“Let me go, Chet.”
“Never. I’ll let everything else go instead, but you and I belong together and you know it.”
“You love your career.”
“I love you more.”
“You shouldn’t, not now. I’m too much of a mess. You’ll bounce back. That’s how you are. I won’t be responsible for holding you back.”
“What about your job?”
I assumed she’d go back. She was only on leave. They still held a position for her, but Penny informed me she’d formally resigned. I held back asking too much more. Did she plan on sitting at the edge of the cliff looking out at the Pacific like she did when Jordan died? This version of Penny was liable to slip off the side on purpose. I needed to be with her to protect her and save her from herself, but she wasn’t letting me. She only wanted to push me away. I’d done my best to cater to every need she had, but I was fed up at the moment.
“You know what might have helped? A funeral.”
“I explained how I felt about that.”
“Yeah, you did, but I didn’t get a say so, remember?”
“I never said you couldn’t have a funeral, just that I couldn’t be a part of it.”
“Where is my son?”
“What kind of question is that?”
“A legitimate one.”
“You know Heather helped with those details.”
“I asked Heather and all I know is Frank took the urn and no one ever mentioned another thing about it to me.”
“Fine. The urn is put away at my parents’ home. I’m not ready to see it just yet.”
I tried to understand about the memorial. Mom kept saying we could do a private service with their pastor, but I didn’t feel right until Penny was ready. Apparently, she would never be ready. I could feel the burn all the way up to the tips of my ears. I was about to blow, so I had to get the fuck out of there before I said so many things I was sure to regret.
“This isn’t over. I’m not quitting on us and neither are you.”
She wouldn’t look at me when she said the rest, “I already have. Goodbye Chet.”
I somehow did my part and we wrapped on the fourth and final Voyagers. I knew the fifth was in the works, but I’d already said no. They all thought I’d change my mind if they waved enough money in my face, but I wouldn’t and there wasn’t a damn thing they could do to sway me. I went back home to an empty condo. Maggie packed up all Penny’s clothes and personal items, but she left her mark. Her feminine touch was everywhere I turned. This would never be my place again. It was our home. I went in the nursery. The room was all packed up finally. There was a note. Maggie wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. She took the special blanket, but left everything else. Penny thought I should donate it all to charity. I backed out of the room after I read those words. I had no idea what to do next. Keeping all the furniture, clothes and toys didn’t seem realistic, but giving them away felt wrong, so I left it just as Maggie had.
I stayed in for the next few days. X stopped by often with booze and crappy food. I let myself and the place go to hell. I hadn’t washed a glass in a week. I’d broken a few, but shoving the broken shards to the side was as much effort that I put into straightening up. My appearance was at the bottom of my priorities. I rarely went out, even my showers were spaced out.
I called Penny. She never answered. I texted like the desperate man that I was at all hours of the day and night. She didn’t reply. I was tempted to toss her engagement ring off the balcony a time or two, but I eventually tucked it away back inside my underwear drawer. I still hoped it wasn’t over, but as the days turned into weeks, I had to face a new reality. It just might be.
One night, X was hanging out. He’d had an epiphany the day before. He said I was on the path to self-destruction, that he’d been there a time or two. I thought more like a dozen was a more accurate number, but kept quiet and let him preach to me. It had been a couple of weeks, so many miserable days but I wasn’t at the end of my rope. Yet.
“Do tell? I’d like to hear your expert opinion on such things.”
“Not funny, bro. Way to support. I have mental health issues. It’s not a joke, it’s in my medical chart. However, I’m not on such a path anymore. If you were a decent friend, you might have noticed I’ve been cutting back on all my excesses?”
I honestly hadn’t paid much attention to him. Half the time, I wasn’t aware if he was coming or going.
“Sloane says . . .”
I cut him off. Any sentence he began with ‘Sloane says’ was going to test my patience. He used that life coach’s sayings a little too much. Maybe she was helping, maybe he was full of shit. Either way, X might need a coach to make it through life, I did not. I only needed Penny. I looked around. She’d kick my ass if she could see how messy I’d let the place get. I told X I was tired and was getting a good night’s rest for a change.
“You’re going to go get her and bring her home, aren’t you?”
“Yep, I can’t live like this another day.”
He told me he was rooting for us and this time, I felt sincerity behind his words. I texted Lupe who I’d been paying but not allowing over. I asked if she could come over for a thorough, deep clean, triple her normal rate. She quickly replied she’d be over after lunch. I would be gone by then.
I did a little cleaning myself. I tossed in a large load of laundry first and smiled at the checklist on the wall. Penny wouldn’t let me forget I’d destroyed a few things of hers just like I’d done to my mother years before. She insisted I could be taught. I took the trash out and downstairs. The kitchen smelled better immediately. I sure missed that crazy black dog that would be begging about now for one last run around the property before bed.
Maggie sent me updates. Frank and Kate would still talk to me as well. At least, I knew Penny was staying off the cliffs and that she and Pepper were fine. Frank said he couldn’t get her to do much, but some days she’d sit with him in his workshop while he made birdhouses.
Was she as miserable as I was? I didn’t want to flat out say I hoped so, but I kinda did. I wanted my Penny to cover her mouth and giggle again. I wanted to be the one to pull her hand away and see her smiling back at me. We’d lost something so precious, but the dream still existed. She and I still had a future.
Wayne called just as I climbed into bed. I’d been avoiding him for the most part because he only lectured me at this point.
“Did you go see Penny?”
“No, but I’m going in the morning.”
“Liar. You’ve said this before. What happened to you? I can’t believe you’re not fighting for her? I never figured you for a quitter.”
“I’m not quitting. She won’t answer me. It’s messed up, but I’m ready now. Let’s hope she is too.”
Wayne said she wasn’t willing to admit that, but he knew Penny wanted to come back. Funny how she answered his calls.
“You got rid of that scraggly beard?”
“Gone.”
“What about the shaggy hair?” I didn’t have time for a haircut but I could make myself look presentable enough. I told him not to worry. I was seeing this through. This separation hadn’t done either of us any good. As soon as I woke up tomorrow, I was making her see the light.
My morning light was extinguished. Only darkness remained. Penny finally replied. She told me to stop sending her messages that it only prolonged the pain. She continued to highlight our differences again. I wanted to fire back with a million responses. She was lying to me, to herself. The differences, the apparent incompatibility were our strengths not our downfall. Penny was a liar. She was afraid. We were hurting and for some reason, she thought she was helping me not hurt as bad by remaining apart. I was at a loss. I was torn between waiting her out longer to allow her to come to her senses or jumping in my car to speed to Monterey like I’d planned.
I finally made up my mind. I swung open the front door of the condo with determination. Her hand was up in the air like
she was about to knock instead of ringing the bell. I guess she never forgot the gate code. I kinda wish she had because I never would have let her up.
Grace.
“Hey, stranger. The rumors aren’t true, I see. You look perfectly fine to me. X exaggerates. I should’ve known. You look amazing Chet. Can I come in?”
No was on the tip of my tongue, but I stepped back and I let Grace walk inside my home and back into my life. I sat my phone and keys on the counter.
“Going somewhere? Did I catch you at a bad time?”
I lied. I looked back at the door. I should make a run for it, but instead I offered to make her coffee. Grace surveyed the room. “You redecorated.”
I barely, “uh hummed.”
She was a bit sarcastic and said I should get my money back. She had to know. Everyone knew Penny lived with me. Grace was insulting Penny’s tastes. I knew it, but I still didn’t say anything. In fact, I barely said ten words as the next few hours came and went. We sat down in the living room. Grace brought up the fact I was the only hold out for the new film. Everyone else had signed contracts. She fussed at me about skipping the cast party.
“I haven’t been in a party mood. I figured everyone would understand.”
Grace scooted in closer. She put her hands on me. “Oh, sweetie. Of course, I understand. I’ve been so worried about you. I’ve wanted to stop off at least a dozen times. Life is so unfair. You didn’t deserve this. Tell me how I can help.”
I wanted to take her hands off me, but something about human contact felt comforting. I continued to allow her to hold my hand and pat my cheek. She even progressed to combing her fingers through my longer hair.
“Thanks, Grace, but there’s not much anyone can do. I need time.”
“Yes, of course. Time heals all wounds.”
I questioned in my thoughts, did it?
“Friends are good medicine. I missed you, Chet. Can we still be friends? You shouldn’t be alone so much. I can’t believe how that selfish woman abandoned you.”
I firmly grabbed her wrist to remove her hand from my hair as she made that last comment. “Don’t. Don’t ever talk about Penny to me.”
She apologized. Grace threw both her arms around me and held me close. “I still care . . . so much. I’m so so sorry. I’ll never leave you, Chet.” She pulled back, perhaps to study my reaction to this renewed intimacy between us. We were too close. It felt so awkward. I wanted her to leave, but I didn’t move. “We were good together, weren’t we?”
“I feel so alone.”
“I know you do, but you don’t have to be alone. You aren’t now.” That was the last thing she said before she collided her mouth against mine. It was all wrong: wrong lips, strange taste, peculiar touch, but I didn’t stop her. I submitted. The little voice that told me to slam the door in her face had finally subsided. I let her lead me down the hall like a lost puppy. She paused at my bedroom.
“No, not in there.”
Grace turned to the door across the hall. “No.” I said a little more forceful to her for almost entering my son’s room.
Grace stopped, “Then where, Chet? Show me what isn’t off limits.”
I was off limits. My heart only belonged to Penny, but I took her into the office. I walked over to my favorite chair. She climbed over me without hesitation. Grace took the lead. I said it again. “I’m tired of being alone.”
She kissed all over my face and promised I didn’t have to be. The rest was purely mechanical. I didn’t participate emotionally. Grace took from me as if she thought I was giving, but I wasn’t. I’d become a shell of who I used to be and even though a beautiful woman draped herself all over me, I was still completely and utterly alone.
I stayed at Mum and Dad’s a little over a month. Maggie lured me back to her place. It was easy to say yes when Keats got on the phone and begged as well. My parents had been great, but Mum and I weren’t meant to cohabitate after I’d grown up and left home. I feared we grated on each other’s nerves a little too often. I worried that being back in LA would make it too difficult to stay away from Chet.
It seemed distance and time didn’t make being away from Chet any easier. I missed him; I still stayed away. I hadn’t wavered that it was the right thing to do.
Maggie wanted me to go back to work. I should, but I didn’t. I stayed home while Maggie and Keats worked everyday. They’d been married for months and Maggie still hadn’t put everything away. I used my idle time to help around their house. I even completed Maggie’s thank you cards from their mountain of wedding gifts. I cooked and baked. Keats said he was finally putting on weight like a married man should.
A few weeks went by. Maggie left me alone most nights, but one evening she came in my room to invite me out to dinner.
“Thanks for asking, but you two enjoy some alone time. It’s your date night. I’ll just stay in and read or maybe stream a movie.”
“You mean, stalk Chet online, see what he’s up to with that blonde bimbo from his movie.”
“I do no such thing. Chet’s hanging out with Grace again?” I faked my surprise because I knew damn well they’d been photographed together for weeks. The only satisfaction I got out of seeing those photos was that he always looked miserable. Grace was grinning ear to ear and clinging to him like a pesky monkey, but Chet looked distant. He looked lost.
“Quit, Poppy. This is a no bullshit zone. You miss him. Leaving him was the biggest mistake of your life. Call him.”
“No, that would be a colossal blunder on my part. He finally stopped trying to contact me. He’s moved on.”
“Do you pay attention to the rubbish that comes out of your mouth? Seriously, ‘moved on,’ my arse. Keats sees him regularly. He’s a mess. You know what he’s doing with Grace, angel of mercy, err . . . malevolence, I mean?”
Actually, thinking about what he was doing with Grace had been the last thing I wanted to dwell on. Maggie clarified. “He’s using her. He’s trying to get your attention. Admit it, he has it, doesn’t he?”
“No. Chet is a piece of my past. I will always care for him and hope that he is well. It’s nothing more, nothing less.”
She shook her head at me and called me a few names relating to my stubbornness. “Get a shower and put on a damn dress. You’re going. It’s not negotiable. It’s not date night. We’re meeting up with Simon.”
“Simon? What are you up to? That’s a horrid idea.”
“Nonsense, you two got on nicely. He’s moving soon. He wants to spend time with Keats and I need someone to talk to when they get into all that legal jargon they babble on about.”
I asked what she meant by moving and Maggie said Simon had landed a prime position in London. He was relocating in a few short months.
“London?”
“Yes. Our favorite city across the pond. Is there any other London?”
I thought there might be if I remembered my geography correctly, but I knew what she meant the entire time. Thinking of England made me homesick for Nan and Pops. I missed our cottage, I missed the garden, I missed the tranquility I had there. I missed Chet, but I couldn’t go back. I shook those thoughts. I shouldn’t let my mind wander so much. I reluctantly agreed to go. My sister was right. Last night’s photos were of Chet and another woman I didn’t know. Unfortunately, I had been stalking him more than I should. I guess he and Grace were back to being non-exclusive. I had to take my mind off things so dinner might do the trick. Also, I was somewhat curious about Simon’s new job if I was being honest.
I politely kicked Maggie under the table. She kept texting at dinner and it was rude. No one else seemed to notice. I know we joked about the guys and their boring lawyer conversations, but at least I pretended to be interested. Simon seemed pleased to see me again. He gave me a friendly hug when he met us at the restaurant. He also gave me his condolences for my loss and asked how I was holding up. I told as best as could be expected. I’d forgotten how nice of a smile he had. He was a bit on the boring side,
but he was a pleasant man. I didn’t mind this dinner out as much as I originally dreaded.
Once dinner was over, we all chatted a little outside on the sidewalk. Maggie and Keats were wanting to head down a few blocks to a local bar for a few drinks. That wasn’t really my thing and Simon said he had an early deposition the following morning. He volunteered to give me a lift back to Maggie’s. I was about to take him up on his offer when I caught sight of disaster approaching.
Chet was with a gang of friends. I knew many of the faces, but the three women vying for a piece of him were all strangers to me. I’d never laid eyes on them. I wish I hadn’t seen them now. I glanced Maggie’s way. First, her eyes widened, then she quickly averted them in every other direction to avoid me. Busted. This was a setup. What the hell was she thinking? She wasn’t, obviously.
I grabbed Simon’s arm. “We should go, like right now.”
He looked confused. I don’t think it registered Chet was heading our way. He must have said something to his harem and they all stayed back, but Chet crossed the side street to get to me. He did not look happy. I knew the scenario would turn ugly if I didn’t get Simon to pick up the pace and take me to where he parked his car.
We turned our backs on Chet and started walking away. “Hey. Hold up. What the fuck is this?”
Chet was already too loud and I was certain from the first word out of his mouth, he was also drunk.
He didn’t think twice before grabbing Simon’s arm. “Get your fucking hands off my fiancée.”
Keats stepped in between them. “Chet. Slow down. We’re just finishing up a nice dinner and Simon’s giving Penny a ride home.”
“The hell he is. I said get away from her.”
I was so humiliated. Simon looked alarmed, but he didn’t seem too afraid of Chet. He hadn’t stepped away from me. I looked down to see his right fist clinched. I swear, the thought of these two men getting into a street brawl over me was the worst thing I could imagine at the moment. I had to diffuse the situation quickly.
The Price of Penny Page 37
