by Bowie, Emily
“Are you listening to yourself?” he asks, not masking any of his emotions. “You sound ungrateful,” he seethes. Kellen looks powerful and scary in this moment. I now understand why people have been so afraid of him. His dominance engulfs this room. Kellen is no longer the boy who flips off his football coach; he has a deep edge to him, one that draws people to it. I feel this draw wanting to do as he says, but I still try to plead my case.
“Our love isn’t one that can be replaced. You’re asking me to live a loveless life.”
“I think the choice is pretty obvious,” he tells me, opening his arms to showcase this room. The room that should have me shackled in its walls, not him. I look around, realizing that every choice I make can’t have Luke in it. Go to prison and leave Luke or go to college and leave Luke.
His warm hand lands on mine. “I wish it could be any other way but if you stay here the truth will come out. And then we both won’t be doing anything good with our lives. I don’t think our parents could handle three of their kids as fuck-ups.”
His words remind me of our oldest brother Rhett. The day he wanted to stop ranching and find a life of singing was the day our dad told him to move out, never accepting his passion.
“I don’t think I’m strong enough,” I tell him, starting to cry softly, knowing what my future will hold. I am crying for the girl who has lost her future and the loveless future she will have. I cry for my brother giving up everything so I can succeed. And I cry for being selfish, thinking my love is more important than the sacrifice Kellen is willing to make for me. The whole situation is fucked up. I want a life for myself, just not the one Kellen is telling me I need to have.
“I know you can do this. Tell Luke that Ma is making you go to college. Tell him you don’t love him. You need to do both. It’s not fair for him to wait for a girl who never plans to return back home.”
I want to say I do plan on returning, but even I know it won’t be anytime soon. It’s also not fair for me to string him along for a slight possibility of being together in many years to come. Luke deserves the best, and sadly, I can’t offer him the best. I took that away from us and myself.
It’s time I own up to my mistake and do what Kellen tells me. Or I need to do the alternative, which is speak up and confess.
“I love you, Shay.” Kellen picks up my hand and gives the top a kiss. “You can tell them I will see the lawyer now.”
“Thank you.” Are my final parting words as I leave the room, knowing that this will be the last time I am in Three Rivers for a long time.
I stand at the door, trying to memorize Kellen’s facial features. Childhood memories of Kellen and I bounce into my heart, making my chest hurt. My palm pushes onto it, trying to alleviate the pressure in this moment.
I vow that I will try to make this up to him one day, somehow. The door opens sooner than I would have liked and I am ushered out of the room.
The pain in my chest hurts so much that I honestly think a hole is emerging in my heart. A deep black one that no one and nothing will ever be able to put back together. If this is my punishment I will accept it, because it is still far too kind.
My feet move with each step but it feels like I am walking on air. I glide out into the waiting room, seeing my family torn to shreds with grief, frustration, and confusion. That tightness in my chest keeps expanding, going right up into my throat. I can’t be around them. I head straight for the exit, needing fresh air to collect my thoughts.
CHAPTER 34
I have paced the one step in front of the police station for half an hour. Kellen wouldn’t do this. Something is up. I know deep down he is innocent. The rumors have already started with Officer Rhodes catching him red-handed. Kellen is a lot of things but a murderer isn’t one of them. The Steeles must be going crazy out of their mind, I know I am.
I see Shay open the door to leave, no one behind her. She must be a wreck going through all this. She and Kellen are closer than any siblings I have ever seen. Even with how things have been left with the three of us, I know Shay will always have his back. Just as I feel. We will… My thought stops there. I have no idea what we will do.
Fuck. My hand goes though my blond hair, meeting Shay halfway. She looks tired, as tired as I am. I immediately wrap my hands around her, pulling her in.
As soon as we embrace she unleashes all of her stress into one gigantic sob. Her whole body shakes as she cries it out. I hold her tight without saying a word, my hand running through her long dark hair.
“We won’t give up on him,” I finally tell her once her sobs die down to small sniffles. Her body stiffens at my words and she begins to pull away from me.
“He did it, Luke,” she tells me, her eyes red and bloodshot. “There is nothing else to do.” Her words are cold and catch me off guard.
“Don’t give up,” I try to tell her, knowing it’s her lack of sleep talking.
Her body shakes uncontrollably and she tries to push me away. “Luke, you don’t get it. The gun was in his hand, he’s confessing.” Her voice is like sandpaper, scratching me everywhere, not sitting right. As I move back to look at her face better, her tiny arms manage to pull free from my embrace. A chill runs though my body, the one you get before something bad happens.
“It’s not true.” It can’t be. But everything on her face is telling me that it is true. Kellen took a life. Shay’s face tells me she isn’t taking this well. Guilt and anger flashes through her, she looks like what I would expect Kellen to be emulating.
She begins to back away from me, her steps heavy as she shakes her head. Her eyes telling me not to follow. I’m left stunned before I run back up to her. Grabbing her wrist I pull her in, but she fights to keep her arm free.
The once beautiful day has begun to darken, almost anticipating the mood of this sleepy town. The clouds roll in and the wind begins to blow Shay’s hair around. I watch as she fights to keep it from in front of her face.
“I’m sorry.” Her beautiful face is full of sadness, her words sounding like they are laced with so much more meaning.
“What do you mean you’re sorry, Shay?” I reach for her hand again but she pulls her body away from my reach.
“This can’t work.” Her words don’t match her facial expression, leaving me confused.
“What can’t work?” For each step I take, she takes one back. My breaths are shallow as I wait, worried about what she is trying to tell me.
“We can’t work.” Her body shrugs, her face looking sadder than I have ever seen. I don’t believe her.
“What is this about? Kellen?” The girl who was in my arms last night loved me and would never leave me. The girl who stands in front of me now, just mere hours later, is not that same girl. There is no shine in her eyes. The air is thick around us, suffocating.
“I’m leaving for school next Saturday.” In that instant my heart stops, the last bit of breath I was keeping gushes out, like I have been sucker punched.
“We had a plan. I love you,” I say, seeing my world fall apart around me. It’s the same feeling I had when I watched my dad being lowered into the ground.
“It’s not enough.” Her eyes are wild, her hair is all over the place, her lips are flattened as she stands her ground.
“We both know you are full of shit.” I’m hurt and lashing out but it’s still true. It was enough for her.
“I don’t love you.”
Again, my chest heaves at her words. I watch her lips move with each word as she lies to my face, slicing my heart.
“Is Kellen making you say this?” I am left standing, watching the girl of my dreams slowly walk away from everything we have.
“This morning made me realize what is important in life. I need to go to school. Three Rivers and you can’t be my priority.”
“I can wait.” I’m very aware that I am on the verge of begging for the love of my life not to leave me.
“I can’t wait. I want to see who else is out there for me.”
; Lies, all lies. Each of them crushing me, making me wish I was the one going to jail or six feet under. Either way, I have no reason left to live. Each of her lies kicks me to the ground. She is my everything. I have nothing once she leaves.
I have no idea what happened from the time I dropped her off to now. My only regret is that I didn’t stay with her. I think of what I could have done to show her how much I love her.
Wiping my eyes with the back of my sweater, I turn to head back home. Another of my disappointments. The failing ranch that will soon go under because I’m not the rancher my dad was. Even my mother doesn’t want to stay home much anymore.
CHAPTER 35
Walking away from Luke has been the hardest thing in my life. I hate being home, I hate being in Three Rivers. My family is a mess, the house eerily silently and thick with emotion and judgment. My ma still cries whenever she thinks about Kellen, which is often. I have never seen her cry so much. My dad has been out working all hours of the day and night. I have never seen him so little in my life. After Cynthia was pronounced dead at the hospital, Brax began to walk around like a ghost. Only his shell is left in his place. I have tried to call Rhett to let him know what has happened and just to talk. After leaving three messages, I gave up. It’s pointless.
Even my beloved watering hole is too painful to go to. All I can think about is Kellen and Luke there, and then that moment. The moment that stole everything from me.
As graduation looms ahead of me, the day comes out flat. The significance of graduation used to represent hope, growing up, and freedom, allowing me to be with Luke. Now all it seems like is a ball and chain roped around me.
When I walk across the stage, Kellen’s name is not called before mine. I can feel Luke’s eyes on me, burning craters into my skin. I keep my focus in the opposite direction, but when I let my guard down I can’t help but to steal a look. His face is rigid and hardened, still trying to make sense of me and my decision. I’m weak and let my eyes fall to his mouth, which is set in a firm line. I force a small twitch of my lips, trying to smile, trying to act unaffected by my choice.
“I would like to announce Three Rivers’ newest graduating class!” the principal cheers into the microphone. Everyone throws their caps into the air and hug whoever is closest to them.
Jessica and Molly wrap their arms around me in celebration, and I fake my bliss, hugging them back. Only for me it is all goodbyes.
In my daze we pose for pictures like all typical graduates. Luke’s mom even comes to find me, giving me a big hug.
“Luke, Shay, I need a picture.” She pulls us together and he wraps his arm around me. He doesn’t understand and I can never explain it to him. I hope one day he can forgive me.
We stand stiff, and I can’t stop my shoulder from shaking. I count down from five, trying to get myself under control. Out of the corner of my eye I watch him look down at me, and I can’t get away from him fast enough.
“On three,” his mom announces before I smile big for the camera as the picture is snapped.
“We need to talk.” His voice is hoarse in my ear, his hand tighter on my shoulder, like he knows I plan to run away from him.
I wait for his mom to busy herself with my parents before I tug myself away from him.
“There is nothing to talk about, Luke.” I brush him off, trying not to draw attention toward us. I’m sure I must look more like a bitch than unaffected, as I had wanted.
“Bullshit,” he scoffs, pulling me toward some trees to give us a small shred of privacy.
Then his lips are crushing onto mine. He doesn’t wait for my permission and takes what he wants, pushing my lips apart with his tongue. My throat releases a moan as his hand wraps around my back, bringing me snug to him.
His lips are warm, and I am no longer in control of my body. I allow for him to take over, knowing I don’t have the strength to tell him no. My heart only beats for this one man, and it’s breaking both of our hearts.
My heart is beating out of my chest as I gasp for air. The intensity of the kiss bringing my body to life. But I know I need to stop this. This isn’t fair to Luke.
I finally muster the strength to let him go. “This is goodbye,” I tell him. He reaches for me but I don’t allow for it by walking away, refusing to turn around to see him one more time.
This day has only been a stepping stone to get the hell out of town, but never for the reason I once had thought it would mean.
Tears fall from my eyes as do some of the others around me. The only difference is my tears are not for joy. They represent the life I am now forced to live. And I did this myself. A stolen moment was all it took to transform my future into something completely different.
CHAPTER 36
Year One
They say the first cut is the deepest. Cutting all my ties from Three Rivers cut a piece of my soul out, leaving it behind.
Throwing myself into my studies, I will myself to forget the love of my life, Luke Rogers. I had to delete all my social media because I found myself stalking Luke’s untouched pages, hoping for a glimpse of what he is up to. I would scroll over all of his old photos, looking at anyone in Three Rivers just for a chance to see him. If I could see him, I told myself I could let him go. I promised myself when I saw that smile he typically only reserved for the people he cared about I would know he is fine and that I could truly let him go. I need him to be happy. Deep down I know it’s only for my selfishness. It makes my guilt lessen. And if he can move on, then I have to.
I’ve started to write a letter to Kellen but the pen just sits, unable to scroll across the page. There is nothing to be said now. He saved my life so I can have one. I need to make his sacrifice worth it.
Picking up my phone for the millionth time makes me realize how strong my obsession for Luke is. It drives me crazy that I can’t see him anywhere on the Internet, it’s like he’s erased himself completely after I left. The only thing I have left is our text messages. I have memorized every line, as I have dissected it. What did each message mean, how would this fall have gone with us together?
“Don’t tell me you’re re-reading your ex’s text messages.” My roommate rolls her eyes at me, but she’s not doing it to be mean. She thinks that Luke dumped me and I’m a lovesick puppy. I let it roll because it’s easier for her to think that.
I watch helplessly as she grabs my phone out of my hands, I hate her and love her in this moment. Someone needs to take control of the situation. Raya seems to be the perfect friend for the job. She takes no shit from anyone and does it with grace and a smile.
“You have not left this room since you got here.” Her hands are on her hips as she begins her lecture. I don’t want to leave this ten by ten room. We have had this conversation before.
The last time she took my phone away she hid it on me, this time she taps the screen. I shrug. It needs to be taken away. Then she shows me the screen. The red delete screen is swiped over and her finger hovers around it.
“No!” I jump up from my bed so fast my ears ring from the sudden movement. My eyes begin to swell. “You can’t!” She can’t take the last part of Luke away from me. I still need him.
In slow motion I watch with horror as her finger slams down on my phone as the other arm keeps me at bay.
“It’s for your own good,” she tells me after tossing the phone back on the bed. I can’t help it, I cry. I cry like the phone is dead because there is no longer a Luke and Shay. For the first time I am forced to accept the repercussions of what I did. I deserve this. I am a horrible person. I tell myself that I need to accept this as my punishment because I am getting off easy. Too easy. It’s time I grow up and act like a college student. Time to be an adult.
But that doesn’t stop my throat burning with anger and my eyes clogging up with millions of tears. It takes me no more than a few seconds to pick up the phone and hurl it against the wall. It’s useless to me now.
Raya doesn’t allow me to wallow in self-pity. Her hands ar
e on my shoulders, picking me up and directing me into our bathroom.
“You have ten minutes to shower before I am coming in there to make you finish.” She slams my door, leaving me speechless. I consider sitting on the toilet to continue my pity party, but I know she will come in here and strip the clothes off me and throw me under cold water. The thought of cold water is all I need to get my ass moving again.
The warm spray feels good on my skin, I can hear the door open and see some clothing being tossed into the small room. Apparently, she feels she needs to choose my clothes for me, too.
Raya drags me to a karaoke night, making me sit with a bunch of other students. I have no interest in being here but I fake it.
I even end up laughing, which only makes me die a little bit inside. I shouldn’t be laughing when Kellen is in jail and I can no longer be with Luke. But I need to live too, right? The thoughts tear me apart.
“Cheers!” Everyone at the table clinks their glasses together. The grenadine from my Singapore Sling mixes around as I take my first sip. It’s sweet and goes down smooth. I drink to forget. By the time I finish my second I am enjoying myself.
The table is full of chatter, everyone smiling, happy to be enjoying their college experience. Raya has cozied up to a cute guy who she is trying to get to dance. I watch her flirt and have fun; her only worry is who will dance with her. I can see the moment the guy caves and her bright smile takes over.
“Shay, hold my phone?” she asks, sliding it over to me along with her half-filled drink. I slip it into my purse that has stayed nestled under my arm.
“Hey.” I turn to see one of the most good-looking guys I have come across. He’s pretty, perfectly symmetrical, and has perfect teeth; his hands are not calloused but smooth.
My hand shakes his. “Shay,” I introduce myself.
“Ryker.”
“We have English together,” he tells me. I’m pretty sure I have never seen him before.
