It was the moment Sarah – and her thousands of fans – had been waiting for. She would be hosting her own show, even though she would have to wait until March before it would air. For her fans it must have felt like a lifetime. For Sarah, she must have wondered how on earth she would fit it into her bursting schedule. But as her father had often told her, there’s no such word as ‘can’t’.
CHAPTER 23
The Queen of Comedy Rocks with Laughter
‘I hope those bullies have all got their tellies on now…’
In December Sarah took time out from her tour to travel to the LG Arena in Birmingham, and perform a one-off stand-up routine at the Rock with Laughter event. Put on annually in the Midlands, it combines top comedy acts and live music for a show that many Midlanders view as their Christmas tradition.
There were plenty of jokes and toe-tapping tunes for the 14,000 members of the audience, and Sarah was perfect for the line-up – The Guardian had once written of her: ‘She can make a room rock with laughter…’
Sarah’s pal Graham Norton was responsible for introducing all the acts, which included Jimmy Carr, Dara O’Briain, 10cc, singer Gabrielle and 90s crooner Marti Pellow. Sarah covered an array of subjects, from Twitter and exercise DVDs, to her almost obsessive love of Twix bars, while Dara shared his hilarious experiences of being a stay-at-home dad.
But the show was interrupted half way through, by a live link up to an entirely different event happening in London on the same night: The British Comedy Awards. Sarah had been nominated for King or Queen of Comedy, but after missing out on an award last year, she didn’t think for a second that she would win. So when Dara O’Briain approached her backstage with the massive award in his hand – followed by a camera crew – she was overwhelmed.
She had beaten off stiff competition for the award, with nominees including Miranda Hart, Jo Brand, David Mitchell, Graham Norton and Jack Whitehall. The winner had been voted for by the public, which made it extra special for Sarah. She may have been shocked, but her colleagues in Birmingham weren’t surprised in the least.
After a year that had seen her complete a nationwide sell-out tour, embark upon another, secure her own BBC2 show and become a regular face on the UK’s top comedy TV shows, Sarah had ascended to become one of the nation’s best-loved comedians.
A few moments earlier, Barbara Windsor and Danny Baker had got on stage at the comedy awards to announce the winner. The audience had looked around, trying to spot the nominees, to catch a glimpse of their surprised face when they won.
‘This year’s king or queen of comedy is…’ Danny had said, opening the envelope for Barbara to read the winner: ‘Ah, the people have a new queen – Sarah Millican!’ The audience whooped and clapped, as camera footage of a very surprised looking Sarah appeared on the screen. She was close to tears and fanned her face with her hands to fend them off. ‘Cry, cry for God’s sake,’ teased Dara, while handing her the award. Jimmy Carr suddenly appeared by Sarah’s side, looking confused – he had no idea what was going on. ‘She’s won Queen of Comedy,’ Dara explained, before turning to the camera and joking: ‘Which is funny because both Jimmy and I blew her off stage tonight.’
Sarah giggled before fighting Dara for the microphone. ‘Cor, thanks very much,’ she said, when she’d finally wrestled it off him. ‘Thank you to everybody,’ she said, trying to regain her composure. ‘Thank you to my agent, my family and my boyfriend and to everybody who voted for me, I’m so thrilled, and I’ve just had to put my cup of tea down and I’m going to cry any minute, thank you very much.’
It was clear it was a crowning moment for the hard-working comic. In a mere seven years she had embarked on and risen to the top of a brand new career – one that is notoriously difficult to even survive in. As the applause rang out, Sarah tried to take it all in. She had made it.
The following day, her smile was beaming out from every newspaper and her phone was ringing off the hook with interview requests. Her Twitter and Facebook pages were flooded with praise.
But as well as the kind congratulations from well-wishers, Sarah was shocked to also receive some startling abuse from a group of online haters. It was her first real experience of the ‘trolls’ who spread venom and misery indiscriminately all over the web, and she was not impressed. But the thick-skinned Geordie took it all in her stride, treating the trolls in exactly the same way she had tackled her bullies as a child.
She told her Facebook followers: ‘Just a little note to say I’ve done some tidying on this page. 99 per cent of you who post are lovely and polite, but for the remainder, if you want to bitch about me, I will delete and block you. My page, my rules. Ta ta for now.’
Two days later she was still being targeted, and decided to use humour to cope with the nastiness. ‘Have started blocking the daily trolls while having a sh*t. Seems appropriate.’ It was an example of Sarah’s unsinkable attitude. Her rapid rise to fame has been a way of standing up to the nasty, the treacherous and the faithless; to tell them that she can live without them, outgrow them and eclipse them.
The world was now laughing with her, not at her. If childhood bullies, a heart-breaking ex-husband and the tough world of stand-up couldn’t destroy her, there was absolutely no way a few bitter, anonymous cowards would even break her stride.
Besides, Sarah had far too much to celebrate. She’d just received word that sales for her Chatterbox DVD had passed the 150,000 mark, smashing the previously held record for a female comic’s DVD sales.
It was an astonishing achievement, made more so by the fact that it had only been on sale for a month. It had been released in late November, alongside a whopping 35 other stand-up comedy DVDs, all competing for a share of the lucrative Christmas market. The record had been set a decade earlier by French and Saunders, and since then no other female had even come close to breaking it.
The French and Saunders’ follow-up DVD Still Alive sold 38,089 copies in 2008, Pam Ayres sold 25,544 copies of her DVD in 2007, while Victoria Wood had shifted a massive 48,339 copies of her Royal Albert Hall show in 2002. But Sarah’s DVD – which went on to sell more than 250,000 copies in total – had literally flown off the shelves at a rate of over four every minute.
‘It feels incredible to be at the heart of a major development for women in comedy,’ Sarah said. Her agent, Hannah Chambers, added: ‘We are extremely proud of Sarah and what she’s achieved. It bodes well for other female comedians in the market and Sarah’s success has certainly paved the way.’
And distributor 4DVD’s product manager Jessica Scott said: ‘We are over the moon that Sarah has achieved this incredible feat. Given her infectious sense of humour and her down-to-earth delivery however, we are not surprised. Sarah really seems to have captured the nation’s hearts this year, as demonstrated not only by these record-breaking sales but by her being crowned The Queen of Comedy at the British Comedy Awards. Here’s to another record-breaking year in 2012!’
Back on the road in the run-up to Christmas, Sarah continued her epic second tour, fuelled by the echoing laughter she heard in every venue. But as she explained to the Newcastle Journal, she was most looking forward to the 10 record-breaking dates she was booked for three months later at the Tyne Theatre.
Despite her recent fame, Sarah would always be a ‘home girl’. Her new life was, she admitted, exciting and she would give it her all – but her family was more important than anything. ‘Wherever my case is, is my home at the moment,’ Sarah told journalist Gordon Barr. ‘I leave it on the floor half packed, take out dirty underwear, put in clean underwear, that’s it. But where my family is and my roots are, is still in the north east. I still love going back. If I’m in a café or train and I hear my accent, I love that, it makes me feel all warm and gooey inside. As soon as I hear someone talking “propa Geordie” I absolutely love it. It’s where my family are so it’s where my heart is. I visit them as much as I can. We sit in the house and we drink cups of tea and we put the world to rights.
That’s my favourite time – all together in the house where I was brought up, just chewing the fat. I love it. Absolutely.’
Despite being on tour, Sarah was also focusing on her forthcoming new show: ‘It is a bit of stand-up, audience stuff and some guests. A bit of a mish-mash of those,’ she explained. ‘My main priority is that it is consistently funny for half an hour. It is exciting and slightly terrifying at the same time. You have to really put your all into it and make sure it is as good as it can possibly be, for if something like that fails, then I think it is harder to come back.’
Only time would tell what kind of reception she could expect from her hosting debut…
CHAPTER 24
The Sarah Millican Television Programme
‘It just has to be really, really funny. I get uncomfortable if no one is laughing. I don’t like it if there’s not a punchline every 15 or 20 seconds.’
In January 2012 Sarah began filming the first series of The Sarah Millican Television Programme. It was an exciting time, especially since her boyfriend, Gary, was working with her too – he would eventually get a writing credit on the show. But she would have to wait two months to see what Britain made of it.
In the meantime, she went on the road again for the last remaining dates of her show, which would finish in May. During that time she also appeared on Celebrity Deal Or No Deal, raising an impressive £20,000 for her chosen charity, Macmillan Cancer Support. It was nerve-racking – especially when the banker offered her £15 and a delicious looking banoffee pie to walk away from a chance at the top prize. The banana and cream treat has always been Sarah’s favourite, and it took a lot of willpower to turn the offer down!
Finally, on 8 March, the first episode of her own show was broadcast. Fans anxiously tuned in to BBC2, excited about what the half-hour slot would bring. But Sarah was worried. ‘Everything’s going too well,’ she had told one reporter on the morning on the show. ‘I’m sure there will be a power cut at 9.55pm and no one will see it.’
At 10pm – after no sign of electrical failure – Sarah’s face was beamed onto television screens up and down the country…
‘Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme – a show that dines at the buffet of TV while choosing to ignore the salad bar,’ she began. ‘I absolutely love telly and it’s taught me all I know. I learnt loads about antiques from watching The Antiques Roadshow. I like it when they find out how much their grandmother’s vase is worth and they pretend they’d never sell it. “Ooh, no, I’d never sell this vase, it reminds me too much of my nana. Hold on – twenty grand? For that much I’d even wash her ashes out of it…”’
She was sitting on a very comfy looking yellow sofa and was sporting a short blonde bob – shorter than her fans had ever seen before. And although she had to be very careful not to swear, or be too crude – a difficult task, considering the adult content of most of her stand-up – her milder jokes were still very funny.
The theme for the first episode was Wildlife and Sex, and with that in mind she had wildlife buff Chris Packham and sexpert Tracey Cox join her for the show – plus a very special extra guest star.
‘When I was a bairn,’ she told the audience, ‘I was obsessed with wildlife programmes. I once asked my mum: “Did dad climb on your back to make me?” Watching wildlife programmes with family can be tricky, especially older members. The sex stuff, plus the bit where the older members of the herd is pushed out to die alone, while the younger members carry on. Bet you’re glad we’re not elephants, eh nana?’
The audience was pleased to be treated to a fair bit of Millican stand-up before the guests were announced. It was, after all, the reason people were watching the show. ‘A 4ft child can fit into the mouth of a hippopotamus. I’m guessing whoever found that out isn’t allowed to babysit anymore…’
She then headed into more risky territory, declaring that she had recently discovered that some people like animals a bit more than others: ‘A survey said that 275,000 Swiss people have had sex with an animal. Which makes you wonder whether those cowbells are a rudimentary rape alarm.’
She asked the audience which animal they would most like to have sex with, and while one woman chose a lion, Sarah once more shared her love for gorillas. ‘I was in Bristol Zoo last year and one definitely gave me the eye,’ she said. ‘I wish I knew more about animals. What I need is an expert… Please welcome a man who can tell us exactly what bears do in the woods – Chris Packham…’
Packham – the star of popular show Springwatch – joined her on stage, where Sarah immediately asked him: ‘Why do you do Springwatch every year? Isn’t it mostly the same?’
Packham laughed and admitted he wished he could change things up by having a tiger on the show, before joining Sarah in the proverbial gutter by saying he sometimes went a little bit ‘moist’ at the sight of a bird. ‘I prefer the feel of feathers to say, fur, or…’ ‘…skin?’ interrupted Millican, giggling.
Packham was good fun, partly down to Sarah’s wonderful interviewing technique, which she had previously used on stage to involve her audience in her stand-up routines. She got him to open up about his bird ‘fetish’, and his love of spiders – but when Packham said that he thought there were far too many domestic cats in the UK, Sarah was almost speechless. ‘But what about all those people who put their clips on YouTube?’ she asked, dismayed.
She showed Packham a series of close-up pictures of body hair, and asked him to decide whether they were man or monkey. His knowledge was impressive and he got all but one right.
The show progressed nicely. It was funny, informative and entertaining – all the main hallmarks of a good chat show. She’d even managed to talk about bestiality on TV – a dubious achievement.
‘So it seems to me that dating and wildlife both involve eating, followed by shagging,’ she said, once Packham had left the stage. ‘The main difference being whether or not Bill Oddie is watching. Penguins mate for life but spend most of their life apart – this seems to be the secret; that and separate bathrooms. Whether I’ve needed it or not, there’s always been someone in my life all too keen to dish out relationship advice. But to be fair to him, he’s been married for 47 years. He’s not here, but we can talk to him now, via the magic of the Internet…’
Sarah announced her next guest to be her dad Philip, and he soon appeared on screen via Skype. For Sarah it was the perfect way to involve her family in her new comedy world. And she knew that Philip was funny – after all, he’d been making her laugh all her life.
Philip smiled and waved to the audience from the family home in South Shields, before recounting a story about how he had met Sarah’s mum. ‘Seemingly, this is what she told me,’ he said in his broad Geordie accent. ‘When she first saw us, I had a sticky plaster just above my nose, on my forehead, and she thought I’d been in a fight. And that I had a nice bum.’
It was immediately obvious where Sarah got her particular sense of humour from, and the audience chuckled. ‘Too much information,’ said Sarah. ‘Had you actually been in a fight?’ Philip said he hadn’t and explained: ‘It was a sticky plaster covering a huge, burst zit.’
‘Oh, what a lovely story,’ Sarah said sarcastically.
She asked her dad to share some dating advice and Philip told the audience that he had always shared his ambitions in life with his wife.
So what were his ambitions? ‘All the mod cons,’ he revealed. ‘Televisions, dishwashers, washing machines – you name it we’d get it. Also, we’d have children…’ ‘I was wondering when I was going to come in,’ Sarah quipped. ‘After the washing machine, obviously.’
Philip was a definite hit, which was no surprise. After being the subject of so many of Sarah’s jokes, he was infamous with her fans, and it was a rare treat to actually ‘meet’ him.
Next Sarah chatted to Tracey Cox, the famous sex expert, and admitted she wasn’t very good at flirting. With that in mind, Sarah had set up a fake cocktail party on the stage, with various
actors milling around, ready for her to try out some of Cox’s techniques on.
‘You match your flirting to the type of guy that you’re going to be flirting with,’ Cox explained. ‘Let’s start with that gentleman.’ She pointed to an older, sophisticated looking gent. ‘He’s sort of been around the block, so he’s used to picking up signals. He’s kind of sexy, so you can be sexy and sophisticated with him.’
‘Okay,’ said Sarah, readying herself. ‘I’m going in.’ She sidled up to the silver fox, elbowing one woman out of the way in the process.
‘So what I’d like you to do is what’s called a neck display,’ coached Tracey. ‘Pull your top down, showing your shoulder – it gives him a hint of what you would look like naked.’ She tried to keep a straight face as Sarah exaggerated the move for comic effect. ‘And then sort of like pretend to massage your neck a bit, this sort of makes your breasts look perky,’ she said, before giggling.
Sarah obviously couldn’t quite get the hang of it, because the man immediately walked off. And after a few more attempts at following Cox’s instructions, Sarah gave up. ‘You know what, I’ve got a really nice boyfriend and I got him by just being myself so I think I’ll stick with that,’ she said, to a huge round of applause. Following that, there was just enough time to thank the audience and say goodbye, before Sarah’s first ever show was over…
Over the course of the next six episodes, Sarah mischievously ribbed her guests and gently mocked almost every TV show she had ever watched.
When Noel Edmonds appeared on one episode she had to rein in the gags because he was laughing so hard at her jokes. ‘For the first four questions he just laughed,’ she told The Sun. ‘I kept thinking: “Get him to say something, please”. I was asking him about his beard and boxes but I had to keep a couple of questions hanging as he was just laughing. I thought: “Well this is very flattering, but we aren’t going to get a good interview out of it.”
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