“Awe, that's so sweet!” she gushed.
My wolf growled in my head and surged forward as she made an advance, placing her hand on my arm as she cooed. I bit back the growl, but the reaction stunned me stupid. What was going on? He clearly wasn't happy. It was strange. He never minded the ladies before, especially human ones. Feeling very off, I helped them with the last of the wrapping and thanked them before jumping into the truck and hitting the road.
“What the hell was that all about?” I asked aloud to myself, to my wolf, to the universe. I wasn't really sure which.
I cranked up the music and drove, feeling more at ease the closer I got to home. Still a little unsettled, I put on my best smile and headed inside. Carrying in the massively sized box that was easily five times bigger than the birthday boy himself, I yelled into the living room.
“Where are we putting presents?”
“What did you do?” Lily asked, frowning at me when she saw my gift.
I shrugged. “Wrapped it the best I could. It's not that bad.”
“No, not that. What is it? It's huge. He's one. You do realize, right?”
I laughed and shrugged. “He'll love it. You'll see.”
I passed her the balloons she had asked for, and Elise walked in and kissed my cheek. “I'm not even asking. I need you to hang streamers. Come on.”
Grabbing me by the hand, she pulled me into the living room. Her mate, Patrick, was there, shaking his head and laughing.
“Recruited you too, yeah?”
“Looks like it. What else needs to be done?”
“I told you. I need you to hang the streamers. There. There. There and there,” she said, pointing around the room to exactly where she wanted them. “It's Z's first birthday. It has to be perfect.”
For two hours I worked mostly in silence next to Patrick. We rolled our eyes and laughed behind my sister's back, but neither of us dared cross her. You just didn't get in the way of Elise when she was on a mission. It was one of the reasons she made such a great VP of Human Resources at the Westin Foundation. She was super smart, quick-witted, and paid close attention to detail. Sometimes too close, I thought, as we moved the high chair for the fifth time, looking for exactly the perfect place for him to sit for pictures.
Patrick and I collapsed, bordering on exhaustion, onto the couch.
“Would you have mated her if you had known?” I asked him.
He grinned from ear to ear. “Absolutely,” he assured me.
Elise had put Patrick through the ringer during their mating period. We had no clue for months that she was his mate, despite the full pack's attempt in helping him find her; despite the quick friendship he'd made with me and my siblings, he had no idea Elise was another sister of ours.
“Everyone in place,” she exclaimed, rallying them all to the living room. Patrick and I didn't bother to move or get up. “He's here!”
As Kyle and Kelsey entered with little Zander between them, the entire family broke out into “Happy Birthday.” The little guy squealed with excitement as he made his rounds of each person.
“Unkie Leem!” he chanted as he threw himself into my arms. Of course, I caught him and threw him up into the air as my mother and sisters scolded me and Zander yelled, “More. More. More.”
Elise insisted on him opening presents first, before he got too tired to enjoy it. I waited patiently for him to get to mine last. His face lit up and he squealed at the sight of the basketball hoop and two basketballs, much like Oscar's had when he told me about it.
“Your gift just rocked that kid's world. What's wrong with you?” Lily whispered as she nudged my thoughts back to present. I had drifted back to thinking of Oscar and Jane and his Mimi and Papi. Who were they and why was I so consumed by them all?
“I'm fine. Knew he'd love it,” I said, trying to add some usual cockiness to the statement, but not really feeling it.
“Tank you, Unkie Leem,” Zander said, giving me a great big buddy hug only he specialized in.
“You're welcome, little buddy.”
To my surprise, he wasn't just excited about the basketball stuff, but insisted on dressing just like “Unkie Leem” for his birthday dinner. I snickered watching my big bro squirm in annoyance, especially when Zander came strutting out in his new threads to the “oohs” and “aahs” of all the women present.
Family dinner proceeded with little incident. My phone buzzed in my pocket twice, but we all knew better than to check a phone at my mother's dinner table. Nothing was more sacred than her Tuesday night family dinners, except maybe today with the added bonus of it being Z-Man's birthday, too.
As soon as dinner was over and we had sung “Happy Birthday” again, watching Zander destroy the perfect little cake Elise had baked for him that now covered the kid from head to toe, I checked my messages. Five texts from Christine.
CHRISTINE: Boss man, your hotel is booked from tomorrow until Sunday. Check email for reservation.
CHRISTINE: Rescheduled all but two meetings. Still working on it.
CHRISTINE: No-go on rescheduling Rogers, but agreed to teleconference instead of face-to-face.
CHRISTINE: Rest of schedule now cleared.
CHRISTINE: Thought you didn't want to attend this thing.
CHRISTINE: Oops, tell Z-Man happy birthday!
I knew there would be more questions about my sudden interest in a fundraiser I had refused to attend. I wasn't ready to explain it, and fortunately I wouldn't have to until I returned.
“You've been kind of lost in your head tonight. Are you sure everything's okay?” Lily asked as she plopped down on the couch next to me and rested her head on my shoulder.
“Lil, I'm fine. Just work stress. No big deal.” I knew I had to tell her I was going out of town, and figured now was as good a time as any. “Hey, I'm heading out of town tomorrow for a few days. Work stuff. Just wanted you to know, ҆cause I know you'll worry even when I tell you not to.”
“Where and for how long?”
“San Francisco, just till Sunday.”
She nodded and yawned. It had been a long day for all of us. “Okay, please just call . . . like every few hours so I know you're okay.”
I kissed the top of her head, knowing I would. Elise had been kidnapped a little over a year ago by the Bulgarian Pack. We were still at war with them. There had been a few skirmishes here and there, but nothing as serious as the kidnapping as far as we knew. Kelsey had lost contact with her aunt, who was Bulgarian and had promised Kelsey that she would be there for Zander’s birth. She had never arrived and we all assumed she was just caught up in the war and forbidden to arrive or contact anyone from Westin, but I knew it still bothered Kelsey that we didn't know for sure.
For the most part we hadn't had any major attacks or even contact with other packs in several months. Patrick was one of Kyle's Betas and he was in charge of security. All wolves had to train and adhere to a strict border patrol schedule. Patrick could be very laid back and fun, but not when it came to pack security. He was all business then, and we all felt a lot safer with him at the helm.
I knew I should inform him of my unscheduled trip, but I didn't have it in me to be interrogated over it. He wouldn't be happy about it, but he'd deal. It wasn't like we were confined to pack land or anything. I'd check in and let them know everything was okay. My thoughts and concerns revolved more around the Maddie look-alike than anything for myself.
Thinking of Madelyn Collier, I wondered again just what happened to her.
Maddie
Chapter 4
It had been awhile since I last had a full-on panic attack. Annie had to give me another sedative to get me out of the area and back on the road. They picked up drive-through at a fast food joint and we didn't stop again until we arrived at the hotel, well after nightfall.
I was too loopy from the drugs to be of much assistance. Oscar hugged me and tucked me in to bed, kissing me on the forehead and singing “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.” My heart nearly br
oke in two. That was my job, and no matter how bad off I had been in the past, I always made it a point of tucking my little man in. I understood why Annie gave me the sedative, I just hated taking them and the way they made me feel. Helpless. Just like the night Oscar had been conceived.
I slept restlessly that night, despite the drugs. My dreams were haunted by old memories from my childhood. Golden-colored eyes followed me as I ran through the woods, as I jumped in the lake, wherever I went. There was excitement and comfort there, a familiarity I couldn't reconcile.
I woke up thinking of my childhood friend, Lily Westin. I hadn't thought of her for a long time. I tried hard not to think of anyone from my past, but no doubt being that close to her territory and smelling and seeing the wolf shifter at the restaurant had triggered it all. As the fog started to clear in my head, I realized that the male wolf whose golden eyes had captured me and froze me in place hadn't scared me. The fears that ensued after our eye contact was broken were all my own. If I were honest, for one brief moment before I began to freak out, his smell had comforted me.
It was still dark all around and the soft snoring of the others told me I was the only one awake. I checked on Oscar and went to the bathroom, then buried my face in my pillow and just cried. It was a good cry, something I didn't allow myself to ever do.
Annie was constantly harping on me not to bottle things up so much. She said I needed to get it out, talk to someone, confront what happened to me, but that wasn't it. I needed to grieve the life I had lost and left behind. Understanding that was very different from allowing it to happen. I still missed my family. I missed my sisters and even my obnoxious brother, Thomas, who was God's gift to the pack after six girls.
I missed running in the wide-open fields, and hikes up the mountain. I was sad that Oscar would never know or understand that part of his heritage. For once, and only for that short time in the cover of darkness, I allowed myself to remember, and to feel the goodness of pack, refusing to have it darkened by the horrific things that had led me to leave it all behind.
As I cried myself back to sleep, it was with a smile on my face, staring into golden-colored eyes.
“Mommy! Mommy, wake up!” Oscar said, jumping on top of me.
I peeked up at him and when he looked away I leapt forward and grabbed him, tickling him as we collapsed back onto the bed. He squealed in delight, but I shushed him and whispered that he needed to be quiet.
“Are you feeling better, Mommy?” he whispered
I wasn't, but I lied. “Much better, Oscar.,” I said, looking around the room and finding the bed next to ours empty.
“Come on, sleepyhead, let's go get breakfast then. Mimi and Papi already headed down,” he said.
“Well, come on then. What are we waiting for?”
I jumped up and looked around. I was still in day-old clothes, but didn't see my suitcase in sight and could tell Oscar was anxious to go. Sighing, I decided there were worse things than starting the day without a shower. At the door his small hand snaked into mine and squeezed. I glanced down at my son.
“Are you really okay, Mommy?”
I nodded. “Yes. Today is going to be a good day.”
“Was it the woodsy smelling people?”
“Oscar,” I started to scold him. “We don't speak of that, remember?”
He sighed sadly. “I know, Mommy, but I can't help what my nose tells me.”
I smiled and gave him a squeeze. I didn't see how it was possible that he could have a wolf spirit, not when mine was dead and whichever of them fathered him was clearly human. Sometimes though, I did wonder. Oscar had shown a few minor traits common to wolf shifter pups. His heightened sense of smell was the most obvious. Without coming right out and telling him that normal humans didn't act like that, I tried to dissuade him as best I could.
We met up with Annie and Jacob in the dining area.
“There's my girl,” Jacob said, rising and giving me a kiss on the cheek. “You are looking quite well this morning.”
“Thank you. I'm feeling better. Sorry about yesterday.” I knew I didn't need to apologize to them. They loved me and Oscar unconditionally and had dealt with worse from me than the attack the day before.
“Stop apologizing, Janie. I never much cared for the food there anyway.” He winked at me and I knew it signaled the end of that conversation. They'd never mention it again.
Something about the place where I'd had the panic attack soothed and called to me as much as it freaked me out. Lily. It had to be Lily. I hadn't seen her, but there was a certain smell to those in a pack, and something familiar about her smell was all over that place. My heart longed for my friend, my family, my pack. In the eight years since I'd left, I had never felt it more profoundly.
Oscar filled the silence of the remainder of the breakfast. “The Golden Gate Bridge. Oh, and Alcatraz. Do you think we can actually tour the old prison? Can we go to the wharves? I can't wait to see the sea lions! And did you know that in Chinatown they make fortune cookies?”
Oscar for the most part was a pretty serious kid, but he loved history and research and he had been spending every waking hour for the last three weeks learning everything he could about San Francisco. He was a walking, talking encyclopedia now, and it was great to see him so happy and excited for a change. I knew I was going to have to push my demons aside and make this an awesome trip for him.
Annie was still watching me warily. I knew my panic attack had worried her. I hated knowing that, but I was determined to put on a good front for the day.
“I'm okay,” I said, giving her a reassuring hug.
It had taken me several years to be able to do that comfortably, and I knew it meant a lot to Annie. I had never been an extremely touchy-feely kind of person, but after the rape, the thought of being touched or touching anyone was too hard. I struggled to connect and bond with Oscar when he was first born because of it. It was partly why he was so attached to Annie and Jacob. I felt guilty about a lot of things like that, but when people touched me even casually, like the brush of a hand or a hug, it triggered things I'd rather forget. Oscar was now the exception. It was kind of impossible to love a kid and not have them up in your personal space, but Annie knew my personal bubble boundaries and on rare occasions like a hug when it was breached, it had to be instigated by me, on my terms. I appreciated that they never pushed for more than I felt I could offer.
Her eyes were misted over when I finally pulled back..
“I need to shower and change,” I said, pointing out my day-old clothes.
“Then we can head for the wharves?” an excited Oscar questioned.
“Yes,” I said, ruffling his hair, “then we can head for the wharves.”
I left them in the dining room to run back upstairs and shower and change. They had returned to the room by the time I was ready.
As we headed off on our adventure for the day, Oscar began again telling me how important it was that we go straight to this one particular charter down at the wharves to get the “real Alcatraz tour” that would let us on the island.
“Mommy, you don't understand. All the others only do boat rides around the island and don't let you on it.”
When did my kid get to be so smart?
With Annie and Jacob, we all happily headed down to Fisherman's Wharf and to the only charter that Oscar approved. It broke my heart seeing the disappointment set in as we were told that all tours were filled for the entire week we were there. He wouldn't get to set foot on Alcatraz Island, and we now knew they booked sometimes months in advance and we should have ordered online.
We headed over to Pier 45 to see the sea lions as consolation and I promised we'd at least take one of the other Alcatraz cruises if he still wanted. He wasn’t sure if he wanted that or not. Watching the sea lions battle for their place on the piers was entertaining and exciting enough to temporarily curb his disappoint.
Pier 45 was also home to the Musee Mecanique, home to a collection of classic coin-o
perated arcade games. That definitely lightened the blow some for Oscar. It hadn't hit his “things to do” list in his research, but was a small treasure of a place that I knew would entertain him for hours if I'd let him. He wandered some with Jacob while Annie and I stood outside enjoying the beautiful views. We walked up and down a few of the wharves, glancing around the various shops there.
“They won't come out of there on their own, you know,” I told her with certainty.
“Oh, I know, but gives us some good girl time. You want to talk about what happened?”
I knew it was coming. It always did. I should have known that's why she wanted time alone, away from Oscar. I shrugged. “I'm sorry, it just happens sometimes and I can't control it, Annie. It's just . . ."
"I know, Jane. It's hard to talk about things, but eventually you have to open up to someone, anyone. It's not healthy, and I'm worried about you. You were doing so well. I thought maybe the worst was behind us, but that panic attack was the worst you've had in years."
She brushed a stray piece of hair behind my ear. When I didn't flinch, she guided my chin up till I met her eyes. There was much concern there and so many questions I didn't want to answer.
"Did you see him?"
I looked at her, genuinely confused. She was a psychologist, not exactly known for such direct questions. "Who?"
"Oscar's father?"
"What? No. Honestly, I wouldn't even know what he looked like anyway." I stopped myself mid-ramble. It was the closest I'd ever come to admitting the rape.
I knew she already knew about it, though. Without missing a beat or showing any sign of surprise, she asked, "Then what?"
"I smelled something familiar. You know, from my past, and it freaked me out."
Annie and Jacob were both too smart not to have recognized quirks like my heightened sense of smell over the years. I didn't even try to disguise it this time and I noticed her heart rate quicken just a little in interest. I would die before ever telling anyone my family secrets, but at times I just got the feeling they knew I was somehow different, special even.
Forever Mine (Westin Pack Book 3) Page 3
