by Amy Cross
"I don't feel particularly honored," I reply, looking over my shoulder again. I keep thinking I might spot Vanguard or Sharpe; it's hard to believe that they could have just abandoned me like this. At the same time, if they were in the Citadel when it was destroyed, there's a chance that they've been killed or buried alive.
"You'll see," Natalia continues. "There is no need for fear, Claire. Fear is irrelevant. You are simply going to be returned to your previous form. Believe it or not, the fear you feel now is as nothing compared to the fear you doubtless felt when you first changed from being a book to being a human. All you need to do is -"
"Thanks," I reply, interrupting her, "but you're really not helping."
"You resent the fact that I am forcing you to take this course of action?" she asks.
"That's one way of putting it," I say. "You're going to turn me over to these Forbidder creatures, and somehow you seem to think I should be grateful."
"You will serve the purpose for which you were born."
"I'd rather choose my own purpose, thanks," I tell her, "and it definitely wouldn't involve being turned into a book and given to a bunch of... things."
"You don't understand," she says. "You have a human mind, and as such you can't work out how the seven worlds are interconnected. Human minds are weak and shallow, able to see only what manifests directly in front of them. You focus only on your physical body, and you neglect the other parts of your soul. However, this is not something with which you will have to struggle for too long. Once the process of transformation is complete, you will have no need of your old body." We walk on in silence for a moment. "You don't understand, do you?" she continues eventually. "You spent thousands and thousands of years in your original form, Claire. You sat on a shelf, ignored and for the most part un-read. Your pages had barely been turned in hundreds of years."
"Now that I can believe," I reply.
"It was only recently that you were transformed into a human," she says. "The body you possess at the moment is unnatural and wrong. It should never have happened, but soon everything will go back to how it once was."
"And what if I don't want to go back to that?" I ask. "What if I'm kinda happy with how things are? I mean, not every change has to be reversed, does it?"
Above, there's a loud cracking sound, and a bright light starts to shine in a ragged line from horizon to horizon. It's as if the sky itself has been split, and some kind of portal is being ripped open. The ground shakes for a moment, and a loud clap of thunder can be heard in the distance. The sky seems to be twisting and contorting, as if some unseen force is punching a hole in the air above us.
"Don't be scared," Natalia says with a smile. "This is how it should be."
"Who said anything about being scared?" I reply. "Pissed off, yeah. Angry, yeah. But scared?" I pause for a moment, as I realize that, yes, I'm scared; in fact, I'm terrified. "I'm not scared," I tell her, making a rather unconvincing attempt to sound relaxed.
"Believe it or not," Natalia says, "there was once a time when a human body would have been completely alien to you. Tell me honestly, Claire. Do you feel completely comfortable as you are? When you were in the human world, did you feel as if you belonged, or were you aware that there was something different about you?"
"Every human feels like that," I tell her. "It doesn't mean I wanted to leap up onto a bookshelf."
"But you sensed that you were in the wrong world?"
"It's so easy for you, isn't it?" I reply. "You just pledge your allegiance to your master, and that's your entire life sorted. You don't have to worry about your future. It's different in my world. We have to make our own choices."
"That sounds truly awful, Claire. It sounds as if everyone is lost, all the time. Tell me, do most people manage to find their true calling eventually, or are they all destined to flail around, struggling to fit in? Is your world filled with misery and loneliness?"
I open my mouth to reply to her, but then I realize she might have a very slight point. After all, my feelings of not fitting in at home weren't exactly unusual. Every single person I ever met was struggling with the same problem, and questioning their sense of self. I can see why the Grandapam approach, of accepting your position in life and simply working to please your master, might be appealing. At the same time, I could never be like Natalia. I can't help thinking that her view of the world is absurdly simplistic, as if she thinks there's a neat slot for everyone. She and the rest of the Grandapams seem unable to view the world as anything other than a simple, one-time choice that governs the way they spend the rest of their lives.
"It doesn't matter what I say," she continues. "You'll see for yourself that it's true. There'll be a moment where you'll think back to me and realize that everything I've told you is for your own good. You're not from the human world, Claire. You're from this place, and the rules here are very different."
High above us, the crack in the sky is getting wider, but it's also changing shape, as if it's turning into a huge, rippling sphere of energy. A cold wind is starting to blow along the aisle, and despite the brightness from above, there's a strange kind of dusk descending upon the Library. It genuinely feels as if we're walking straight into the end of the world, and I can't shake the feeling that Natalia's being a little too optimistic. She thinks she can just hand me over, and the Forbidders will set everything straight. I'm not convinced, but although I'm trying to think of a way out of this situation, I'm starting to run out of time. If Vanguard isn't going to leap out from behind the shelves and save me, I'm going to have to take matters into my own hands. Not being an expert in these things, I can only think of one way out: if I can climb up the shelves and reach the top, I might be able to avoid the Grandapams for long enough to get away.
"Have you ever had to face fear?" Natalia asks, smiling as if she sees herself as some kind of benevolent force who's going to teach me an important lesson. Frankly, I want to wipe that smile from her face.
"Not really," I reply. "Only that time when I had to have an operation on my spine, and there was a chance I'd never be able to walk again. I mean, that was kinda scary. And painful." We walk on in silence for a moment. "Don't talk to me," I say eventually. "I don't want to hear all this crap you keep coming out with. You're just trying to justify things that I'll never, ever understand, so it's best if we just draw a line under it, okay?"
"But I'm only -"
"Please?" I continue. "Just... keep it to yourself. It doesn't help."
"I'll never understand humans," she says after a moment. "You claim to be so emotional, yet you often fall silent when you're upset."
"Go figure," I reply.
Smiling, as if she's humoring me, Natalia falls silent, and we walk like this for a while as the sky continues to churn. Up ahead, the clouds seem to be forming around a kind of shining white sphere, the brightness of which is making the rest of the Library seems darker and colder. There's a kind of vibration running through the ground, and it's clear that we're getting closer and closer to our destination. If I don't do something soon, it's going to be too late and I'll end up right in the heart of this thing. Taking a deep breath, I decide it's now or never. We walk for a few more paces, and then suddenly I turn and start climbing as fast as possible up the shelves.
"Claire!" Natalia calls after me. "What do you think you're doing?"
I don't reply. I just keep climbing. As I get closer to the top, I glance over my shoulder and see that Natalia and the Grandapams are just standing around and watching me. I continue to climb, but just as I reach the top, I feel a sudden burst of energy in my face; losing my grip on the shelves, I fall back down to the ground, slamming into the hard soil.
"The time for escaping is over," Natalia says calmly. "You're already in their dominion, Claire, and it's useless to keep fighting. However, it might please them to see that you have spirit, so please feel free to make another attempt. One must always amuse one's masters whenever possible."
Getting to my feet, I
start walking again. There's a rising sense of panic in my chest now, since my one chance of escaping has ended in total failure. Barring the sudden intervention of Vanguard, I can't think of a way to get out of this situation.
"No," I say suddenly, coming to a halt.
"No?" Natalia asks, stopping and turning to me.
"I'm not doing it," I reply. "I'm not going to this place, whatever it is. I'm not letting this happen."
"You have no choice."
"What if I just turn around?" I stare at her for a moment, desperately trying to think of a way to escape. "What if I just... refuse to walk?" Even as the words leave my mouth, I know how weak they sound.
"This is not the time to -" Natalia starts to say.
"I'm going back," I reply, turning and starting to walk away. I get a few paces back along the aisle, but I quickly feel Natalia's arm on my shoulder.
"Claire," she says, "this is not going to work."
"You can't make me do this," I reply, still walking. "You can't -"
Suddenly she grabs me, turning me forcefully while another Grandapam grabs my legs. I try to kick him away, but he's got me held too tightly, and I'm quickly carried along the aisle.
"I'm sorry it has to come to this," Natalia says, "but we gave you the option to walk to your fate on your own two legs, and you clearly need a more forceful approach."
Still trying to get loose, I wriggle in an attempt to slip from their grasp.
"Is this how you want it to be?" Natalia continues. "No grace? No honor or nobility?"
"Get the fuck off me!" I shout at her. Finally getting one of my legs free, I kick the other Grandapam in the face, but he barely flinches; instead, he reasserts his grip on my body and glances at me with a kind of disdain in his eyes.
"Violence will solve nothing," Natalia tells me.
"I swear to God," I tell her, "if I ever -"
"We're here," she says, as she and the other Grandapams stop. Seconds later, I'm dropped onto the ground. "Claire," Natalia continues, "welcome to your fate."
As I stand up and turn to look ahead, I see that we're almost directly under the eye of the storm, which swirls and cracks above us. A section of the Library seems to have been torn away, with its shelves ripped back, while there are some men standing over in the center of the clearing. With Natalia slowly leading me forward, I have to shield my eyes from the intense light that burns and broils just a little way above the ground, and a freezing cold wind is howling around us.
"This is her?" asks a male voice from nearby.
"This is her," Natalia says.
"Then what are we waiting for?" the male voice continues. "Let us begin the transfer."
Vanguard
"How long has it been?" Fig asks, her voice resonating in the darkness. "Time passed so slowly for me while I was in that little room, I'm afraid I've quite lost the ability to measure the separation of one moment from the next. I know it has been many, many years, though. I know a lot has happened since the last time I saw you, Vanguard, and I know that we have both changed. We must have, mustn't we? Creatures such as us must always evolve, or we'll die."
She slithers close to me, endlessly circling my position but never quite coming close. I imagine she is still trying to determine my health, to decide whether or not she can strike at me. I'm certain she would like to gain her revenge, to settle a few scores from the past, but she knows better than to underestimate my strength.
"You're very quiet," she continues after a moment. "I can tell that you're still breathing, and I can feel the warmth from your beating heart, so I can only assume that you're sulking. Could that be true? You are Vanguard, you..." She pauses. "Oh, now what was that phrase you always used to trot out when you were trying to impress people. You are a Lord of the House of Lacanth. You have slain a thousand men... well, I suppose that number has probably increased a little since we last met. You've led armies around the entire circumference of the Library, and you've fought among the Soldiers of Tea. Yes, that was your list of achievements, was it not?"
Remaining silent, I reach down and feel my injured leg. The bone is already healing, and I'm confident I will be back to full strength soon.
"Is this the same sword you always used to have?" she asks. "How sweet, that you keep the same weapon year after year? Are you superstitious, Vanguard? There are certainly a lot more dents. I used to know the surface of this sword so well, back when it was clean and had only one or two minor pock marks. Now it is clearly old and damaged, yet still you grip the hilt. When you stole this sword from me, I assumed you would only use it temporarily, until you could get your hands on something better. Why do you still have this old thing? Does it have sentimental value?"
She slithers closer, and finally I feel her hand on my shoulder.
"All this metal," she continues. "You are so much bigger, Vanguard. So much uglier. Back when you were a young warrior among the Soldiers of Tea, you were constantly mocked for your small size. That's changed, though. You're a big, hulking man now. What happened? Why did you place so much metal beneath your skin?"
"I did not place it there," I reply, infuriated by her suggestion that I would be so vain, "and if I have retained this sword, it is merely because I have grown accustomed to its feel. Do not fool yourself into believing that I suffer from any sentiment or nostalgia."
"So where did the metal come from?" she continues, her hand moving along my shoulder and brushing against my neck. "Come on, Vanguard. You know you can talk to me. If it helps, try to imagine that our heads are rested on pillows, like the old days. Try to imagine that we have just done something energetic."
"I was captured," I tell her. "When the Soldiers of Tea were beaten in the Void-Space, I was the only one who was captured. The Drazi chained me up and threw me into an oubliette, and they simply forgot about me. No food, no water. They shut the door and left me there to die, deep underground, with no light."
"My poor dear Vanguard," Fig replies. "How awful that must have been for you."
"I came close to death," I continue. "At the time, I had no idea how long I remained in that infernal place. Later, I came to realize that it was close to two hundred years. I could not die, though. I could not allow myself to slip away from life itself, so I waited and I waited, and slowly I grew. I became bigger and stronger. I pushed my body, in that cramped little space, and soon I became stronger than I could ever have imagined. The chains remained in place, though, and slowly my flesh and muscle grew over the metal, drawing it into my body. When I finally broke free, the chains were inside me, and I could no longer get them out."
"So you still carry them around, under your skin?" Fig asks. "How wonderful, Vanguard. They must be so heavy."
"I was able to break down the door of the oubliette," I say, thinking back to that moment when I finally destroyed the door and emerged on a plain in the world of the Drazi. "I must have killed a thousand of their number that day. In the time since they captured me, they had grown weak and docile, and they certainly did not expect me to still be alive. Filled with rage, I killed all who stood in my way. Men, women, children... I spared no-one. My anger only ended when I fell through the link and into the void. I should have died, but yet again I was lucky and I somehow landed back in this world. By the time I returned, however, everything had changed. The Library was at war."
"If I had known," Fig replies, "I would have waited for you. Well, I would have considered waiting for you. It certainly would have been an option. I simply assumed that you were dead. The remaining warriors of the Soldiers of Tea told me that you had been killed." She runs her fingers along my arm, feeling the bulges where metal chains mix with muscle beneath the skin. "There is a lake on the north side of the Citadel," she says eventually. "It's a new lake, and a small one. Some might say it's little more than a large puddle. The point, though, is that it was formed entirely from my tears. When I thought you were dead, Vanguard, I believed my life must surely also be over."
"There is no need for
such drama," I say firmly. "There is no reason why my death should have affected you in any way."
"Perhaps," she continues. "But sometimes, Vanguard, I think you under-estimated your own impact on the world. It was not so very long after your disappearance that the Soldiers of Tea began to lose their strength. One by one, the remaining members were picked off and killed. They recruited new members, but momentum was against them. They finally died shortly after the Forbidders arrived. I was not there at the time, but I hear from others that their skin was left hanging like confetti from the trees."
"They are all gone," I reply quietly.
"Not all," she says. "For one thing, you are back, which means that one of the original members has returned to this world. Also, and I imagine you will be surprised when you hear this, I was accepted into their order, shortly before they were killed. You and I, Vanguard. We're the last of the Soldiers of Tea. Think of the responsibility that we carry on our shoulders. That noble order has been revived, and it is up to us to prove that we can carry their legacy forward into the -"
"The Soldiers of Tea are dead," I say firmly. "You cannot simply dredge up the name and slap it onto any passing fools who wish to hold a sword. There is no way to go back to those days of honor. It is better to let the Soldiers of Tea rest, and to mark their legacy in some other way." Hauling myself to my feet, I feel that my body has mostly healed, with just a few cracks and dents here and there. "If you were planning to kill me," I tell Fig, "you are too late. I am no longer weak. The moment has passed."
"Is that what you thought I was doing?" she asks. "You thought I was circling you because I wished to strike at you?" She laughs. "I was protecting you. I was making sure that nothing else could get to you. Now that you're healed, I will extend my help a little further and help you find a way out of here, if you wish. The Citadel is destroyed, but I believe there is still much for you to do."
