Trusting My Own Heart_A Novella

by Rosie C.

  To top it all off? My mother was still being vague about whatever it was she was going though, and my dad had been taking more quote unquote business trips. He wasn’t the type to cheat, I mean their marriage was one of the most loyal, understanding, love-filled ones that I had ever seen. But I knew something was up. I only wished that they would tell me.

  Oh, ready for another bombshell? Jenna had been cooped away with Trevor, her new man, and she was happy. Of course she was, and she deserved to be. I missed her but I was glad she had found someone to calm her demons. Now, that bombshell I mentioned? Apparently he hadn’t been all that honest with her. That didn’t sit well with me. As her best friend it was my duty to protect her, especially when she would do the same for me.

  I was like a woman possessed as I stomped up the steps that led to Ben’s house. The door was wide open and true to Saturday night fashion there was music vibrating off the walls and people were scattered across the room, with most of them giggling like drunken fools already. I was on a mission, so pleasantries weren’t high on my priority list but still I managed to smile at the people yelling their greetings from across the room and others trying to grab my attention as I walked past. It was exhausting being the quote unquote it girl, but this was the life I had chosen for myself and I had worked too hard for it to deplete.

  I made it through the whole house without spotting Ben or Stephanie. I figured since it was her boyfriend’s house that she was sure to be here. She hadn’t missed a party yet. I walked into the backyard and mentally rolled my eyes at the scene in front of me. The supposed popular guys were throwing a football around like it made them look any cooler than they already weren’t. I had a few seconds to judge in peace before I was seen.

  “Courtney!” Well, let the games begin. “I haven’t seen you in for...ever.”

  Stephanie ran up to me with arms open wide. Her words were slurred but her balance was subpar. She was playing a game I had mastered long before I even knew what it was.

  “Courtney, I thought you’d never show up!” Her arms went to wound around my head, but I somehow managed to fend her off, avoiding her in a way that I hoped wasn’t too obvious.

  The anger I felt before walking into the party seemed to be even stronger now as I looked out at the groups of people scattered across the lawn. Most of them would say we were friends but the truth was we knew little about one another beyond parties, sporting events, and group projects. I wanted more, needed more. It wasn’t fun being sort of friends with people who knew little about you aside from the front you let them see. The truth was they probably didn’t care. We were in high school; the chances of us staying in touch after graduation were slim to none. We played our parts and years from now when we went through our yearbooks we’d be lucky if we even vaguely remembered the people we were photographed with.

  How I managed to play my part so well was beyond me. It was exhausting, and I was beginning to lose myself, beginning to question who I even was. Did I even know? Probably not. I mean, the more hid my true cards from everyone else, the harder it was for me to find them.

  I smiled at Stephanie, blew her an air kiss, and sidestepped her, hoping my irritation didn’t show. I really had only planned on showing up, confronting the issue that I had learned was Trevor, and then leaving. That never did go as planned though. No, because appearances were important, and I had no real choice other than to play my role.

  “Where are you going? You just got here.” Her voice was whiny, and I inwardly cringed at the sound.

  I gave her my best, most sincere-like smile, hoping that pleasantries would get her to back off. She wasn’t doing anything wrong, but I didn’t have time or patience to entertain her. I was a woman on a mission and in that moment she was one of many things standing in my way.

  “I just have to find someone. I’ll catch you later, okay?” My voice was as sweet as it had ever been.

  A few beats passed before she looked satisfied enough. She gave me a nod and sashayed off, probably in search of someone else to bug.

  I searched the yard, satisfaction mixing with rage when I spotted the guy I’d love nothing more than to shove headfirst into a wall. My fingertips tingled from the adrenaline. Confrontations weren’t my strong suit, especially since appearances were usually so crucial, but I really didn’t care. I needed to address the issue before it escalated even further out of hand.

  I marched toward my target, ignoring the greetings from each person I passed. I pushed into the group of guys, ignoring their annoyed, confused glances as I stood in front of Trevor, the guy my best friend was sure she loved. My heart stung at the thought. This was going to destroy her. I only hoped she would survive it.

  Trevor looked down at me, a look of irritation and worry taking over his features. I narrowed my eyes further and internally readied myself for the fight I was going to have. The very public fight, but it was too late to turn back. I needed to do this for Jenna.

  “Who the hell do you think you are?” I seethed, my voice cracking toward the end.

  Trevor stood taller, his hand turning red from the grip he had on his drink can. He was getting pissed. Good, that would make this even more easy.

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said, moving his head closer toward mine. “But you might want to walk away before you make a scene.”

  “Yeah, that’s the last thing on my mind, buddy.” I poked his chest, my body burning with barely restrained anger. He had no idea who he was dealing with. I was more than the popular, social, party girl. Everyone else was about to find out just how unladylike I could be. “I know about the real reason you’re with Jenna, and that stops now.”

  A flash of something that looked a whole lot like sadness appeared in his eyes before he caught himself, hardening them to their natural state of indifference. The more time I spent around this guy, the more I questioned what Jenna saw in him. But it wasn’t my place to intervene, she had enough going on in her life. Which is why I was confronting him about it first, instead of going to her.

  “I don’t know what you’ve had to drink tonight, Courtney,” he said my name in disdain, taking a step back from my probing finger. “But you need to back up. You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “Oh yeah?” I clenched my hands at my sides, letting the sting of my fingernails against my palms keep me grounded. “You want to explain why I heard a few of your teammates talking about how you were only dating Jenna to get information about her past, about the incident she went through years ago? I’ve got news for you, it’s none of their damn business and it definitely isn’t yours. Not if you’re going to betray her trust and use it against her like a real-life man pig.”

  The other people in the group had stepped away from us, but they stayed close enough to hear our confrontation. I had no doubt this would be spread around the whole school come Monday morning, but I really didn’t care. I would later, but in that moment the only thing I was concerned with was making sure Mr. Lying A-hole stayed away from my best friend.

  “You need to back off.” His voice was filled with frustration.

  “Uh, yeah, no, I really don’t think so. Jenna deserves better than some wannabe spy just looking to have a good laugh with his friends. She’s been through too much, and what she did or why she did it isn’t anyone’s business, especially not theirs.” I gestured toward the group of people eavesdropping on our conversation.

  “I really do care about her.” His voice softened, if only slightly. “At first, yeah, getting to know her was a joke, but it’s more than that. She’s more than that. I haven’t told them anything and I’m not going to.”

  I was taken aback by the sincerity in his tone. Either he was a really good liar or he meant what he said. Believing the latter meant that he wasn’t a complete jerk, and that meant less hurt for Jenna. I honestly didn’t know what to believe, but I knew what I needed to.

  “I’m going to give you a very large benefit of doubt. My doubt.” I took
a deep breath, trying to calm my racing heart. “If I find out what you just said was a load of crap, I promise you’ll regret it. I’m doing this for Jenna, if I had it my way you’d be on your way to another new school and my best friend would be free of whatever hold you have on her.”

  “Your best friend huh?” He smirked, and my body broke out in goosebumps at the slight creepiness of it. What was he getting at? “That’s actually really funny considering you haven’t hung out with her in awhile.”

  I took a step back, my eyes heating with anger. He didn’t know a thing about my friendship with Jenna. “Well, you do take up all of her time, so.”

  “Oh yeah? Do you see her here right now?” He was practically snarling at me.

  “I don’t know what your deal is but I promise if you don’t stop with the jerk act, you and I are going to have a serious problem.”

  He held his hands in front of him. “All I’m saying is that I’m here and so are you, so where does that leave Jenna?”

  “I don’t like your arrogance, Trevor. I mean it. If you don’t back off, we’re going to have an issue.”

  “Seems to me like we already do.”

  I stared at him, my jaw slacking for a moment before I gained control of my reaction. “I’d watch your back. The only reason I’m not going to tell Jenna about your little bet with the team is because she’s actually happy, and I haven’t heard any new rumors, which means that you must be telling the truth.”

  He shook his head, looking like he wanted to say more. Before he could, I was already turning on my heel and headed out the side gate. I leaned against the wooden structure, my breath coming out in quick spurts. I clawed at my chest, trying to get a hold of my breathing. I didn’t panic. I tried not to. But he had rattled me, and not in a good way. I’d have to revisit that conversation again sometime soon and I already wasn’t looking forward to it.

  I was halfway home when a hand lightly gripped my bicep. I yanked my arm away and turned to glare at whoever it was, prepared to scream if I needed to. My eyes widened in surprise, and I swallowed the scream I had been ready to unleash on the mystery hand.

  “Josh.” I breathed out. I hadn’t seen him since our conversation after school, if one could even call it that. I don’t know what that was.

  “Courtney,” he said with a smile in his voice. His eyes scanned my face before he locked his amber eyes onto my deep blue ones. He wasn’t your typical gorgeous, but his openness, the way his eyes, his smile, could wound up my heart, made him more attractive than I would ever admit out loud.

  “You’re just everywhere, aren’t you?” As I said the words, I knew they weren’t true. I hadn’t seen him all week. As embarrassing to myself as it was to admit, I had missed his persistence. It was something I actually wanted — for someone to chase me and not give up, even when I gave in.

  His lips quirked up in a half smile. “What can I say? You bring out the stalker in me.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Cute.”

  He took a step toward me, and my body immediately reacted, begging me to lean against him. Traitor. Didn’t my body know I needed to not fall for this guy? I placed a hand against his chest in an attempt to keep him at a small distance. Instead, my hand curved against his middle and I watched the rise and fall of his shirt, studying his heartbeat. I could feel its pressure against my palm, noting how it matched my own. Was he as affected by me as I was by him? I shook my head.

  No, Courtney. Just walk away. You can do it.

  I ignored the voice. I couldn’t do it.

  He was looking at me with whiskey-colored eyes full of permission and hope. One touch wouldn’t hurt. One touch would be enough and then we’d go back to doing whatever dance we had been doing. It would be easy. So easy.

  Not. Courtney, you’re going to want more than one touch.

  I continued to chide myself, not that it was having much of an impact on my decision. That had already been made the second my hand made contact with him.

  I tapped my fingers along the soft fabric against his skin, doing little more to convince myself of why this wasn’t a very good idea. His his hand lightly gripped mine and removed it from his chest, pulling my body swiftly against his. I couldn’t even say I was surprised. And judging by the heated expression that took over his face, I was willing to bet that he wasn’t all that shocked either.

  “What are you afraid of, huh?” He asked, huskily.

  I could have pulled away, could have acted like I didn’t have an answer to his question, that I didn’t want to answer it. But that would have been a lie, and I had been doing enough of that since the day I figured out what a lie even was.

  The truth was supposed to set you free, isn’t that what people said? I was about to test that theory, reputation be damned.

  “Everything,” I whispered, pressing my body tighter against his, my anger from the party forgotten and replaced with something stronger — lust. “Gosh, I’m afraid of everything.”

  I watched as questions swam in his eyes. Before he could ask them, I tilted my head up and grabbed his head, pulling his face closer to mine. Before I could close the distance, he beat me to it. His lips pressed purposefully against mine. As our lips synced and we moved as one while our urgent kisses communicated all the words neither one of us were brave enough to say.

  He kissed me like I actually mattered, like this moment was going to mean more than a tally or memory to bring up when he bragged to his friends about the girls he had bagged. He kissed me like it was more — like I was more. That realization electrocuted my heart and begged for it to go into protection mode. I ignored it, ignored the urge to split and run. This moment was more to me, no matter how fearful I was of the outcome.

  What I loved most about this moment? About the finally giving in? His hands weren’t roaming as if they had free reign of my body like some of the other guys I had kissed, and his kisses weren’t frantic or rushed. He was taking his time, convincing my cynical, only-fall-in-love-to-keep-up-appearances heart that he knew how to treat a girl, how to make her feel like more than a cheap, drunk kiss.

  For this moment only I would ignore my heads warnings to my heart and enjoy it.

  Yeah, right, you’ll need more than just a moment.

  I pushed my overprotective mind somewhere else and focused on the gentle caress of his lips against mine. Mhm, giving in was more than worth the regret I’d sure feel later.

  Time had been on my side. I had somehow managed to avoid Josh since our makeout session, thankfully. Pulling myself away from his touch was a lot harder than it should have been. Had it not been for a honking car passing by, we probably could have continued on for another eighty plus hours. As awkward as it was, I yanked — literally, I definitely wasn’t gentle about it — myself away from him and marched the rest of the way home. My body was tingly all over and I tried to convince myself that it was everything other than a post-appreciative high of the kiss. Well, kisses. Plural. There was definitely more than one.

  I hadn’t been in the greatest of moods. Turns out avoiding Josh had been way easier than I thought it would, and for some reason that bothered me. By some reason, I’m referring to the fact that I definitely liked him and I thought he liked me but it had been nothing but radio silence since. I mean, I guess I got what I wanted, but a huge part of me was holding out hope that he’d continue to pursue me. My heart squeezed itself at that reminder.

  Way to go, Court. Continue to be indecisive, it’s clearly working out for you.

  I rolled my eyes at myself. I was being ridiculous.

  I took a giant bite out of my chocolate chip muffin and turned to Jenna, who sat beside me on the bench, staring at me like I had an extra ear sticking out of my eye.

  “I seriously hate Mondays,” I took another bite, not-so-gracefully chewing as I spoke. “And relationships. I definitely hate those.”

  “Did something happen with Brad?” There was genuine concern in her eyes and I inwardly cursed myself for the lie I had told he
r. Well, it was a lie by omission. She thought I was dating some guy named Brad, the same Brad I had hooked up with a few times, but that was as far as it went. There was nothing beyond anything physical.

  I explained that we were over, that we were nothing more than bodies to keep each other warm — not in the romantic sense — and that I wanted something more than that, something meaningful.

  “I love physical contact,” I breathed out in frustration. “But sometimes I want the heart contact, too.”

  She nodded in understanding, a small smile transforming her face. My best friend needed to smile more. I made a mental note to make that happen. This serious talk wasn’t doing anything to turn an already messed up Monday around.

  So, I threw a chocolate chip at her face.

  Her eyes widened before she narrowed them. We glared at each other, our arms positioned in a way that would make throwing our half-eaten food much easier. But somewhere between the direct eye contact and competitive smirks, something had shifted. We both started to laugh hysterically, with tears streaming down both our faces. I wiped my eyes, a joke already forming on my lips, when I saw Jenna’s muffin fall to the ground and her face crumble in genuine heartache.

  I pulled her against me and offered hushed words of support. Her body trembled against mine and I had to swallow back my own tears. Jenna was one of the strongest people I knew but when the world was as cruel as it was to her, staying strong wasn’t an easy feat.

  “It’s about damn time you let it all out,” I whispered against her temple, holding her tighter against me. She needed this, needed to let it all out. When pain builds, denying it release only made it that much harder.

  Trevor’s loud, wannabe authoritative voice pulled us away from each other. I kept a supportive hand on her shoulder, but I doubt she noticed. He stood in front of her and wiped her tears. I narrowed my eyes, still suspicious of his actions, but since I hadn’t heard any new gossip around school, I assumed things were in the clear and that they had given up on their childish task of embarrassing my best friend.