his weakness and feeling like a victim in the hot, wet warmth of her mouth. He didn’t slow down, or let up. His mouth devoured hers more eagerly than he usually did. She let out a groan as their teeth scraped and their lips twisted and turned together.
He ran his hands to her hips, slipping under the big shirt, only to find she was completely naked under it. He groaned into her mouth as his hands cupped her small, perfect ass cheeks in each palm. He could almost palm each butt cheek, she was so slim. He kneaded and pressed her against him. The excessive heat soon produced sweat. He was so turned on, it was painful.
