Gentlemen Prefer Sass: Sassy Ever After

by Cynthia Fox

  “I blew you away,” she said, laughing nervously.

  “That must be it. I just know it was amazing.”

  “And tonight? Do you remember what you were going to tell me?”

  He stared at her for a moment before the memory returned. “Professor Wallace would like to meet you. He’s usually up until midnight.”

  “A fellow who appreciates the evening hours. I like him already.”

  “He was thrilled to hear you’re willing to offer your expertise and wanted to show you a potential location site before he makes a bid on the property.”

  “Have you seen it?”

  He shook his head. “I spent the day buying a new car. Another convertible Mercedes, but red this time. I must have been inspired by your Tesla.”

  “Fancy schmancy. Can’t wait to see it.” Alejandro better make it up to him. The gall of him to deny it. Bullshit.

  “It’s only 10:30 now, can you get away from club for a little while?”

  “Let me ask the boss.” Candace walked in a quick circle. “She says yes.”

  “A benevolent boss is a beautiful thing.” He held out his arm for her. “Shall we?”

  Shane called Professor Wallace as they walked to his car. Candace could hear his excited voice through the speaker.

  “He sounds adorable.”

  Shane held open her door and belted her in. “I find most older people to be adorable.”

  “You really know how to flatter an elderly vampire.” She fluffed her hair and pretended to primp.

  “My grandmother had the softest skin. I’m told I will inherit her same silvery shade of hair. At least I hope so.” Shane was too busy checking for traffic to notice Candace had lost her playful expression.

  It was a sensitive topic for her. A wound Alejandro had eagerly picked open when he encouraged her to stick with supernatural beings. While it was a bonus to avoid the ageing process, a part of her longed to grow old with someone in the normal human way. Love like a human. Die like a human. Knowing you are hard to kill, makes life very impulsive. Consequences don’t carry the same risk when you’re spreading them out across centuries and you hold the ability to reboot within your blood.

  Candace had not lost complete contact with her human emotions. All vampires felt very deeply, but some were able to ignore them more easily and resist their former natures. She felt herself walking the tightrope at times. Her personal vow kept her from killing, but it was often hard to deny the desire to fuck and feed on every willing participant. Candace sometimes worried the gluttonous combo was the only thing left that made her feel alive or as close to alive as a technically dead being could be.

  “This is the place.” Shane turned into a strip mall on Tropicana Avenue, parking in a space between a Thai restaurant and tanning salon. The only open sign belonged to a massage parlor at the end of the row.

  “Sooo…we’re getting massages? I’d bet my left fang they’re doing more than Swedish in that establishment.” She glanced around at the other storefronts in search of something redeeming. “The Thai restaurant is closed, and the tanning beds would most likely kill me.”

  “I believe we’re here for that space,” he said, pointing at a freestanding building near the other end of the row.

  “This isn’t the location,” she said, shaking her head. “No way.”

  Shane laughed and put an arm around her shoulder. “You just need to use your imagination. Tourists could make a day of it. Tanning, Thai food … and vampires.”

  “Tell me you’re kidding.”

  “Of course I am.”

  “The only upside I see is the lack of space for any decorative tomb stones lining a walkway. He can’t be serious.”

  Shane waved at an old Subaru pulling into the lot. “We’ll know soon enough.”

  Professor Wallace was the human version of an educated hairball. He’d been digested and puked out in a perfectly rounded form and encased in a sweater vest. “I think you got smarter by just waving at him.”

  “You’re exquisite!” He plodded directly over to Candace, grabbing her hands and kissing one.

  “It’s so nice to meet you, Professor Wallace.”

  “The pleasure is all mine.” He continued holding her hands, unconsciously squeezing them tighter with each passing moment. “You are such a treasure.”

  “Hey, Professor Wallace.” Shane leaned in, trying to break her free from his grasp. “Interesting location you’ve selected here.”

  He looked startled by the sound of Shane’s voice, forgetting anyone else was even in the parking lot. “This won’t do,” he said, returning his gaze to Candace. “It would be like dropping a diamond in the muck instead of on a bed of silk or velvet where she belongs.”

  “Oh my,” Candace said, giggling. “Your flattery is unparalleled.”

  Shane crossed his arms and gave the professor a sideways glance. “Yes, isn’t it? Expert level.” He took a step closer to Candace, gently bumping her slightly away from the elder gentlemen’s direct line of sight. “Hopefully your next location is a better fit. Just give me a call when…”

  “You’re not leaving so soon, are you?” Professor Wallace shuffled his feet closer to the couple as if to attach himself and ride their wake once they made a quick escape.

  “It’s nearly midnight,” Shane said, gently patting his arm. “We don’t want to intrude on your normal evening routine.”

  “Are you saying I need more beauty sleep?”

  “You wouldn’t need so much as a minute,” Candace said with a wink.

  “Do you like waffles?”

  Shane exchanged a quick glance with Candace before answering. “Umm, yes…”

  “Good! I’m not feeling the least bit tired. Shall we walk?” Professor Wallace motioned forward with his hand and began marching towards the street.

  Candace shrugged and fell in line, imitating his walk. Shane followed, but begrudgingly and simmering with frustration. He was hoping to spend some quality alone time with her and navigate more than just a kiss from those red lips. Now he found himself standing in front of flickering neon sign with several dead letters advertising Butt Waffles.

  “There are times I’m glad I can no longer eat,” Candace said, looking back at Shane. “This would be one of those time.” She pointed up at the sign now turning her hair red with each flicker. “Not even if they were still buttery.”

  Shane tried to get to the door first, but Professor Wallace surprised him with his agility. A sexy vampire put a little pep in your step, did it? His path was blocked all the way to the table, leaving him alone in a chair on one side while Candace and Professor Wallace were seated close together on a banquet bench on the other. Shane pretended to read the menu while glaring at the third wheel across from him. Looking so innocent with the gray hair and spectacles. He realized he was being driven to jealousy by someone who didn’t stand a chance, but it did nothing to calm his resentment.

  “Would you like to hear the specials?” The bubbly server bounced on her heels, flipping her pencil around her fingers while she waited.

  “I assumed the butt waffles were the special,” Candace said dryly.

  The server’s exuberant laugh made them all jump. “I’ve told them to fix it or put an actual dish on the menu. You know, like a fake one or something.”

  “That would definitely make it better.” Candace clasped her hands on the table without even glancing at the menu. “I’m just here to watch.”

  “Oh no, my little diamond,” Professor Wallace said, clucking his tongue. “Why on earth would I bring you somewhere you couldn’t eat?” He looked up at the server and said, “Would you be a dear and tell her about the nocturnal menu?”

  The server looked stunned and leaned in for a closer look. “I never would have guessed you were a vampire,” she whispered. “You sure don’t look like one.”

  “What do you think we look like? Enlighten me.”

  The server hesitated, clutching her notepad to her chest, and
motioned with her head to a table of people who were on the paler side of the skin tone spectrum. They were filling out Keno cards with pencils they’d retrieved from their Hawaiian shirts and polyester suits.

  “Sweetie, this is Vegas,” Candace said, squinting her eyes while fighting a vicious scowl. “Anyone who looks like a walking, talking dead person in a polyester suit is just a tourist who’s been indoors playing slots since their last paycheck.” She smiled and flashed a quick fang. “Now how about those nocturnal specials?”

  The server’s gulp was audible as it moved down her throat. “We have a Plasma Scramble, Plasma Up, Plasma Done Easy or you can have waffles made from…”

  “Let me guess, plasma?”

  “A little crunchy on the outside, but still soft on the inside,” she said, continuing to hug her notepad for dear life.

  “Despite my better judgement, I will actually try this Plasma Scramble of yours.”

  Shane ordered waffles with crispy bacon and Professor Wallace surprised them by ordering waffles and eggs with a steak prepared rare.

  “I prefer to follow a primal diet,” he explained, ignoring the obvious contradiction with the waffles. Once the waitress was gone, he focused once again on Candace. “That young server is the very type of person I’m starting this museum to educate. Let’s debunk the myths and folklore and show them how vampires contribute to this society in every way.”

  “You are an extremely sweet man, Professor Wallace, and I appreciate your interest in my kind, but there are advantages to living anonymously.”

  “It’s not a secret that you’re a vampire.”

  “True, but I don’t feel it’s necessary to point out that essential difference between myself and any other club owner in town. I don’t need to scream from the rooftops and I certainly don’t need photos displayed that remind me of my age and past. Don’t you have any interest in other supernatural beings? How about warlocks?”

  Shane raised an eyebrow, remembering what she’d said about her last boyfriend paying a visit.

  “Worthless creatures.” The professor dismissed the idea with a wave of his hand.

  “Bad personal experience?” Shane asked. His eyes were focused on Candace to watch her reaction. She already seemed a bit agitated.

  “A personal experience isn’t necessary,” he continued. “It’s common knowledge that warlocks are rotten to the core and shouldn’t be trusted. They’re like a disease rotting the supernatural realm around the edges.”

  “That’s a pretty bold statement,” Candace said in a voice louder than necessary. She didn’t seem to notice her annoyance was obvious and crossed her arms in defiance as she continued. “You can’t paint warlocks with a broad brush like that. Plenty of my friends are warlocks. Maybe they have a demon side and that side is the rotten influence.”

  “Wrong,” he said, waiting as his plate of food was placed in front of him. He stabbed his steak and brought it up to his mouth for a bite, savoring the flavor as bloody juice trickled down his chin.

  “Primal manners as well,” Candace mumbled, leaning in to examine her plasma before pushing it around the plate.

  “Demons … pure demons, serve a noble purpose.”

  Candace and Shane both looked incredulous. “You’ve lost me,” Shane said, shaking his head.

  “Demons bring out the better angels of humans.” He took another bite, sending the liquid dripping onto his vest. His flair for drawing out an answer was irritating enough for Candace to think about breaking her rule against harming humans. “When has any human completed a worthwhile endeavor without the benefit of demons nipping at their heels? That fear, the need to escape something literal or imagined, the unstoppable human capacity for self-induced suffering that drives them to achieve greatness – the credit should go to the demons.”

  Shane bit into a piece of bacon and pointed the remaining bit as he spoke. “But they’re the cause of the pain to begin with? How about they don’t cause that and leave mankind to follow their own natural course?”

  “Their natural course of posting kitten videos on social media and making the Kardashians richer for doing absolutely nothing? Lemmings. Without demons picking up their comfortable lives and shaking them upside down until all the guts and glory come falling out like slop, they would fade away into a life of wasted nothingness.”

  “Some of them never survive the challenge,” Candace said, finally chiming in after having her fill of his diatribe.

  “They aren’t meant to. That’s what makes it special when some actually succeed.”

  Candace looked him dead in the eye. “So, what you’re telling me is I should change all my not everyone deserves a fucking trophy memes to include a demon since they were somehow the originators of the challenge?”

  Shane choked on his food as he laughed. The conversation had gotten heavier than he preferred for a meal of breakfast as dinner. He was grateful she was trying to steer the boat back on course. “Back to the museum,” he said, trying to assist.

  “Yes, back to the museum,” she said with relief. “I have to be honest with you, Professor Wallace. I agreed to be an advisor to steer you away from anything too cartoonish or Halloween store cheap.”

  “What do you take me for?”

  “Calm down. That was before I met you, although I was a bit concerned when we pulled into that strip mall. Glad we’re all in agreement on that,” she said, breathing a sigh of relief. “I don’t mind keeping my advisory role, however, I do not wish to have my image or story included in any way.”

  Professor Wallace slowly wiped his mouth with a napkin before clasping his hands together on the table in front of him. “I understand. I don’t like it, but I understand.”

  “Thank you. I don’t want to be a total downer here, but you might have a hard time finding enough vampires to agree to participate and I highly advise you against using their images without their full agreement first.”

  “I thought about that and that’s why my Plan B involves vampires that are already dead.”

  “We’re all already dead, Professor Wallace.”

  He chuckled and leaned forward, resting his forearms on the table. “Are you familiar with a little town in central Mexico called Guanajuato?”

  “I’m not. I was more of a connoisseur of French food back in the day. Their propensity to misbehave made them inherently tastier, in my opinion. Have I missed out by not tasting the fare in Guanajuato?”

  “I’ll leave it to you to discover that. I was more interested in their fascinating mummy museum. It’s quite the tourist sensation.”

  “Mummies?” Shane looked at him with confusion.

  “Naturally occurring mummification do to the climate and cement crypts. They discovered this after exhuming bodies when the families could no longer pay the annual fee for interment. Evicted and now on display for the fascination of others … in a tasteful and respectful manner of course.”

  “They also have those included in the various traveling exhibits from Europe,” Shane said. “I’m not sure it would be enough to sustain a museum here.”

  “Ahh, but they don’t have vampire mummies. Sometimes the corpse is too far along, but there’s always the chance of getting lucky and landing one with a little meat left on the bone.”

  Candace was horrified. “You’ve obviously never witnessed the total destruction of one of my kind, Professor. There’s not much left, and what is gets carried off by the wind. I take great offense to your comment of ‘getting lucky’ when referring to the dead.”

  “Allow me to clarify. Over the years, the graves of supposed vampires have been uncovered in Bulgaria, Italy, and Poland. Some were found with metal stakes through their hearts, others were decapitated. Rarer were those whose mouths were propped open by bricks to keep the body from biting anyone if it came back to life.”

  “Those are normal human bodies,” Candace said, her voice growing deeper with anger. “No one understood death and decomposition in those days. They thought v
ampires were draining the bodies when it was just the normal process of death.”

  Professor Wallace patted her on the hand. “But we won’t tell the curious public that. They can believe what they believe.”

  “As I said earlier, I was initially afraid this would become too cartoonish or Halloween store cheap. Then I was promised it would be a ‘love story’ to vampires.” Candace slid to the end of the banquet seat and stood abruptly at the side of the table. “Shane, I’m afraid your professor here is nothing more than a snake oil salesman. I want no part of this. I’ll see myself home.”

  “No, wait. I’m coming with you.” Shane opened his wallet and left a wad of cash on the table. “I agree with Candace. I can’t tell you how disappointed I am. You totally misrepresented your plan.”

  Professor Wallace simply shrugged. “There will be other investors … other vampires.”

  Candace fought the urge to turn back and rip his head off, but Shane’s hand on her back propelled her forward. “The nerve of that fucking guy,” she growled as they made their way back to the car.

  “I’m so sorry. I swear to you that wasn’t the professor I thought I knew. Talk about a bait and switch. Where the hell did that guy come from?”

  “Humans love money. It should never come as a surprise.”

  “Hey, don’t lump me in there. Remember what you said while defending warlocks? Don’t paint them with a broad brush, right?”

  “What would you know about warlocks or demons or vampires for that matter?”

  “I’m sorry,” he said, holding up his hands. “I don’t want to argue with you. Can we just drive up and look at the stars again? Anything to get the stink of tonight off us.”

  Candace slumped in the seat and shook her head. “Would you mind just dropping me off at Decadence? I think I’d just like to hide in a coffin for about a month.”

  “As you wish.” Shane tried to make eye contact, but she stared straight ahead. He decided to drive the slowest way along the Strip to extend the time he had with her and hopefully break a crack in the angry wall she’d built up.