by Suzy K Quinn
By mid-afternoon, I got sick of her mooning over her little prince, so I took Daisy to Mum and Dad’s.
When I got there, Mum and Brandi were still in their dressing gowns, drinking Monster Energy cans.
Laura was at the library.
Callum had covered himself in toilet roll and was running around shouting, ‘POO MONSTER! POO MONSTER!’
I asked Mum if it was okay for her to be drinking Monster Energy, what with her diabetes and everything.
She said, ‘What’s wrong with it?’
I told her it was full of sugar and caffeine.
She said, ‘That’s why it tastes nice. Do you want one?’
I said, ‘Yes please.’
Callum got more and more mental as the afternoon went on.
It turns out Brandi had put a bit of Monster Energy in his Incredible Hulk cup.
She said, ‘Who’d have thought he’d be so sensitive? He has Coca-Cola ALL the time and it hardly affects him.’
Hung out at the pub drinking Monster Energy.
Laura came over in the afternoon with a homemade wholemeal banana cake. She’d spent the day studying and baking. Even though she stayed out until 3am too.
I don’t know why she bothers making healthy stuff for Mum. If it doesn’t say ‘Birdseye’, Mum doesn’t want to know.
We started talking about the wedding and Dad got all misty-eyed, saying his wedding was the best day of his life.
Mum said it was her second best – Brandi being born was her best. She apologised for not liking the days Laura and I were born. But apparently painkillers weren’t as good back then.
Was a nice day in the end.
Dad took Daisy out for a bit.
I always feel safe when she’s with him. He’s so sensible. He writes her a schedule and sets an alarm when she needs milk.
Thursday June 11th
Wedding in two days.
VERY excited.
Went to Mum and Dad’s today so Brandi could practise doing my hair.
I ended up looking like Dolly Parton.
Brandi said, ‘But you love Dolly Parton.’
Even Dad, who thinks I look lovely in everything, said, ‘Blimey, you want to be careful. They’ll be naked flames in the church.’
I had a bit of a bridezilla moment and told Brandi I didn’t want to be a foot taller than Nick on my wedding day.
She got a bit grumpy and said she’d ‘have another go’ after she’d had a cigarette.
Dad said, ‘Don’t smoke near Juliette’s hair. It could go up.’
Finally, after a lot more teasing and combing and a picture of Ellie Goulding, we got there and my hair really did look quite nice.
But I think I’ll do my own make-up.
Friday June 12th
One day until the wedding!
So close now – it’s really going to happen!
Can’t quite believe it yet, but I’m sure it’ll hit me when I get to the church.
I didn’t want Nick to see me the night before the wedding, so am staying at the pub.
Laura came over and we all played Monopoly.
It’s hilarious playing games with my family.
Dad and Laura always stick EXACTLY to the rules.
Mum and Brandi always cheat.
I got all teary at one point, saying I’d be getting married and leaving them all behind.
Mum said, ‘What are you talking about? You haven’t even got your own place yet.’
We ended up playing Monopoly, drinking tea and eating custard creams until really late. Too late for Laura to get the train back to London, so she’s staying in our old bedroom – me in the bottom bunk, her in the top. Daisy in the travel cot.
Mum, Dad, Brandi and Callum are down the hall. Just like old times. Nice being a family again. All cosy and warm.
Saturday June 13th
Wedding day.
I can’t write today. I just can’t.
Monday June 15th
Oh diary. Diary, diary, diary. I have never known pain like this.
I will never get over this. Never, ever, ever.
Wednesday June 17th
Laura told me it was sunny today, but who cares?
Spent all day in bed with the curtains drawn.
Daisy cries, smiles and sleeps just like always. Like nothing has changed.
She doesn’t understand our whole world has just been ripped apart.
Thursday June 18th
Stayed in my bedroom with Daisy again today, sobbing.
Mum bought me a McDonald’s breakfast.
She said, ‘Get some food down you and then we’ll go out.’
But the thought of food made me feel sick. And the thought of going out anywhere – even sicker.
Mum told me she’d punch Nick’s lights out if I wanted her to.
I said, ‘What’s the point? It won’t change anything.’
Mum said, ‘It might make you feel better.’
I said, ‘Nothing will make me feel better right now.’
Mum said, ‘You’ll feel better one day love. I promise.’ Then she bounced Daisy on her knee and said, ‘No matter what you’re going through, if you’ve got kids you’ve won the lottery.’
Friday June 19th
Text message from Althea today:
‘The greatest pain brings the greatest growth. The universe is looking down on you and smiling, because it knows this is all part of a greater plan. Life is beautiful and so are you.’
Saturday June 20th
Brandi came storming into my bedroom this morning and ripped the curtains open.
She said, ‘You’ve done enough wallowing. Daisy needs some sunshine. So do you. It’s time to get up and show up. Never give up.’
She forced me to get dressed, then we went out for a walk.
We stuck to places where no one could see my haggard, cried-out face. I never knew I had so many tears in me. They still keep coming.
If I didn’t have Daisy, I don’t know what I’d do. She is my only light right now.
When I moaned to Brandi about having nowhere to live, she said, ‘Don’t be stupid. You’ll live at the pub with Mum, Dad, Callum and me.’
Oh God. A single mum. Living with my parents and my teen-pregnancy sister.
Brandi still has her youth.
I’m old and on the shelf.
I asked Brandi if this happened because I got fat and didn’t wear scarves.
She said, ‘Don’t be stupid. Mum gets fatter every year. And Dad still loves her. And ANYWAY you’re not that fat.’
Which is a pretty big compliment for Brandi.
I said, ‘Why would he do this to me?’
Brandi said, ‘Because he’s an idiot, Jules. An idiot.’
Sunday June 21st
Father’s Day
For some stupid reason, I thought Nick might call today.
Father’s Day and everything.
But no.
I bought him a present months ago (supposedly from Daisy). Solid-silver cufflinks with tiny prints of Daisy’s feet on them.
I gave the cufflinks to Dad, and he got all teary and went on about what an idiot Nick is, and how he loved being a granddad.
I cried too.
Then Dad said, ‘You’re worth ten of him love. You know that, don’t you?’
Wednesday June 24th
Nana Joan came to visit me today.
She’d borrowed her new boyfriend’s mobility scooter. Typical Nana Joan – she turned off the safety switch so it would go over 15 mph and nearly ran over a dog.
I told Nana off for coming all that way on her own, but she said, ‘Nothing’s more important than my Julesy right now.’
She took my hand in her gold-ringed fingers and said, ‘I reckon I gave Nick a black eye on your wedding day. Maybe worse.’
Apparently, she’d attacked Nick and Helen with her crutches after I left the church. It had taken two people to restrain her.
Realise I haven’t even written about my wedding day.
God – I’m SUCH a mess.
Friday June 26th
Okay.
My wedding day.
Here goes.
Mum made us sausage sandwiches for breakfast in the morning (probably the last decent meal I’ve eaten, now I come to think of it).
I let Brandi do my hair.
Laura stood over her (No Brandi! Don’t backcomb it. PUT THE HAIRSPRAY DOWN!), and it came out like we’d planned.
Laura sent Brandi to the corner shop for cans of Red Bull, and then we quickly did my make-up all nice and natural.
I put the wedding dress on … I mean, it never made me feel ‘wow’ or anything. But it was pretty. A little bit of a tent, but pretty.
Mum kept making me drink Red Bull for my nerves. But I didn’t feel nervous. I didn’t feel anything. Just sort of flat.
I kept telling Daisy, ‘It’s my wedding day. My WEDDING day. Me and Daddy are getting married.’
But nothing.
Even in the black Mercedes (Helen insisted on that car – I wanted to go in Brandi’s pink Kia) I didn’t feel anything.
I was squashed in there with my bridesmaids (except Althea – there wasn’t room for her and Wolfgang) thinking, ‘This is it. I really am getting married.’
But it still didn’t feel real.
Sadie kept fidgeting and saying she felt sick. Which was just typical Sadie – she hates the attention being on anyone else.
We were a bit late getting to the church.
I didn’t feel worried or anything. Just … excited. Ready to get the job done.
Laura and Brandi helped me fluff out my wedding dress, and Sadie paced around with her hand on her stomach.
Then Sadie grabbed my hand and said, ‘Jules. I need to talk to you. RIGHT NOW.’
I said, ‘Sadie, are you okay?’
She said, ‘I NEED TO TALK TO YOU!’
It was all so weird.
I said, ‘Look – let’s get the wedding out of the way. Okay?’
Sadie did this sort of big gulp and said, ‘You shouldn’t marry Nick.’
I went a bit bridezilla then. I think it was all the Red Bull.
I said, ‘Sadie, I know you hate Nick. But he’s Daisy’s dad and I love him and WE’RE GETTING MARRIED. Now get out of the way.’
I started walking down the aisle and I saw Nick ahead.
He turned around and I thought, ‘Wow, he looks really hung over.’
He was sweating. Proper, proper sweating, on his forehead and down the front of his shirt.
But he wasn’t looking at me. He was looking at Sadie.
I carried on walking, sort of on automatic pilot. I even think I might have been smiling.
Everyone in the church had weird looks on their faces. Maybe they’d heard Sadie saying she needed to talk to me. Or maybe they all knew what was going on.
When I got to Nick he smiled. But it was a scared smile. And he kept glancing at Sadie.
I could see Helen in the front row – huge navy hat on – sort of glaring and smiling at the same time.
The vicar cleared his throat and said some stuff I can’t remember.
I kept thinking, What’s going on? Nick looks weird. He keeps looking at Sadie …
Then the vicar said the part about, ‘Any persons here present have any lawful reason why these two shouldn’t be joined in matrimony …’
And Sadie said, ‘SHE SHOULDN’T MARRY HIM AND IF HE WON’T TELL HER WHY THEN I WILL!’
Nick looked really scared and sort of muttered to Sadie, ‘Let’s not do this now.’
Sadie said, ‘Nick. She needs to know about us.’
She didn’t need to say anything else.
I knew then. I just knew.
Sadie and Nick … Sadie and Nick …
They’re better actors than I realised.
I felt like I was going to pass out. The big tent dress felt so tight all of a sudden. I couldn’t breathe.
All I could see were disappointed faces – people I knew. People I didn’t. People who loved me. All of us together in this horrible car crash. And Daisy with Mum … wearing a little flower girl dress.
I seriously thought I was going to have a heart attack or pass out or something.
I grabbed Daisy and ran down the aisle.
Then I sat in the wedding car, holding onto Daisy for dear life while she chewed the silk on my wedding dress.
Dad got in beside me, put his arm around me and told the driver to take us back to the pub.
Then I sat in my dark bedroom, watching Daisy sleep and thinking, ‘Her life is ruined.’
Wednesday July 1st
Nick still hasn’t called or texted. He hasn’t seen Daisy since the wedding.
It’s not like I want to speak to him. I never want to see him again. But I want him to try to get in touch. And I know he must be desperate to see Daisy.
Althea said it’s always the betrayal that hurts the most. But it’s not the betrayal. It’s the fact I didn’t have a clue. And I really should have done …
Friday July 3rd
Still no call from Nick.
Maybe he’s gone into his actor’s wallowing pit and thinks everyone hates him (we do) and that he wouldn’t be welcome if he called round (he wouldn’t).
But he should see Daisy. He’s her dad, after all.
Saturday July 4th
American Independence Day
Mum’s done the pub out in American flags and bunting.
She’s also made a red, white and blue meringue. It’s so big it fits a sparkler for every US state.
It pulled me out of my gloom a little bit, hearing Mum whistling American Pie.
I washed my face, dabbed some cover-up around my tired eyes and did a Skype link-up with Uncle Ralph in Los Angeles.
Uncle Ralph, Aunty Yasmin and little cousin Lolly were in their giant, sunny house waving American flags.
Uncle Ralph has done well for himself in the US. He’s got a big house on the beach, a blonde lingerie model wife and one of those American fridge freezers that make ice cubes.
Thought I was holding it together pretty well.
Then Uncle Ralph, who’s always pretty blunt, said I should sell the wedding dress quick and try to make some cash back.
I burst into stupid tears and ran out of the room.
Sunday July 5th
Told Althea I was thinking of calling Nick.
I’ve never heard so many swear words in one sentence.
After Althea had calmed down, she said, ‘Don’t start feeling sorry for him. He’s a cock head. You’re too nice. Why hasn’t he called you for fuck’s sake?’
She’s right.
Totally, completely right.
She said, ‘When life gives you lemons, put a slice in your Coca-Cola. Then add some rum.’
Monday July 6h
Cracked and called Nick today.
I suppose I just wanted to get some clarity. Some answers.
For a horrible moment I thought he wasn’t going to pick up. That would have been the ultimate humiliation. But he did. On the tenth ring.
He sounded gravelly and tired.
I told him he should arrange to see his daughter.
He said, ‘Yeah, I know, I know. I miss her so much. I just didn’t want to make anything worse.’
I said things couldn’t get any worse. Then I asked if there was anything else he wanted to say.
He said he hoped there were no bad feelings.
Like we’d had a row over the electricity bill or something.
I told him there was nothing but bad feelings. And that he was a disgusting human being who’d ruined Daisy’s life.
In a village as small as Great Oakley, everyone will know that Daddy slept with Mummy’s bridesmaid.
Nick said, ‘You’re staying in Oakley then?’
I said I’d be at the Oakley Arms until I’d sorted things out.
He said, ‘When will you and Daisy next be in London? I really miss her.’
I told him I didn’t know.
There was a silence. Then Nick said, ‘Sorry about all this, Jules. Sadie and I – we just fit. You know how I am. I just go with my heart.’
I didn’t think he could hurt me any more.
Bastard.
Bastard, bastard, bastard.
I shouted a load of abuse at him, hung up, then thumped the phone on the pillow.
Tuesday July 7th
Still too embarrassed to go out in the village.
I’ve been hiding at the pub, stuffing my face with comfort food. It’s not difficult. The fridge is full of cheesecake, dips, sausage rolls, pork pies and Coca-Cola.
I’m going to be as big as Mum soon, but I couldn’t care less.
Wednesday July 8th
What a mess my life is.
Dad asked me today if I’d thought about the legal side of things.
I hadn’t.
But I suppose I should.
Like Dad says, I should make sure I get custody of Daisy. And make Nick pay maintenance. I doubt Nick will give us much though. Unless he borrows money from Helen.
Thursday July 9th
I can’t get what Nick said out of my head.
‘I just go with my heart.’
Does he love her? I mean, what else could that mean?
All I can think about today is Nick and Sadie.
Some crazy part of me wants to know all the details. How many times did they do it? When? Where? Does he love her? Does she love him? How long has it been going on?
Althea has turned spy for me because she’s friends with Sadie’s gay make-up friend, Rylan.
Apparently, Sadie and Nick have been seen together loads of times around Soho.
Ugh. To be so brazen about it … they must have so little respect for me.
Sadie told Rylan that she and Nick had sex at her apartment because Nick’s mother was always dropping in at his place. No mention that the mother of his child was there too.
How could she do this to me? After everything I’ve done for her.
Althea says she’ll try and find out more. But she warned me I might not want to know.
I told Althea what Nick has said.
Sorry about all this Jules. I just go with my heart.
She exploded and said he was always a thoughtless, tactless bastard.
