by Taylor Dean
His eyebrows furrow and I’ve never seen him look so serious. “Okay then, go on.”
I turn onto my side, away from him. I can’t look at him as I rehearse the entire sordid story. He doesn’t ask me to maintain eye contact any longer. I think he senses my anxiety. His hand continues to run through my hair as I repeat it all out loud, recalling every detail. The scene I’m speaking of has played out in my mind every single night of my life since the night it happened. I remember it as if it was yesterday. Every time, I long for a different outcome, but I can’t change what happened. I tell him about Stony’s candlelight dinner, his proposal, my emotional response, and my horrible crazy actions that followed.
“You were upset. The two of you had been through a lot. It’s understandable.”
“There’s more.”
He’s dead quiet as I explain what happened after I knocked everything off the table in Caroline’s foyer. The concussion. The fire. Stony’s burns. The trial. Stony’s testimony. Being sent to prison. It pours out of me as I wipe away a few tears. I tell him everything. Well, not everything. It’s hard enough to admit this much. I keep my ugly truths to myself. When I admit to them, it should be Stony that hears it all first. Besides, why tell Grayson everything? We are about to be over before we’ve ever even begun anyway.
I can’t see his expression as the car falls silent. I have no idea what he’s thinking or feeling. But his hand has stilled and is no longer moving through my hair. I die a little on the inside.
“I admit, I wasn’t expecting that. Stony and Spencer told me nothing. They felt it was better if I heard it directly from you and now I understand why.”
Yeah, I know. But he doesn’t know I know.
“I had no idea. I always assumed Stony’s burn scars happened at the same time he lost his leg.”
“I think that’s what most people assume when they don’t know the whole story.” I sit up and he doesn’t try to stop me.
He remains quiet and I believe he’s processing everything he just heard. It’s a lot to take in at one time.
“No wonder it was so difficult for you to see Stony and Spencer. That took a lot of courage. It explains why you were so quiet that night I met you.”
“It was the first time I was able to speak with Stony face to face since the night of the fire.”
The car is silent, but I swear I can hear his mind ticking away as everything falls into place.
“I’m Spencer’s brother,” he says quietly.
It’s like a lightbulb just went off in his head and he understands my dilemma. It all comes down to that one simple statement.
My heart plummets. “Do you see why anything between us is impossible? There’s too much baggage and I’ll just make life difficult for you and Spencer and . . .” I trail off. I don’t want to mention Stony.
“I don’t think we are impossible, but I do understand why it would be hard for you.”
“Is it hard for you? I can tell you’re shocked by my actions.”
He turns in his seat. “Mia, look at me, please.”
I turn and face him. I’m surprised by the compassion in his features. I felt so sure he would be mortified.
“I’m sorry you had to go through all that alone. I can’t begin to imagine how hard that must have been. I wish I’d been there for you. I might be a little late, but I’m here now.”
I can’t hide a small gasp. I’m taken aback with his response. It’s the reaction I’d hoped for, but never dared to dream it could happen in reality.
My happiness is short lived.
It doesn’t change who he is. It takes effort to harden my heart against him. I could fall for him so easily. I physically hurt inside for what might have been.
I know what I have to say. As much as it hurts, it’s time for a little brutal honesty. Relationships are hard enough without adding undue pressure. “Look, I like you, Grayson. I like you a lot. But it has to be more than obvious to you why a relationship between us would never work. To be honest, I’m not sure I could handle it. The connection to Stony is a little too strong. I need to break away from my old life, not embrace it even closer. I’m sorry. I think it’s best if we’re honest with each other from the very beginning, no games, no misunderstandings, no miscommunication. Let’s face it, anything between us is doomed to fail.”
He watches me intently, his eyes blinking heavily. I feel like I squashed his spirit. The funny and witty Grayson who lip syncs to me in the store is nowhere to be seen. I miss him. He slowly nods his head. “I see.”
He starts to say something, then he stops. Then he does the same thing again. He’s thinking things through and I wonder if he’s coming to the same conclusions as me. He’s warring with himself over it, but he must see the common sense in what I’m saying.
“May I ask what you plan on doing with the rest of your life?”
His question stuns me. It’s not what I expected and tells me he’s not on the same wavelength as me at all. He’s not being sarcastic, but the implication is there. He might as well have asked: Are you going to hide out for the rest of your life? Or maybe: Are you going to hide out from Stony for the rest of your life? That’s what I hear anyway. Maybe it’s my guilty conscience because I know that’s what I’m doing.
“I’m going to take care of my mother.”
“What will you do when she is well?”
Honestly, I have no idea. So, I say the first thing that comes to my mind. “I’m going to move as far away from here as possible, become a recluse, write poems all day, and only wear white.” I’m not kidding.
Confused, he says, “What?”
“Like Emily Dickinson. I used to teach English Lit and I’ve always been obsessed with her life. Right about now, it sounds perfect to me.”
“Don’t you want to return to teaching?”
“I can’t teach anymore, Grayson. No one wants to hire a jailbird.” I think at this point he has every right to say, Hey, when you’re done feeling sorry for yourself, give me a call. I wouldn’t blame him.
A little subdued, he rubs his hands over his face. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s just the way it is and I have to accept it.”
“Mia, I’ve spoken with Spencer and Stony. They’re okay with us dating. You’re the only one who’s not.”
I turn in my seat and face forward. I can’t look him in the eyes any longer. He’s good and kind. He doesn’t deserve to be treated like this. “I don’t understand how Spencer can be okay with it,” I whisper.
“Stony doesn’t give her a reason to feel insecure. Those two are so in love, outside influences bounce right off them. You don’t need to worry about it.”
Ouch. “I can’t let it go so easily. It’s too much for me. I’m sorry, Grayson. I really am. I don’t want to hurt you, I just want to be honest from the get-go.” If I was being completely honest, I’d tell him everything right now. But I’m scared to death to admit my ugly truths.
He sighs heavily. He touches my shoulder for a moment and when I don’t respond, he lets his hand fall. The irony of the situation is that I feared his response to my story. Instead it’s all me who is putting an end to us. How did that happen? No matter, it’s for the best. He’ll realize it soon enough.
He puts the car into gear and we drive home in silence. He helps me with my groceries and places the bags on the kitchen counter.
“Can I ask you one more thing?” His smile is nowhere to be seen and I find his gaze thoroughly intimidating without it. I can see the military man inside of him now. It takes me back.
“Sure.” I swallow and I swear Caroline could have heard it from across the street.
He walks close to me until we are only inches apart. He places his fingers on my chin and tips my face up to his. “If I wasn’t Spencer’s brother, would things be different?”
Wow. That sounds terrible out loud, almost ridiculous. But, given my history, it’s sadly true. Wild, crazy, emotions surge through my veins. “Yes. Absolutely.”
“That’s all I need to know.” His eyes bore into mine and I shiver. “Take care, Mia.”
He’s so serious, he comes off as cold. What did I expect? I just told him nothing can happen between us.
He kisses my forehead, letting his lips linger, and backs away. I’m confused by the mixture of hard and soft. He nods at me curtly. “I’ll see myself out.”
I follow him to the door anyway. I watch as it clicks shut, the sound reverberating around the room.
A longing rushes over me that I can’t deny. All at once, I miss this man I hardly even know. He brightened my life with his mere presence. I felt lovable—and I needed to know that I was lovable.
All I can think is, “What have I done?”
CHAPTER
Nine
IT’S SUNDAY AND I’m feeling out of sorts. The new medicines are making Mom sleep her time away. I know it’s the best thing for her, but selfishly, I miss her company.
She felt good enough to sit in the living room and watch a movie last night. She even stayed awake for the entire movie. I loved it. It was reminiscent of old times. I’m learning to be thankful for the moments when she’s alert and awake. They seem to be few and far between.
With a surge of energy, I cleaned the house from top to bottom after the movie and now I’m enjoying the results. The house feels fresh and inviting. Mom has always kept a nice home, as a matter of fact, she was the one to hold our home together after Dad left. I don’t dwell on it a lot, but I can’t imagine how hard that must’ve been for her. She’s my hero. She faces life with so much inner strength. Truly, she has an iron will. Some of that grit must’ve been passed on to me. I just need to find it.
Sweet and sour chicken is in the slow cooker, making the house smell heavenly. I’m feeling very put together, yet nothing feels right today. It’s such an odd combination. Mom ate a small breakfast this morning and said, “Where’s Grayson? He’s a nice young man.”
“Yes, he is.” I kept my face blank, giving away nothing.
I spent the morning sitting by Mom’s bed as she slept, longing for her company. I regret that I didn’t take the opportunity to talk things out with her. I need her wisdom. But I won’t wake her. She needs her rest.
Blake is cooped up in the basement working on a project and I’m left to my own devices. I hear laughter from outside and make my way to the front window.
Grayson. I haven’t seen him since the night I told him nothing can happen between us. That was four days ago and now time seems to be crawling by. He’s out front playing with Shay’s fifteen month old daughter, Brit. He’s running in circles on the front lawn as she chases him. He has the best laugh, loud and carefree. I love it.
I watch as he picks her up and twirls her around, tosses her in the air a few times, then continues with their game of chase. There’s no doubt I am enamored with this man. That’s why it’s best if we stay away from each other. I just don’t see it ending well.
Stony’s truck pulls into the driveway and I know they’re all getting together for Sunday dinner. Stony walks around to the passenger side and opens Spencer’s door. He holds out his arms and practically lifts her out of the truck and helps her down. He promptly kisses her on the lips right then and there. Not a short kiss either.
He doesn’t hide his prosthetic leg or his burn scars. Good for him. He faces the world with confidence and says, “This is who I am. Take it or leave it.” Love has changed him for the better.
I sigh as Grayson takes his turn giving Spencer a big hug. If not for the Spencer connection, I would let myself fall for Grayson Elliott. Fast and hard.
My thoughts surprise me. I’m not thinking about Spencer and Stony kissing. I’m thinking about Grayson. I guess I really am over Stony. I thought it would take me years to get over him, but Grayson pops into my life and bam, I’m falling for him. Perhaps that tells me something and I’m not listening. If I can get over Stony so quickly, then it shouldn’t matter that Grayson is Spencer’s brother. Right?
No, that’s not true. It will always be an awkward situation and I don’t want to live my life like that. Period.
How did my life get so complicated? I watch them all play outside with Brit until Caroline calls them in for dinner.
Their house is filled with so much life and laughter. I feel like our house is filled with sickness, sadness, and regret. I spent so much of my childhood in their home, soaking up the happy family atmosphere. My mom was always working so hard to make ends meet after my father left. It was as if our family life dissolved after that and was never the same. I blame my father.
Feeling anxious, I wander around the house for a bit. Then I cave in to my dark feelings. I collapse to the floor and hold my head in my hands. I really need to pull myself together, but I don’t seem to have the strength today. I want to confess everything to Stony and move on with my life, but I can’t move on while my life is practically stagnant while caring for my mother. But I’m doing the right thing, I know I am. That’s my only comfort. I didn’t know this was going to be so hard. Stony was right, I’m lost right now, floundering around, looking for my place in life. I keep pulling myself up and then falling back down. Like Mom said, as long as I keep getting up, that’s all that matters. It’s a struggle though. Every day. I feel so alone, I think that’s the hardest part. I had to face prison alone, no one could do it for me. I had to face Stony alone. I couldn’t send someone else to relay my message. It could only come from me.
I still have to face Stony alone. Just me and my words. All of my friends and family have to stand back while I admit my ugly truths. I suppose everyone has their silent struggles. My mother has to face cancer alone. Even when surrounded by her children and friends, it’s still her and cancer, facing off alone. Stony had to face one leg alone. No one could do it for him.
The struggles we have to face alone are the hardest and I seem to have my fair share. Maybe my parents should have named me Enola. It’s alone spelled backwards. The name became famous in the old 1800’s novel, Her Fatal Mistake. Then it again reached infamy when the plane carrying the atomic bomb that hit Hiroshima was named the Enola Gay. Just like the Enola Gay had to go alone on its mission, I too have a mission and a bomb to drop. I have knowledge that could make my world explode around me.
Perhaps I’m being overly dramatic. My ugly truths are not necessarily earth shattering. But they are soul destroying to me, eating me up from the inside out.
And they do have the power to hurt Stony.
Maybe at this time in his life they will merely dent him. He’s not alone, he has Spencer to console him and he has made a happy life for himself. I don’t think it will destroy him by any means. But I know it will hurt. I know it will add to his wounds. How could it not? I know he won’t be able to dismiss it easily. In the end, once he processes everything, he’ll be able to go on with life and he probably won’t lose sleep over it.
But not me. It’s everything to me. Absolutely everything. All consuming.
It would be nice to have someone by my side as I face my alone struggles. The image of Grayson’s face wanders through my mind. I can’t begin to imagine the strength someone like him would lend me.
The sound of the doorbell ringing startles me and I nearly jump out of my skin. I peek out the peephole and see Grayson. I’m so happy to see him, I nearly shout for joy. I want to throw my arms around him and tell him so.
But I won’t.
I grab a book so it looks like he caught me in the middle of reading on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
“Hello,” I say, as if I’m terribly busy and he’s interrupted me. I’m not sure one word really conveys all that, but in my mind it does. His usual smile is back in his possession today and I’m relieved to see it. I guess we’re pretending like everything is hunky-dory between us.
“Hi Mia, how’s your lovely mother doing today?”
That. Smile. I need a picture of it. I’ll look at it whenever I’m feeling down and I’m certain it will ch
eer me every time. “She’s sleeping peacefully.”
“That’s good news.” His eyes wander over me. “Have you been sleeping well?”
In other words, I don’t look rested. He doesn’t need to say it, I already know I have bags under my eyes. The truth is, I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I seem to toss and turn, working out all of my problems in my sleep. “I’m okay,” I tell him vaguely.
I’m not okay, not in the slightest. I think it’s obvious to him. I miss him much more than I thought. I cried myself to sleep the last few nights and it reminded me of the first few months in prison when I routinely cried myself to sleep every single night. In the end, I had to pull myself together and gather every ounce of inner strength I owned in order to face my new existence. I found strength inside of me that I didn’t know I possessed. I need to tap into it again. I need it and I know it’s there.
He clears his throat. “Caroline asked me to bring over some dinner for you guys.”
“She’s so wonderful. I’d be lost without her.” Her food is delicious and has been very much appreciated. She visits off and on and I love her company. I’ve always loved Stony’s mom, maybe even more than I loved Stony.
What? Where did that thought come from?
“May I come in?”
I can hardly leave him standing on the doorstep with a bunch of dishes piled high on a cookie sheet. That’s my excuse for inviting him in. Because I need one.
“Wow,” he says as he looks around the clean kitchen. “You’ve been busy.”
“Mom sleeps a lot and I needed something to do.”
“Whatchya readin’?”
My finger is stuck in the book as though it’s marking my place. I didn’t actually look at the book I grabbed and I pray it’s not something stupid as I hold it up.
“How to Defend Yourself Against Alien Abduction,” he says. “Fascinating stuff. Is that a worry of yours?”
“It’s one of Blake’s books. It’s fiction, of course.” Can I just hide under a rock now? Why do I feel so nervous around him today?
