by Mark Parisi
When is the time to worry about Simon?
Then I open my eyes.
CHAPTER 9
ostriches and ocelots
If I’ve learned anything in life, it’s to pay attention to notes I find in Jerome’s mouth.
And this one didn’t say “NOWIS” a minute ago.
It said “SIMON.”
How did the note change?
The only explanation I can think of is
I bet there’s a hidden message in here. And I’m an expert on hidden messages. I bring the note to my dad’s computer. I type the letters N O W I S and see what I can come up with.
Nude Ostrich With Itchy Spot
Never Open Windows In Spain
Noisy Orange Worm Interrupts Snake
Nasty Olives Will Infiltrate Salad
Napping Ocelot Winks Involuntarily Sometimes
Nothing Occurs When I Sleep
Nutritious Octopus Wiggles Inside Shark
Nice Old Woman Is Smelly
Hmmm. I don’t think I’m on the right track. Or to put it another way:
None Of (these) Words Induce Satisfaction.
“Marty,” my dad says as he sneaks up behind me. “I need my computer to look up some supercool song lyrics.”
“But I’m doing very important homework,” I tell him.
My dad looks at the screen and says, “Just what kind of homework is McPhee giving you?”
“Actually,” I say, “this has to do with Simon.”
“Oh, that charming friend of yours?”
“DON’T CALL HIM THAT!” I snap.
“Charming?”
“No, a friend of mine!”
Wait. I just realized what “NOWIS” stands for!
CHAPTER 10
pkzzitvftsh
I’m late for my therapy appointment! So, I jump on my bike.
You may have noticed that’s not a bike. I can’t seem to draw bikes. But drawing big eyeballs is fun, so I do that instead. Just go with it.
Once I arrive at my psychologist’s house, I notice she’s on her skateboard.
“PARKER!” I yell as I practically fall off my bike. “I have fascinating news!”
“Yay! Let’s hear it!”
“Splut frmt ksht,” I say.
“That does sound fascinating, Marty.”
“Shrphy,” I say. “It’s hard to dzurphkkah when Dewey’s tonguish inmee mrrfh!”
Dewey’s licking my face because I ate some of his favorite food today.*
Parker wrangles Dewey, and we begin my therapy session.
“It’s about Simon,” I say. “He’s not normal.”
“Well, is anyone normal?” asks Parker.
“Maybe not, but he’s EXTRA not normal.”
“What do you mean?”
“I have reason to believe,” I say slowly and dramatically, “that Simon is charming!”
“I suppose he can be charming,” Parker says.
“I mean it literally! He’s a charmer who is charming people with magic charms!”
“Fantastic!” Parker says. “Now, what would make you think . . .”
“THIS!” I say as I show Parker the note.
“It used to say ‘SIMON,’ but it suddenly changed to ‘NOWIS.’” Then I tell Parker what “NOWIS” stands for.
“You have an upside-down way of seeing things,” Parker says.
“Nice of you to say,” I say. “It’s the only way to explain why Simon’s considered the school artist even though he only draws ONE THING!”
“I bet his evil magic is the reason I can’t draw bikes!” I continue. “I’m even beginning to suspect he makes me miss the toilet sometimes! He makes bad things happen, Parker.”
“You miss the toilet sometimes?”
“Focus on what’s important, Parker.”
“Well, you occasionally use my bathroom, so . . .”
“Blame Simon. There’s no other explanation.”
“Classic Marty logic,” Parker says.
“Thank you. I think I’ve proven my pkzzitvftsh . . .”
“Dewey really likes you,” Parker says. “Smart puppy.”
My glasses get knocked off and smudged with dog saliva. As I clean them on my shirt, I notice it’s getting windy. Really windy.
I put my glasses back on.
Gurk! Dewey’s slobbered me right down the hill!
In the distance, I can hear Parker cheering, “GO, MARTY! GO!”
Going is not a problem. Stopping is!
Luckily, a thoughtful citizen steps in to help me out.
I land on the soft grass. The thoughtful citizen lands on the not-so-soft sidewalk.
“Thanks for saving my bacon, citizen,” I say as I brush myself off.
The citizen doesn’t answer. In fact, he’s not moving at all.
“Sir?” I get closer to make sure he’s breathing.
He is. And his breath is terrible.
CHAPTER 11
the pits
Peach Fuzz! Why did it have to be Peach Fuzz?
PEACH FUZZ PRIMER
Real name: Salvador Ack
Identifying feature: Peach-fuzz mustache
Calls me: Wetty Pants
Occupation: Bully, punk, no-good hoodlum
Age: Undetermined
Turn-ons: Spitting, punching, spitting again
Turnoffs: Grammar, rabies shots, me
Peach Fuzz picks on me when he’s in a bad mood. And he’s always in a bad mood.
“Weddy Pantz!” he snarls. “Ya think nocking me ovah was funny, doo ya?”
“Kinda,” I say. “I mean, NO! It was an accident!”
“Wel, I’m gonna axidentally doo this!” Peach Fuzz says as he puts me in a headlock and sets his knuckles in a familiar position.
Ow! Has anyone ever been noogied to death? I think I’m about to find out.
Yes! My dad saved my bacon!
“Gotta go, Salvador!” I say. “Let’s not do this again sometime.”
Peach Fuzz lets me go and whispers, “Yer safe now, Weddy, butt I’ll getcha reel good next time.”
Gurk. I sprint to my dad at the front door.
“Marty, are you hanging out with that no-good Salvador Ack?”
“No, I just bumped into him.”
“Well, your teacher called.”
“THAT’S AWESOME!” I’ve never been this happy about McPhee calling the house before.
“Apparently, you’re still not taking your homework seriously.”
“Am, too!” I say. “McPhee just doesn’t understand that questions can have more than one answer.”
“And your principal called.”
Gurk.
“She said you’re two strikes away from being suspended. What’s going on? Are you tormenting Simon?”
“What? NO! That’s what Simon wants you to think!” I explain. “He’s tormenting ME. He’s using magical mind control on Principal Cricklewood to make her kick me out of school! He’s an evil wizard, don’t you see? I bet Simon’s controlling your mind right now, Dad! RIGHT NOW!”
“Marty, while I fight for control of my brain, how about you go to your room? And clean it for once.”
“Fine,” I say. “But I thought your brain was stronger, Dad.”
“And, Marty, please don’t say anything about any of this to your mother.”
I march upstairs.
Simon’s causing me all kinds of stress, but I’ll be okay once I settle into my beanbag of solitude.
Nothing calms me down like my beanbag of solitude. I can always count on it to . . .
CHAPTER 12
emotional baggage
“JEROME! YOU KILLED MY BEANBAG!”
He’s never done anything like this before. Never.
Okay, sure, Jerome’s been known to be a little aggressive with people sometimes.
Like with my dad.
And the neighbor.
And Erica.
And the vet.
And Peach Fuzz.
&n
bsp; And McPhee.
And the animal control guy.
And my mom.
You get the idea. But he’s like that with everyone else in the world, not me. We’re compadres!
I can only think of one explanation for this.
Simon! He magically made Jerome destroy my beanbag!
Wait. Am I just blaming Simon for things he has nothing to do with? Am I jumping to conclusions? I need to be logical about this. I need logical, scientific proof.
And nothing is more logical than a flowchart.
That’s scientific proof!
Wow! Simon is actually a wizard! I knew it!
I head to the fridge and grab a piece of bologna.
Where was I? Oh yeah. Simon! He’s definitely a wizard! Now I have to figure out if he’s a good wizard or an evil wizard.
CHAPTER 13
that was easy
Done. Simon is an evil wizard.
How do I know?
Duh. BECAUSE HE’S SIMON!
And what do evil wizards always want to do?
I need to stop him. But how?
I’ll visit the Temple of Wizarding Knowledge.
CHAPTER 14
overbooked
“Can I help you, young man?” the librarian asks.
“I need all your books on evil-wizards-who-want-to-take-over-the-world,” I say.
“I’m sorry,” the librarian says. “But I can’t give them to you.”
“You must! The fate of the world depends on it!” I tell her.
“Someone else beat you to it,” she says. “That guy over there reserved all the books on evil-wizards-who-want-to-take-over-the-world.”
Just my luck!
I guess I’d rather not read that many books anyway. Looks like a lot of hard work.
What I need is an easier way to learn about stopping evil wizards.*
CHAPTER 15
what a card
My sister’s door is partially open. I’m sure that means it’s okay to bother her.
“Erica . . .”
“You read a lot of books, right?”
“More than you, that’s for sure. Now, GO AWAY.”
“So, you must have learned about ways to defeat evil wizards.”
“Whatever. Now, GO AWAY.”
“Could you share your knowledge with me? It’s important.”
“If I tell you, will you GO AWAY?”
“I promise,” I promise.
“A wizard is usually defeated by a stronger wizard,” Erica says. “Now, GO AWAY.”
Of course!
It takes a wizard to defeat a wizard! That’s called fighting fire with fire!
Although, that analogy never made much sense to me.
But where can I find a stronger wizard?
Could I be a wizard? Is it possible?
Am I like Harry Potter and Simon is like Voldemort? It’s just as logical as everything else in my head.
I need to find out.
“Dad, can you turn down that terrible old music and come over here?”
“It’s great music, Marty. If you listen to the lyrics . . .”
“DAD!”
“Fine. You have my attention. What’s up, Marty?”
My dad picks a card from the deck and doesn’t show it to me.
“Dad, your card is the four of hearts!” I declare.
“Queen of clubs, Marty.”
That settles it. I’m not a wizard.
I have no choice. I have to disturb She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Disturbed.
CHAPTER 16
nugget
“Erica!” I say. “Have I ever told you you’re the smartest sister I have?”
“I’m the only sister you have.”
“Don’t get bogged down in details,” I tell her.
“Marty, you promised to leave me alone!”
“And I plan on keeping that promise, but first I need to know if there’s another way to defeat a wizard.”
“But, Erica, you’re so intelligent and well read and adequate looking and . . .”
“I’M ALSO BUSY! LEAVE ME ALONE!”
“Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?”
Erica picks up a pen. It looks like she’s going to throw it at me, but instead she starts writing.
“HERE!” Erica yells as she rips the page out of her notebook and thrusts it at me.
“Dress in white?” I say. “But I’m an artist. I always wear black.”
“And make sure there are lots of people around to laugh at you,” Erica says.
I see what’s going on here. My sister’s making fun of me. Again.
“Now, LEAVE ME ALONE, MARTY!”
Fine.
I head to the fridge and grab all the leftover chicken nuggets. They are Erica’s favorite.
CHAPTER 17
flip it good
Why is this chapter upside down?
I blame SIMON!
CHAPTER 18
musta got lost
The painter Georgia O’Keeffe was inspired by flowers.
The artist Frida Kahlo was inspired by monkeys.
The Simpsons’ cartoonist Matt Groening was inspired by a spork.
That’s what I need. Inspiration. I need to figure out a way to stop Simon before he takes over the world.
Instead of waiting for inspiration to come to me, I go out looking for it.
I look at clouds, cars, birds, signs, and dogs peeing on fire hydrants, but nothing inspires me.
Then I notice something. I notice that I don’t know where I am. I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.
I’ve never been in this part of town before.
A magic shop! That looks like the perfect place to get antiwizard advice! I lock up my bike and walk inside. No one seems to be around. I notice a curtain and peek behind it.
“I hope so,” I say when I catch my breath. “I need advice because there’s an evil wizard around here who wants to take over the world.”
“What did you just say, young man?”
“I said . . .”
“I heard you the first time! WHO TOLD YOU THERE WAS AN EVIL WIZARD?!”
“No one had to tell me,” I explain. “I’m good at noticing.”
“IS THAT SO?” the man says.
“Yes, I’m a noticer.”
“WELL, LITTLE BOY, IT SEEMS YOU NOTICED TOO MUCH!”
“I noticed too much about Simon?” I ask.
“Simon?” the man asks. “Who the devil is Simon?”
“Simon’s the kid at my school who’s the evil wizard I was telling you about.”
“OH! You think some young man at your school is the dangerous, evil wizard?”
“Of course,” I say. “Who else did you think I was talking about?”
“Um, no one. No one at all,” the man says. “So, what are you doing here, little boy?”
“I need advice on how to defeat a wizard,” I explain.
“My only advice, little boy, is to get used to the fact that the world is about to be taken over by a handsome, powerful wizard overlord!”
“You give terrible advice,” I say.
“Watch it, little boy. You don’t want to provoke an evil wizard, do you?”
“YES!” I tell him. “That’s exactly what I want to do! THANK YOU!”
I run outside.
That’s it. I need to provoke Simon!
I’ll make him so upset that he’ll use his evil magic in front of people, and everyone will see what a dangerous wizard he is.
His evilness will be exposed!
All I have to do is make Simon mad.
Luckily, that’s something I’m good at.
CHAPTER 19
watch your step
Step One: Talk to Ms. Ortiz and start a school club.
Step Two: Make a flyer about the club.
Step Three: Get people to join the club.
For some reason, Step Three is not going well. I’m having trouble recruiting members.
Who can I get
to join?
Parker! Of course! She’s a psychologist, not an artist, but she’s always up for trying new things.
“Parker,” I say. “I just created CACA!”
“Congratulations, I guess . . .”
“Want to be in CACA with me?”
“No one’s ever asked me that before,” she says.
“Because CACA didn’t exist until this morning.”
“I’m pretty sure it did, Marty.”
“Let’s both be in CACA together. It’ll be fun.”
“I’m not convinced.”
“Try it and see how it feels,” I tell her.
“Do you need another therapy session, Marty?”
“Maybe later. Right now, I want my CACA to be popular.”
I show Parker the flyer, and she finally agrees to join CACA. So does Roongrat.
Step Four: Provoke Simon!
Simon seems happy to hear this at first, until he reads the flyer.
“I’m the school artist!” he says angrily. “You can’t keep me out of an art club!”
“I just did,” I say. “I’m the CACA president, and it’s clear you don’t meet the strict requirements to be a member.”
