Around eight o’clock, Linda starts to leave and Maddy and Reid follow her. Maddy shares a sly wink with me as she walks out the door. She let me in on her little plan to throw Reid a surprise party in a few weeks to celebrate his new job. I love that I finally get the chance to help her pull a fast one over on him.
Mom and Evan are still in the kitchen cleaning up when Peyton sits next to me on the couch. “So what gives?” she prods, but I don’t know what she’s getting at.
“What do you mean?” I ask as I absentmindedly flip through the channels.
“Well, with all that ‘Melanie doesn’t love herself’ crap, I just figured you were from some kind of broken home or something like that.” She pauses to survey the room before her eyes settle back on me. “But this place is pretty great and you clearly have a bunch of people who really love you.” As she tucks both of her legs underneath her body, she adds, “So, I ask again, what gives?”
Dumbstruck, I can’t think of a single logical explanation. So I simply say, “I don’t know, Peyton. I just don’t know.”
An “ahem” from behind us, interrupts our non-conversation and Peyton stands from the couch. Mom and Evan must be done in the kitchen and they’re now standing behind us. “I’m going to go grab a shower and get ready for bed. I want to hit the road early tomorrow.” I nod as she walks past me. “It was nice meeting you guys. Thanks for having me.”
“You’re welcome here anytime, Peyton.” Mom gives Peyton a small smile and Evan nods at her as she climbs the stairs.
Grabbing his coat from the rack in the entry way, Evan says, “Alright, Lucy. I think I’m going to head home too. I’ll let you girls catch up.” I get up to say goodbye and Evan tells me, “It was really great to see you, Melanie. Hopefully the three of us can get together before you have to go back.” Evan extends his hand to me once again and I politely shake it in return.
I excuse myself and allow them a little privacy for whatever they might have to say to each other. But, peering out of the kitchen, I can’t help but catch a glimpse of Evan tucking Mom’s hair behind her ear and kissing her tenderly on her cheek. When she places her hand on his chest as she leans up on her toes to reach his lips, I feel another piece of my heart come back together.
The door closes and I hear Mom walk into the kitchen. “Can I make you some tea, Mom?” She knows what I really mean to say is “Sit your butt down and fill me in on every single detail.”
“I think I’ll pass on the inquisition for tonight, Mel.” She laughs as she gets a dishwasher tablet from under the sink. Loading one last dish and popping the tablet into its slot, she closes the door and hits the start button. Conversation would be pointless now over the loud humming and whirring of our ancient dishwasher.
When she smirks at me, I know that was her plan. She’s a smart one! Wrapping my arm around her waist as we walk out of the kitchen and up the stairs to our rooms, I tell her, “Fine. You’re off the hook for tonight, but tomorrow I want to know everything.”
She squeezes me back and kisses the top of my head when we get to the top landing. “You got it. Love you.”
“I love you too, Mom.” I stand there and watch her walk down the hallway toward her room and all I can think about is Peyton’s question from earlier.
Surrounded by Mom’s love daily, how is it that I never learned to love myself?
12
Peyton is up around six the next morning and she leaves before Mom even gets up. Needless to say, Mom is disappointed. “I wanted to get to know her better.” She shrugs her shoulders and adds, “Maybe next time, huh?” Reaching for the coffee pot as it beeps, she offers me a mug. We sit at the table sipping our coffee for a few minutes before I finally break down and start grilling her about Evan.
“He’s cute.” I drop that out there and wait to see what happens.
Before she asks, “Who?” her eyes shimmer with the tiniest flash of happiness.
Fine, I’ll bend first. “Evan. Besides, Reid was the only other guy here last night and that would just be weird.” I shiver and make a gross throw up sound in my throat. She giggles at me and I reach out to grasp her forearm. “I’m really happy for you, Mom.”
When it seems like she finally believes me, she relaxes and her face takes on this dreamy, far-away look. “He is pretty cute, huh?” It’s like she’s a teenager all over again.
“Well, sure. If you like salt and pepper hair, a chiseled face and a muscular body, I’d say so!” I raise an eyebrow as I take a sip of my coffee. Swatting my arm, Mom’s cheeks turn pink.
Over the next hour, we catch up on pretty much everything. It turns out that she’s been seeing Evan since the end of December. He’s never been married and doesn’t have any kids of his own, so both he and Mom were good with taking things slow to start. As she tells me about him, I can see her face light up. I seriously hope that things work out for them.
“So then do you see a future with him or are you still in the ‘taking it slow’ mode?” I ask cautiously. I don’t want to scare her from sharing.
She sighs and slumps in her chair a little. “Oh, I don’t know. It just seems like such a fuss to change how things are. He’s got his life and I’ve got mine. That’s good enough for me.” I can tell that her words belie her true feelings.
“But what if your life and his life came together somehow. Maybe it could be some kind of ‘our’ life.” I use air quotes around the word “our” and she laughs at my silliness.
Pulling her mug up to her lips, she mumbles against the rim of the glass, “Ehh, who knows? Maybe, someday.” Knowing all too well how it feels to be pushed into talking about something that you just do not want to talk about, I leave well enough alone.
I get up to pour us another cup of coffee. As I begin making some English muffins, I ask something that’s been on my mind since last night. “How old is he anyway? He seems kind of young to be retired already.” I push the button on the toaster and lean against the counter, waiting for her to answer.
“He retired early,” she says curtly, but sadly.
“Oh, how come?” I question as I walk the two steps to the refrigerator to put back the bag of muffins and get out the butter.
“9/11.” Her words come out at the same time that the toaster pops, but I sink into my seat rather than finish making our breakfast.
“Was he hurt?” I place my hand over hers as a sad look takes up residence on her face.
“Yes, but not how you’re thinking.” In true ‘mom’ fashion, she gets up from the table and finishes making me breakfast. Sliding our mugs back in front of us and sharing the plate with our English muffins, she tells me Evan’s story.
“He wasn’t even working that day, actually. He was out for a run that morning. You were only five at the time, so I’m sure you don’t remember, but it was a beautiful fall day.” She’s right. I don’t remember.
All I remember was being picked up from school early; I was in kindergarten. When I saw Mom walking down the hallway to me, I thought it was the best day ever. And it was in a lot of ways. We had ice cream for dinner and cuddled on the couch for hours. It seemed like she didn’t want to let me go. When I asked her to read me another bedtime story, after she had already read four of them, she didn’t argue. She just grabbed another princess book, held me on her lap and read to me until I fell asleep in her arms. Looking back on it, I now realize why those things occurred, but at the time, I just thought it was like getting an extra birthday or Christmas.
“Well, when he came home from his run, he saw the news and immediately left for work. By that point, all of the bridges and tunnels into Manhattan were closed for traffic, so he had to walk through the Lincoln Tunnel. By the time he got there, the buildings were already gone. So were thousands of people.” A stray tear streaks down her cheek, which she quickly wipes away.
“Evan spent the next few weeks at The Pile. That’s what the firemen and volunteers called it, even though the rest of us only knew it as Ground Zero.” Mom tuc
ks a piece of hair behind her ear and takes a bite out of our now cold breakfast. “Sorting through all of that rubble damaged his lungs. Finding the remains of his co-workers, the people who were his only family, well, that took a toll on his soul, too.” Mom blinks back a few more tears, and with an emotion-filled, wobbly voice, she continues. “He was lucky enough to beat the lung cancer, but the stress of digging up body parts, that’s what he couldn’t handle. He eventually filed with the medical office and was cleared for early retirement.” Unable to hold in her emotion any longer, the sobs take over her small body. I immediately move to hold her, unable to contain my own sadness.
After we’ve both calmed, I hand her a napkin so that she can blow her nose. “You’ve both been through so much.” My words are barely a whisper, but I know she hears them.
“What do you mean? He’s been through more than anyone should ever have to go through,” she says as she wipes a final tear from her eye.
Taking a deep breath, I garner the courage to ask something that has plagued my thoughts since I was old enough to think them. “You lost Dad so long ago, though. And then all you had was me. Weren’t you sad all that time? Weren’t you always missing something?” Thick emotion chokes the last few words in my throat.
Mom wastes no time and pulls me into her arms. Brushing her fingers through my hair, she shushes me, but lets me cry until my eyes are dry. Pulling away from me, she looks into my eyes, which I’m sure are puffy and red from all the crying. “Of course I miss your father. I love him very much and he’ll always have a piece of my heart, but I don’t ever want you to think that my life wasn’t complete because it was just the two of us.” Pushing my curls behind my ear, she presses her lips to my forehead and smiles lovingly. “You are the best thing that has ever happened in my life. Being your mom has brought me so much joy and happiness that I can’t ever imagine doing anything more important with my life.” She kisses my forehead again as I wrap my arms around her and hug her with all my love.
We stay like that, comfortably wrapped in each other’s arms, for a few more minutes until the sadness evaporates. Breaking the embrace, I tell her that I love her. “And I love you more than you’ll ever know, Melanie.” It’s the look in her eyes as she says those words that mends another piece of my broken heart. Over the years, I really did feel like she was wasting her life on me. I felt like she deserved so much more happiness than the life we had together, like her life was on hold because of me.
It turns out that I was her life.
What about now, though? With that though in my mind, I hit reverse on the conversation and loop back around to an earlier point.
“So don’t you think you deserve all of that happiness that you missed out on with Dad? I mean, Evan is pretty great from what I can tell. And I know that he makes you happy. Why waste all of this time saying things like ‘maybe someday’.” I use the air quotes again and she laughs, again. But then she sighs in a rather resigned fashion.
“What if he doesn’t feel the same way though?” Wait a damn second! Did my mom, the greatest woman ever made, actually just voice an insecurity?
She has got to be kidding.
“Mom,” I say the word with added emphasis just to make sure that she’s really listening to me. “I saw how he looked at you last night. Hell, he freaking made dinner for all of us and acted as if he’s always been a part of this crazy-ass family. And don’t think I didn’t see you two hold hands under the table.”
She opens her mouth to protest and I just waggle my finger in her face. “Oh, don’t even think of denying it. I saw you.” She moves her mug to her lips again knowing that anything she says will just be used against her anyway. “And I think he feels the same way about you that you do about him.”
“But what about you, Melanie,” she says hesitantly.
I hold my hands out to the side as I shrug my shoulders. “What about me, Mom? I’m good. I’ve got great roommates and a life of my own away at school. You don’t have to worry about me; I promise.” For added assurance, I make a crossing motion over my heart. Holding out my pinky to her, I say, “Pinky swear.”
“Okay, fine,” she laughs as she hooks her pinky around mine and we ‘shake’ on it. “So you’re going to go for it with Evan?” Giddiness accompanies my words as I bounce in my chair.
“Yeah, I’ll give it a shot,” she mumbles, but I can see the excitement in her eyes.
Mom stands to wash out her coffee mug and she asks, “Speaking of boyfriends, how’s Bryan? What’s going on with you two?” Yep, I’m that jerk of a daughter who doesn’t even keep her own mother up to date on what most would consider a fairly important piece of information.
“We broke up.” I opt for the “rip the Band-Aid off in one fell swoop” approach and hope she doesn’t prod too much. But this is my mom, after all.
Her face falls as she sinks back into her chair. “Oh no! What happened? When? Why didn’t you tell me? Are you okay?”
So prodding it is, then.
I’m so not going to get into the whole cheating thing. We’re close and all, but I don’t need to talk about that with my mom. Opting for short and evasive, I answer all of her questions at once. “Things just didn’t work out. About six weeks ago. Life got crazy. And yes, I’m fine.”
She’s onto me and arches an eyebrow as she smirks. Holding her hands up in front of her chest, she surrenders. “Okay, fine. I won’t push. I’m here for you though.” She smiles and stands from the table. Kissing me on the top of my head, she asks if I want to join her and Linda in a fun filled day of yard sale shopping.
“Um, no thanks. I’ll pass, but you two have fun.” She hears the sarcasm in my words and rolls her eyes. “I think I’ll call Maddy and see what she’s up to.”
“Okay, you two have fun, too,” Mom says happily as she walks up the stairs.
I have to laugh because the only difference between Mom and Linda going to a few yard sales and Maddy and I strolling through the mall is about twenty-five years.
* * *
After about two hours of pointless shopping, we walk past a Starbucks and Maddy pulls me inside. “I need to sit. My ankles are swelling like crazy.” I glance down at her feet, and even though they look fine to me, I choose not to argue with the pregnant lady.
After we each get a chocolate chip cookie and an iced tea, we sit in a small table off to the side, away from anyone else. That’s when Maddy’s plan comes into focus. She doesn’t say anything; she knows better than that. I’ll just answer what she asks. Instead, she gives me the death-ray stare, indicating that she wants to know everything.
I pop a piece of cookie into my mouth and stare back at her. She doesn’t relent, so I roll my eyes and sigh. “Fine! I’ll talk.” Maddy leans forward across the table, well, as far as her protruding belly will allow her. “He broke up with me,” I admit shamefully. Even though she reaches for my hand comfortingly, the look that passes across her face conveys that she’d figured as much.
“I’m sorry, sweetie.” Her eyes crinkle in the corners as she squeezes my hand. “Why haven’t you called? You know I’m here for you, right?”
I take a sip of my drink and chew nervously on the straw. “I don’t know, Maddy. I was embarrassed and ashamed. Honestly, I was too sad to do much of anything.” I take a deep breath before admitting the next part. “He told me that he loved me first, before I told him about the cheating. Before he broke up with me, I mean.”
Maddy’s face clearly conveys her shock and concern. When she doesn’t say anything, I nod and add, “I know. I told him that I loved him too, but after I told him about the text and the cheating, well, I guess love wasn’t enough.” Shrugging my shoulders, I take another sip of my drink as I try to swallow my tears too.
After a few minutes of tense silence, Maddy asks, “Do you think you guys will get back together? I mean, have you seen him or anything like that?”
“I doubt it. I really screwed up. I’m pretty sure he’s done with me.” I want to
hold on to the small hope that maybe we can work things out. But, my grip on that idea is slipping.
With a knowing look in her eyes, Maddy breaks off a chunk of cookie and pops it into her mouth. “People screw up all the time,” she says around her food. “Just because you make a mistake, it doesn’t mean that it can’t be fixed.” She takes the last piece of cookie and a sip of her drink. I know she’s talking about her and Reid. But how often do things work out like that in real life? That stuff is better left to romance novels and chick flicks. I doubt I’ll ever be that lucky.
As we’re clearing our garbage from the table, Maddy notices a guy in the line. “Mel,” she whispers to me. “That guy is totally checking you out.”
I peek over at him, trying to make it look like I’m reading the board hanging above the barista. He doesn’t look familiar, but when he makes eye contact with me he smiles at me like he’s just won the lottery.
Maddy sees it too. “Ohh, he’s adorable. Go talk to him.” She’s nearly pushing me across the small café.
I actually have to pry her hands off my shoulders. “Shhh, I will not.” My attempt at not drawing attention to us fails miserably and the cute guy actually starts laughing at us.
And, yes he is cute. Light blond hair, soft green eyes, and an athletic build – yeah, he’s pretty easy on the eyes. But still, I’m not ready to strike up a conversation with some random guy. The only time I’ve ever done that was when I first met Bryan, and well, though this guy may be cute, he’s not Bryan.
“Melanie, just go talk to him. Look, he’s staring at you!” Maddy’s voice is getting louder as we get closer to the door. He catches my name and as he steps away from the line, he walks toward us. “Melanie? I thought that was you.” He jams his hands in his front pockets nervously and Maddy looks at me inquisitively.
I still have no freaking clue who the heck he is. I’m sure my face conveys those thoughts, because he laughs as he says, “You don’t remember me, do you?” He tilts his head to the side and I really can’t place him.
Let Love Heal l-3 Page 17
