by London Casey
Of course there would be rain. Why not pack on the emotions even more. I was supposed to brush Sadie’s hair. I wanted to watch her bedtime routine with Jake. I wanted my heart full. I wanted to go downstairs with Jake and have him alone. See him in his own home. See him comfortable. All the little things we both wanted so bad.
But we were both alone. Again.
I finally succumbed to what the night had become. I had to think about what was next. That meant sleep and facing a new day. Facing Jake at some point. Knowing that we’d have to figure out where the line was for us to stop crossing it.
I opened the deck door and looked to the empty dining room table. The empty house, full of furniture. Maybe I shouldn’t have bought a house. Maybe I should have traveled. Cashed everything in and traveled. Write. Make money doing odds and ends. Living so…
“Fucked up,” a voice said.
I let out a scream.
I turned and saw the shadow of a man in the grass near the steps of my deck.
“Jake?” I asked.
“I’m so fucked up,” he said.
“What?”
“I don’t know how to let go. I don’t know how to move on. One second I feel okay and the next second I feel like the world is collapsing.” Jake took a step up. “I went to her grave today. To talk to her. Because that’s what they say to do, right? But I never got it. I never understood it. She’s not there. Everly is not fucking there.”
That was the first time I ever heard him speak her name.
I took a deep breath.
“Jake, is Sadie okay?”
He stepped up another step. He pulled the monitor out of his pocket and put it on the railing. “She’s asleep. I brushed her hair. I read her a book. She was worried about you, Emily. So fucking worried about you. I lied to her. Said you had a bellyache. She told me that my meatballs weren’t so famous after all. You believe that? She’s only four…”
“I believe it,” I said. “She’s amazing, Jake. She’s amazing because of you.”
Jake shook his head. “She’s amazing because of Everly. And that’s something I have to live with for the rest of my life. And you… you want to live with that for the rest of your life? Why?”
“Jake, this isn’t about me,” I said. “I said what I had to say already.”
“Right. You’re just going to be there all the time, huh? Never let it bother you?”
“I never said that,” I said. “But the way I feel…”
“It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” Jake said. “You get that, right? You went through it?”
Does he know…
“You mean my grandmother?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“Yeah.”
“Tell me then. Tell me, Emily.”
I swallowed hard. “There’s not much to tell, Jake. She needed me and I was there.”
“Your life was just… stopped. Because of her?”
“Yes.”
“Why did you do it?”
“I loved her, Jake,” I said. “She raised me, Jake. My parents weren’t good people. My father left when my mother got pregnant. And when my mother had me, she didn’t want to be a mother. The last I knew of them? My mother went to find my father so they could start over. They had another baby but that baby didn’t make it. So then they just destroyed each other. I was the lucky one. Abandoned yet lucky. My grandmother raised me. She taught me how to read, write, love, see the world differently than other people. I went off on my own when I was eighteen and wanted to conquer the world. But… that didn’t happen.”
I’m not talking about it, Jake. I’m not going there yet, Jake. Please…
“She got sick?” Jake asked.
“Yes.”
I felt a few splatters of raindrops to my cheek and forehead.
Both of us were hesitant, slowly reducing the space between each other.
“She got sick,” I said. “She had been sick but it caught up to her. She gave up her life for me, Jake. Raising me during a time when she should have been enjoying her life. But she carried so much guilt about my mother. I never wanted her to carry that guilt. She got sick and I took care of her. I watched the inevitable downfall of her. Losing her mind day by day. It was the worst few years of my life, Jake, but in some ways, the best. Because I got to experience all of her. During her moments of clarity she told me stories I’ll never forget. I got to hold her hand during her last moments. So in a way we both saved each other. That’s just how life goes, Jake.”
He was just a few feet from me.
The few droplets of rain were now a drizzle. A steady drizzle.
He was close enough to touch. So I did. I had to touch him. I had to feel him.
My fingertips slid down his cheek.
He just stared at me.
It took all of a few seconds before a stray tear fell from his left eye.
“Jake…”
“It was all so perfect, Emily,” he said. “The house, the baby, the ring on her finger. It was all lined up. The tree in the backyard? I hate that fucking thing. But she loved it. So I’ll never get rid of it. Her chair outside, inside, she’s everywhere. And tonight, you were everywhere.”
“Jake, I’m sorry if I…”
“No,” he said. His hands grabbed my sides. “That’s the thing… you were everywhere and it felt right. It felt good. It felt normal. So fucking normal. I stood there and caught myself moving the dressings because you had them in the wrong spot. Why the fuck does that matter? What the fuck is wrong with me?”
“You’re grieving,” I whispered. “And you have every right to do that.”
“Dammit, Emily,” he said. “Don’t you see how fucking perfect you are? There’s so much out there for you. So much you could do…”
“I’m where I want to be,” I said. “I swear to you, Jake.”
He reached for my hand and took it away from his face.
The drizzling rain kept hitting us.
“She went to get Sadie diapers,” he said. “She always forgot things. She was messy. She left her shoes everywhere. I was working on the car in the garage. A car that I keep working on just to pretend I have something to do. We played rock, paper, scissors. That’s what we did for fun. I won. She had to go get diapers. It was fine. Sadie was napping. I figured Everly would want to get out of the house anyway. You know? Go shopping a little, do something for herself. She backed out of the driveway and drove away. She made it less than a mile from the house, Emily. And…”
Jake ran his hands through his hair. He put his head back.
Please, Jake, don’t quit now. Give it to me. Give me the darkness. I’ll hold it for you. I swear. I… I love you, Jake.
He looked at me again.
I couldn’t tell if it was rain or tears.
“She always stopped at stop signs. Always. For three seconds. Not two. Three. It could be the most desolate area in the world but if there was a stop sign, she stopped. The police said she ran the stop sign. That’s what they tried to sell me. That she ran the fucking stop sign and was hit by a truck. The impact so hard that they believed there was no suffering. The driver was just barely under the level to be considered drunk. They said she was just cruising along and it slipped her mind to stop. She went through the stop sign at the wrong time. How the fuck does that happen?”
“Oh, shit,” I whispered. “Jake…”
“She always stopped. Three fucking seconds. They were always the longest three seconds of my life. So what was she doing? Huh? Checking her phone? Just happy to be outside the house without the baby? Or tired? I should have gotten up with Sadie more that week then, right? But no, she wanted to take the reins. So I got a little extra sleep. So what happened? Was she extra tired? Confused for that split second? Distracted? What the fuck…”
Jake’s voice crackled like he was a thirteen year old boy hitting puberty.
He turned and walked to the steps. He put a hand to each post and hung his head.
The rain starte
d to pick up.
The rain pounded against his back, making his shirt cling to his muscular body.
“Jake, you didn’t do anything wrong. Neither did she. Nobody did anything wrong. It’s just… fate.”
“Fuck fate,” Jake yelled. “Fate has a little girl in bed right now, sleeping, knowing she’ll wake tomorrow and not have her mother. Fate is that I have to raise her alone. Fate is that everything that happens in our lives, it all stems from that one fucking moment. Fuck fate.”
“Fuck fate,” I said. “I agree, Jake. Fuck fate. Okay? Scream that if you need to. Fuck fate.”
I finally got the nerve to touch his back. My hand felt his wet shirt and his hard muscle.
The rain was coming down harder. I wanted to suggest we go inside but I didn’t want to poison this moment we were having together.
Jake stood tall and turned. “Fuck fate… it’s a lie, Em.”
“Yeah?”
“Fate brought you here. To this house. To my daughter. To me. So how can I be so angry at it? It took one thing I loved away and gave me something else to love. So what do I do now?”
Did Jake just admit he loved me?
I felt the rain bouncing off my face, my lips, clinging to my shirt. The sound of rain was soothing and beautiful, the look between myself and Jake was full of tension, passion, an angry heat that was building by the second.
“You do whatever you want,” I said. “And I’m going to be right here. I’ll never take away what you still have of her, Jake. I just want to put together something that looks like a future.”
“Goddammit,” Jake growled.
He moved at me again. His hands took me by the waist. He walked me back until I was against my own house. Just like once before.
He lifted me up so we were eye level. “You can hurt me, princess, but don’t ever hurt my daughter.”
“I never would, Jake. I love her. And I… I love you. I swear.”
“Fuck,” he said.
Then he kissed me.
Chapter Thirty
Carry Me Away
(Emily)
Jake wrestled the wet shirt up and over my head. He threw it to the deck and it slapped with a heavy, wet thud. I couldn’t believe what was happening. My nails scratched his wet skin as I fought his shirt up. He ripped it off and threw it to the banister.
Jake attacked me with a kiss, his left hand at the back of my bra, his other hand at my lower belly.
“Jake,” I whispered in between rain laced kisses, “what about the monitor?”
He grinned. “Fucking waterproof. That thing could swim twenty feet deep and still work.”
I did nothing but sigh.
He kissed me again and broke it quickly, trading my lips for my neck. Kissing down to my chest as his fingers unclasped my bra.
I had never been naked on the deck before. I had never been naked outside before either. Not with these intentions and what was going to happen.
The second I was topless, I felt the cold stinging pelts of the raindrops, all seeming to hit my sensitive nipples at the same time. I was saved as Jake kissed down, taking my left breast into his mouth. I thrust my chest at him as I groaned, clawing at his back.
He pressed harder against me, making me step back, pulling me close again. His hands opened my jeans and with a hand on each hip, he fought and won with ease, sliding my pants and panties down to my knees. From there I had to hurry and stomp my way out of the wet clothing.
Completely naked on the deck… ohmygod…
His hands moved around and grabbed my ass, lifting me up, my legs going around his body. I was cold, shivering, the rain hitting me, the heat burning between us. Every sense of my body activated and I didn’t know what to focus on first.
Jake walked me to the chairs and grabbed for a cushion. They were tied to the chair but his one pull ripped the cushion. He pulled so hard, he broke one of the ties.
He threw the cushion to the deck and fell to his knees, me in his arms.
I let out a cry and didn’t know what he had planned for me.
I was on my elbows, my body so exposed to him as he was on his knees before me. He kissed me, his right hand touching my inner thigh and slowly climbing up. The moment his fingers touched my wet silk, I thrust and groaned.
Fuck, I wanted him so bad.
His two fingers played and pressed, entering me. I opened my mouth to gasp and Jake filled my mouth with another kiss. My nails scratched against the wood of the deck, reminding me - along with the rain - that I was outside. In the open.
Jake broke away and kissed down. I watched him kiss me. I felt him kiss me. And the moment he moved past my breasts, I knew what he was going to do.
I bit my lip as I quivered between my legs. His touch was beautiful, gently thrusting in and out of me. But it was his lips, his tongue, those kisses trailing down, that’s what made my toes curl.
When he got below my belly button, he slid his fingers out of me and moved his hand to my hip. His other hand grabbed my other hip and he kissed down my softness until he reached my sex.
The second his tongue flickered against me, I let out a groan.
“Jake!” I cried as his tongue repeated the soft and sweet motion.
All the way down, all the way back up.
The tip of his tongue hooked under my clit and flicked. He closed his mouth over me, taking me, tasting what he had done to me. I wasn’t wet because of the damn rain.
I put my head back and felt the rain hitting my face.
I couldn’t imagine anything fucking hotter than this moment.
My heels were planted firmly to the deck as I rocked my hips, grinding against his tongue. He was everywhere I needed him to be and everything I needed him to be.
I looked down as he pulled away for a second, only to go right back at me.
“Oh, shit,” I groaned.
I felt my lower half flex as I realized I was starting to climax already.
That tongue… whatever he’s writing to me… it’s fucking beautiful…
“I’m… Jake… yes…”
I spoke one word sentences.
Jake’s hands slid up my body. His right hand eased over my left breast while his left hand just held my side. He pulled at me, wanting me to thrust at him. So I did until my body was no longer able to.
I crunched forward tight, my chin trying to touch my chest. My hands flat to the deck. I tried to yell but it was a whispering kind of cry. Everything exploded from my inner core, all because of Jake. All for Jake.
I felt like I couldn’t breathe for hours, but it was just seconds.
When I was able to breathe, I gasped for air and thrust again, the same thing happening.
Jake stayed right there, kissing, tasting, not letting up for a second as I came harder than I could ever remember in my life.
I was thankful for that cushion he put under me because when I collapsed, I collapsed hard. I turned into melted butter and that was it.
Jake kissed up to my belly button and paused. I couldn’t even look down at him. So he kept kissing. And he didn’t stop again until he was at my ear.
Then he said something wildly sensual and maybe romantic.
“You taste so fucking good, Em. I want to taste you for the rest of my fucking life.”
I grabbed for him, feeling his wet, slippery skin.
I felt the swell of his cock pressing against his jeans, against my body.
He pulled away and started to stand.
I let him go… for the moment.
Then I moved fast, wanting my turn to taste him.
I grabbed the top of his jeans and pulled. There was no getting his jeans off. Just down. Down enough so that I could see the thick root of his cock and pull him free. Which I did. I groaned when I saw him, touched him, my fingers moving up and down his beautiful thickness.
My hand moved back down to his root and I gripped as tight as I could.
I came forward with my mouth, a thirst raging through my body
as though I hadn’t had anything to drink in weeks.
The moment I took him into my mouth, a hand touched my shoulder. Another hand touched my other shoulder.
He groaned and pulled at me, wanting more.
So I gave him more.
I gave him all I could give.
And he still had so much more to give to me.
I groaned as I pulled back.
I moved away from him for a second, just to catch my breath.
Then I went for him again.
This time my hand eased up the bottom of his shaft. My hand met my lips and I pulled my mouth back again. I worked myself into a rhythm and pace where my hand and mouth were taking care of him. His fingers held my shoulders tight, pulling and pushing as he wanted me to do so.
I was his.
All of his.
The rain getting even heavier now.
It was damn near pouring and I was on my knees before Jake, showing him how sexy he was. Groaning each time I tasted him. Moving faster, harder, my tongue flirting with his cock, my lips memorizing every inch of steel they could reach.
“Fuck,” Jake grunted. “Fuck, Em… right there…”
I was near his full tip. I stayed right there. My lips and tongue teasing and taking care of him. My hands handling the rest of his thickness.
He started to thrust at me, his body reacting the way it should have.
He was getting ready and I could feel it happening.
Between my legs was aching with warm need again. I was ready for more of him.
But I couldn’t stop yet.
I wanted him to finish…
Jake slid a hand to the back of my head. He made a fist around my hair. It was so fucking sexy… so hot… so dominating…
I groaned as my body shivered from the rain.
Jake hissed and I felt him throbbing.
Then…
Holy shit, yes.
He thrust forward and held. I paused as I felt him climax. I stayed with him the way he stayed with me, taking everything. My hand kept moving, insuring there would be nothing wasted between us.
I only stopped because he told me to. Not with words, but by tugging at my hair, pulling me away from him.
I looked up at him.