3-The virus outbreak one. The more recent one of the lot, this one's only become popular since the nineties. Post-AIDS. '28 Days Later' and all that. I don't like the connotations of this one, but it's the most likely one. That bugs me, because in its early years people figured that AIDS was a 'gay disease'. I don't like the idea of this one at all. I don't like to think of myself as a victim of some disease, something that might hurt other people - but would originate from me. That just... it makes me feel helpless.
27 January 2014
I was hoping that the audition would take my mind off what I was thinking about yesterday. Instead it did the opposite, no surprise there. I tried to explain yesterday's thoughts to CC, avoiding the z-word as much as possible. She said "You're getting obsessed, Jay. You need to relax before you give yourself some kind of psychological complex."
The audition was a tense and nervous affair. About thirty of us turned up and packed our way into one of the old unused classrooms in the dark, unhappy corners of the school. The drama teacher (I can't remember her name, I never took drama) climbed onto a desk and shouted out "Everyone is going to get a number. When it's your turn, you can show us what you've got. Don't worry, lovelies, you'll all have a moment to shine!"
I waited for almost fifty minutes before my number came up. I did most emphatically not shine. Halfway through my song, I forgot the words entirely. Instead, I panicked and tried to substitute the words with "something something glory". It was, I guess, a rousing attempt.
I'll know how badly I botched it on Thursday, when the results are posted.
28 January 2014
Woke up during the middle of the night to hear my dad crying. Don't know what he has to be unhappy about. He has the best house on our entire council estate and at least mom has a proper job. And his son is a widely talented artist. If I were him, I couldn't be happier with my life.
29 January 2014
CC, in one of her ongoing attempts to help me to relax and unwind, has said that no matter what the result of the audition tomorrow might be, we should go to the cinema to celebrate and watch the new Paranormal Activity film. I said that so little happens in those films that they are more like Paranormal In-Activity. She punched me on the arm and said I wasn't funny.
30 January 2014
After rushing to see what I got for the play, I am playing 'Extra #2'. This means I will be filling the roles of the sleazy journalist, the wealthy father, the waiter, and the man in charge of a support group. I don't get to sing, but I do get to change clothes four times.
CC offered to cheer me up by taking me out for ice cream, but the place is still shut after some stupid kid cut his tongue on some glass he found in a sundae (stupid kid, ruining the fun for everyone!).
Just as I was about to leave school for the day, the drama teacher ran up to me in the hall, her frizzy hair flapping wildly behind her. "Jake! Jake! Quick, urgent news. I'm very sorry, but the announcement on the board was wrong." I held my breath, not even bothering that she had got my name wrong, hoping that she was about to give me the starring lead. "We also need you to play the window cleaner" she said. "You do get a line, though. You get to sing, though. You say 'Honest Living! Honest Living! Honest Living!' as you clean the windows. Sound good?"
Eh, it's an improvement.
31 January 2014
I asked my dad if I could borrow £10 to go to the cinema tomorrow. He snapped back at me "Good God, Jay, why do you have to be so self-absorbed? Can't you see how hard I'm struggling to hold everything together here?" I really don't see what he was talking about, he was only re-plumbing the washing machine. The way he was acting, you'd think he was doing brain surgery.
February
1 February 2014
The movie was alright, but one group of young girls sitting two rows in front of us kept screaming at all of the jump-moments. It was really pathetic. These films aren't meant to be scary, I wish they wouldn't act as if they were.
Also, we had to smuggle snacks into the cinema because popcorn was more expensive than the tickets.
2 February 2014
I swung by Boots after school to pick up some more foundation. As I was leaving the shop, I walked right into Scott. He looked at me and said "What are you doing? Is that make-up you're buying?" I thought quickly and said "No, it's anti-loser cream. Keeps you away from me." He snorted and walked off. I was so happy that I strutted all the way back home.
3 February 2014
Rehearsals today. For my team, we mostly just went over the choreography for the dance numbers. C'est tres dull. One thing did stand out though, the guy who's playing the character of Roger is very, very hot.
4 February 2014
I made a sign for my bedroom door. It says "I am out. Please find me in the shed. Do not ask why." I plan to hang it on my door when I want some 'alone time'.
5 February 2014
I just realised something today.
I was watching the movie Beetlejuice. It was by Tim Burton and starred Michael Keaton, who played both the title role in Beetlejuice and Batman, by the same director. Tim Burton’s Batman also starred Jack Nicolson as the Joker. Jack Nicolson had a small role in the original non-musical version of Little Shop of Horrors from 1950, where he played a patient for a sadistic dentist. In the 80s musical version, this role was played by Bill Murry, who starred in Ghostbusters, along with Rick Morannis who also played a major role in Little Shop of Horrors, but that doesn’t really matter here – what does matter is that the actor who played the dentist was Steve Martin, the white-haired comedy actor who starred in The Man With Two Brains, but more importantly for this discussion he was also in the Three Amigos, which co-starred Chevy Chase (from the National Lampoon films, including National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation), and was directed by John Landis. Landis directed, among other things, American Werewolf in London, The Blues Brothers, and the music video for Michael Jackson’s Thriller. The song Thriller contains a spoken word sequence by the classic horror actor Vincent Price, who starred against Christopher Lee in the Hammer Horror films, including the Dracula films. A lot of people will remember him for playing the evil wizard Saruman in the Lord of the Rings films, but perhaps more remembered in film circles as Lord Summerisle from the 1973 film The Wicker Man. The more recent remake of this film earned some notoriety on the internet due to its lead actor, Nicholas Cage, giving quite the eccentric performance (“Not the bees! Not the bees!”) but to be fair, he tends to do this in most of his films. Now, Nicholas Cage used to go out with Lori Anne Alison, who was Johnny Depp’s wife for a time. Johnny Depp had his acting debut in Wes Craven’s A Nightmare on Elm Street, but really only rose to fame due to his roles in Edward Scissorhands and Sleepy Hollow, both films directed by Tim Burton, who directed Beetlejuice.
I think that the world may be conspiring against me.
6 February 2014
I have read Tuesday’s diary entry, and I am now wondering how many people use the term 'alone time' to describe masturbating frantically.
7 February 2014
Rehearsals again today. I could barely rip my eyes off the guy who's going to be playing Roger, the ex-junkie. He has that easy, laid-back charm that suits the character perfectly, I really can't argue with the teacher's choice to cast him, and his wavy dirty-brown hair looks just, mmm. I almost dropped my window cleaning rag when he started to sing.
After rehearsals I asked CC if she knew who he is. Turned out that he's new to the school. Just transferred over two months ago.
8 February 2014
I asked dad if he could lend me some money so I could buy a copy of Rent on DVD. He looked up at me and said "Jay, look, in case it hasn't escaped your attention, we are a single income family right now. Just download the bloody thing." I'm not sure that I approve of his passive endorsement of digital piracy.
9 February 2014
The Price's had another argument last night. Mr Price shouted that Mrs Price shouldn't drink while she's pregnant. Mrs Price said that
she drank while last time and her baby was fine. Mr Price pointed out that the baby tried to eat her own feet off. Then Mrs Price threw a plate at him. I don't think I want to drink excessively when I'm older. CC said that goths like her only drink absinthe.
10 February 2014
I was sitting in the back of my English class today. Time was that I particularly enjoyed English, but since I had turned into, y'know, the z-thing, I’d simply lost a lot of the interest that I had once in it.
I think it kinda coincided with Mr Jacobi becoming our new English teacher. I had always read a lot (which sure didn’t earn me a whole lot of friends), and in the previous years I had always been one of the best in the class. But Mr Jacobi just, like, didn’t seem to be at all cool with the fact that I would have different ideas about stuff. So like, call me crazy if you like, but I kinda liked the idea that an author can mean something else with what he writes other than whatever Mr Jacobi has decided that he wanted it to mean. But no, any time I’d raise my hand and give my idea, I was told that it was wrong – so could you really blame me for sitting in the back row and drawing little black roses in my notebook instead?
I was doing some pretty good work on pencilling in some of those roses, while Mr Jacobi was chattering away about Lord of the Flies, and I couldn’t help but sit there imagining that the guy playing Roger was thinking about me as well. I knew he wasn’t, but I could pretend.
11 February 2014
I have been thinking about what dad said about us being a single-income family. I guess this means that we are now living below the poverty line, which explains why we only get fish n chips takeout once a week.
I have decided that to help out and take the pressure off, I am going to get a job.
On the way home, I spoke to Mr Ismal at the corner shop and asked if he needs a paperboy. He laughed and said that they haven't needed a paperboy since 1983, and he doesn't think that paperboys even exist anymore now that people can read the news on their mobile phones.
Maybe I should start a blog and sell that.
12 February 2014
As I was walking home today past the games field, I swear I saw the Roger guy from rehearsals playing basketball. I wasn't sure because he was at the far end of the field, but I could swear I saw his luxurious long brown hair flapping back and forth.
13 February 2014
Mr Swanson was on in the papers this morning. CC showed me a copy. It said "English teacher goes missing following bitter break-up". They had all the details wrong, the papers said that he was an English teacher, but he was a philosophy teacher. CC said that journalists don't care what they write because journalists only care about towing the political party line and that they are the worst kind of people. I reminded CC that my uncle thinks that gays and blacks are the worst kinds of people. CC said that people like my uncle are the worst kinds of people.
14 February 2014
So, I slathered some more of the make-up onto my face to cover the grey and the rot, and stared into the mirror, but even when I was staring into the mirror I couldn’t stop thinking about the guy playing Roger. As I was painting on the flesh-coloured makeup onto my face, all I could think was that there was no chance that he’d say yes to going out on a date with me. No chance at all. At that moment – and just typical of my luck – my nose dropped off and splashed into the sink. Yeuch. I fished it out and thought to myself, it was going to take hours to glue that back on. There was no way that he would be seen with me if I was missing a nose. My dad would’ve call this a typical teenager problem. What did he know? He’s not a zombie, no, I’m stuck being the only freak in my family.
15 February 2014
I saw him again today, and I've even found out his name, Archer, and oh my god, he was just the most amazing guy I’d ever seen. No matter how much I tried, I just couldn’t pull him from my mind. He had been playing basketball earlier that day – shirts versus skins, and he was in skins, just my luck! I have to admit, watching his tight body moving on the court was a dream come true. He was lightly dusted with sweat, as if some invisible pixie had been following him around spraying him with a water bottle. His arms were thin and strongly muscled, his chest was smooth – oh my god, you have no idea how stunning he was!
16 February 2014
It is almost March, which means I have only nine more months before I am inundated with Christmas songs everywhere I go again. I might go into politics and have excessive Christmas songs classed as a means of torture.
17 February 2014
Rehearsal tonight. Archer was there. Tonight he wanted to get into character, so he turned up wearing a leather jacket and no shirt. I don't think I've seen anything so lovely in my entire life. So I had been standing there, just staring at him like a total perv, when he looked right over to me – right at me! – and smiled. At me. Can you believe it? No way. No way was he interested in a guy like me, right? If he’s even into other guys. And even if he was, there’s no way I’d be his type. Except…
18 February 2014
The local Safeway is looking for a new manager. I have sent in my application for the job. I felt really pleased to have taken this step, so I treated myself to a three hour marathon of old Thundercats cartoons. About two hours in, my dad came up and told me to go and do some chores. I explained to him that I was celebrating my application. He asked me what it was for, and when I told him he said "Don't be so bloody stupid." Some people never appreciate hard work and effort.
19 February 2014
I didn’t fit in. That was probably my biggest problem, even more so than being all gross and undead. Thing is, I didn’t really even want to fit in. I looked like your typical goth kid, I suppose – jeans are black, hair is dyed red, backpack’s held together with safety pins, you get the idea. But it’s more than that. At heart, it’s just the feeling that I’d always known I was not like everyone else. For years, I’d figured it was because I was quiet; wasn’t really any good at striking up a conversation. It’s not just my taste in music either. I think, when it comes down to it, it was knowing that I’m different, and that I’ve always been different. Being gay was still a terribly uncool thing with the regular kids at my school, it was sure enough to make sure you didn’t get invited to all the best parties.
Of course, having a terrible undead urge to devour my schoolmate’s flesh kinda sets me apart a bit too, ish. But that’s a little bit different, y’know. I mean, people are kinda born gay, you’re not born a zombie.
I hate the z-word.
20 February 2014
There is a massive English Defence League march in town in a few days’ time. Mom is worried that Uncle Frank will end up getting arrested again. Last time they had one, he threw a brick through the window of a primary school because he got confused and thought it was a mosque.
21 February 2014
Caught sight of Archer after maths class. I was trying to find any excuse to talk to him. I was still packing my bag as Archer was heading out of the door to his next class, so I had to grab my books and hurry after him. I'd hit a hurried jog and finally caught up.
"Hi!" I said, spurting the word out with embarrassing over-enthusiasm.
He looked at me with a hint of confusion. Mentally I kicked myself - that was definitely too loud. But still, he smiled. His eyes lit up in that way which made my knees feel weak. "Oh" he said, just a little flatly, "Hey there."
I smiled like a total idiot. Surprised I didn't drool on his shoes too.
Still, he gave me that wonderful little smirk of his, one that was more than just a little bit flirty, and said "So, what's up?"
And I was just waiting for something really funny, really cute, really charming, to jump into my head and make me sound like I'd got more than two brain cells to rub together. So of course, I couldn’t think of a thing to say. I stood there, mouth gaping like a trout for a few moments. Then I said the first thing that jumped into my head - which, of course, was Archer. Specifically, Archer without the rather fetching red shirt
that he was wearing right at that moment, his smooth chest flecked with moisture, his muscles tight and flexed like a panther, his hair cascading behind him, like a Greek god chiselled out of marble. "You, uh, like, do basketball" I sputtered out.
Archer, with the patience of one of those saints who my grandmother would pray to, looked at me as if I hadn't verbally hurled up all over him, and said "Sure do. Why? Interested in coming along to the try-outs on Monday?"
I grinned like a blithering idiot and said "Yeah, awesome!"
22 February 2014
CC came with me into town today to buy some sports gear for the basketball try-outs. She asked me if I have ever played basketball before. I admitted that I hadn't. She asked if I had any money for a kit. I admitted that I hadn't. Then she asked if I had any idea how basketball works or had ever seen a match or knew the first thing about it. I admitted that I hadn't.
After CC stopped laughing at me, we spent the afternoon researching basketball on the internet in my bedroom while I cut the legs off some old jogging pants to make them into shorts.
23 February 2014
I found a box of something called Fluoxetine in the bathroom this evening. The prescription label has my dad's name on it. The internet says that these are anti-depressants. I'm not sure I buy that, I think it's anti-psychotics that he needs. Okay, that sounds mean. I asked mom about it. She said not to talk about it because it'd embarrass dad. I don't think that's meant to be how you cope with that sort of thing, but mom said that dads of a different generation and deals with things differently to how my generation does. I think that's a load of rubbish personally. I know that dad says he's under a lot of stress. He has two more job interviews this week though, maybe that'll make him feel better.
Diary of a Gay Teenage Zombie Page 3
