I have to figure out how to give those pieces back and how to get her out of my head, for both our sakes. Knowing that she loves me, even if she hasn’t admitted it, it’s only making me do stupid things. Stupid things that I would never allow myself to do normally.
“Where we going? To find the pole?” she asks when the boat starts up.
“No, our fishing trip is done for the day,” I tell her with no emotion in my voice.
“What? Why?”
“We only had two poles, what are we going to do out here if you can’t fish?” I ask, glancing at her.
She shrugs. “I don’t know, but you paid for the boat for the day. Why let it go to waste over one silly fishing pole?”
“One silly pole? That was a two-hundred-and-fifty-dollar rod and reel, Mia!”
She flinches at my harsh tone. “Okay. I’m sorry. I’ll pay you back for it. Geez.” She crosses her arms over her chest and rolls her eyes.
“That’s not the point,” I spit out.
Her brows pull together in confusion. “What’s the point then?”
I shake my head and let out an angry breath. “It doesn’t matter. Just… drop it.”
Neither of us talk as we return the boat and drive back to her apartment. As she starts to walk into the building, I lean against her car and cross my arms over my chest. She stops when she gets to the door, and she turns back to look at me, confused.
“I think I’m going to take a walk.”
“Suit yourself,” she mumbles, letting herself in.
I turn and walk away. I’ve only made it a few steps before I’m pulling out my phone and calling Levi.
“Hey, man. What’s going on?” he asks.
“I know you’re busy with that wife and daughter of yours, but let’s go get a couple of drinks. I need someone to talk to about all of this.”
“All of what?” he asks, and I can hear the nerves in his voice.
“Just, can you come get me? I’m walking away from Mia’s apartment building now.”
“Sure. Be there in a few,” he tells me before hanging up.
I continue my walk but keep at a slow pace. If I let my anger get to me, I’ll be power walking, and I’m sure Levi will never find me. I also don’t allow myself to think about Mia, my feelings for her, or why I’m angry about our situation and taking it out on her. Everything is just so fucked up. I don’t know what to do about any of it. I need Levi to put things into perspective for me, get an outsider’s opinion of the whole thing.
About ten minutes later, he’s pulling up beside me. I open the door and slide into the passenger seat.
“Hey,” Levi says when I close the door.
“Sup?” I mumble as he hits the gas and takes off.
“Not much. Not anything like what you got going on, anyway. Want to tell me what’s up?”
I nod. “I will, once we’re at a bar, and I can wash these feelings away with a stiff drink.”
He focuses his eyes on the road and doesn’t ask any more questions on the drive.
Once we’re finally at a bar, we take a seat in a back booth, and we both order a beer with a shot of tequila. We have idle chit-chat while we wait for our drinks, talking about the rustic feel of the bar, the choice of country music, and the live band that’s playing out on the patio. The doors are closed, so the only time we hear the live music is when someone is coming in or out, but the tone and tempo sound exactly like the soft country music coming from the speakers inside.
The waitress places both our drinks on the table, and we pick up the shot glass first. “Here’s to years of friendship,” Levi says, clanking his shot against mine. We toss them back, and as he washes his down with a gulp of beer, I motion for two more shots, not ready to lose that burn just yet.
“Come on, Trent. Spill it,” Levi says, leveling his eyes on me.
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. I guess it’s time. “I fucked up, man,” I confess.
He chuckles. “So, what else is new?”
I shake my head. “No, like I really fucked up this time.”
“What do you mean?” His jaw flexes as his eyes focus on mine.
“Mia. I’m fucking in love with Mia, and I think she loves me too.”
He smiles wide. “That’s great, man. Why are you so upset?”
“Because I can’t be falling in love with Mia, and we both know it.”
“Why not?” he asks.
I scoff. “Why not? Because I do nothing but travel the world for work. How can I be in a relationship if I’m not even in the same fucking country as her?”
He nods, suddenly understanding. “Well, what did she have to say about this?”
“I haven’t asked her. She deserves more. She deserves someone who will be here for her. Someone who can come running if she gets sick and needs someone to take care of her. She should get to spend every night, cuddled up in arms of the person she loves. I don’t want her waiting up by the phone to talk to me when I wake up, just for it to be two A.M. here.”
“Okay,” he nods. “But why don’t you find a local job?”
I hang my head. “Last year, I talked to Mia, and she was telling me about this new guy she was getting serious with. It broke my heart because it meant we’d never be together, but it also made me happy that she’d finally found someone. So, in a moment of weakness, I signed a new contract. I’m stuck with my company for the next four years.”
“Trent,” Levi breathes out, shaking his head.
I nod. “I know. It was stupid. But I thought it was what I needed. I thought that if I gave her this time, she’d fall in love, get married, and it would be forever over between us. That I would be free.”
He laughs out of amazement. “You’re so stupid sometimes, man.”
“I know,” I agree as I pick up my second shot and toss it back. “And to top it all off, I got all angry with her earlier about a fishing pole. She probably hates me right now, and I still have to go back over there and get my bag.”
He laughs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “You know you ain’t getting out of there without a fight.”
“I know. But honestly, I guess I kind of deserve it. I was a dick. I didn’t mean to. I was just so annoyed. I love her, and I know she loves me, but I can’t have her—not in the way I want. And I can’t keep things how they are now. That’s only going to hurt the both of us. She wants more. I want more. But I can’t give her anything more than what I’m already giving her.”
He shrugs. “Maybe she’ll be cool with the long-distance thing?”
“It’s not enough. It won’t ever be enough. The longer we’re together, the worse it will be. She’ll want more. I won’t be able to give her that. And then she’ll end up hating me and resenting me for wasting her life.” My head hangs and shakes at the same time. “Maybe I should just leave the clothes, let her stay mad at me. Ending it now, it’ll save us both a lot of time in the future.”
Levi reaches over and smacks the side of my head. “Are you that fucking stupid?”
My head snaps up, and my eyes find his. “What?”
“Go to her. Explain this shit to her the way you explain it to me and see what she has to say. It’s not that hard. Now, get up. I’m taking you back.”
“What? Wait,” I say, chasing after him.
Fuck my life. This isn’t going to be good. I expect her to smack me if nothing else.
9
Mia
THE door opens, and when I look over, Trent is walking in. I take a deep, calming breath and let it out, hoping it releases the anger, stress, and confusion trapped in my body, but it doesn’t.
“Are you going to tell me what your problem is?” I ask, placing my hand on my hip as it cocks to the side.
He shakes his head, causing his dark hair to fall into his face as he throws himself down on the couch. “It’s been a long night, Mia. Can we just talk about this in the morning?”
My mouth drops open. “You left me here, pissed off and angr
y with no reason, and now you want to wait until the morning because you’re too drunk to argue? Fuck no. You started this. I’m finishing it now.”
He looks up, his bloodshot, glassy eyes meeting mine. “It was nothing. I was angry because you lost the pole. The end.”
“Bullshit,” I call his bluff. “There is something going on that you don’t want to tell me about. Spill it. You don’t get to walk into my life, take advantage of me like you always have, and then leave when things start going south. I deserve an explanation.” I point at my chest.
He stands up. “You’re right. You do deserve an explanation. You deserve a lot more than I can give you. Don’t you see that? I fucking want you. I want you to be mine and only mine for the rest of my fucking life, but I can’t allow myself to take you. You deserve more than a guy who’s only in the city four times a year for a week at a time. You deserve someone who can run over the moment you call. You deserve to fall in love and get all that romantic shit you were telling me about. I can’t give you that.”
My anger simmers down. It’s no longer boiling over. Now, it’s replaced with pain. Are we doing this? This? This is why he’s been acting angry today? I want to argue with him, tell him he’s wrong. But I can’t because I know he’s right. I want Trent, but I want all of Trent, not what’s leftover when he finally has time between London, Tokyo, and Australia. I want to wake up in his arms. I want to make love, cuddle, and shower before separating in the morning to go to our own jobs. I want to meet back up in the evening and feel like no time has passed as we prepare dinner and enjoy a candlelit meal before falling back into bed, wrapped up in one another again. Trent can’t give me any of that. Could I settle for less?
Without thinking about what’s happening, I decide to let my body take over instead of overthinking every little thing. I jump into his arms, and my mouth lands on his. His strong arms wrap around me, not allowing me to fall as he holds me to him. His tongue slides into my mouth, dancing with my own as he presses my back to the front door. Now that I’m pinned between him and the cool metal door, and I’m not going anywhere, his hands begin to roam my body unabashedly. They’re everywhere all at once: my face, my neck, my breasts, my hips, thighs, the junction between my legs. At the rate they’re moving, it feels like he has four hands, not two.
I get busy with pulling his shirt up over his head and tossing it onto the floor. Our kiss only breaks for a moment before his lips are right back on mine. Already, we’re both breathless and panting, but that doesn’t make us pull apart. It just tells me how badly our bodies really need one another. I don’t know if Trent and I could ever work out. I don’t know if I could settle for what he has to offer me. But right now, I know that I’m angry, pissed off, stressed out, and totally in love with the guy that has held my heart since my freshman year of college. If we weren’t mean to be, this hold would’ve snapped by now, wouldn’t it?
The next thing I know, I’m stripped of my shirt and bra, and his hands are massaging my bare chest while his lips descend down my jaw and neck. He licks, sucks, and nips, all of which are causing goosebumps to prickle my skin. Every touch from him is lighting my flesh on fire with tiny shocks. Knowing that we can’t ever be together the way we want, it should be painful, but if anything, it’s bittersweet.
“Trent, take me to bed,” I plead.
He sucks my hard nipple into his mouth and flicks his tongue against it. “Are you sure?” he whispers against my skin.
“Please,” I beg. I didn’t say I’m sure because I’m not. I know this is just another mistake to toss in my not my best decisions pile, but at this moment, I don’t care. He’s giving me exactly what I need. Will he leave tomorrow? I don’t know. Will he leave next week? Yes. Will that leave me even more heartbroken than before? Probably. But I don’t care. I don’t care about any of it. The only thing I can even think about is how I feel right now, at this moment, and it seems the only time I ever feel this blissful is when I’m with him. I should take these moments as they come instead of running from them. I mean, a homeless man doesn’t refuse food because he knows he won’t have any tomorrow, does he? No. He takes what he can get and deals with the rest later. That’s what I’m going to do. I don’t care if it leaves me more broken.
He carries me to my room, and we crash onto the bed. Della meows loudly and runs from the room like she’s been lit on fire, but even that doesn’t cause us to pull apart. There’s no stopping us now. This, right here in this moment, reckless, in love, fueled by passion, this is us. This is all we’ve ever been, and it’s all we’ll ever be because neither of us can move on without the other. We’ll always be stuck here, taking what we can get from the other.
When he pushes into me, we both let out a content sigh of relief, just happy to have this feeling right now no matter how broken it will leave us in the end.
After several long hours of rolling around in bed, we have no choice but to emerge and fulfill our bodily needs. We take turns in the bathroom, then head for the kitchen for something to eat and drink. I think we both know this is something that needs to be talked about, but neither of us are making an effort to do so. Why complicate things? Right now, we’re enjoying ourselves while being trapped in our own little world.
“Have I ever made you one of my famous Long Island Iced Teas?” Trent asks as I’m making us both a grilled cheese.
I laugh. “They’re famous, huh?”
He nods, his smile only growing wider. “Oh yeah. These bad boys are known around the world.”
I shake my head as he gets busy, making our drinks. I take two plates and place our sandwiches on them, then move to find something to eat alongside it. I don’t have any fries or chips, but I find a bag of baby carrots in the bottom drawer of the fridge. I place a few on each plate, along with a few cherry tomatoes, broccoli florets, and cauliflower. We head back to the bedroom to cuddle in bed and eat.
I grab the remote and turn on the TV. “What do you want to watch?” I ask, sitting down and handing him his plate as he takes his place beside me.
He sets his plate down on the bed in front of him and then hands me my drink. “Nothing. Not until you try this magical concoction.” He wags his brows at me playfully.
I laugh but take the drink. “Okay,” I agree, placing the straw between my lips and taking a sip. It’s strong, but not so strong that it burns your throat. It has the perfect amount of sweet and sour and coke in it too, making it perfectly sweet and tart at the same time. “This is really good,” I say, taking another sip.
He offers up his panty-dropping smile. “Told ya.”
“This could get me in a lot of trouble.” I set the drink aside, opting to fill my stomach with food before alcohol.
He snorts. “We’re already married. What are you going to do?” he asks. His voice is more of a joking tone, but there’s a question again. What are we going to do?
He seems to pick up on my sudden awkwardness, and he diverts his eyes to the TV.
“Should we talk about this now or put it off another day?” I ask as I start flipping through movies on Netflix.
He looks over at me slowly, not meeting my questioning eyes. “Another day?”
I snicker and roll my eyes. It seems this is what we’re good at. Procrastinating, delaying the inevitable while getting drunk, and making bad decisions after bad decisions. I know it’s wrong to keep this vicious cycle going, but like I said, bad decisions. I let it slide as I put on an old movie we’ve seen at least a thousand times over the years.
“I love this movie,” he says, picking up half of his sandwich and taking a bite.
“I know,” I mumble, popping a cherry tomato into my mouth.
While we eat, and the movie plays in front of us, I have a hard time staying focused. I’m never this person. The person who puts off what needs to be handled today. I’m always prepared, always organized, and have everything well thought out. But when it comes to Trent, I can’t prepare for what happens when I’m around him. Caution is
thrown to the wind, and everything can wait until tomorrow—until my time with him ends. But this time, it can’t be that way. I mean, we’re married. We need to have a serious talk about what that means and what we’re going to do about it. Are we getting divorced? If we do, will that somehow end our friendship? If we don’t, will we be like a real married couple? Will he still be running off to his next job, or will he look for something local? Does he even want to marry me? I know he said he loved me, and while that’s a whole different can of worms I’m not ready to open right now, that still doesn’t mean he wants to marry me. And more importantly, do I want to be married to him?
I let out a sigh, and that gets his attention. “What’s that sound? You love this movie.” He reaches over and shakes my knee with his hand.
I force a smile. “I do,” I agree.
“Then… what? Why do you look sad, sweetheart?”
“Nothing,” I try, not wanting to ruin this time together, but he doesn’t buy it.
“Mia, I’ve known you for years. I know when something is bothering you. Just tell me what it is,” he pleads as he picks up my hand and presses a kiss on the top.
I let out a long, drawn-out breath. “Okay, Trent.” I place my plate on the bed and sit upright, turning to face him. “I’m the kind of person that never acts without thinking. And this marriage, it obviously wasn’t planned. So now, it’s driving me crazy. I mean, are we getting divorced, and if we do, what does that mean for our friendship? If we don’t, that just opens up so many more questions. I mean, truthfully, how do you feel about me?”
His Every Desire (Contemporary Romance Box Set) Page 64
