by Marta Perry
“What makes you think I’m going to share anything?” But she sat down next to him, hearing the comforting squeak of the couch springs, feeling the soft cushions curve around her like supporting arms.
“Because we’re friends. Because you need to.”
He was right about that. She did need to. She’d held it all inside for so long that the emotions roiled at the slightest touch. “Yes. I guess I do.”
He put his hand over hers where it lay on the couch between them. “So talk to me about it. You loved him once,” he prompted.
“Yes.” She tried to remember how it had felt, but so many difficult times had come between. “We met in college. Jason was a year ahead of me. Popular, charming, smart. Everyone liked Jason.”
She might have been describing Ryan back in high school. The flash of insight threw her off track. Was that what had attracted her to Jason—that superficial resemblance to the guy she’d had a crush on in high school?
Fortunately Ryan couldn’t guess what she was thinking. “So you graduated, got married, started a life,” he prompted.
“We bought a townhouse in Philadelphia. Jason’s father helped us with the down payment. He said he didn’t want us to live in a dump while we were starting out.”
Was that when it had started—that constant interference in their lives? That constant gibing at Jason that he couldn’t handle things on his own?
“That was nice of him. Or was it?” Ryan seemed to catch the mixed feelings in her tone.
“I don’t know. Maybe he intended to be kind, but—” She shook her head. “I still don’t understand the relationship between Jason and his father. I never did. I just know that Jason was always trying to prove he could handle things on his own. That he could be a better businessman than his father had ever been.”
Ryan’s fingers moved comfortingly on hers. “Fathers and sons can drive each other crazy. Their relationship wasn’t your fault.”
“I should have handled the situation better. But if I questioned anything Jason was doing, he acted as if I were criticizing him, just as his father did. So eventually he stopped telling me what he did.” She swallowed. This was the hard part, and there was no point in confiding if she didn’t say it. “Then Mandy was born.”
Her throat closed. Ryan didn’t say anything. He just waited.
“Jason hadn’t wanted a baby, but if we were going to have one, it should have been a son. And it should have been perfect.”
His hand tightened convulsively on hers. “How could he possibly look at that little girl and not fall in love with her?”
That was what she’d always thought, and she was immeasurably comforted to hear Ryan say the words.
“I don’t know. I still don’t understand. He just—turned us off. As if our marriage, our family, had been a business deal that went bad.” She sucked in a breath. “I tried. I couldn’t reach him.”
“Did you separate?”
“No.” Her mouth twisted. “We’d made vows I didn’t intend to break. But he was away more and more. Business, he said. I didn’t know until later that his father had cut him off. Too much money down too many bad deals.”
“Surely the man wouldn’t cut off his innocent granddaughter. It wasn’t her fault that her father was…” He paused, seeming to delete several word choices. “…a disappointment.”
Something else she’d never understood. “Your father wouldn’t behave that way. Nor mine. Maybe that was where Jason got his attitude.”
Ryan shook his head slowly. “I guess there are people like that. That doesn’t mean I can understand them. Or accept their attitude.”
“I tried to mend the breach, but there was nothing I could do. Then I found out Jason had been trying to solve his financial problems at the casinos in Atlantic City.” It hurt to say, but the words seemed to push themselves out. “He was on his way there the night he was killed.”
Ryan shifted his weight toward her. “I’m sorry. Sorry he died, sorry he was a jerk, sorry he didn’t realize what he had in that beautiful little girl. In you.”
She felt the heat rush to her cheeks and tried to deny it. She shouldn’t let Ryan see how much his words meant to her.
“Well, that’s my sad story, anyway. After I realized how little was left when the creditors had been paid, I went to Jason’s father. I thought he’d surely be willing to lend me the money to get back on my feet. I was wrong.”
Again she had the feeling that Ryan was editing his words before speaking.
“Maybe it’s a good thing I don’t know the man. I’d be tempted to do something that would land me in jail.”
“You might be tempted, but you wouldn’t.” She could say that with confidence. “That’s not who you are.”
His fingers smoothed hers. “You must know me better than I know myself, then.”
Maybe she did. At least she knew what a good heart he had underneath the charm he wore so casually. That was what Jason had been missing.
“So now you know.” She tried to smile. “And you were right. It does feel good to tell a friend. Thank you.”
“Any time.” His voice lightened. “Burdens gladly shared, no charge. You’d do the same for me.”
Would she? She’d lived absorbed in her daughter and her own problems for so long that maybe she’d lost the power to empathize with others.
“I hope so.” She glanced up at his face, to find it nearer than she’d expected. Her heart gave a little hiccup, and she had to concentrate to keep her voice even.
“I hope I can be as good a friend as you.”
She expected the kind of light-hearted response Ryan used to keep things on that smiling, surface level. But instead his blue eyes darkened until they were almost navy.
“You already are.” His voice was a low, baritone rumble.
“I don’t think I—” Whatever she might have said got lost on the way to her lips. She could only watch as his face drew nearer.
He was going to kiss her. She should turn away, she should stop this before it started—
His lips claimed hers, and she stopped thinking altogether. His arms closed around her warmly, his hands stroking her back, molding her against him.
She grasped his shoulders, feeling the strength and protectiveness that poured from him. Ryan cared. He might not want to admit it, but he cared.
“Laura.” He brushed feather-light kisses across her cheek. “I’d hate to tell you how long I’ve wanted to do that.”
She nestled her cheek against his. Take it lightly, some rational part of her mind warned. Just because he’s attracted, just because he cares, that doesn’t mean he will ever want anything more.
“You’re not the only one.” She leaned back in the circle of his arms, trying for a lightness she didn’t feel. She patted his cheek. “This was the subject of my daydreams in high school, after all.”
He smiled, the cleft in his chin deepening. “I was a dummy in high school.”
She thought that was relief in his eyes at her light response. He didn’t want her to overreact, after all. That wasn’t part of his persona. Nothing serious, nothing permanent, that was Ryan.
“I’d be tempted not to agree with that, but it’s too late for an argument.” She rose, turning away from him before her smile could slip and her expression showed him what she really felt for him.
He got up quickly. “You’re right. I just intended to drop by and make sure you were okay.”
“Instead you got stuck hearing my life story.”
“Hey.” He caught her arm, turning her to face him.
“I don’t regret anything that happened tonight.” His fingers brushed her cheek, nearly undoing her.
“Thank you, Ryan. For everything.” It means more than you’ll ever know.
“I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”
“Okay.”
She followed him down the stairs, grateful that the dim light hid any strain in her expression. At the outside door he paused. He bent to plant a ki
ss where his touch had been.
“I mean it. I’ll call.”
“I know.”
He would call. She watched him walk away and then closed and bolted the door. But that didn’t mean anything would come of it.
Ryan was attracted to her, but they were at entirely different places in their lives. With the best intentions in the world, there was no way lighthearted Ryan was ready for the complications involved in loving someone like her.
She’d better keep that firmly in mind if she didn’t want to be hurt.
Chapter Nine
Laura watched Mandy run across the lawn at Gabe and Nolie’s farm a couple of days later, wondering if she could actually do this. Mandy seemed happy enough now, but how would she react when her mommy started to leave?
This had been Ryan’s idea, of course. She’d mentioned that she wanted to go to a country sale to try and pick up some shelves for the third-floor room. Discovering that the sale was being held only a few miles from the farm, he’d proposed that Mandy stay with Nolie while he borrowed Gabe’s truck and went with Laura to the sale.
She’d have refused, but he’d brought it up in front of Mandy, and she’d been so happy at the idea of seeing the puppies again that she hadn’t been able to say no.
Ryan fell into step with her as they crossed the soft grass to where Nolie was hugging Mandy. The farmhouse seemed to spread out welcoming arms to them, and tulips nodded brightly along the edge of the porch.
“Relax,” he said. “Nolie will take good care of her. She’s great with children.”
“I know she will. I’m just not used to leaving Mandy with anyone.”
He clasped her hand, swinging it lightly. “Now’s a good time to start, don’t you think?”
A week or two ago she’d have been angry at his presumption, but they’d moved past that stage. And she did trust Nolie. Nolie and Mandy were talking already, hands moving quickly, faces expressive. Nolie sat on the step, bringing her face to Mandy’s level.
Nolie looked up and smiled when they approached. “We’re going to visit the puppies. You two can go ahead and leave now, if you’re ready.”
You two, Nolie had said, as if they were a pair. They weren’t.
Ryan gave Nolie an affectionate hug. “Thanks for the loan of the truck. And for keeping this little girl occupied. I think hunting for bargains would get pretty boring for her after awhile.”
“My pleasure.” Nolie’s smile said that it really was a pleasure. “Mandy, say bye-bye to Mommy. She’s going shopping, but she’ll be back soon.”
Mandy flung her arms around Laura in a throttling hug and then ran back to Nolie, tugging on her hand. “Puppies,” she announced.
“Have a good time.” Nolie waved and let herself be pulled toward the barn. Mandy was so excited that she didn’t even look back.
“I guess she’s going to be fine.” The discovery left her feeling oddly flat.
“Pleased? Or disappointed?”
Ryan was a little too perceptive, but she couldn’t help smiling as she followed him to the truck.
“Some of both, I guess. I was prepared for Mandy to be a little apprehensive, at least.”
He held the door for her, and she gave the pickup truck a considering look. “Are you sure this is going to get us there and back?”
“Positive.” He brushed at a little mud caked on the red fender. “It may not look like much, but Gabe keeps it in top-notch order.”
When she still hesitated, he laughed and gave her a quick hug. “Trust me.”
She climbed into the high seat, trying not to react to the feel of his arm around her. He’d hugged her the same way he’d hugged Nolie—affectionately, nothing more.
That was how he’d behaved since the night they’d kissed. He’d certainly been attentive, checking in a couple of times a day by phone or in person. But his attitude had been casual, as if that kiss had been nothing more than a gesture between friends.
Well, that was how she wanted it. Just friends.
A sidelong glance showed her his strong hands on the wheel, the corded muscles in his forearms under the folded-back sleeves of his plaid shirt. Attraction, that’s all it was, she told herself firmly. Nothing more.
“Are you dressing for the part?” She nodded to his faded jeans and well-worn shirt. “I’ve never seen you wearing plaid before.”
He grinned. “Might as well try to fit in. We’re looking for bargains, remember.”
“The cheaper the better.” The cash she’d tucked into her handbag would have to be enough, because it was all she could spare.
With a spray of gravel, Ryan turned the truck around and pulled out onto the country road. “We’re off. Hope they have what you want.”
“According to the sale list, they have several sets of wooden shelves. I just hope the sale isn’t cluttered with dealers, jacking the prices up.”
“That’s not usually a big problem around here. This is far enough from the city that prices stay reasonable.”
She nodded, checking her bag to be sure her cell phone was on in case Nolie needed to call her.
“She’s not going to call,” Ryan said, reading her emotions again. His hands moved easily on the wheel.
“The only problem you’re going to have is getting Mandy away from those puppies without taking one home. You should, you know. Every kid needs a pet.”
She slid the cell phone back into place a little guiltily. “That’s easy enough for you to say. You know where you’ll be living in a month or two. We might end up in a rental that doesn’t allow pets.”
“Plenty of apartments do.”
“And plenty of them don’t.” She tried to put finality in her tone.
“Look, I know you think I’m bugging you about this.”
Ryan pulled into a narrow gravel lane marked by a white board that bore a single word: Sale. The word slanted slightly downhill, as if the artist wasn’t used to painting letters, and the black paint trailed a wavy line under the e.
“You are bugging me,” she pointed out.
He turned into a field and pulled into a parking space next to an SUV. “Only because I think it would give you and Mandy a little more protection.”
His face was so serious that her heart jolted.
“Why do you think we need more protection? Have you found out something else about the arsonist?”
“Only that he’s covering his trail well.” He frowned. “Too well.”
“If you’re trying to scare me, you’re succeeding.” The thought that the unknown person might come back to finish his job was never far from her mind.
Ryan shrugged, broad shoulders moving under the plaid shirt. He looked uneasy. “I want you to be careful, not scared. Maybe I’m letting North’s attitude influence me too much. He sees trouble around every corner.”
“So do I, lately.” How could she help it?
“Well, let’s both try to put that situation on the back burner for today. We can’t do anything about it now.” He opened the door and slid out. “Let’s go see if we can find some bargains.”
She followed him across the stubbly grass of the field, analyzing what he’d said. If Ryan did know something else about the arsonist, would he tell her? Probably not. That was the line between friendship and business for him.
Well, today was about business for her, and she’d best concentrate on that. Her mind flickered to Mandy.
Is she all right without me? Lord—
She stopped abruptly, startled at herself. At one time in her life she’d carried on that sort of constant conversation with God. Then the grudge she bore put a stop to those almost unconscious prayers.
I’ll pray for you.
People like the Flanagans said those words so easily. For all she knew, Mandy was in someone’s prayers right now. But not her mother’s.
The thought shook her, and she tried to push it away. It wouldn’t go.
Ryan stopped, glancing at her. “Something wrong?”
; “No.” I just don’t know where I am, or whether God even wants to hear from me.
She knew how Siobhan would answer that. Of course He does. He’s never stopped loving you.
But Siobhan had more faith than she did.
The items for sale sat in haphazard rows in the mowed field next to the barn, looking like so many forlorn tombstones. Yellow stickers announced hoped-for prices, but she suspected no price was firm. People who had estate sales wanted to get rid of things.
She paused by a stack of old family photograph albums, their pages sliding apart. Sad, that there was no one left in the family who wanted them. Maybe the family line had died out. Or no one cared.
Ryan had passed the photo albums without a glance and was kneeling next to a cardboard box filled with eight-track tapes. “Hey, look at this great collection.”
She shook her head, amusement replacing that faint sense of melancholy. “It’s only great if you have something to play them on. Do you own an eight-track player?”
He rose, dusting his hands off. “Actually there just might be one in the attic. Dad keeps threatening to get a Dumpster and get rid of our junk, but he never does. He knows there’s just as much of his old stuff up there as ours.”
“It must be nice to have lived in the same house for so long.”
“Three generations of Flanagans. Four, actually, counting Seth’s little boy, but they’ll be moving out soon, when Seth and Julie get married.” His eyebrows lifted. “Didn’t you stay put, when you were a kid? I remember the house you lived in on Maple.”
“We moved from there when I was fifteen. My mother wanted something a little bigger.”
“Bigger? There were only three of you.”
“She really wanted something a little more prestigious.” She grimaced. “She thought moving to a more upscale neighborhood would give me what she called ‘the right kind of friends.’”
“Did it?”
She bent to examine an old sewing-machine cabinet, hoping to hide her face. “No.”
She’d just been more alone. Her mother had never understood that Laura wasn’t capable of the kind of social success she’d wanted. It had been one more cause for disappointment in her daughter.
