I shoved my book into my backpack and avoided Tess’s eyes. Liam took his backpack, slung it over his shoulder, and waited at the door. Everyone was focused on their work. Mr. Petrini went back to his computer. But I still felt as if everyone was watching me walk toward Liam. As if I needed dramatic background music.
I mean, I knew I had been watching Liam, but this? This was not in the plan.
Liam grinned when I reached him and held the door open for me.
When the door closed and it was just us and a long, empty hallway, he said, “Mallory. That’s a pretty name.”
“Thanks.”
It was quiet for a moment.
I knew I should ask a question. Why wouldn’t my brain work?
“So, am I your good deed for the day?” he asked.
“Do you think this counts?”
“Absolutely.” He smiled. “All I know about you is that you’re a cheerleader, right? I saw you at the pep rally last week.”
He noticed me. That was interesting. “Yep. I’m a cheerleader. That’s about it.”
“I doubt that’s all there is to know about you.”
“Maybe. Maybe not. But we’ve only got five more minutes before you’re safely delivered to the testing room. Why do you have to go, anyway?”
“It’s something with my records. They have to sort out my credits so I can graduate on time, and that means I have to take another placement test.”
“Sounds fun.” I found myself smiling back at him. It was easier than I thought it would be. Talking to him. I had imagined it. But I usually imagined it as a disaster.
I led him out a back door so that we could cross the field to the Tech Center.
“Wow. Wish we could have class out here today.”
I didn’t know what to say to that so I waited, and sure enough, he jumped back in. He was a lot better at this than I was. “Tell me something about yourself besides cheerleading.”
I looked at the ground. That should be an easy question. A really easy one. But my thoughts flitted to everything I didn’t want to say. We got all the way to the testing-room door and still I had nothing.
Liam leaned against the wall and shoved his hands into his pockets. He was taller than me by maybe four inches. He looked like he’d be willing to wait forever.
“Maybe next time,” I said. “You should go.”
Liam gave me a look I couldn’t read, then opened the door. “Promise?”
“Sure.”
He went inside, and I let out a breath I didn’t even know I had been holding.
I hurried back toward school, toward Tess, feeling disoriented. What just happened? On the surface it looked so simple and basic. But I knew it wasn’t. It was like something—I wasn’t sure what yet—had opened before me.
The question was, What was I going to do about it?
I found Tess already eating in the cafeteria. I passed through the salad line and went to sit with her.
“What was that?” she asked.
“What was what?”
“The new dude. Since when are you Miss Volunteerism?”
“Just doing my good deed for the day.” I shoved food into my mouth, enjoying the fact that I had shocked Tess.
That wasn’t an easy thing to do.
Darby was sitting at the kitchen table when I got home, her college textbooks scattered around and her laptop casting a bluish glow on her face.
I flipped on the kitchen light, making her squint.
“You’ll ruin your eyes!” I said in my best Mom impersonation.
Darby rolled hers in response. “I didn’t realize it had gotten so dark in here.”
I yanked open the fridge and rummaged around until I found a drinkable yogurt. I peeled back the lid and sat down at the table.
“What’cha doin’?” I asked.
Darby stared at the computer as her finger moved on the mouse pad. “I’m just stuck. It’s an essay for English.”
“Ohhh.” I drank the rest of my yogurt. “Have you been sitting here all day?”
Darby looked at the clock above the back door and smirked. “I guess I have.” She stretched her arms and closed the laptop. “Maybe a break would be good. Want to go for a walk?”
I glanced at the clock. I had exactly an hour before Tess would be in the driveway to pick me up for the game. I wanted to go upstairs and have time to figure everything out. But Mom’s guilt-laden voice in my head was too loud to ignore.
“Sure. Not too far, though. Let me go tell Dad I’m home.”
She closed down her laptop and then gave me a smile.
I went to the basement and found Dad already packing up his stuff.
“Your mom said she’d be back before you have to leave for the game. I’ve got to get out of here. I’m late for an appointment.”
“I’m sorry. I got back as quick as I could.”
He kissed me on the head. “No problem. I don’t think she ate dinner yet. Your mom will ask.”
We came back upstairs, and after a quick good-bye to Darby, he left.
I followed Darby out through the back doorway and through the gate. She picked the trail today. The trail meant that she was in a melancholy mood and didn’t really want to run into neighbors or have to smile at people walking their dogs.
We made our way through the woods until we got to the trail. The leaves were just starting to change. I watched Darby as she looked around and took it all in. I wondered, as I always did, what she was really thinking. I wasn’t allowed to ask. With Darby, there were so many rules. What I could say, what I couldn’t say—all from Mom and all under the guise of Darby’s therapy. Like I could make or break Darby’s recovery with every word I said. It was easier just to not say much of anything.
When we turned around to head back home, Darby broke her silence.
“Sorry. I’m not feeling very chatty today.” She stepped over a small log and smiled back at me.
“That’s okay. Me neither.”
“How’s school?”
“Fine.”
“Cheerleading?”
“Fine.”
“You’re going to give me the standard answers, huh?”
I shrugged. Even though Darby was older than me and there were small signs that she was getting better, I still had to feel my way through every conversation, always keep up the smile.
She didn’t ask anything else, and by the time we reached home, I was nervous about being ready in time. After Darby was settled back in front of the computer, I took a quick shower and then went to my room to change.
Todd was everywhere I looked. The room was covered with pictures of Todd, and Todd and me.
I walked over to my dresser and picked up the beach one, cheek to cheek (not an easy thing to do with Photoshop btw) with happy smiles on our faces. I felt… sad. I opened my little moleskin notebook where I tucked away the Twelve Step program and looked at the steps again. That stupid Step 5. How would I ever be able to confess my pathetic lies to another person?
Todd wasn’t exactly an alcohol addiction, but my life had certainly become unmanageable, and I definitely needed help. I could admit that. But did taking back my life really mean I had to tell everyone the truth about Todd?
Nah. I just needed to be free of him. Why confess when we could just break up?
So even though I was already running late, I opened my closet and pulled out an empty plastic container and set it on my desk. I told myself I had to get rid of him—for real this time. And that meant total deletion.
Making up Todd wasn’t premeditated. It was like one of those little white lies that you throw out there, but it sticks with you for so long that it grows legs and starts running your life. For all the help Todd gave me, he was a constant reminder that I was a total fake.
Before, there had always been just the four of us: Tess, Yvie, Sophie, and me. We were only freshmen when Yvie told us at a sleepover one night that she had slept with her boyfriend, Mark. We were stunned. Yvie said that getting it o
ver with would make high school less stressful. I don’t think any of us actually believed her; but as time passed, Sophie and then even Tess had come back with tales of their journeys out of virginity, leaving just me. Yes, there was pressure. I’d only gone on a handful of dates, but I’d still get the “Did you do it?” stare from at least one of them. I felt as if I had been left behind in some way.
Then last Christmas when things had gone nuts with Darby and I couldn’t tell anyone what was happening, I’d made up a story about how my grandmother was sick and we had to keep going out of town to see her. When that raised questions, I’d made up Todd, who conveniently lived next door to my grandmother. And since none of my friends would ever know that I hadn’t slept with him, I’d just gone back and told them I had.
Pretending I had done it seemed way easier than admitting that I didn’t want to have sex. Which I didn’t. Maybe I had watched too many Disney movies growing up, or maybe it was because of everything Darby went through, but I kind of wanted the whole fairy-tale romance—not some quickie, get-it-over-with thing that I had to hold my breath and get through.
Inventing Todd hadn’t been all that hard. Working with my dad had made me a whiz at Photoshop. One fake online profile and some great pictures were all it took. Nobody asked too many questions, and I no longer felt like some outcast. Ironically, it did take off a lot of pressure.
But then I couldn’t seem to get rid of him.
I tried. I really did. But every time I would break up with fake Todd, I would start getting crazy nervous about the whole dating scene. With my mom and Darby, I didn’t have much freedom to go anywhere besides cheerleading, anyway. Then there was the fact that a real guy could assume I’d sleep with him, too. It felt as if the whole school was more experienced than I was. And real relationships seemed full of all sorts of drama that I couldn’t afford. Todd was easier; he was completely controllable.
I picked up the beach picture and put it in the box and then worked my way around the room, quickly untaping each and every picture of Todd and stacking them all in the box. There was an impressive amount of pictures. I stared at the pile for a while. I had broken up with Todd before, but I never went this far, putting our pretend world away in a box. It was a big step.
I reached behind the mirror and slid out the notebook that was wedged behind a support bar. The Todd notebook. Every part of Todd’s life was documented in here. Where he was born, the names of his family members, trips he’d been on, and even all of his identifying characteristics. He’s got a cute little mole on his right jawline. I smiled, flipping through the book, remembering….
I shook my head. Stop it! Enough with the delusion already. I slapped the notebook closed and then slid it underneath all the pictures at the bottom of the box and snapped on the lid. For extra measure I took a roll of masking tape and wound it around the box over and over. I tore off the end of the masking tape and patted it down. That oughta do it.
Todd was gone.
Dead, gone, and buried.
Tess honked a second time before I made it out to the car and slumped into the passenger seat. She held out her phone to me.
“I find out on the Internet?”
“Oh. That.”
“Yes, that. I should not be finding out at the same exact time as the rest of the world.”
“Sorry.”
Tess backed out of the driveway. “Spill it.”
Another opportunity to confess handed to me.
“He said he needed space.”
And another opportunity missed.
“Space? Like a three-hour drive isn’t enough space? Whatever. He’s dead weight, Mal.”
“It’s probably for the best, right?”
“Duh. I’ve been saying that the whole time. This doesn’t have anything to do with Liam, does it?”
“Liam?” I kept the smile from spreading across my face at his name, but Tess didn’t need confirmation.
“It’s about time. Is he coming to the game?”
“No idea.”
“Liam does have one glaring character flaw.”
“What?”
“His association with Alex Yeager. Of course, that also means he’ll be at the party tonight.”
“A party?” These after-game parties were a regular part of football season, even on school nights; but it would mean a call to my mom and—
“Mal. You’re free. I think that’s cause for serious celebration. What’s wrong? Cheerleaders are supposed to be happy. You’re not going to be all moody tonight, are you?”
“I just had a breakup. Let me mourn.”
“No. No mourning allowed. And don’t even think about getting back together with him.”
“I’m not.” I held up my hands as if I were being arrested or something.
“Yes, you are. I can see it in your weepy eyes.”
“My eyes are not weepy.” I shrugged one shoulder. “It’s just…”
“I knew it! Mallory. We’re juniors. You can’t waste the best years of your life with some long-distance guy who doesn’t even have the time to visit.”
“The best years of my life?”
“Whatever. I know you’re sad and wah-wah-wah and all of that, but this is, like, the greatest news ever.”
Tess’s cell rang and she answered it, giving me a moment to catch my breath. I congratulated myself on not spilling the depth of my crush on Liam. It was way too early to let Tess in on that one. I needed to get through the fake grieving process first. Besides, Tess would throw herself into planning and plotting a myriad of ways to “Get Mallory and Liam in the same space.” Too soon for that much attention. But if Liam happened to be at the party, maybe another casual conversation could keep things going in the right direction.
“Fine. Fine. FINE!” Tess snapped her phone shut and squeezed the steering wheel.
“Tess?”
She bit her lip.
“Your mom?”
“Always,” she said.
“You can stay at my house tonight.” I silently hoped that things would be quiet and normal at my house.
Tess nodded, staring ahead. I watched her, knowing that by the time we got to school, Tess would be back and the phone conversation would be forgotten, at least for the game and the party. I twisted the small ring on my right hand upside down so that the green stone was underneath. Tess and I bought the matching rings years ago. It would help me remember to check in with her later that night, when no one else was around. It would be the only time I’d get her to talk about it, anyway.
True to form, when we pulled into the parking lot, Tess bounced out of the Jeep and unzipped the back for our bags.
She grinned. “You ready?”
“Ready.”
CHAPTER 3
The trouble with lying is that once you start, you have to lie all the time. You tell lies to cover up your lies. And even if I wanted to, I couldn’t quit lying completely because there were questions to be answered.
From Yvie: “Are you really broken up or are you guys just fighting?”
“Nope. For real this time. It’s over,” I told her.
From Sophie: “But you said he was coming to homecoming this year!”
Yeah, that was the other major problem solved by the breakup. Adorable Liam might have given me the gumption to get rid of Todd, but the looming “I swear on my iMac” promise I’d made to bring Todd to homecoming this year was a nice incentive.
Tess had my back, though, as always. “The name Todd is off-limits.” Tess drew her hand across her throat. “No more.” She linked her arm with mine to head to the locker room, waving good-bye to Yvie and Sophie, neither of whom could ever be convinced to join us on the squad.
Tess squeezed my arm. “It’s going to be a great year for you.”
I squeezed back. And hoped she was right.
We cheered and danced underneath the glaring lights on the field, trying to whip the crowd into a frenzy. We were winning the game, barely, and I was having more fun
than I’d ever thought possible. I was free. A fresh start was exactly what I needed. During a time-out, I walked to the fence line, where our bags and pom-poms made a purple-and-white line. I grabbed my water bottle and squirted some water into my mouth.
Then I stood up and came face-to-face with Liam. Alex was there, too, but he was just a fuzzy outline on the periphery.
“Hey, Mallory,” Liam said. He’s here. He sought me out.
I tried to swallow the water in my mouth and smile at the same time, which didn’t work at all. Liam cocked his head and gave me a funny look just as I ran out of breath. I gasped some air, sucked water into my throat, and began coughing uncontrollably.
I bent over to spare myself from the humiliation and felt someone clapping me on my back. I coughed and coughed and coughed. Will it never end?
“Are you okay? Do you want some water?” It was Tess. She was bent down with one hand hitting my back. I grabbed her other hand and pulled her closer.
“Are they still watching?” I choked out between coughs.
“Yep.”
I stayed down until I had complete control of my breathing and furiously wiped at my eyes, which were leaking like faucets. I could only hope my face wasn’t bright red.
I stood up and drank a little more water—carefully this time.
Alex was definitely snickering, but I couldn’t read Liam’s face. Was that concern?
“You all right?” Liam asked.
I tried desperately to think of something witty to say, but all that came out of my mouth was “Yeah.”
That was the best I could do?
“We have to get back. We’ll see you guys tonight,” Tess said. She pulled me out onto the track, where Tara, the squad captain, was setting up for another dance number.
“You are totally holding out on me. I can’t believe you.” Tess turned and waved at the crowds on the bleachers.
“What?” I took my place beside her. I could see Sam messing with the music by the fence line.
“I’ve never seen you look at a guy like that. Ever.”
The music started, loud and pulsating, saving me from responding to Tess. I dropped my head and arms into position. Was I that obvious? And if I was, how did I ever get away with Todd?
Me & My Invisible Guy Page 2
