Trusting My Own Heart_A Novella

by Rosie C.

  “Yeah,” I said, pressing a hand to my chest. “I’m just listening to my heart for the first time in what feels like forever. No big deal.”

  Talking to my mom had been easy, but there were a few other conversations I needed to get over with and I had a feeling that those ones wouldn’t be as simple.

  “Courtney,” my dad said, his voice full of the surprise despite his noticeable effort to control his features. “I haven’t seen you in awhile, kid.”

  I smiled at his term of endearment. He didn’t call me kid all that often but when he did it was always difficult for me to not smile. I looked around his apartment and noted how homey it actually felt. He really had moved on. My chest pinched itself at the reality of it all.

  “Can we talk?” I gripped a tray of brownies in my hand and stared at him. Nerves threatened to turn me to jello, but I ignored them and focused on the encouragement from my heart. It was much smarter than I ever gave it credit for. I sent it a silent thank you for the umpteenth time since my conversation with my mom two weeks before.

  “Sure, yeah,” he said, nodding his head nervously.

  “Dad, don’t be nervous. It’s just me.” I smiled and held out the brownies. “Besides, I brought treats. That’ll make this talk go by much quicker.”

  He patted his growing belly. “The way to my soul. You know me too well.”

  “I made them myself, so they might not be the best but I figured ones from the bakery might not be the best right now. Mom says you haven’t been by lately.”

  He sat down on the couch and motioned for me to sit beside him. I set the tray on the coffee table as I took my spot beside him. He rubbed his hands along his jean-clad thighs. I reached out, taking ahold of one of them in mine. He smiled at me and stopped his fidgeting.

  “I forgive you, dad. I know that’s what you’re worried about. Mom told me a little about that,” I said. “Well, I deducted that from what she told me anyway.”

  “You must have been so angry, Courtney.” He shook his head in astonishment. “I’m so sorry for what we did to your world.”

  “No, don’t apologize.” I gave him a reassuring smile. “I was hurt at first but I think I understand now. And it’s okay. You have your life, mom has hers, and I have mine. We have to be selfish and do what’s best for ourselves sometimes. There’s nothing wrong with that, and I see that now.”

  He pressed a hard kiss against my forehead and hugged me tightly against him. I wrapped my arms around his midsection and hugged him back.

  “Thank you, Courtney. You’re the world’s greatest daughter.”

  “I know,” I said against his chest. “And you’re the world’s greatest dad. We’ll always have each other. Just promise you’ll be around more? I don’t like not having you in my life every day.”

  “Sure, kid,” he said, pulling away from me. His face was turning red and his eyes were misting from the tears I knew he wanted to shed. I gave him another hug, reassuring him further. “I promise.”

  “Jenna bean, come out, come out wherever you are,” I sing-songed into her grandparent’s house.

  She had been living with them since the start of summer and she was having the time of her life. It turns out they didn’t know about her situation or how abusive her parents were, so when they planned a not-so-random visit to her house one day after she left them a voicemail, well, let’s just say they weren’t happy. So, they took her under their wing and forced her parents into rehab. Luckily, her grandparents lived a lot closer than she thought so it was a win-win situation for everyone. She enrolled in a new school and it was exactly the fresh start she needed.

  “Boo!” She yelled as she jumped in front of my line of sight.

  I smacked the side of her arm and nearly jumped out of my skin. “That was so not funny!”

  She bent over and clutched her stomach, laughing. “You make it so easy, Court, I swear.”

  “Ha, ha.” I couldn’t fight back my smile. “So, let’s have a conversation. There’s some things I need to fill you in on.”

  Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Okaaaay… are we going to need ice cream for this?”

  “Most definitely.”

  “Follow me,” she said as she turned and walked us into the kitchen area. “What’s on your mind?”

  “My parents aren’t together anymore.” I blurted to her back. “They haven’t been for awhile.”

  I watched as she slowly turned around with widened eyes staring at me in surprise and disbelief. “I’m sorry, what?”

  “Please don’t make me say it again.” I begged.

  She placed her hands on the counter and leaned her weight onto it, shaking her head in confusion. “I’m just processing. How are you handling it?”

  “At first? I was a mess. And I was angry,” I said, honestly. “But now I’m okay with it. I understand why they made the decision and of course I hope they find their way back someday but I’m not angry with them anymore. They followed their hearts and did what they felt was best for them. That’s all any of us can do, ya know?”

  “Yeah, I do know.”

  She walked over to me and stared at my face. I leaned back and tried to figure out what she was doing. “What?”

  “Just making sure you’re not about to have a mental breakdown,” she said with a shrug. “Although those are my specialty, I’m not the best when the the roles are reversed.”

  I rolled my eyes, laughing at her oddness.

  “You’re my best friend and I love you. Have I told you that lately?”

  “Yeah, every day for the past however many years I’ve been stuck with you.”

  I laughed. It was nice to hear her so carefree and happy. It had been a long time, if ever, since I had seen her so relaxed. She deserved this happiness. It was about time her world was righted.

  “Now, let’s eat this ice cream and binge-watch some shows.”

  “Sounds perfect.”

  Being honest with people was beginning to take a weight off my soul I didn’t even know was there. I had one more person to speak with though and I knew he wasn’t going to be happy with what I was about to tell him. I tried to call him but he ignored my messages and continued on with his life like I basically didn’t exist. That was fine. I knew where he lived.

  I knocked on his front door, slowly at first and then a bit more forcefully. I crossed my fingers and toes that his parents weren’t home because what an impression that would be. I continued to knock and when one hand got tired, I switched to the other one. After several minutes with no answer I was about to give up, but then a voice in the deep corners of my mind told me to try the knob. I cautiously put my hand on it and twisted, hoping it was unlocked. It was. I peeked my head inside, noting how quiet it was. Huh, maybe no one was home after all. I went to pull back and close the door when a few framed paintings down a hallway caught my eye. I probably shouldn’t have — no, I knew I shouldn't have — but I did anyway.

  I walked over to the paintings and left the door open behind me in case I needed to make a quick escape. I looked at each one, at the colors being used and the stories being told. My heart smiled at the initials in the corner of each one. They were Josh’s. He was more talented than he ever let me know. I looked at each one and inspected its details. I knew nothing about art but these were some that I’d spend money on for myself and display in my own home.

  I went to leave when the sound of footsteps stopped me in my tracks.

  Nothing else to do but own up to my trespassing, I guess.

  “Dude, did you leave the door open?” A familiar voice asked. My body immediately reacted by breaking out in goosebumps.

  “I don’t think so, man. Did you?” Asked an even more familiar voice.

  “Well…” Josh froze as he stepped into the house and his eyes locked onto mine.

  I awkwardly waved and gave him a close-lipped smile. “Hi.”

  “Really Courtney?” My cousin Levi asked. He looked like he was about two seconds away from kickin
g me out himself.

  I held out my hands and shook my head fiercely. “I just came to talk to Josh. You can have your friend back in a few minutes.”

  “What makes you think he even wants to talk to you? You did exactly what I asked you not to. He’s a good guy Courtney and you’re a,” he paused as if searching for the right word. “You’re a little promiscuous.”

  My bottom lip started to tremble and my throat tightened. Of course he’d think that. Everyone else did. “Right, okay, tell me how you really feel.”

  He went to say something else when Josh stopped him. “Give us a minute, I’ll meet you upstairs. You can even start the game first.”

  Something on Josh’s face must have told Levi not to argue because he just shook his head, cursed, and went upstairs. His heavy steps filled the large space. Josh and I stared at each other in silence. It didn’t look like he was going to break the awkwardness, so I decided to take the plunge.

  “You’re really good,” I said, gesturing toward his paintings. “I had no idea that you were that good.”

  He nodded, not saying a word. He closed the door and walked over to me with slow, cautious steps. He looked unsure of how to approach me.

  “You’ve been avoiding me.” My voice didn’t hide the hurt I felt at his neglect.

  “You avoided me first.” He bit out.

  “I just needed time to process everything.”

  “Is that why you’re here? You’ve processed everything?” He didn’t sound convinced.

  “I’m here to apologize,” I said, swallowing back the fear-entangled rock lodged in my throat. “And to convince you to give me more time. I need to work on myself. I’m slowly figuring out who I am without being the perfect version I’ve been trying to hard to upkeep all these years. I need to learn the sound of my heart and how to listen to it when it gives me advice.”

  He nodded his head in understanding and reached out for me. His hands covered either side of my face and he pressed a hard, long kiss against my lips. I placed my hands against his shoulders and kissed him back. My body sagged in relief. I had missed this, but I missed him more.

  “I missed you,” I voiced against his lips. “So much, you have no idea.”

  “Then why do you need more time?” His eyes gazed into mine and I wanted to kick myself at the pain reflected in his amber eyes. “We can talk it out and go back to how we were.”

  “You hated how we were,” I said with a light laugh. “I damn near kept you a secret and hid you from the most important aspects of my life. I want to do it right with you. So, as soon as I’m done finding myself, I’ll come back for you, but only if you let me. Please say you’ll let me.”

  “I’ll let you.” His voice was thick with emotion. “I love you. If you don’t come back to me then I’m going to you, got it?”

  “Got it.” I pulled away from him. My body screamed at the loss of contact. “I’ll find you. I promise. I just have to find myself first. I have to find my own love before I can fully love you. But I will be back. You can bet on that.”

  “I’ll bet my soul,” he said matter-of-factly.

  With one last longing kiss, I was out the door and on my way to self-discovery. As simple as it sounded, it was one of the hardest journeys I would ever go on. It was also the most fulfilling.

  One year-ish later…

  “Can you believe it?!” I yelled as I ran straight into Josh’s arms. Luckily he caught me, cap and gown and all. “We’re high school graduates!”

  “I can believe it. It’s about damn time too, seven periods a day were starting to turn me into a grumpy old man,” he joked as he set me back on my feet. “I’m just glad we get to spend the whole summer together.”

  “I am, too. It’s going to be amazing,” I told him, excitedly. “We can finally go on all those road trips we’ve been talking about.”

  “As long as you bring spray for your smelly feet, I’m all in.”

  I pinched his arm and glared at him. He laughed and kissed me hard. A throat cleared from my right and we pulled away from one another reluctantly.

  “Hello to you too Jenna,” I said to my best friend. “And you too, Trevor.”

  “You two still don’t play nice?” Josh asked with a laugh. “I thought you were past that.”

  Before I could respond, Jenna beat me to it. “These two have some weird fascination with being cruel to the other. Lucky for us, it’s actually really entertaining.”

  “Oh, you’re so funny. Knee slappers all around.” I slapped my knee and shook my head, linking my hand with Josh’s.

  Trevor rolled his eyes and looked away annoyed. That was his signature response to everything these days. If he didn’t make my best friend so gosh darn happy I would have kicked him in the ankle a long time ago.

  “Are you ready, Jenna? Your grandparents wanted some photo op,” Trevor said to Jenna.

  She nodded, a smile on her face. “Yeah, definitely. I’ll see you two later okay? Josh, be good to her and her smelly feet.”

  “Hey!” I objected as she leaned over to give me a kiss on the cheek. I hugged her to me and whispered in her ear. “I’m so incredibly proud of how far you’ve come. You never fail to amaze me.”

  “And you never fail to amaze me.” She hugged me for a few more beats before pulling away to join Trevor.

  I watched them walk away with a content feeling in my being. Life had a way of working itself out when you needed it to most. We wouldn’t be who we are today without the battles we faced along the way.

  I waved at my parents. They had met other people within the last two years but they were even more happy than I ever remember them being. I didn’t understand it but as long as they were that happy, I really had no complaints.

  I turned to Josh. “So, your parents are cool with us taking off so soon after graduation?”

  “Yeah, they’re just happy to have the house to themselves for the first time in eighteen years.” He pressed a kiss to my temple. “And I’m just thrilled to spend some quality time with my girlfriend.”

  “Ugh, you and me both, love.”

  “You?” He dramatically dropped his jaw. “You have a girlfriend you haven’t told me about?”

  I laughed and gently pinched his chest. He took that opportunity to pull me against him again and press even more sweet kisses against my lips.

  “Let’s go celebrate our life as adults, yeah?” He said against my lips.

  Happiness was bliss. And trusting my own heart? Well, that was so much more than I ever could’ve hoped it to be.

  Almost a year to the day had passed since I last spoke to Josh. That’s almost three-hundred-and-sixty-five days of my heart begging to be reunited with the one person it had ever loved back. But I couldn’t. I needed more time. And the more time that passed, the more worried I got that it was too late for me to get him back. He had tried contacting me in the beginning, but he quickly gave up when he realized I wasn’t going to respond.

  Seeing each other at school had been the worst part, but eventually we avoided one another and it became easy to forget that he was only a few hundred yards away at every turn. I was doing the right thing, I knew I was. My heart had never been stronger. It beat with a purpose and I wasn’t afraid to show the world who Courtney Summers was — once I figured it out anyway. I was almost there, I could feel it.

  So, why was I torturing myself by agreeing to go on a date with some guy named Evan who I had met at a football game? Because I needed to see if it was the distance that was making me yearn for Josh or if it was my heart. As much as I trusted her, I was still worried that if I contacted him, he would dismiss me because he realized how much better his life was without me. Maybe that’s why he stopped contacting me. Maybe it was because he was better without me. I cleared my head of those thoughts. Negativity wasn’t going to get me anywhere.

  We were at the beach with Jenna and Trevor, who were even more in love than ever. Gross. She knew the basics but based on the death glares she kept
sending his way, I had a feeling she thought it was more than it was. She knew about Josh, too, and unsurprisingly, she was on his team all the way. I just needed to know if my heart truly missed him or anyone in general. Was it lonely and needed any love? Or did it need Josh’s love? This so-called date was about to figure that out for me.

  Evan’s friends were nearby being even more obnoxious than he was. I was so glad that I had somehow convinced Jenna and Trevor to join us. I would have been even more miserable if I had to endure it all on my own.

  I was starting to get really irritated at the girls circling Evan in their skimpy clothing. Sure, I barely liked him but still we were on a, blech, date. It was rude. I rolled my eyes. It was going to be a long night.

  The end of the night came quickly, thankfully. Evan, the jerk, had surprisingly walked me to my front door. I gave him a tight smile and opened my mouth to explain it wasn’t going to work out when he kissed me on the mouth. I stood there and let it happen, willing my lips to participate. Instead, they froze, along with the rest of my body, and waited not-so-patiently for it to end. He pulled away with a satisfied grin on his face and waved a goodbye as he walked back to his car. From the short distance I could already hear him on the phone with someone else trying to find someone to satisfy him the way I couldn’t. Those were his words not mine.

  I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and shivered at the grossness. The night had definitely been eye-opening. Why I had ever doubted my connection with Josh, I have no idea. But I was going to make sure he knew just how much I had missed him this past year. If he wanted me to get on elbows and knees to beg, I dang sure would.

  I stayed up half the night thinking of ways to win back his heart and apologize for how long it took me to get my life together. Something told me he wasn’t going to make it easy on me.

  At five o’clock the next morning I finally had somewhat of an idea of what I wanted to do and it was going to take a whole lot of embarrassment and putting myself out there.