by Smoak, Ivy
"What are you talking about? Penny loves you. Are you getting cold feet? Is that what this is?"
"No." He pressed his lips together. "No," he said again. "I want to marry her. That's all I want."
"Then what's wrong?"
"I just told you. I'm not enough."
"Not enough what?"
"I can't give her what she wants."
"What are you talking about? You've given her everything she could have possibly dreamed of. It's like a fucking Disney story."
"Not that stuff. She's never cared about my money. It's one of the reasons I fell in love with her in the first place."
I didn't say anything. I knew that. I knew how important it was for James to separate his personal relationships from money. My mother had ingrained in our heads this fucked up idea that no one would ever love us for any reason besides for our net worth. Probably because that was why my parents got married. But it was all bullshit. Just because she was cold and heartless didn't mean all women were. Maybe James was more jaded then me though, because he had been forced to marry the troll, Isabella. I couldn't even imagine what it must have felt like to live that lie.
James shook his head. "She wants a family."
"And she's getting one. I'm the best brother ever."
James laughed. "And she loves you, you know that. But Mom and Dad refuse to get to know her. They're not even coming to the wedding. She keeps telling me that it's okay. That you and Jen and our friends are enough. That they're all the family she needs. But I can see it in her eyes. She's hurt that they won't come, that they won't even try to get to know her. And I can't do anything about it. I can't fix it. It kills me that I can't fix it."
I didn't really know what to say. I hadn't realized how upset he was about my parents not coming to his wedding. It was fucked up, but I thought that he had stopped caring about their opinion when he filed to divorce Isabella.
"And Penny's fucking best friend has chosen now of all times to fight with her. She's not even speaking to her, and she's her maid of honor. Who the fuck does that? And it kills me that I'm not with her right now, because I know that she needs me. I'm supposed to be her rock. I'm not supposed to just disappear without saying goodbye. Especially now. She told me that she wasn't good at handling change. And I just kept adding fuel to the flame. I forced her to take my internship. And I bought that new apartment without asking her. She was right, it was too much change all at once. It stressed her out. I don't know why I kept pushing things. I just wanted to start our lives together." He paused and took a breath.
I had never heard him ramble like this.
"We're getting married. She's going to be my wife. I have to protect her. I have to be there for her. She wants to have kids. Did you know that? I can't have kids. I'm just going to screw them up like our parents screwed us up. Fuck." He ran his hand through his hair and looked back down at the floor.
He wasn't suffering from withdrawal. He wasn't getting cold feet. He was just stressed out. Really stressed out. And the funniest thing about that was that we were here for his bachelor party. He was the one that was supposed to be relaxing. I knew my brother really well. And despite what he might say, he definitely needed a hug right now.
I put my arms around him before he could even tell what was going on. I didn't even care how unmanly it was. Sometimes guys just needed a bro hug.
The elevator doors opened.
"Oh, excuse me," some guy said. "I'll just wait for the next one." He stepped back and looked the other way as the doors closed again.
I laughed and patted James' back. "That guy totally thought we were a gay couple."
James laughed. One of his real laughs, not the fake ones that I knew so well. I was pretty sure it was the first time he had really laughed since we had kidnapped him for this trip. And it was contagious. I started laughing too.
I released him from my hug. "You're just stressed out, man. Penny doesn't care about all the noise. She just cares about you."
James shook his head. "I know. But we're not married yet. I still have time to lose her."
My big brother always gave off the vibe that he was as tough as nails. But he was actually a big softy. "You're not going to lose her. Trust me, if she was going to leave you, she would have done it already."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"You're stubborn, obsessive, controlling, hot-tempered, possessive, jealous, egotistical, and you're probably extremely selfish in bed. She already knows all that and she's decided to stick around anyway."
"I don't think you know me at all."
I laughed and slapped his back as the elevator doors opened on the top floor.
"And despite all those terrible qualities, you're going to be a great dad. Because you'll be motivated to be better than our parents...who are clearly the worst. Besides, you're going to have kids whether you want to or not. I can't wait to be an uncle."
He laughed.
"Here's what we're going to do," I said as I opened up the door to our room. "You're going to get a drink from the mini bar and head back down to the pool to work on your tan. You have to look amazing when you get back to New York, since apparently Penny is thinking about leaving you. And you're going to spend the rest of this weekend relaxing and not stressing over anything. At this rate, you're going to have a heart attack before you turn thirty. You need to calm the fuck down and stop worrying about everything."
"Easier said than done." He flopped down on the bottom of his bed. He still seemed to be acting weird.
"Is there anything else? Maybe I should have used my snuggling card with you instead of Daphne."
James laughed and sat up. "I'm probably reading into nothing, but the past few weeks, Penny's been asking me a lot of questions. Like if I wish I was still a professor. It's like she's been trying to find a reason that I'm unhappy. It's unnerving. I don't know why she can't see how happy I am; how happy she makes me."
"Well, Professor Hunter, maybe because you're a ball of stress and hold it all in until you explode in an elevator and make strangers think we're gay."
He laughed. "Don't call me that."
"What's your deal anyway? You love when Penny calls you that. I saw your face when those girls called you Professor Hunter. It was like you hated it."
"I like when Penny calls me that. Not you. And not random people. I'm not a professor anymore. It's in the past. I want to keep it that way. I want to move forward. I just want Penny and me to be a normal couple."
"Normalcy is overrated."
He nodded. "I guess. But really, do you think Penny's getting cold feet?"
"No. Didn't I just tell you to stop worrying?" I pulled a small bottle of vodka out of the fridge and tossed it at him.
He looked at the bottle and then dropped it on the bed.
"You do realize that I thought you were suffering from withdrawal? You scared the shit out of me. I thought you were actually addicted to Penny. You know, like...unhealthily. I thought I was going to have to have an intervention and make you break up with her before you ruined both your lives."
James lowered his eyebrows. "I'm not addicted to her. Not like that, anyway."
"I know." And I did. He loved Penny unconditionally. It was such a deep connection. They could share one look and know what the other was thinking. I was almost certain that Penny knew that James was stressed out. Just like he knew that she was still upset about our parents not coming to their wedding. They were the perfect couple. There were pictures of them all over the internet tagged with #relationshipgoals. It was puke worthy.
I grabbed a shirt out of my suitcase and pulled it on. I wasn't sure I cared as much about anyone as James cared about Penny. The thought was a little chilling. James and my sister, Jen, were probably the highest on my list. I loved them unconditionally too. But of course, that was different. Penny was at the top too. I loved Penny. But as much as I enjoyed teasing her, I would never actually want to steal her away from James. She was perfect for him
. She wasn't perfect for me.
Shit. Am I jealous of their relationship? I shook the thought away. I wasn't jealous of James and Penny. I didn't want to be stressed out over a stupid wedding. The way it was tearing James up made it even more unappealing. If the stuff with my parents was bothering him, it would probably bother me whenever I got married too. Whenever, way way in the future that was.
"I have to go. Promise you'll head back down to the pool?"
"I'll come back down with you."
"Okay, but I'm not going back to the pool."
"Where are you going?"
"I want to surprise Daphne."
James smiled. "You should invite her to the wedding."
"Why would I do that? We just met. That would be ridiculously inappropriate."
"More inappropriate than screwing around with her all weekend and never talking to her again?"
"Absolutely."
"You should think about it."
"Just because you convinced Mason to settle down with Bee doesn't mean you can do it with me. I bet you're just trying to get me to date someone so that I have to stop flirting with Penny."
"I'm not trying to convince you to do anything. By the way, Penny told me that you called her your little sister the other day to cheer her up. That was really nice. It meant a lot to her."
"Yeah, yeah. Did she also tell you that I jerked off to the thought of her in the shower that night?"
James frowned.
"I didn't think so. I'm disgusting, remember? Don't start getting any ideas in your head." I wasn't sure if I said that for him or myself. Because now that the idea of me being jealous of my brother getting married was in my head, I was having a hard time forgetting about it.
Chapter 15
Daphne
This was what living was supposed to be like. I stared up at the canopy of green above us. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I let myself spin in a circle as I stared up at the parrots darting between the leaves. This was how I felt whenever I stood in front of the ocean. Small. It grounded me somehow. I fidgeted with the bracelet on my wrist, the one that I always wore. The one I hadn't taken off since I got it. It made me feel even smaller in the sight of all the beauty. Like my problems weren't significant. Like everything was how it should be.
These were the moments that made everything worth it. For some reason I wanted to cry. I stopped touching the bracelet and just stared at all the green. I didn't want to think about him. I couldn't think about him. Not now. I had been doing so well. I breathed in the musty smell of the rainforest and relished the humid air against my skin. It almost felt like I was floating amongst the trees.
"You okay, Daphne?" Alina asked.
I was pulled back down to the ground, back to the now. My legs were tired from trekking through the rainforest and I was thirsty. I tried to focus on that. It was safer to think about the now. Much safer than the future. And definitely safer than the past.
"I'm good." I looked ahead at the tour. We were falling behind. "We should probably catch up with everyone."
Alina looked over her shoulder and then back at me. "I just wanted to make sure you're okay. I remember all those pictures in his room growing up. I know he wanted to come here."
I shook my head. If I had wanted to cry looking up at the canopy a minute ago, I definitely wanted to cry now. No matter how much time passed, the wound never seemed to heal. I distracted myself by pulling my hair into a ponytail, getting my hair off my neck which was sticky with sweat. But I didn't need to hide how I was feeling to Alina. She knew. She understood better than anyone else.
"It's so beautiful," I said. I blinked to remove the tears from my eyes. I wasn't going to cry. "He would've loved it."
Alina put her arm around my shoulders and we started walking toward the others. She didn't say anything because there was nothing to say. Her being next to me was what I needed. A constant reminder that I was never alone.
Kristen squealed up ahead as a monkey ran in front of her. "Did you see that?" she said as she turned back to us. "It almost attacked me."
Alina laughed and squeezed my shoulder once more before catching up with everyone else, leaving me behind. I felt that bitterness seeping back into me for a second. That feeling that I was falling behind. The feeling that I actually was alone. Stop it. Alina had been my best friend since elementary school. Just because she was getting married didn't mean she'd forget about me. Kristen still had time for me even though she was dating Tim. And Layla was married, yet she was still here.
I thought about my empty apartment back home. Everything perfectly organized. I was a huge believer of the motto that everything needs a place and everything should be in said place. But I was starting to wonder where I really belonged. In my apartment alone? In my life alone? Which made my mind wander back to what Rob had said to me. In a lot of ways he was right. I did feel like I was slipping behind. All my friends were moving forward in their lives and I was just stuck. I didn't know how to let loose and have fun. I didn't like giving up control. But he didn't know why. He didn't know how much I had lost. He didn't know how scared I was.
I winced at my own thoughts. Scared? That wasn't a strong enough word. I wasn't scared; I was terrified. Terrified of being left alone. Terrified of feeling loss. Because it almost drowned me the first time. I wasn't sure if I could handle it again. So I protected myself with my endless checklists and analyzing every little thing whenever I met someone I might like. I had to protect myself because no one else would. Not anymore.
I pushed a branch out of my way. The humidity was stifling. I jogged to catch up with my friends. I didn't want to think about what I had lost right now. And I certainly didn't want to think about Rob's stupid opinions. They didn't matter. He didn't know me.
"Rob really knows his Costa Rican geography," Kristen said when I caught up to them. They had all stopped. I joined them at the side of a pristine pool of water and glanced up at the beautiful waterfall. The scene was breathtaking. I stepped forward onto one of the rocks jutting out of the water. It was slippery with mist from the waterfall or the humidity of the air, but I kept my balance as I walked closer to the water.
I had seen much bigger waterfalls, but there was something more impressive about this one. The sound of the water crashing down combined with the noises of the rainforest was all consuming. I thought being in the middle of the rainforest was amazing, but this...I felt like I belonged here. Like I was being pulled toward the waterfall. I wanted to feel the water cascading down on me.
"Is it okay for us to swim?" I asked and turned back toward the tour guide.
Kristen had already taken off her clothes and was standing in her bikini. "Even if it wasn't, I'd go in anyway." She laughed and joined me on the rocks, being careful not to lose her footing.
"Yes," the tour guide said.
I stripped down to my bikini and dipped my toes into the water. It was chilly, but it felt amazing in the Costa Rican heat.
"Just watch out for crocodiles," the tour guide added.
I immediately pulled my foot of the water. "What?"
Kristen grabbed my hand before I could step back. "It's fine. The water is clear. I don't see any."
Layla grabbed my other hand. "Just don't close your eyes or one might sneak up on you." She winked.
Alina joined Layla on her other side.
"Ready?" Kristen asked, bending her legs, ready to jump into the surely crocodile swarmed water.
"No," I said immediately. But my words were drowned out as they all jumped, pulling me with them. We sunk down into the water. It was way deeper than it looked and it took awhile for my feet to touch the mud at the bottom. I pulled my hands out of Kristen and Layla's and swam to the surface of the water, breaking through the surface and taking a huge breath of air.
Everyone was laughing around me, splashing each other with water. No one else was thinking about the imminent danger. Just me. I swam over toward the rocks to climb out. Momma Bear. God I ha
ted that nickname. If I climbed out right now, they'd surely keep calling me that. I could have fun too. I could let loose. I took a deep breath and submerged back into the water, swimming toward the waterfall.
Before I knew about the dangers, I had wanted to feel the water falling on my head. I'd do that before getting out. Then no one could say anything to me. Plus, I still wanted to do it. It still felt like the waterfall was calling to me. It was the strangest feeling.
I paused at the base of the waterfall and looked up, blinking rapidly to avoid the droplets of water spraying from it. This really was breathtaking. I had stared at waterfalls from a distance, but I had never done anything like this. I closed my eyes and swam closer and closer until the water started falling on the top of my head and shoulders. It was cooler than the pool of water I was swimming in. It felt even more refreshing. I thought the water might hurt, falling so rapidly. But the waterfall was small enough that it felt more like a massage than anything else.
My peace was interrupted by something gripping my arm. Crocodile! I pulled my arm, but it was firmly in the animal's grasp. I opened my mouth to scream, but water fell into my mouth, muting my cries. I didn't feel any pain, probably from the adrenaline coursing through my body. And I was able to briefly think about the fact that sharks hated being hit in the nose. Did crocodiles hate that too? I slammed my fist on top of where the beast was latched onto my arm, aiming for a nose I couldn't see.
"Daphne!"
My name was being called. It was a male voice. Probably the tour guide. It seemed far away from the deafening roar of the waterfall. Too far away to save me. I kicked out, making contact with something solid, probably the crocodile.
"Shit." The same voice said as the crocodile pulled me behind the waterfall toward it's lair of death. I was blind in the darkness.
"Help me!" I screamed, still feeling like I was drowning in the water. I continued to kick and squirm and hit the beast as it pushed my back against slippery rock, away from the cascading water, ready to bite into my flesh.
