by Suzy K Quinn
While we were rowing, Alex turned up to go running.
Nick said, ‘Oh that’s very mature Juliette. You’re quite literally running of with another man while we’re trying to have an adult discussion.’
But frankly, I wanted to get out of that flat and be around someone who wasn’t an actor and didn’t turn everything into one huge drama.
I think Alex sensed something was up, because he said, ‘Bad day?’
I admitted Nick and I had been rowing.
He asked me if I was having pre-wedding nerves.
I told him no – I’m looking forward to getting married. It will be a clean slate and a new beginning.
Alex said, ‘What a romantic sentiment. And here was I thinking you get married because you love someone.’
I said, ‘I do love Nick.’
Alex said, ‘I know that. I’ve just never had a clue why.’
Friday April 17th
Pretty sure Daisy is teething.
She keeps dribbling and smashing her head against things.
The book says this goes on for months. Months?
Mum says not to worry because when the tooth comes through another problem will take its place.
She made a big long list of all the problems I had to come:
Separation anxiety
Night terrors
Molars (then I’ll wish it was the little teeth again)
Opening cupboards
Climbing stairs
Pulling nappies off and throwing them across the room
She added, ‘And it doesn’t necessarily stop when they’re grown up. They could be like Brandi and have a baby at sixteen. Then you’re stuck with them forever.’
Saturday April 18th
I am an AMAZING mum! Daisy slept ALL night last night.
ALL NIGHT!
And I jogged TWO miles today! Two whole miles without stopping. For the first time, I actually have hope that I might be able to finish the marathon.
Of course, when I phoned Sadie she said, ‘It’s easier to train now the weather’s warmer. The real marathon will be freezing. You’ve got a long way to go.’
I said it would be easier if my so-called running partner actually showed up.
Sadie said, ‘Look, you know me. I’m terrible with time.’
I said, ‘If you’re terrible with time, how come you’re never early?’
Sunday April 19th
Daisy woke up FIVE TIMES last night.
So tired I’ve lost two cups of coffee today.
Found one in the bathroom, but where’s the other one?
I’ve never loved anything as much as Daisy. She is the best thing I have ever seen, heard, touched or smelt. But sometimes – especially at night-time – I want to kill her.
I used to judge those mums who scream at their kids in supermarkets. But now I don’t. Because they’re only saying what I think in my head sometimes.
Couldn’t be bothered to go for a run today. There’s no way I’ll finish this marathon.
Just no way.
Tuesday April 21st
Oh my God, I am totally fed up. Daisy woke up at 2am, 4am and 5.30am – at which point she cried until 7am.
I mean, it’s not like I’d give Daisy back or anything. She makes my life magical. But when does it end? It’s so gruelling. Every night, not knowing if she’s going to sleep or not. And not being able to stop the crying. And not knowing WHY she’s crying.
What am I doing wrong? WHY WON’T SHE SLEEP!!!
Ate a jumbo bar of Cadbury’s Whole Nut chocolate for lunch. Didn’t mean to, but it was on price promotion at the bookshop.
I went in to buy The Big Book of Baby Sleep, and they’d put giant bars of chocolate by the cash registers. It’s like they know sleep-deprived mums go in there.
Wednesday April 22nd
Bought more sleep books today. Apparently, a baby Daisy’s age should be sleeping all night without waking.
Well it’s alright to SAY that, isn’t it? But how do you make them do it? I mean, what if offering cool boiled water or a dummy doesn’t work at 3am?
Feel very alone today.
I’m a mother. I’m supposed to be the one who fixes things.
But sometimes I just can’t.
Alex called round for training, but I couldn’t face it.
I was way too tired.
At first, Alex came down hard on me, saying I mustn’t give up and that difficulty is part of every victory.
Then I told him I was having lady problems, and the intercom cut out pretty quickly.
Thursday April 23rd
Sadie came round tonight – not to train, but to show me a new coat she’d just bought.
I was putting Daisy to bed and she said, ‘Christ! Are her ribs supposed to stick out like that?’
I said Daisy’s ribs were beautiful.
I mean, Callum had big bulging eyes when he was born. Like he was on a Coca-Cola high (which is totally possible – Brandi drank a lot of cola when she was pregnant).
Then Sadie asked where my ‘loser boyfriend’ was, and I had to admit I wasn’t sure. He should have been home hours ago.
Sadie said, ‘That man is a pig. You do know that, don’t you?’
I was too tired to defend Nick yet again. I wish everyone would remember that he’s working really hard. And that he’s doing his best for us.
Have spent all evening worrying about Daisy’s ribs.
Friday April 24th
3am
Googled ‘baby ribs’.
All that came up were BBQ rib recipes.
Actually quite fancy some Chinese food now.
9am
SO tired. But promised I’d see Nana Joan, so have made myself Brandi’s ‘wake-up special’ – four spoons of instant coffee blended with milk and a chocolate Boost bar.
1pm
I love my nana! She just refuses to age gracefully. Today, she was doing boxercise with the other old people.
I held punch pads for Nana’s new boyfriend – a kindly-faced man, who Nana boasts has ‘all his own hair and teeth’. He really likes Nana, but she was eyeing up a new resident – a man with his own electric wheelchair.
After boxercise, we helped Nana do her shopping. The care home gives her meals, but they’re a bit too boring.
Loaded her trolley with pepperoni pizza, steak, bacon and alcoholic lemonade.
When we got back to the care home, Nana showed me a ‘cracking dress’ she’d bought me on eBay.
It was fluorescent pink, Lycra and skintight.
I said thanks, but I didn’t really have the figure for that kind of thing anymore.
Nana said, ‘What are you talking about, Jules? I’d kill for your figure. Anyway, this is a body-con dress. These black bits slim you down.’
To demonstrate, she put the dress on and said, ‘Well if you don’t wear it, I will.’
Mum and Nana love their figures, wobbles and all.
I used to be more like that. Before I had Daisy.
Nana and I talked about the wedding flowers, and the fact Nick hasn’t bought them yet.
Nana said, ‘Don’t wait around for a man to buy you flowers. Plant your own frigging garden.’
Saturday April 25th
Took Daisy to ‘Saturday Singing’ at Great Oakley library today.
All the mums sang with gusto, ‘Little Peter Rabbit has a fly upon his nose!’ in perfect Judy Garland voices.
I mumbled along, like when I have to sing hymns at a wedding.
Daisy loved the songs and chewing the cymbals.
ALL the babies Daisy’s age were rolling over. I’m a bit worried. What if something’s wrong?
When we got back to London, I thought I should continue Daisy’s musical education.
I put on ‘Bangin’ Club Anthems’ and did animated rave dancing.
Helen appeared, arms folded, while I was jumping up and down with Daisy and shouting ‘TUUUNE!’
I wish she wouldn’t sneak in like t
hat.
She raised a skinny black eyebrow and said, ‘Age appropriate?’
I told her all music helped with developmental brain stuff.
Helen winced and said I’d teach Daisy to be ‘a terror’ if I wasn’t careful.
Then she dropped an Yves Saint Laurent bag on the sofa, saying she’d bought Nick a new suit.
She looked around the apartment and said, ‘Christ, what a state. Hasn’t Juan been this week?’
I have to admit the place did look a mess.
I’d taken all the cushions off the sofa and made a sort of nest for Daisy. There was mashed-up rice cake all over the floor too.
I wanted to say to Helen, ‘You were a mother once weren’t you?’
But Helen is one of those hideously organised control freak women who lies and says her baby never gave her a moment of trouble.
According to Helen, Nick slept through the night at two months old, ate everything he was supposed to, never cried and ‘appeared to understand concepts far beyond his young years.’
If I didn’t know Nick, I’d imagine him to be a neat-haired child prodigy who bought his mother flowers every week.
Sunday April 26th
Had Sunday lunch with the family today.
Ate it in the pub, because Dad is using the dining table to clean his Lord of the Rings figurines.
Mum asked me what sort of thing she should say in her wedding speech.
She’s already been googling jokes.
I said, ‘Mum. Please don’t make a speech. Let Dad do it. He’ll make a speech straight out of Talking at Christian Occasions.’
Mum snorted, ‘But it’ll send everyone to sleep.’
I said, ‘Look, Mum. If you HAVE to make a speech, please, please don’t say anything bad about Helen.’
She said, ‘But I’ve got all these brilliant jokes about her nose.’
I told her she couldn’t tell any of them. No – none of them at all.
She got all huffy then and asked if Helen was making a speech.
I said Helen hadn’t mentioned it.
Mum said, ‘Well, she’d better not make any jokes about you. That’s my job.’
I said, ‘Don’t be silly, Mum. Helen won’t make a joke. She has absolutely no sense of humour.’
Monday April 27th
2am
Daisy just won’t sleep.
Thank God Nick’s not home – he’d be so stressed by now.
Am going to sleep on the living room sofa and do controlled crying.
Ten minutes at a time, they say. I can manage ten minutes of crying. It’s just ten minutes.
2.05am
God, she sounds REALLY hungry. Maybe she’s having a growth spurt? Or maybe she’s thrown up her milk.
Oh my God, WHAT IF SHE’S THROWN UP AND IS CHOKING?
This level of crying just can’t be normal. There must be something really badly wrong.
I’m going in.
2.25am
The adorable little con artist.
As soon as I opened the door, Daisy was all smiles.
I gave her a cuddle, but she would not go back to sleep so I ended up giving her milk.
3am
She’s awake AGAIN!!! She can’t be hungry now – I only fed her half an hour ago! PLEASE STOP CRYING!
Please God help her sleep.
Please, please, please.
3.10am
Just realised why God lets famines and earthquakes happen. It’s because he’s distracted by millions of mothers begging for their baby to sleep.
3.30am
Gave in and let Daisy have more milk. She fell straight to sleep.
Tuesday April 28th
SOOO tired.
Wednesday April 29th
Alex called round to train, but I told him I really can’t run this marathon.
Daisy woke up four times last night. The last time she just cried and WOULD NOT stop.
I tried feeding her and walking her around. Then I played my Bangin’ Club Hits album because sometimes that calms her down.
It worked. Eventually. But it took a few hours.
In the end, I got three hours sleep. It’s not enough.
I can’t train for a race. I just can’t. I need to plan a wedding and move house and care for a sleepless baby.
I let Alex up to the apartment, expecting a big, angry lecture. But he just looked disappointed – which felt even worse.
He gave me a stoic hug, kissed me on the head and told me to take care. Then he asked if there was anyone around to look after me this evening. I assured him Nick would be home soon.
In the end, Nick didn’t make it back until midnight. He was out ‘comfort drinking’ because he’s realised the ‘Dead Stars on Mars’ movie ‘lacks artistic integrity’.
I mean, for goodness sake! He read the script. How much integrity did he expect in a love triangle between Marilyn Monroe, Elvis and an alien?
Thursday April 30th
Wow – the wedding is REALLY soon now. Barely even a month away.
Nick seems to be getting grumpier the nearer we get to it. I think it’s a money thing, because I’m forcing him to budget.
He likes wasting money on super-duper toys for Daisy, Thai takeaways, beer and Star Wars gadgets. But we can’t do that now we have a wedding and a house deposit to pay for. Plus, Daisy really doesn’t need any more animatronic teddy bears.
Saturday May 2nd
Daisy’s learned to roll over!
Finally! FINALLY!
The only trouble is she hasn’t learned to roll back again.
So she rolls onto her stomach and cries until I put her back. Then she rolls over again.
I preferred it when she just lay on her back. Don’t know what the rush to roll over was, really. Like Mum says, they all do it in their own time.
Monday May 4th
Early May Bank Holiday
Nick is grumpy today because he got yet another rejection.
I’d planned a lovely family day in Hyde Park. Tartan picnic blanket. Baguette. Wheel of brie. Elderflower water …
But Nick is all sad and zombie-like on the sofa.
Thursday May 7th
Anniversary today.
Nick and I have been together five years.
I think Nick forgot, because when I said, ‘happy anniversary’ he went white and rushed off to the supermarket to ‘buy milk’.
When he got back, he gave me an old lady card and a bottle of red wine.
Saturday 9th May
Lovely day!
Afternoon tea with Laura and Brandi at the Bond Street Dalton.
Laura arranged it – I think because she knew Zach would be there.
She looked all glossy and lovely in black jeans, knee-high boots and a blouse.
Brandi wore a sexy secretary outfit – tight black pencil skirt, tight white blouse and lots of gold jewellery and red lipstick.
I tried to tart up my saggy leggings with a Chanel jacket that Helen was throwing out and a big necklace.
The jacket was a snug fit. And the arms were too long. But you know … it’s Chanel.
I asked Laura if she’d seen much of Zach, and she went all red and mumbled that it was early days.
Then I moaned about looking fat in my leggings.
Laura said, ‘You’re not even overweight. Just a tiny bit curvy in all the right places.’
I told her that Nick didn’t think so. And then I started to cry.
Laura and Brandi both put their arms around me and said I was beautiful.
Then Brandi said I should call off the wedding.
She really hates Nick.
I said there was no way in hell I would call off the wedding.
Nick is Daisy’s dad. He proposed, even when everyone said he wouldn’t, and the wedding will be a new start.
Laura said, ‘I’m sure Nick’s just going through a bad patch.’
I went to clean myself up in the loo, but it had one of those toilet attendants.
Do you tip depending on what you’ve done in the toilet?
I’d only been for a wee, but I got all flustered and ended up dropping a fiver on her plate. So she must have definitely thought I’d been for a poo.
When I came back through the lobby, there was Alex Dalton. All tall and handsome, striding across the thick carpet.
He stopped dead when he saw me and said, ‘Juliette. What are you doing here?’
I told him I was having afternoon tea with my sisters.
He said, ‘You should have mentioned it. I could have got you the private sitting room.’
Then he said, ‘Hang on. Laura’s in there, is she? I wondered where Zachary disappeared to. Tell him to get a move on.’
Alex was right. Zach was in the dining room, leaning on the back of Laura’s chair.
Laura and Zach were looking at each other like I look at Daisy.
Brandi was tapping at her phone with long, sparkly fingernails, looking bored.
I told Zach I’d just seen his brother.
Zach said, ‘Christ – I should go. He tears my ears off if I’m late.’
Just as Zach was leaving, a bottle of champagne arrived at the table, ‘compliments of Mr Dalton’.
We all gushed and smiled and thanked Zach.
But Zach said, ‘Not from me. It must be from Alex.’
I looked out at the lobby and Alex was watching me, arms crossed.
I asked Zach why Alex would send us champagne.
Zach said, ‘Why wouldn’t he? Three beautiful ladies. Whose parents run a fabulous pub. Christ – I really should go. He hates me being late.’
After the afternoon tea, I wanted to thank Alex for the champagne and the training.
But he was nowhere around. So I wrote him a thank you letter on the hotel headed paper. Then I heard Alex’s deep voice behind me.
‘If that’s a complaint letter I can give it straight to the manager.’
I said it was a thank you. For the champagne and for taking me out training all those times.
Alex said, ‘A gesture worth five kisses it would seem.’
