by London Casey
Jake swallowed hard. A lump in his throat. He blinked fast.
“I’m not going anywhere, Jake,” I said. “You are the biggest asshole I’ve ever met. You were mean, crude, rude, a prick… but I knew there was something behind it all. Because you never actually tried to hurt me.”
“I’m really sorry you went through that,” Jake said.
“Me too,” I said. “I let myself get too exposed. I thought I was doing something right. Something nobody did for me. And it hurt bad. Sometimes I fear the same could happen with you, Jake. I mean you could wake up tomorrow and just be done.”
“Em,” he said, stroking a piece of hair out of my face. “Listen to me. I would never expose my daughter’s heart in a way that would crush it. If I didn’t trust this, us, you and me, I wouldn’t let Sadie get so close.”
“Thank you for trusting me,” I said.
“Thank you for being naked with me in your bed.”
I laughed. “Perv.”
“You’re the one that took a dress off me,” Jake said.
“For good cause,” I said and kissed him.
I reached down and felt him. Growing harder by the second.
I broke the kiss to look at the clock.
“Em,” Jake said.
“What?”
He grinned. “We’ve still got plenty of time to fool around…”
I sat on the top step of my porch with a cup of coffee when Jake got back with Sadie.
He got out of the truck with a smirk on his face. That crazy wild in love feeling, our eyes locking, knowing all the stuff we had been doing to each other all afternoon.
Sadie got out of the truck and my thoughts were erased.
She was still in her princess costume.
When she looked at me, she smiled big and started to run across the yard.
“Sadie!” Jake yelled.
She climbed over the little white fence and hurried to my porch.
My heart was tender, aching, thinking about what I had confessed to Jake. It was a different time in my life when all that happened. I fell in love too fast, and I fell in love with a kid that wasn’t mine. I really thought I had been doing good by it all but it all fell apart. I still had dreams of what had happened.
Sadie plopped down next to me.
If I ever lost Sadie it would be worse than anything I could imagine. The way she looked up at me just told me everything I needed to know. I vowed to myself to forever talk about Everly. I would spend the rest of my life loving Jake, taking care of Sadie, and learning as much as I could about Everly so Sadie would never feel as though she would forget her mother. It was a huge burden, but when I looked over and saw Jake standing with Sadie’s pink bag on his shoulder, I knew it was worth it. The wild hunk of a man, looking ten feet tall, ten feet wide, tattoos everywhere, dark, forever brooding eyes, he was worth anything and everything.
“How was your day, Sadie?” I asked.
Sadie put her hand to mine. “You were there for most of it, Emily.”
“I know. What else happened today?”
“Lisa’s house was boring. But I did color something.”
“Can I see it?”
“That’s why I came over. But I forgot my bag.” Sadie stood up. “Daddy! I need my bag!”
Jake walked across the yard and held the bag out. Then he bowed. “Anything for the princess.”
“Thank you, good sir,” Sadie said.
I cracked up laughing.
Sadie opened her bag and took out a picture. It was a picture of a woman holding the hand of a little girl. They were standing under an apple tree. With a swing set.
It was a drawing of the backyard.
I swallowed hard.
Sadie drew a picture of herself and her…
“It’s you and me!” Sadie said. “I made it for you.”
I sucked in a breath. “Really?”
“Yeah. You don’t have any drawings on your frigerator,” Sadie said.
I looked at Jake.
“It’s true,” Jake said. “You need something on your frigerator.”
“Sadie… this is so beautiful.”
I felt like I could cry.
“You really like it?”
“I really love it,” I said. “I’m going to hang it up right now.”
“And then you’re coming over for dinner?” Sadie asked.
“Oh. Sadie. I…”
I glanced back at Jake. He shrugged his shoulders, smiling.
“I would love to come over for dinner,” I said.
“Can we have a tea party? Just you and me?”
“Of course we can, Sadie.”
“Best night ever,” Sadie said. She jumped up. “I have to get home. I have to get prepared.”
She jumped off the second step and screamed as she started to run.
I looked at Jake. “Are you sure?”
Jake put a hand out. I gave him my hand. He kissed it. “Anything for my two princesses…”
Dear Everly,
The quiet. That’s what this is right now. The quiet. When you left, things were noisy. They were fast. They were so fucking loud, Ev. Everyone had their say. Everyone wanted to be near me, to be near Sadie. I had so many sudden decisions to make, ones that came with no warnings at all. So many decisions I had to make alone while caring for Sadie.
Now it’s the opposite.
It’s quiet. There’s no more food getting dropped off. No more random phone calls. Fuck, no flowers either. The only thing we get now are the silent looks. Anywhere I go, with or without Sadie, people just look. I get it. I’m now the potential tragedy. I’m the reminder that every second of life is precious and most of us take those seconds for granted. And, fuck, if that doesn’t go through me hard. I’d give up everything I own for just one minute to hold you, Everly.
Yet what did we do?
When we first met, Ev, it was just us. Two people living in two shit apartments. All we wanted was to be together. Random road trips to anywhere we wanted. We’d watch a movie and then take off to go and get food because of the movie, the beach because of the movie, whatever we wanted.
What happened?
It’s just something nudged us forward. We worked more. We saved more. We did less. Not that I would ever trade our nights on the couch with movies. Or trying to do a puzzle on the coffee table only to get pissed off, a little drunk, and then I took you to bed.
I remember when we looked at the house. What the fuck were we doing looking at a house? I still don’t know but it felt right. It felt like it was time. We wanted a family, right? We wanted to have something that was our own. Our little sliver of the cake that was supposed to be heaven.
I don’t know, Ev. It’s so quiet around here now. It gets worse when Sadie is napping or sleeping. I reach across my bed looking for you. I stand outside the door to our room and put my hand to the door wishing I could hear your voice. I even had a crazy thought of you with another man. If I lost you to another man… I would accept that over what really happened. That’s how fucked up my head is right now.
We became a family in this house, Ev. I carried you through the doorway. You decorated everything in this house. I worked my ass off to earn as much as I could at the garage and gave it all to you, loving the way you loved having this house to make our own. You pregnant, sitting on the couch with your feet up. A rippled potato chip sticking out of a scoop of ice cream, the bowl balanced on your round belly. You’d watch the craziest shows with a wild look in your eyes but if a commercial came on with a family or pets, you’d cry. Shit, commercials about home loans, security systems, cars, clothing… you were such a sucker for those commercials.
I loved your belly. I loved resting my head on it. On my knees, on the floor before you. I was forever yours, Everly. I bowed to you. You commanded me. I could stand a hundred feet tall over your five foot frame and you’d still destroy me with your eyes and words. I’d hug you and I’d feel Sadie kick me. I’d cry but make sure you never saw it.
You’d run your fingers through my hair. I’d breathe in that moment and tell myself I would never forget it.
Here I thought I’d someday talk to you about that shit… not write it in a letter that will get shoved into a closet. A letter you’d never read because you can’t fucking read it.
I remember you pacing the downstairs when you started to go into labor. You made me get a notebook and time the contractions. I walked by your side for hours, overnight, waiting for something to happen. And what did we do? We went back to bed around four. I figured I’d get three hours of sleep and hit the shop for eight. But at six in the morning you woke me up. You were trying to sneak out of the bed, embarrassed that you wet the bed. Ah, Ev, that was such a moment. Your water broke. You were nine months pregnant. You were still trying to be this perfect woman for me. I loved you so much for so much but that moment was just…
You looked back at me and I saw it in your eyes. You needed me more than ever. You were terrified. You had no clue what to expect.
And I was there. You chose me to be the guy to be there. You chose me to trust with everything in those precious and scary moments of your life.
You never told me how I did and that’s okay.
We made it.
We got to the hospital. I threw the keys to my truck at a guy in a black shirt, thinking he was a security guard. He was just some guy waiting for his ride. Thankfully he didn’t steal my truck. I raced you to the elevators, your hand squeezing mine. I got you up to labor and delivery.
Then it all happened.
Within a few hours after that it was just you, me, and Sadie.
And now it’s just me and Sadie.
And it’s so quiet, Ev. The house is quiet. You’re not moving furniture around. You’re not worried about paint colors. You’re not looking to the weekend to go to little antique shops for shit to hang on the walls. You’re not standing in the kitchen, looking out the window, blowing into a fresh cup of coffee.
You’re not here, Everly.
But I’m here.
I signed up for forever with you. I didn’t sign up to being alone.
It’s so quiet… but not in my head. Not in my heart either.
I love you endlessly,
Jake
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Box o’ Letters
(Jake)
I held the box in my hand. I stared down, frowning. I made myself a promise. A rule. Whatever you wanted to call it. The first few letters I wrote I took to Everly. I put them right there at the headstone. They were always gone. Of course. Wind blew them away. Maybe a bird took them to make a nest. Maybe the groundskeeper took them and threw them out or saved them. Who knows.
After the first few times I started to just keep them. She wasn’t going to read them either way. So I threw them into a box. Again and again and again. I kept that box hidden like a dark secret.
Nobody knew about it.
Until now…
I walked from the bedroom and went downstairs. As I passed by Sadie’s room I heard Emily’s voice as she read her a bedtime story. I couldn't even stop to listen. My heart was just tattered. Emily was doing Everly’s job and I wanted more than anything to know that it was okay. But the acceptance of it was solely on my soul.
And as I carried the box to the dining room table, it was all a part of the acceptance.
I put the box on the table and stood there, waiting for Emily.
“Okay,” Emily said as she walked through the living room. “Three books later, she’s relaxed. Now she just needs a kiss from her Daddy.”
Emily touched my back.
I stepped to the side and pointed to the box.
“What’s that?”
“My goodbye,” I said. “To Everly.”
“Oh,” Emily said.
“My way of coping was to write her letters. Tell her everything that was going on in my life. It was the only way to ease the pain enough to function.”
“Jake…”
“I want you to be able to read these if you want,” I said. “My way of moving on. Nothing hidden between us.”
“You don’t have to do this.”
“I know. But you gave me everything of you, Emily. And that means a lot to me. You trust me with your secrets, fears, doubts. So I’m trusting you with mine. Everything in these letters is as real and as raw as emotions can get. You don’t have to read a single one. But I want you to know they exist and they are always there for you to read. So if I get lost in the weeds or something, maybe these will help bring me back.”
Emily slipped her arms around me. “I love you, Jake. I feel so lucky to know you. To love you. To have you love me back. But I feel guilty sometimes of how it came to be.”
I hugged her and shut my eyes. “I know, Em. I feel the exact same.”
We were silent for a few seconds before I kissed the top of her head and broke away.
I had to go get Sadie finished up for the night.
Which was good.
I needed the innocence.
I walked into Sadie’s room and she was already asleep. That was a shock to me because she never fell asleep without five hugs, four kisses, three questions, two pillow flips, and one check for monsters in the closet.
But Emily had done it.
She had secured all of Sadie’s worries about the night and made her comfortable enough to just sleep.
I grabbed a princess book off the nightstand and tucked it away on the bookshelf. I walked to the fishbowl where the damn goldfish was still swimming around. I crouched and flicked the bowl. The fish jumped and swam in circles.
I looked around the room and took a deep breath.
Downstairs I had given Emily the last piece of the puzzle. What made me who I was. And if she could love me through the letters and the anniversaries, then she was… the one.
I never thought in my wildest dreams I would buy a second ring for a woman to wear but Emily was right there in my heart. I wanted to capture her for whatever was left of forever. It was amazing that the word forever meant something so different a handful of years ago than it did now.
I walked to the bed and leaned over Sadie. I kissed her cheek.
“I love you, sweetheart,” I whispered. “Sleep tight. I’ll see you in the morning.”
With every step I took from the bedroom I felt like things were changing. I had thoughts racing through my head.
Downstairs I found Emily standing where I left her. She hadn’t even touched the box of letters.
“Sadie okay?” she asked.
“Perfect,” I said. “You got her to sleep. Amazing. You’re amazing, Em.”
She shook her head. “Hardly.”
“You didn’t read anything?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“I don’t need to,” she said. “The gesture alone is more than enough, Jake. Those are your private words to your fiancée, Jake. I will never get in between that. Whatever you felt or still feel are your feelings.”
“How the fuck are you so perfect?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” she said with a grin. “I guess I just am.”
I laughed. I wrapped my arms around Emily and hugged her. I had to get rid of the box so Sadie didn’t see it and try to read anything. Someday I would give her that box and she could then read and make up her own mind on things. I never wanted to guide her mind one way or another even though I had done just that.
I had really fucked up.
So badly…
There was one more secret I hadn’t told Emily just yet.
Emily fell asleep in my arms. My eyes scanned the room. There was something fucked up about it. Being in the guest bedroom with the woman I loved. We were so close together. We had nothing but our love. In some ways that was the most perfect thing I had ever heard of in my life. We didn’t need a room, a place, decorations, all that shit. We just needed each other and whatever came with that.
I had the box of letters tucked away in the closet agai
n.
I rolled Emily to her side and kissed her bare shoulder. Her skin smelled sweet. She tasted sweet. The room still lingered with the pleasured filled moans and lip biting cries that had been echoing around from what we had done just a little while before.
Reaching for the nightstand, I opened the drawer and reached into the back for the bottle of medicine. I stared at it. I thumbed the label. I looked at the date when the prescription was filled. The day I sat on the edge of the bed, unsure what to do with it. I never wanted to chase away the pain from losing Everly but I didn’t want to slip too far away from the world. One time Mickey told me I should just sell the house and start over. I even talked to a realtor and slowly started that process. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t imagine not having the house where Everly was last alive.
I had been forever left with a horrible decision to make. Take the pills to ease my mind so I could live in the house. Or just sell the house and begin the process of forgetting Everly.
I said fuck off to both.
“Fuck off,” I whispered.
I put the medicine away and shut off the light.
I couldn’t sleep though.
I had to tell Emily what I had done with Sadie after Everly was gone.
To put it simply, I never told Sadie that Everly had died. She was too young then and maybe now she was still too young. Maybe she wasn’t. But each day I let it go was a day she got more and more confused. I let her believe whatever her beautiful mind wanted to believe. I told her that angels took Everly for a little while. I didn’t know how else to look down into her big innocent eyes and tell her the truth. Tell her that her mother was so tired that she may have messed up and ran a stop sign. That some guy with a drink or two in his system came flying down the street, speeding, and hit the car Everly was driving. Or that when the car was hit, it was flying through the air like a toy, spinning, only stopping when it hit a pole. Or maybe that the medical people didn’t know if Everly died on impact of the truck or the pole. All those grisly details flashed through my mind over and over.
