“Let’s sit.” He motioned toward a ten foot tall lifeguard stand.
We climbed up, took a seat and suddenly had nothing to say. An awkward silence hung in the air before Jordan commented on the endless sand and water under the stars. The setting felt very intimate, although we could still see the crowd and hear shouts every now and again.
“Stephanie.”
Something about the thick, rich emotion in his voice, made my heart leap. I looked up at him expectantly.
“You’ve really grown up,” he said before looking away. I couldn’t help but feel that wasn’t what he originally planned to say.
“Thank you.” I smiled.
“I can’t believe I’m here with you.” He gave me a sly sideward glance.
“You mean the beach?” Why is it I say the most ridiculous things to him?
He chuckled and moved his hand to the nape of my neck, where he ran his fingers through a few loose strands of hair. I gasped. His touch sent me soaring high in the air, waiting with baited breath for the fall back to earth. He’d disarmed me and now I sat beside him defenseless, which was as exhilarating as it was terrifying.
“You look . . . ” he looked me up and down with a hunger I’d never seen in his eyes, “incredible.”
My lips curled and I smiled coyly. I couldn’t think of anything to say. Should I try for polite or witty? Unfortunately I drew a blank. Nothing.
“You’re amazing.” I noticed an almost dreamlike quality about the way he looked at me.
“What do you mean?” Yeah, that was real clever.
“I’m sure tonight wasn’t easy for you.” Jordan explained. “I know it’s not the night you planned.”
“No.” I took a deep breath, knowing I was about to put myself on a tightrope. “It’s so much better.”
Uncomfortable, he shifted his gaze from me toward the water.
“Charlie’s an idiot, you know? Anyone who would let you slip through his fingers is.”
My teeth chattered. Thinking I felt a chill, Jordan pulled me close offering the warmth of his body. So many times before he held me, but never like this, with so much skin to skin contact. I nuzzled my head cozily against his bare chest. His body heat warmed me like an electric blanket.
After a moment, I drummed up enough courage to bring my trembling hand beside my cheek. Feeling his heart beat beneath my fingers gave me a sense of intimacy I never shared with anyone before. His free hand met mine and pressed down on it.
I swallowed hard, struggling with myself to just let his comments pass without question or scrutiny, but I couldn’t. I had to be strong enough to follow his lead. It seemed an eternity before I conjured up enough bravado to speak.
“Present company included?”
Again he looked away. I brought my hand to his cheek and turned his face back toward mine, forcing him to look at me. “I know you have feelings for me.”
Jordan took hold of my hand. “I never said I didn’t.”
“You pretend you don’t.”
His dreamy eyes looked pained. He squeezed my hand gently, “Stephanie, you’re young and idealistic.”
“Idealistic?” I wondered if I heard right. “If anyone knows a big, heavy foot is about to come crashing down at any minute, it’s me. And age has nothing to do with it. You’ve hidden behind that since the day we met.”
“Age has everything to do with it,” he insisted.
“I saw your point when we were younger, but not now. Not anymore.”
He cleared his throat. “Do you understand everything you’re going to experience I’ve already been through. You’re starting college, I’m finishing.”
“Great. Help me prepare.”
“It’s not an academic issue,” he tried to explain, “It’s social. You need to experience things without anyone holding you back.”
Was he talking about partying? Dating? Sex? “Let that be my decision.”
“I can’t. I don’t want to hurt you,” he attempted to simplify.
Ugh!!! He infuriated me! I pulled away from him. Tears of anger threatened to fall, but I wouldn’t let them. I couldn’t cry. If I allowed the tears he might attribute them to my lack of maturity. No way could I hand him an excuse.
“Then don’t.” I could put things in simple terms, too.
He looked away, buying time, searching for words, I wasn’t sure which. “It’s not that simple, Steph. Things aren’t black and white.”
“If you don’t want to be with me Jordan, say so. But don’t you dare tell me you’re doing it for my own good.”
“You think that’s the problem?” His brows furrowed together like he was annoyed. “That I don’t want to be with you?”
I nodded.
He brushed his hand over my back, sending chills throughout my entire body. “If you only knew how hard it’s been to keep away from you.”
“Then don’t.”
He looked toward the ocean as if he would find his answers there. But the answers weren’t in the water or the shore line. They were in his heart. And eventually he’d have to look at me. I knew when that moment came I needed to tell him how I felt. I needed to say the words out loud so he could hear them.
“Jordan, this isn’t a silly school girl crush.”
“And they called it puppy love . . . ” He sang in an attempt to silence me.
“Not puppy love.” I retorted, frustration building like a tsunami inside me. “What I feel for you, it grows year after year.”
“I know you like me.” A smug little grin crossed his lips, “You’ve always liked me. I know that. I like you too. I do, really, but . . . ”
“No.” I had half a mind to slap that arrogant look off his face, another half to kiss it off. “I don’t like you.”
“You don’t?” He brought his hand up to his chest, “That hurts.”
I shook my head, exasperated he was making it harder than it had to be. I knew why he was doing it. He wanted me to stop. If I didn’t say it, he could pretend it didn’t exist. But once the words were out there they couldn’t be taken back. He’d have to face it and respond with something, anything, not just pretend everything is fine. No. I wouldn’t let him shut me up.
“It’s more than that.” I swallowed hard searching for the courage to go on. But I couldn’t. What if I presented him with my heart and he kicked it to the curb? I couldn’t handle that. “I’d die for you,” I declared.
“What?” That caught him off guard.
“If a bullet was coming your way and I could save your life by giving up mine I would. That goes far beyond like.”
Silence. I couldn’t believe what I said. I felt like an idiot.
I wanted to die.
“Why are you doing this?” He squeezed my shoulder gently. His hand lingered there as if to stop it from roaming over any other part of my body. “What do you want to happen?”
“I want to know how you feel. I think I deserve that much.”
He cut me off, “Don’t you get it, Stephanie? When I’m with you, it takes every ounce of self-control I have . . . and then, when I’m not with you . . . ” he paused, looked away and then back at me, “you always leave me wanting more.”
“Then have more.” I swallowed hard, terrified of what he would say. “The only thing standing between us is you.”
He smiled, “This is what I mean about being idealistic, you believe everything will work out and we’ll live happily ever after.”
“Give me one good reason why we can’t.”
“Because things will get complicated. We’ll forget how to talk and trust each other.” I could feel his indecision in the way he touched me. He was trying to convince himself, as much as me. “We work great as friends and I don’t want to lose you. If that means we need to sacrifice so we don’t mess this up, than I’m okay with it.”
“What if I’m not okay with it? Then things will get complicated anyway.” I challenged.
He didn’t answer. I could see him mulling it over.
“Haven’t you ever thought about us as more than just friends?” I asked.
He swallowed hard before answering. “All the time.” Jordan stared into my eyes and pulled me close once again, our lips inching closer. He closed his eyes and drew back kissing my forehead instead. “Let’s head back.”
“Kiss me!”
“I can’t.” He paused a moment but I knew already what would follow. Her name came out as little more than a whisper. “Madison.”
Ah, the bane of my existence.
A slap across the face wouldn’t have stung as hard. “I thought you were seeing other people.” Once again I fought hard to keep my composure. I couldn’t fall apart, which was exactly what I was doing.
“It’s all or nothing Steph. It’s the least you deserve.”
I nodded my head in disgust wondering how else he could try to convince me he was rejecting me for my own good. I bit my lip.
“So, which is it going to be? All or nothing?” I wanted to take it back the moment it left my mouth, certain I knew what he would answer.
“I need a little time. Is that too much to ask?”
“Don’t you think four years is long enough?” So much for giving him time.
“A few days. That’s all I need.”
Discouraged, I pulled back and looked away, “What’s the point?”
He swallowed hard, “I need to do this the right way. I have to end things.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. “Do you mean it?” I asked with renewed faith.
He looked into my eyes long and hard before answering. “You’re not giving me much choice.”
My pulse quickened at the promise of a new beginning. I felt on top of the world, encouraged and hopeful. If I could win Jordan’s heart, anything seemed possible.
Twenty-Three
Arriving home as the sun rose didn’t leave much time for sleep, but I made the most of the few hours I did get. I dreamt of Jordan and the beach. I dreamed of our long awaited, yet to be had, first kiss. It was a certainty. It was going to happen. I just didn’t know when.
I lingered in bed until afternoon, reminiscing about our night, and the beautiful sunrise we shared in each other’s arms. How perfect everything went. How right my life felt.
When I finally forced myself out of bed and back to the world of the living, I did with a smile glued on my face. It felt like the ground beneath my feet had been made of very bouncy rubber, sending me way up into the clouds with every step.
My mother and Maria were sitting together at the kitchen table. Mom noticed my mood right away.
“Someone looks happy this morning,” she said before sipping her coffee.
“I told you she had a good night,” Maria instigated.
“The question you two should ask is how good?” I said with a big smile.
I didn’t delve right into the details. I wanted to savor every second of my retelling, as if it were happening over again. I’d only just begun describing the heaven-like atmosphere of the hall when the phone rang.
Jordan called to tell me once again, what a wonderful time he had. Feeling my cheeks get red and hot, I played with my hair, twirling it around my finger as I smiled from ear to ear. Both Maria and my mother studied my every move like hawks surveying their prey.
“What’s going on with you two?” My mother asked sternly.
“Nothing yet. Not officially. But at least I know now that something will. And soon too! I think he loves me. Really loves me. Maybe even as much as I love him,” I rambled on.
“He said that?!?” Maria demanded.
“Not in those exact words.”
“Well then what makes you think he has such strong feelings?” Mom asked.
“Because he said so. Sort of.”
My mother and Maria exchanged weary glances as if they didn’t believe me.
“Look, the age thing isn’t a big deal anymore. I mean it was. But we straightened that out.” I said pouring myself a glass of juice.
My mother sighed deeply and frowned.
“Honey, I don’t want you to get your hopes up.”
I shook her off, “You don’t understand. This isn’t happening in my imagination. It’s not some daydream or wishful thinking. We are going to be together and everything is wonderful.”
“Sweetheart, I think you need to understand last night was very special and maybe Jordan said some things you misinterpreted . . . ”
“I didn’t misinterpret anything.” I snapped. “I know what he said.”
“Stephanie.”
I knew the condescending tone of her voice and it offended me. My mother always got like this when it came to Jordan. She always did her best to convince me he wasn’t interested when I knew he was, or that my feelings where unreciprocated, when I could see in his eyes they were. For years she managed to get under my skin with reason and common sense, leaving me with no choice but to second guess what I knew to be true. Not this time. No way in hell would I allow it this time!
After a long deep breath I threw my arms up in the air and let them fall on the table top with a loud thud, stunning all of us, myself most of all.
“He just called me. He couldn’t wait to tell me what a great time he had. And I can hear in his voice he means it.”
“You don’t know if he’s still going to feel that way after some time passes.”
“I don’t believe you! You just don’t want me to be happy!” I yelled.
“You know that’s not true. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”
“Unless you’re the one doing the hurting. That you’re perfectly fine with.” I stormed out of the kitchen, stomped up the steps into my room and slammed the door behind me.
How dare my mother rain on my parade! How could she understand what Jordan and I felt for each other? Centuries passed since she was my age. How could she remember how wonderful it felt to be “in love?” Sure she went on the occasional date but it wasn’t like her social calendar was packed. She couldn’t possibly know what I was feeling.
It was okay I decided. I knew what transpired between us. I saw the look in his eyes and heard the cracking of emotion in his voice. I just had to wait a few days. Then they’d see just how right I was.
Wednesday evening my feet were back on the hard, cracked ground. I hadn’t heard from Jordan since his after-prom-call and my confidence had waned. Maybe the “end things” wasn’t what I thought it was. Maybe prom night was his way to find closure with me.
My mood was foul. I couldn’t clear my mind of Jordan long enough to study for finals and Regents. I snapped at the slightest thing. I wanted a break from the constant bickering with my mother and stayed in my room, barricaded behind my door with my nose in my books.
Lying in bed studying, I hadn’t any idea of the time when Maria pounded at my door.
“Open the damn door!” she demanded.
“Leave me alone!” I yelled back.
“I’m serious, Stephanie, open the door. It’s important.”
With a loud huff, I got off my bed and opened the door sucking my teeth and rolling my eyes to greet her. I hoped she’d get the hint quickly and make the visit short.
“What’s so important it couldn’t wait until tomorrow? Or better yet what couldn’t you call or text me with?”
“Sit down,” Maria ordered in a tone so serious it made the hair on the back of my neck rise.
“What happened?” I felt a boulder forming in my stomach.
Maria clenched her jaw and took a seat next to me on the bed.
Something terrible happened. I sensed it. And yet I wouldn’t surrender to the helpless feeling of falling from a cliff.
“It’s Jordan.”
“Great.” I felt like I was being beaten with a battering ram. “You were right, I was wrong. Do we really have to go through this again?”
Maria shook her head, tears filling her large brown eyes, “He was in an accident.”
My heart plummeted.
“
When? Where?” I asked, panicked.
“I had to pick up milk on my way home from Rob’s. I ran into his mother at the store. She was just getting home from the hospital.”
“Which hospital?”
“Maimonides,” she answered. “It happened the other night. He was driving Madison home. A truck blew a light and hit them.”
“But he’s okay right? He has to be okay!”
She nodded. “The car flipped. The truck somehow ended up on top of the car.”
I swallowed hard against the angst rising in the back of my throat, “Is he okay?”
“He needed surgery.”
I jumped off the bed and paced wildly. I reached for my phone with trembling hands. Maria placed her hand over mine and stopped me.
“I have to call him.” I pleaded as if I needed her permission. “I need to speak to him. To see him. I need to make sure he’s okay.”
“You can’t.” She snapped. In a softer tone she continued, “The phone lines won’t allow incoming calls after nine.”
“Then I’ll call his cell.”
She shook her head, “He doesn’t have it with him.” She handed me a small slip of paper, “Here’s his number.”
Frustrated and frightened I let my tears fall. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a bitch.” I threw my arms around Maria, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“I know,” she stroked my hair trying to calm and reassure me. “That’s what friends are for.”
There was a somber note to her voice. She was holding back. I pulled away from her and stared into her eyes. She looked away. I knew it was bad. Really bad.
“What aren’t you telling me?”
After taking a long breath she began, “Stephanie. I don’t know how to tell you this.”
I thought my chest was going to cave in, “He’s hurt worse than you let on, isn’t he?”
“No.” She shook her head, “Physically he’ll be okay.”
For Always Page 12
