by Pamela Ann
“So, you want me, huh?” I smiled through my pain.
Kyle was always teasing and so light-hearted that it was difficult not to adore him.
“You know I want you a great deal, Cara. We click, and let’s just say the sex is a fucking good bonus, too. What more can a man need?” He was straightforward with his intentions, blatant and impenitent.
“So, you’re basically waiting to see what will happen so you can sweep in and take me for yourself, is that it?”
He chortled on the other end of the line. “Like I said, I want you. If things are really over between you two, then I’m more than happy to step in and take you for myself.”
“Because the sex is good?” I pressed, grinning from ear-to-ear.
“That and because you’re so fucking scrumptious. What man wouldn’t want you, Cara? I’d have to be blind or gay not to fucking desire you. Above all, you’re funny and sweet, and you have a good head on your shoulders. What more do you want to hear?”
There was never a doubt how Kyle loved the sex. The man was quite something else in the sheets. However, he was right; I had to fix whatever was ailing me with River or I wouldn’t be able to fully move on. We hadn’t had closure the first time, so I should have the decency not to let us both suffer the second time. I was done being spiteful.
“Gah, you’ve bombarded me with too much, and I haven’t had coffee yet.”
“Get out of bed, fix yourself a cup of joe, and get things rolling. I’ll see you soon. Whatever you decide, we’re good either way.”
Kyle was a sweetheart. I was sure he and I would get on even if River was in or out of the picture. We had that kind of chemistry—easy going, no fuss, no hurt feelings.
Since I had vowed to stop being so spiteful, I swallowed my colossal pride and dialed River’s number.
It rang … and rang … and after the fifth ring, I was about to hang up when I heard him say hello. He sounded sleepy, like I had woken him up. Was he in bed with Hailey?
Bile rose from my throat before I swallowed it back down, telling myself to get a fucking grip and focus on the task at hand—which was to extend an olive branch.
“Hey, it’s me. I was wondering, um … if we can talk,” I babbled fretfully as I silently cursed myself for sounding so nervous. What was wrong with me?
There was a pause on his end before I heard him groan and shift from his position in bed. “Yeah, what’s up?”
“No, I meant face to face. Can I come over to your place? If that’s okay with you?” Did I sound a little desperate there? Shoot. Despite it all, I had to speak to him. I couldn’t go another day with this deep-seated loathing in my soul. It was crippling me. I wasn’t sure if I could properly function any longer.
“Yeah, I’m home now. You can come whenever you want.” He paused before adding, “You’re okay, right? Nothing bad happened?” There was no mistaking the worry in his tone. It gave me hope that he and I could resolve this in an amicable manner.
“No, I’m fine. I’ll go get ready. I should be over there in a bit. See you then,” I rushed out before cutting the call short.
Never in my life had I been this panicky, not even my first time filming Clover. If I focused on my nerves, I wouldn’t be able to move an inch, so I tried to suppress my erratic, anxious thoughts and fixate on the task of getting ready and driving to River’s apartment without crashing.
Dressed in denim skirt, plain white blouse, and a pair of nude booties, I rushed out of my apartment with barely any makeup on. It was unnecessary since the man had seen me through my epic makeover fails through my teenage years. Like that one time during prom when my false lashes came off, and he had to help me fix them since the bathroom line was too long.
River was that kind of boyfriend, always there, even if he wasn’t needed. He had loved me like no other, so we owed it to each other to at least be decently civilized with each other.
The second I arrived at his building, I immediately found parking and haphazardly got out of my car. While I strode toward the entrance of his place, I verbally rehearsed what I was about to say when he opened the door.
The concierge kindly greeted me, and after checking I was on the guest list, he gave me the green signal to head toward the elevator. My palms sweaty, my cheeks rosy, and my heart climbing Mount Everest, I felt faint and more alive than ever. All those days spent rolling about my bed seemed like a distant past.
My thoughts halted when the elevator stopped and delivered me to the top floor. Upon stepping out of the lift, I drew a lengthy breath before rubbing my palms on the roughened texture of my denim.
Slowly and gradually, I paced toward his front door while sending a little prayer above, hoping this confrontation would be cordial.
Braving it out, I licked my lips before pressing on the buzzer.
One … Two … Three … Four … Five …
“Cara,” he greeted as the door opened, welcoming me in, wearing a black wife beater and loose, black sweat pants. He looked pale, paler than I had ever seen him. What was wrong with him?
My brows furrowed as I recalled Kells telling me that he had somehow became the best of buds with liquor and maybe some drugs. Hopefully the latter wasn’t true.
Bounded with nerves, I smiled as I entered his home. My eyes instantly made a speedy scan of the area, wondering if I could spot anything that would indicate Hailey was here or had been here. What I found was a chaotic mess of empty alcohol bottles, red plastic cups, food wrappers, a massive stack of pizza boxes, and a whole lot of garbage as far as my eyes could see.
“What happened to your housekeeper?” Did she quit? By the looks of this place, the poor woman hadn’t been around here in days.
In his pall complexion, he seemed a little embarrassed. “I told her to drop by next week. I haven’t felt like dealing with a lot of people lately.”
His words made me step closer to him, really eyeing him. Something was off; I could tell.
“Are you okay?” I asked timidly, not wanting to overstep my welcome.
“I just don’t feel good. I haven’t had a meal in forty-eight hours. Guess getting drunk didn’t help all that much.”
Jesus. The man needed red meat and stat.
“I came by to talk, but I wouldn’t mind going out to grab you some food. You need something in your stomach to function properly.” My appetite had taken a nosedive, but I still managed to shove as much frozen yoghurt into my mouth whenever possible.
He opened his mouth, looking confused, before shutting it again. “I’ll be okay, Cara …” He gazed at me for a second before looking away. It seemed that looking at me was becoming a hardship. “Let’s head over to the couch. Maybe that’ll be more comfortable than standing here.”
Nodding meekly, I followed his lead. This entire process seemed too formal and so unlike us, which made it more nerve-racking and daunting.
“What did you want to talk about?” he asked softly as he took the couch next to me, facing me with such serious intensity that it left me feeling a little heady.
Nervously licking my lips, I stared at the coffee table before dragging my eyes back to his. The moment it connected, I forgot what I had to say.
“Last night …” I cleared my throat. “I hope you didn’t take it personally. I really wanted to be there—oh by the way, congratulations. You’re made for this. Music is your life. This is such an amazing time for you, and I hope you know how happy and proud I am to see you accomplish all your dreams. I really am proud.”
His frown deepened. “Why weren’t you there?” he asked in a soft-leveled voice, unnerving me.
“I was there, but I left before you began.” My brows began to sweat. Why was he a little hostile? I understood that he might be displeased, but I came here to apologize, didn’t I? Surely that counted for something.
Out of nowhere, River rapidly stood up like he needed distance from me. He strode toward the deck before retracing his steps back inside. He stood about fifteen feet away with an a
ccusing look on his face. “And why did you leave? Did you have any idea how it felt waiting for you? In my mind, I knew it was stupid to hope, because all we do is fight lately. But for fuck’s sakes … you knew how much this meant to me … And I hoped, you know, that we could put our differences aside to support each other. I almost pushed back the set, believing you might just be running late. I wanted you there—where it counted most.”
I knew supporting him went beyond our vicious fights. We had each other’s back, no matter the cost. This was one of them, and I had let him down. I couldn’t have stayed, though, yet I tried. I truly did.
“She was there. It was just all too much too soon.” Baring my soul made me feel a bit better, but not enough. “I’m sorry, River.”
He sighed. “I really wanted you there,” he stated sadly again.
What could I do? It had already happened. Next time, when he needed my support, I swore on everything that was holy, I wouldn’t miss it for the world. And if Hailey happened to be there, then I would just have to wear my big girl panties and bear it.
River had been there with me in the lowest points of my life; I couldn’t do it to him again. I owed him that much.
“I won’t miss anymore. I’ll be there for your album release, your first concert, and all that jazz. I swear to you, I’ll be there. I know you’re probably mad, and I’m sorry. I should’ve known that this meant a great deal.”
“You don’t have to make those promises. I know you hate me, Cara.”
“I’ll be there. I don’t make promises if I don’t mean it. You know that,” I argued back before my eyes dropped to the coffee table and stared at the contents laid out before me.
Soft crystal white powder and his AMEX card.
“River?” I asked shakily before glancing at him. How long had this gone on?
“It’s nothing.” He shrugged the subject away like it wasn’t a big deal.
Well, it was a huge deal to me, and his total nonchalance grated me to no end. My God, I didn’t know this man. The old River would never even fathom touching such toxicity.
“It’s not nothing! How long have you been doing this?” I had to refrain the urge to slap him silly.
“Not that long … It began the night I heard you scream his name.” If he seemed beyond pale before, now he looked almost lifeless.
His response befuddled me. I understood his anger and where he was coming from, but cocaine? That kind of bullshit would get him into more trouble.
“That’s ludicrous. You have to stop this! This is going to kill you.”
“You sound concerned.”
Was he mocking me?
“The fuck I am! What’s gotten into you!” Rage filled me as I spat at him, wanting to smack some sense into him.
“Is this why you’re here? To lecture me how to live my life?” He shut his eyes, seeming to run out of patience.
This wasn’t the route for him. Not drugs. It could never be the answer when one was in pain. The repercussions were too high; the stake irreplaceable.
“River, please. Mattie taught us better.”
His nose flared, eyes igniting a new flame of anger. “You bring Mattie up like you still care. You abandoned the very people who cared and loved you. You haven’t seen her since you left. She’s barely two hours away, and you can’t even bring yourself to see her. Honestly, Cara, you’ve become this uncaring, heartless woman! You don’t care about anyone but yourself, so spare me the lecture. You’re not in better shape to judge me.”
His speech hit close to home. I became this way because I had been hurt beyond repair. Still, I cared about his wellbeing.
“I am what I am. I’m not going to apologize for it.”
“Good to know. I guess we’re done here. You know your way out, Cara.” Closing his eyes, he began to massage his temples.
I wasn’t going to let him eject me out of the house just because he didn’t like me prodding into his drug problem.
“River—”
He let out an impertinent groan. “My head hurts, and quite frankly, getting screamed at isn’t helping. Please, Cara, I just can’t keep bickering with you.”
I wasn’t going to let up. If this drug problem was a serious addiction, I was going to help him get through it. I might hate him from time to time, but that didn’t mean I was going to abandon him. No, I would be his rock, even if he wished me gone.
“It’s her, isn’t it? The one who got you hooked on this bullshit?”
River remained mum, avoiding my condemning gaze. He was becoming overprotective of her now, too? Well, that didn’t sit well with me. He could ruin his life in other ways if he so wished it, but drugs?
His parents both died from overdosing. So, for him to spiral into the very same pattern was unacceptable to me.
Armed with enough ammunition to argue with him until kingdom come, I purposely marched toward where he stood before cupping his chin so he couldn’t avoid my scathing eyes.
I was just about to give him hell when I felt the shocking temperature of his skin. He was scorching hot. No wonder the man was pale.
“You’re sick. How long have you had fever? Jesus, sit down while I get you medicine.”
“I’m fine,” he grumbled, but didn’t resist when I led him toward the couch so he could recline.
Should I call for an ambulance? Noting his pallor, I was becoming nervous, hoping it wasn’t as serious as pneumonia.
“Where’s your medicine cabinet?” I asked while my mind buzzed with ideas with what to do next.
He shook his head. “It’s empty.”
I took a sharp breath. “What do you do when you’re sick, then?”
“Nothing,” he replied as if it should leave me unbothered.
Why was he so reckless with his body? The drugs, and now he didn’t even bother if his temperature was beyond abnormal.
“What do you mean by nothing?” Glaring at him, I tried not to seem too alarmed.
“I always had you before … But after you left, I just didn’t care anymore.”
“God, you can be so dumb sometimes!” Disconcerted, I knew it wouldn’t be wise to leave him while his fever was climbing. Men, I could never understand why they threw caution to the wind when it came to their health. “I’m calling an ambulance.”
“Don’t you dare. I won’t speak to you if you do that. Promise me.” He almost jolted to his feet, but had a dizzying spell so he fell back down.
“I promise.” Why did I just say that? Damn, I have to exhaust all options before resorting to hospital. He wasn’t critical, was he? Well, for one, the man was conversing with me, so that was a good sign.
Okay, think, brain, think! My mind zoned in to the only person who could help me.
“I need your help, like, right now,” I apprehensively asked Anton after dialing his number. “Can you get medications for me?” I gave him the rundown, and that I was at River’s condo.
Frantically going toward the kitchen, I almost said hallelujah when I found a Ziploc baggie before filling it with ice then scrambling back into the living room.
In the small span of time I left him, River had cushioned his head on the pillow and seemed to have fallen asleep. I was torn between waking him up and letting him rest. But worry won out. If I didn’t get his temperature down, I would most likely have to call the ambulance and our so-called relationship would cease, or whatever was left of it.
Touching his forehead with the back of my hand, I cursed myself. I had become too caught up in my own feelings that I didn’t notice how sick he was.
“I have an icepack,” I murmured softly, hoping to reassure him. “It’s going to be really cold, but give it a minute or so, you’ll get used to it.”
“Thank you,” he responded with a wince as the makeshift icepack touched his skin.
“Don’t fall asleep yet. Anton’s on his way over to bring some meds … so just hang in there.” Guilt ate at me. I couldn’t stand seeing him in such as state. A major part of me thou
ght he was heading into a dark path, one that he wouldn’t be able to get out of if I left him be.
“You don’t have to do this, you know. Don’t feel sorry for me. I’ll be okay,” he whispered.
I wanted to take care of him, but it seemed that he wasn’t comfortable in letting me nurse him.
“I’ll leave once you’ve taken your medication.”
His phone rang in his pocket, breaking the awkwardness between us.
“Do you want me to check that?” I offered, knowing he was too out of it to move.
“Could you?”
Doing the utmost effort not to touch him, it took forever to maneuver the phone out of his pocket. And when I did, I wished I had let it go straight to voicemail.
“It’s your girlfriend.” Yeah, it was difficult not to say that without sarcasm.
“Don’t sound like that, or I might accuse you of jealousy,” he muttered under his breath.
Though his eyes were closed, I felt him sensing me, picking up on my emotions, which was beyond bewildering.
I kept my mouth shut and instead of wondering if he was ever going to pick up his girlfriend’s call, I stood up and busied myself with cleaning the litter around me, starting with the blasted white powder that irked me to no end. Every speck of it went to the sink.
“You just couldn’t resist throwing that out, huh?” he grumbled in the background, but didn’t sound angry.
Striding back to the living room, I harrumphed with both hands planted on my hips. “You know better than to waste yourself in this. I’m so pissed that you did. What happened to the vow you took about never touching drugs?”
River gradually opened his eyes, gazing at me with a deadpan look. “I could ask the same of you. You seemed to abandon yours, too.”
He totally caught me off guard. How was I supposed to rebut that?
We grew apart. I was gutted, too. How did he expect me to stay in a relationship that was one-sided?
Throwing him a pleading look, I ached at the sight of him boring those pained eyes. “That was different, River.”
“It’s not.”
