The street was buzzing, a heavy bass slipping out of the open doors and windows of the party house and rattling against the windshield. It felt like we were driving through some kind of magnetic force field and apparently the kind that blows off all your clothes and has you clinging to whatever bare skin you can find.
Girls in their underwear ran out in front of the car, one of them clutching some poor guy’s shorts and stark tighty-whities. He came scrambling after them as we pulled to a stop in the empty field behind the house.
It had taken some coaxing but my mom finally caved, letting me go out on the condition that I didn’t drink and that I actually made an attempt at socializing unlike the other three and a half years of my high school experience during which I spoke to no one and instead silently judged them from the corner of the room. But walking up to the house, I suddenly wished I hadn’t let Dani convince me that these few hours of freedom would be worth it.
“Not long,” I reminded Dani. “Just long enough for everyone to see that I am still psychologically intact and then we ditch.”
She was quiet, staring up at the silhouettes writhing in the windows as we approached the house.
“I’m serious,” I said.
“Got it.”
My stomach twisted as we ascended the front steps. I knew I shouldn’t care what anyone else thought of me. They’d always been good at doing the same. In fact, for the past four years most of these people had barely said a word to me. No matter how hard I’d tried it was more fun for everyone else to just keep pretending like I didn’t exist. Because I was the sick girl. And that’s exactly what they did.
Until Drew. But I had to stop caring what he thought of me too. I just had to stop caring. He already had. That’s what stepping through that doorway was supposed to be about. That’s why I’d let Dani drag me out tonight. Because I needed to prove to them and to myself that I could and that I could do it without Drew next to me.
The front door flew open, someone stumbling past us and heaving over the side of the porch. We were frozen in disgust and then Jessie Fowler wiped his mouth clean and said, “Hey Dani, who’s your friend?”
We rolled our eyes in unison.
“I’ve only sat next to you in Stats for the past four months,” I said.
He cocked his head and dared to take a step closer, trying to get a better look at me.
“Bryn,” Dani offered.
I wondered if she ever got tired of introducing me to people we’d gone to school with for years. I was certainly tired of their surprised reactions after they finally managed to pull my face from whatever mental Rolodex they had of classmates they didn’t actually give a shit about.
“Holy shit,” Jessie laughed. “I thought you died or something.”
Jessie stumbled down the steps of the house and then Dani and I rushed inside.
“Well, at least he remembered you eventually,” Dani offered.
I just shook my head.
“See?” she said. “Maybe that’s why you should come to more parties. So you don’t get confused for some foreign exchange student or…” She eyed my outfit. “Someone’s mom who’s here looking for her freshman daughter.”
“Excuse me?” I snapped.
Someone stepped between us, knocking me into the wall in the entryway. I skirted back from it when I saw that it was covered in neon colored condoms. Someone had tacked up hundreds of them with an accompanying sign that read—FREE. Someone pushed past us and ripped one off, stuffing it into the back pocket of his jeans.
I rolled my eyes. “Fucking genius. It’s like a redneck version of Russian roulette.”
“I know. Couldn’t wait six more months. They just had to become a statistic.” Dani pointed. “Oh, look there’s Felix.”
I spotted him dipping his red solo cup into the punch bowl. Felix lived across the street from Dani. The three of us had grown up together and his dad owned a mechanic’s shop and sometimes he let me pick through their scraps.
“Heard that’s how you catch gonorrhea,” I said as he lifted the cup to his lips.
He made a face, poured it out. “Hey, look who’s back from the dead.”
“I wasn’t dead,” I snapped. “I was perfectly fine.”
“Chill,” Dani mumbled. “Paranoid?”
Felix lowered his voice. “Trust me, you do not want to give these people another reason to think you’re crazy.”
“Thanks.”
“Just trying to help,” he said.
Dani turned to me. “You’ll thank us later. Now smile or…something, you look miserable.”
“Maybe because I am.”
“Yeah well, everyone’s going to think it’s because of Drew.”
“Or that you’re still sleeping,” Felix cut in. “You do look a little zombie-ish this evening.”
I exhaled. “And thanks for another blow to my self-esteem…”
“Sorry,” Felix said, “but friends don’t let friends impersonate the undead.”
“Yeah,” Dani nudged me, “especially when she’s supposed to be making someone jealous. I told you to look hot and then you threw on the first shirt you could find? You could at least try to be normal, you know.”
“What’s wrong with my shirt?”
“Hello,” Dani said. “I can’t even see your boobs.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, “but I believe the very definition of a shirt is something that covers your boobs.”
“Actually,” Felix said, “Dani’s right.”
Dani froze, confused. “Did you just—?”
“Did you just say she was right?” I finished for her.
“You never say I’m right,” Dani said.
“Because, usually, you never are. And it might just be the beer talking, or a sign of the apocalypse, but the girl’s got a point.” Felix turned to me. “You like to be invisible. We get it.”
“What? I don’t—”
“But if you want to make Drew feel like shit you’re gonna have to hit him where it hurts.”
“With my boobs…”
“Yes,” he said. “In case your mom hasn’t had the talk with you yet that’s kind of what they’re for. You know, turning men into dribbling, fumbling jackasses and controlling the world and shit.”
“Controlling the world and shit,” I repeated. “Sounds important.”
“Hey,” Felix said, “don’t underestimate the power of a good push up bra.”
I rolled my eyes. “Thanks for the tip.”
I tried not to look at the door. I tried not to look like a miserable flat-chested zombie. I tried to act normal but it only made me feel even more like a freak so I just sunk against the wall, waiting for Drew to walk in, hoping he wouldn’t.
Dani nudged me. “I think I see Matt, I’ll be right back.”
“But wait, you—”
She slipped out of my grasp and wound through the sweaty people dancing in the empty living room. Then I watched her approach some bulky guy in a muscle shirt that was two sizes too small for him. He didn’t look familiar but as my run-in with Jessie proved, I wasn’t in school enough to notice every transfer student.
“Who’s Matt?” I finally asked.
Felix stared past me, eyes narrowed. “Who the fuck cares?”
“You.”
Felix had been in love with Dani since we were eight years old.
He shook his head, dipping his cup in the punch bowl again.
“So, I guess we’re watching your whole fumbling jackass theory in action?”
He ignored me, taking another drink.
“Get trashed, that’ll solve it,” I said.
He took a big long gulp, still staring at Dani. “Judge me for self-medicating?” he mumbled. “Just because your drug of choice has a dick…”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Drew.” He laughed. “You’re a fucking junkie and you don’t even know it.”
“I’m not a junkie. I don’t care what he does anymore.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah, really.”
“Prove it.”
“Fine.”
“Don’t talk to him all night.”
“Easy. Done.”
“Easy?”
I took a step towards him. “As fucking pie.”
“Well, good because he’s coming over right now.” Felix’s gaze flashed over my left shoulder. “Hey, Drew.”
Shit. I reached for Felix’s cup and took a long drink, the liquid burning a hot trail down the back of my throat. I felt my name flutter against the back of my neck but I didn’t turn around. I locked eyes with Felix but he just shook his head, a big smirk on his face as he reached for his cup and then turned to go.
“Bryn?”
I scanned the living room for Dani but she’d already disappeared somewhere with that guy Matt, one of those corrupt neon condoms probably tucked into his back pocket.
When I realized that I couldn’t just keep staring at the wall like an idiot, I turned around, my eyes clinging to my shoes. From his shadow on the floor I could see that his head was bent too. But then I felt him look at me, waiting for me to look back.
“Can we talk?” he said.
“No.”
“Bryn, please.”
Jesus, I already lost. I spotted Felix on the other side of the room. He flashed me the finger and then puckered his lips, the loud smack cutting through the music.
I stepped past Drew, finding the stairs and taking them two at a time. Then I very impolitely opened closet doors and walked through seemingly empty bedrooms where people were making out or stripping out of their clothes under some stranger’s sheets.
“Dani?” I called, but my voice barely cut through the noise, the music rattling under my feet and setting the walls buzzing.
“Hey.” Drew caught up with me, reaching for my hand.
I yanked it back and threw open a closet door to reveal two girls making out while a skinny guy in glasses taped it on his phone. I opened another narrow door, some kind of pantry or towel closet and I was pushed inside, Drew pulling the door shut behind us.
“Let me out,” I said.
“Not until you talk to me.”
For a second I was glad it was dark. I didn’t want to have to look at his face. At his stupid blonde hair. At his stupid blue eyes, glazed and insincere. At his stupid mouth, bottom lip between his teeth because that’s what he always did when he was trying to coerce me into doing something I didn’t want to do but also kind of did. But even though I couldn’t see Drew I could still feel him there and maybe that was worse.
I could smell the gum hidden under his tongue and I remembered how his lips always tasted like an orange dreamsicle. I felt them brush past mine but he didn’t kiss me. It didn’t matter. I was already frozen.
I thought about being sprawled out on a sleeping bag in the bed of his truck, of him climbing in through my window late after a baseball game. I thought about the past two years—of breaking up and getting back together, the push and pull of hating him and wanting him at the same time.
And then I thought about him hovering over me. Angry. Buzzed. Trying to rip my shirt off. The sound of that stupid red box smashing against my headboard.
Don’t let him in. Not again.
I felt his fingers trail down to my wrists.
“Did you open it?” he asked.
I was quiet.
“You didn’t.” He exhaled. “Look, I know I messed up. I was wrong and selfish and stupid but I thought if you opened it—”
“You have a girlfriend,” I said.
“She’s…it’s nothing.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
He let out another long breath and I tried not to breathe it in.
“It means it was a mistake. You were—”
“Asleep for four weeks. Four weeks. Really?”
“We weren’t together,” he snapped. “You told me to go fuck myself remember?”
He was right. I remembered pushing him onto the floor, trying to pull my shirt back on, to bite back the tears before he saw them, and I’d told him to go fuck himself. To leave. To never come back. And then I was the one who’d left, sleep dragging me under for four weeks while he found some other girl who would do what I wouldn’t.
“Bryn, don’t be like this.”
His signature line. My signature guilt trip. The implication being that a normal girl wouldn’t be so overdramatic. That a normal girl would let it slide. And those few seconds of silence when I tried to determine whether or not he was right, whether or not a normal girl would be more understanding, more forgiving, more low maintenance, more everything, was just enough time for me to hesitate and him to make his move.
His arm curled around my waist and I grew still.
“It’s hard,” he said. “I know you’ve got it worse but it’s hard always being the one left behind. I miss you and you’re not there. I need you and you’re gone. And in the meantime I screw up. I make mistakes. I’m not fucking perfect.” He lowered his voice. “I know you probably hate me. I just thought that if you saw the bracelet you’d—”
“Forgive you? And now you want me to wear it like some badge of honor while you screw other girls behind my back?”
“I didn’t give you…” He stopped, looked down. “Bryn, I gave you the bracelet because I love you.”
“You what?”
“I love you.”
Those words had been scarce from his lips. He wasn’t the sentimental type. The desperate, divulging type. He was the quiet stare. The firm grip. Interactions and acknowledgments that could either make me feel alive or invisible. Sometimes both. And it had been that way since the first day we spoke. Since that day he’d found me eating lunch in the art room.
I’d been hiding as usual, pretending to catch up on homework while I raided Mrs. Castillo’s supply cabinet. He’d come in looking for her, planning on wooing her with some excuse as to why he hadn’t turned in that week’s assignment.
But then he’d found me instead and I was the one who’d been wooed. Because after he’d said, “Hey you’re that girl,” and I’d ignored him, he’d sat down across from me, eyes wide and sincere and said, “What’s it like?” No hint of mocking or malice in his voice.
I still remembered the first time his hand slipped into mine on our way to English class. In the middle of the hallway. In front of everyone, he’d touched me. I’d seen it. They’d seen it. And when their gazes grew hot he didn’t let go. It was in that moment that those kids who’d made me feel invisible my entire life didn’t just see Drew hold my hand. They saw me too. Me.
“Bryn,” he said again. “I love you.”
My hand pulled out of Drew’s grasp but before I could reach for the door he kissed me. Hard. Desperate. And I swallowed every bit of it, absorbing every exhale, letting him bury me somewhere deep. His hands fell to my waist, to the hem of my shirt, fingers scaling my bare skin.
There was a knock. Breathing. Laughing.
“Bryn?”
It was Dani. I saw her jiggle the door handle and I froze. Then she pulled it free and the stairwell was full of wide eyes, pupils glazed and burning a hole right through me.
“Shit,” I said. “Get off.”
I pulled my shirt down and pushed Drew out of the way. Then I grabbed Dani’s hand and we ran down the stairs and out to the car.
“What was that?” she asked.
I threw open the passenger door and climbed inside.
“Bryn, what the hell?”
I looked back and saw Drew on the front steps of the house.
“Shit, Dani, can you just drive?”
She hesitated, biting back words, and then she started the engine.
As we drove away, I sunk against the passenger seat, watching the streetlights flash in long streaks across the glass. I expected Dani to try and say something else but thankfully she didn’t. I could already taste the guilt on my lips. I didn’t need her judging me too
.
I stared at the street, at the storefronts, at the people on the sidewalk, anything but my reflection. We pulled to a light and I found a silhouette at the end of the street, someone standing out of the glow of the streetlight. I felt them looking even though I knew they weren’t. They were a stranger, just darkness, but after what I’d done it still felt like they could see straight through me.
I traced their shadow until the light flashed green and as my eyes fought to stay open I felt another long sleep already tugging at me.
Chapter 5
The Girl In Between (The Girl In Between Series Book 1) Page 5
