by S. L. Scott
I miss my friend.
I miss my confidant.
I miss my Nick.
I may have been too harsh on him, but he said he’d be here for me, and he’s not. Yet I still find it hard to be mad at him. I’m equally to blame for this. It’s probably best to have some time apart and figure our lives out. Although I keep telling myself that, I don’t believe it, not for one second.
Nine days, three hours, forty-two minutes, and sixteen seconds after Nick walked out my door, he shows back up unexpectedly. I’d been lounging in bed, sleepy and sad, but I hug him without saying a word because I missed him. When I step back, I can tell he’s drunk.
He slurs his words. “Honey, I’m home.” Stumbling forward, I catch him and steady him. “Can I crash here?”
I don’t understand why he’s here and why he’s so drunk. Needing answers, I ask, “You avoided me for over a week, Nick.”
“No, no, no that’s not true,” he says and drags his finger lightly down my nose before tapping me on the chin. “I wanted to be here. You didn’t want me here.”
“We were talking, and you left.”
I help him to the couch. He lies down, and I start on his shoes, pulling them off one at a time. I’m used to having him in my life, and more importantly, I like having him close. My irritation lessens, and my smile reemerges. I feel more my normal self again with him close. “Are you staying?”
“Am I allowed?” he asks.
“If you drop the attitude.”
He returns my smile, and it’s that look, that exact look with the sweet expression and eyes that say too much about how he’s truly feeling, that gets me every time. I’m guessing he sees the same in my eyes when I’m not careful to cover it.
“Attitude dropped. Were you sleeping?”
“No, watching an old black-and-white movie.”
“I’ll watch with you.”
As I snuggle into his side, we watch the movie in silence, not needing to fill the room with long explanations. I can tell we’re both just happy to be together again.
The credits are rolling when I open my eyes.
“You should go to bed, Hayley. It’s late,” he says. His voice is gruff, his eyes are tired, and his expression is more serious than usual.
There’s no room for arguing. I’m exhausted and just slept through the last hour of the movie. He takes my hand, places a kiss on my knuckles, and it makes me realize that it’s not normal. What we have. What we do. How we treat each other. It’s not normal compared to my other male friends. What we have is special and unique, and it always has been.
He loosens his grip as he lies down behind me and stretches out on the couch. “Good-night,” he whispers.
I’m suddenly not ready to walk away from him. I’m attached in more than ‘just as a friend’ way. “Nick?”
“Yeah?”
“Stay with me?”
“I am.”
He’s going to make this difficult. That’s us. I smile though he can’t see it before I ask, “In my room?”
“I don’t want to sleep on the chair.”
“You are so frustrating. In my bed. There? Are you happy?” I stop talking, already sensing his ego growing to mass proportions. “Stop smirking, you fool, and come to bed.”
“You’re so demanding when you’re horny. I mean, lonely.” The room goes dark when he clicks off the TV. He stands and follows without further argument.
I whack him on the shoulder. “I’m not horny and only a little lonely. Okay, maybe a little horny too, but you’re not getting any from me, so paws off the goods.”
He chuckles as we enter the bedroom. “Oh, and what lovely goods they are.”
“Maybe I should leave you on the couch,” I say, playfully threatening him. “I don’t want you getting any funny ideas or anything.”
“Too late for that. I’ve already got a head full of funny ideas.”
“You’re incorrigible.”
“And you’re hot when you use big words.” He climbs into the bed on the opposite side.
“Only when I use big words, huh?”
“Ha! Good try. I don’t show all my cards on the first date, Ms. Harper.”
“Is that what we’re calling this? A first date? That sounds about right for you.”
“Sounds less sleazy that way.”
I pull the covers up to my chin and reply, “There’s nothing sleazy about two friends spending time together.”
“Friends with benefits?” He sounds hopeful.
“Friends with non-sexual benefits.”
He sighs, but I can hear the lightness in his tone. “Let’s go to sleep. I can’t keep up. I’m too drunk to continue this conversation.”
“Admit it. I’ve outwitted you.”
“It’s a cheap victory. Now, come here and let me hold you good and proper.”
I arch an eyebrow then realize it’s lost on him since he can’t see me in the dark. I slide to the right, and cuddle into his side. “I thought you were going to hold me good and proper? Doesn’t that include touching me?”
“You sure you can handle this? Once I snuggle with a girl, she usually falls in love.”
I smile against him. “I think I’m immune, or I would have fallen for you ages ago.”
“Ouch! That hurts, Hayley Girl. And here I thought you were just kidding yourself all of these years.”
I think I might have been kidding myself, too.
His breathing deepens and slows as he relaxes. “At minimum, you don’t even find me irresistible? C’mon, you can give me irresistible.”
I giggle. “You’re definitely drunk and forward. I can give you that. And just because it’s you, I’ll toss in ‘irresistible’ because you probably won’t remember in the morning anyway.”
“You’re probably right.” He kisses my eye, making me inwardly laugh because I think he was aiming for my temple. Then he says, “Good-night.”
The calm of the room surrounds us, and I hear his breathing steady with sleep.
Happy he’s here, I want to confess more than just shallow mentions about his looks, so quieter than a whisper, I say, “I counted the seconds we were apart.” Smiling in the dark, knowing that he’d call me obsessed if he’d heard, I kiss him on the cheek. “Sweet dreams, Nick.”
When did sleep become so amazing? I feel terrific and rested. I feel warm and wonderful. Lifting my head up, I suddenly become very aware that I’m in bed with someone. My body tenses until I see Nick next to me, looking peaceful. I relax and admire him for a few seconds before I pull my hand away from its cozy spot between his thighs and hope he doesn’t notice.
“Be careful down there. You trying to ruin me for other women?”
His eyes are still closed, but his smirk is solidly in place.
“I didn’t mean to touch, well, touch you like that. I’m sorry,” I say, stumbling over my words.
“I’m not.” He opens his eyes. “No harm done.” He lifts the sheet up. “Look.”
It’s like a dare. I can’t stop myself from peeking, but I get offended when I do. “Wow, so you find me so utterly unattractive that I can’t even give you morning wood? Don’t you get those from dreams? I’m real, and I can’t turn you on? Now you’ve destroyed the last shreds of self-esteem I held onto after Alejandro. Thanks.”
I start to get out of bed, feeling a full on pout coming, but he grabs my arm. “Let me just say that I’ve spent the last thirty minutes willing away all of my embarrassing reactions to being in bed with you. You don’t even want to know the horrid and ludicrous thoughts it took to not scare you with all my morning glory. And Hayley, don’t ever compare me to your ex.”
His tone is straight, not teasing any more, and it makes me look at his face. He’s serious, so I say, “I wasn’t. I didn’t mean to insinuate—”
“He hurt you. I won’t ever hurt you.”
“You won’t. I know you won’t. I trust you.”
He pulls me back to him and holds me. My ear is pressed
against his chest as I listen to every strong heartbeat and repeat, “I trust you.” I do too, so much.
We leave it there. The whispered words are the glue holding us together.
Nick takes off after breakfast and his absence is felt immediately. The day is long and quiet with him gone. The night is starting to take over as my thoughts turn to Alejandro.
He’s my past. That much is apparent to me now. He was never meant to be my future. He hurt my pride on New Year’s, but we wouldn’t have lasted much longer anyway. Maybe that’s what makes this easier to deal with. Someone who truly loved me wouldn’t have cheated on me. Love shouldn’t weigh us down, it should lift us up.
Nick lifts me up.
Alejandro and I never made a good couple. We fought all the time, and I got complacent. We broke up once before, but this time, it’s different. This time I don’t care because I’m willing to acknowledge the truth now. I’ve loved Nick all along, but suppressed those feelings because we were never available at the same time. We are now for the first time since college, but should we risk our friendship?
I curl up in bed and flick on the television, but I don’t make it to the first commercial break before I think of Nick again and wonder if he’s with Jennifer tonight. The thought upsets me and the phone is ringing before I decide it’s probably best if I don’t bother him. I hang up quickly. Right when I set the phone down, it rings in my hand.
Nick.
“Hey,” I answer, trying for nonchalance.
“Hi, you called?”
“Oh, it’s nothing. Sorry for bothering you.”
I’m about to say good-bye when he says, “No bother. What’s up?”
I don’t know what I should say here. I miss you and want to know if you’re missing me? Are you with Jennifer? Are you alone? “I was just thinking about you.” I take a deep breath to calm my nerves.
“I’ve been thinking about you, too.”
“You have?”
“That surprises you?”
“Kind of. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m not even sure why I called, Nick.”
“I’m glad you did. It’s been kind of awkward between us this week.”
“Yeah,” I say. I don’t like where we are with things, either. We’re in limbo. “This morning—”
“Let’s not rehash that. I’m suffering from an extreme case of embarrassment. I shouldn’t have come over last night. Sorry about that.”
“I liked that you did, and I want you to come over again if you want.” A wall begins to form around my heart, preparing me for rejection.
“I’ll be over in fifteen minutes.”
And he is.
When I open the door, he’s standing there in an old and wrinkled concert T-shirt and well-worn jeans and sneakers. The vibe between us is more organic, changing with every breath we take.
He steps inside then closes the door behind him. No words are shared between us as he moves closer. I stay still, anticipation building. This is my chance. This is the time to tell him how I really feel. “Nick—”
He cups my face gently and kisses me as his strong arms hold me in place. He must not know how much I want to be here or realize how much I want us to happen.
When our kiss ends, we open our eyes. I’m out of breath and a bit stunned, but smiling. I’m in love with him, and my heart leaps realizing it’s finally time for us to be together.
“If you’re getting back with Alejandro, tell me now, Hayley.”
“What?” I ask, taken aback. “What are you talking about?” His words are confusing and oddly demanding.
His warm hands disappear from my cheeks and he begins pacing in front of me. The swiftness of his words match the speed of his feet. “You need to realize that you don’t have to be with him. He doesn’t deserve you, and you shouldn’t settle. He never loved you like—”
I’m furious he’s ruining our moment. “Like what? What are you talking about? I don’t understand why you’re even thinking about Alejandro. Why is he on your mind when you’re kissing me? I wasn’t thinking about Jennifer when I was kissing you!”
“Because you already know deep down nothing is going to happen with her. But what you don’t seem to know is that you’re better than Alejandro.” He raises his voice as anger seeps into his tone. “You should expect more than a guy who doesn’t even care to try to be the boyfriend you deserve. Why can’t you see that? He’s just the asshole who didn’t realize what he had until it was gone. Open your eyes, Hayley!”
I know this is coming from a place of concern. I can hear it in his words. He’s so caught up in what I might do that he’s not seeing what I am doing, who I’m choosing. “I may have originally thought we’d get back togeth—”
He takes me by the wrists, leans down until he’s eye-level with me, looks me straight in the eyes, and says, “You have other options.”
His words cut through the argument and hit me in the heart. Options. “I know what I want. My heart knows—”
“You don’t get it.” He sighs. His voice is soft now, the pain of us fighting, evident. “And I wonder if you ever will.” He shakes his head and walks to the door. With his back to me, hand on the knob, and head angled down, he says, “I’m going. I think we’ve said enough.”
I let him go, needing time to process what just happened and why we’re fighting. “My heart knows you’re the one.” I finish saying what I intended to, the words needing to be said even if it is to a closed door. He’s seen me through countless, faceless relationships and he’s hated every last one of them. Just like I’ve never liked his girlfriends.
Well, I kind of liked Suzanne, but that’s different. They never got serious.
The cycle continues. Our relationship plays over in my head for hours until I rationalize all of my worries of admitting my feelings for him were based on what I feared the most—rejection. That’s what that fight was about. Those were his fears surfacing as well. He’s afraid I’ll pick Alejandro over him. I need to tell him everything. I’ll put myself out there to wipe his fears away. That’s what he needs, and I realize now that’s what he wanted.
Chapter 7
“Hello?” His voice is tired, but I can tell he wasn’t sleeping.
“Can I come over?”
I hear him take a short and staggered breath. “Yes.”
Driving to his apartment takes no time, which is convenient now that I’ve decided to throw caution to the wind and risk everything to confess my love to my best friend of the last seven years.
The door opens and he smiles. It’s not huge, but it is reflective of the late hour and our current situation. “Hi,” he says then clears his throat to get the grogginess out.
“You said I have other options.” Now he’s the one confused as I confess. I move closer, keeping my focus on his face, unsure of his reaction. “But I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong. I don’t have other options.”
He gulps as he closes his eyes tightly then reopens them. They’re watery, so I decide to lay it all out there. I’ll expose my heart and my feelings for him because he deserves it. He’s worth the potential rejection.
I step forward, fist his shirt in my hands, and pull him closer. I’m relieved he doesn’t fight me. He doesn’t fight this draw between us. “There is no other option for me. There never has been.”
He raises his eyebrows and smirks. “Yeah?”
I nod. My heart is filled with love and my cheeks heat from the excitement of wanting to share it with him. I just hope beyond hope that he understands what I’m getting at.
Nick grabs me by the hips and smooshes me to him. “No other option, huh?”
“You’re the only and the best.”
“Best friends?”
“The best of everything.” I take a deep breath. Here goes. “I don’t want to be just your best friend any more. I want more. I want to be your girlfriend and one day, I want to be more. I also don’t want to say the wrong thing here, so I’m going to shut up now.”
My heart thumps faster as he takes my hands. His Adam’s apple bounces from the two gulps he takes while moving closer.
“I want to kiss you now. I want to kiss you—”
“Good and proper?”
He chuckles. “Yes, absolutely. Good and proper like you deserve.” He wraps his arms around me. “I love you, Hayley. I’ve been in love with you for what feels like forever.”
Yes, it does feel like forever, because I love him a million times over. I blurt it out, not able to contain my excitement any longer. “I love you, too. I’ve always loved you so much.”
“You’ve always been the prettiest girl I’ve ever known. I think you’re the sexiest, too.”
“I like your honesty.”
“I like your everything,” he replies.
I tug him even closer as his lips almost touch mine. “Kiss me.”
He does, and it makes my whole body tingle.
The emotions of the moment overwhelm me.
“When did you start blushing?”
“It’s new, like us. The way you look at me makes me blush.”
“I’ll never look at you any differently. You’re the most beautiful woman to me. You always have been.”
I hear the sincerity in his tone when he says that. The playful banter we have, the teasing we do, I don’t hear that at all. He’s genuine and true, vulnerable to what the future holds for us, just like I am. I want to ask him so many questions, but it’s three in the morning and I’m coming down from the adrenaline rush of earlier. “Let’s go to bed,” I whisper.
“You work fast. Did I ever tell you I like fast girls?”
“You’re right.” I laugh as he kisses the top of my head. “Seven years might be moving a little too fast. Maybe we should slow it down a bit.”
Pressing his lips against my ear, he whispers, “Never. I’m never going to take it slow with you.”
I turn and kiss him again, loving the feel of his lips against mine. “I’m counting on that.”
