by Smoak, Ivy
Fuck you. "I'm jealous of you, okay?! I'm jealous of what you have!" I really am jealous of him.
"What, my job? If you applied yourself..."
"No. I don't give a shit about status. I don't care about that."
He sighed. "This is about Penny, isn't it?"
"No. I'm not in love with your fiancée. I love her. She's wonderful. For you. I'm jealous of what you two have."
"So why are you talking to me instead of Daphne?"
"Because she doesn't want my help. She doesn't need me."
"Penny and I have had our ups and downs. But I kept fighting for her. I'll never stop fighting for her."
"Well, I can't fight for Daphne if she doesn't want me fighting for her."
"Did she tell you that?"
"She said she needed to figure out what she wants on her own."
"I found myself in Penny. She saved me."
"I know that."
"Yeah, but what you didn't know was that Penny didn't need saving. She didn't need me to come into her life and screw everything up. I did it anyway because I needed her. Sometimes it's okay to be selfish. Sometimes you have to take that risk. I like to believe that I make her happy."
"You do. But I don't see how this has anything to do with me and Daphne."
"You're Penny in this situation. Daphne is me." James laughed. "You're basically dating me."
"Ew. Daphne is nothing like you."
"Isn't she though? She needs your help."
"She doesn't need my help. She needs time to get over what happened with her brother. And I don't know if something like that goes away. I don't know what I'd do in her situation."
"I'm not going anywhere."
I hadn't realized it before, but James was right. Part of the reason I was so upset was because the situation made me think of him. It made me think of losing him and I couldn't think about it. I didn't want to lose him.
"And in my experience, love is the only thing that will help mend a soul."
"Mend a soul? Where do you come up with this shit?"
James laughed. "I just mean that it sounds like Daphne might need saving."
"Maybe." I thought about how I found her crying in the mud. I wanted to be there for her, but she didn't want me. She told me she didn't want me. If she had given me anything to hold onto, maybe I'd fight for her. But she hadn't. She just let me walk away.
"The jet leaves in half an hour. I hope you're not on it."
I laughed. "What?"
"You said you didn't need me anymore, which was incredibly rude, by the way."
I laughed. "I still need you, bro. Don't get your panties in a bunch."
"Smart ass." James smiled. "I still need you too, at least, I need you to show up for my rehearsal dinner. You're off best man duties until Friday, though. So, have a good week." He slapped my back and stood up.
"I'm not staying here."
"Penny and I are good. Everything is pretty much set for the wedding. It's smooth sailing from here. I'm just going to be fucking her senseless all week. Really, you should stay."
"Ugh. I'm done with Costa Rica."
"If that's what you want."
I stared at him. "It is what I want. I'm not going to chase some girl who doesn't want anything to do with me." I got up and grabbed one of my shirts off the ground to start packing.
"I think you're making a mistake. Trust me, I'm the king of mistakes."
I shook my head. "You're going to make a great father, James."
He laughed. "Why do you say that?"
"Because you were basically mine." I gave him a big hug and lifted him slightly off his feet. He always hated when I did that and I was surprised to hear him laugh.
"Maybe I'll stick to being your friend now. You're right, you don't need me to protect you anymore." He patted my back. "Now put me down before I knock you out."
I laughed and released him from my embrace.
"You guys are so weird," Mason said. "Almost ready to go?"
"Yes," James said. "I can't wait to see Penny."
"I so badly want to make fun of you, but I'm pretty eager to see Bee too."
"You're both so whipped," Matt said. He awkwardly scratched the back of his neck. "Look, Rob, I'm sorry about earlier. I just..."
"Don't mention it. You were right, anyway. I am who I am. Daphne clearly wasn't the girl for me." Even if I thought she could have been. I tried to ignore the look James was giving me. Despite what he thought, he wasn't right about everything."
"I know, right? You need someone who's not so uptight. You know, like Penny."
I laughed. "Yeah." But I didn't want Penny. I wanted someone who wanted me. I zipped up my suitcase. And now that I knew what I wanted, maybe it wouldn't be so hard to find. If Daphne had asked me to stay, I'd be beside her right now. I'd be showing her what living truly was. But she hadn't. So I didn't want her either. Besides, a girl who thought love was built on patience was looking for a different kind of love than I was. I wanted something terrifying and all consuming not boring. Screw boring.
"Come on." I pulled Matt into a choke hold. "Let's get the fuck out of paradise."
Chapter 35
Daphne
I can do this. It was probably the hundredth time I had chanted those words to myself. But I was still frozen in place.
"Ma'am, the zip lining course is closing for the evening," the instructor said.
I told Rob that I needed to figure out what I wanted on my own. All I knew right now was that I didn't want this. I had never wanted to zip line. Doing this wasn't going to make me happy. So what the hell would?
"Ma'am?"
I shook my head. "Okay," I said quietly.
"You can follow the lighted path back to the resort."
"Thanks." I slowly climbed off the platform. I knew I looked like a homeless person. I was sweaty, covered in mud, and probably still had sex hair. I bit my lip. The last thing I needed to do was think of Rob. I didn't want to picture how defeated he looked. But he was just projecting on me like I had projected on him. He didn't even like me. He was just ready to settle down and I was the first girl he had run into.
Well, that's not true. He had run into two other girls yesterday morning with his penis. It was easy to focus on that. Focusing on all the ways that we were different made it seem like I had made the right decision.
When Derek died, it was like a piece of me had disappeared. I felt cold all the time. My apartment was covered in blankets so that I could easily grab one whenever I felt a chill. But I hadn't felt cold all weekend. Rob had this warm presence. Just his smile made me feel overheated. That didn't mean he could fill the emptiness though. That didn't mean he could fix me. I wouldn't want to put him through that.
But he offered.
I shook my head. I had to do this on my own. Even though it felt like I needed someone to help me, I didn't. That was just me being weak. I had to learn to walk alone because I was alone. I kicked a pebble on the path. The problem was that being alone felt stifling. It was like suffocating on nothingness. Maybe I needed to go to therapy. Maybe I needed someone to talk to about everything. So maybe being alone was bad?
Ugh. I wrapped my arms around myself. I liked Rob because he was the opposite of me. He was charming and carefree and happy. I shook my head. He had said he wasn't happy. He had said he felt stuck. That was how I felt. Like I was stuck, and I didn't know how to move forward. I touched the bracelet that Derek had given me. I wanted to take it off and throw it. But I couldn't let go. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to be alone.
I wrapped my arms even tighter around myself. Rob hadn't said anything that would make me think he was a liar. So was he telling the truth when he said he wanted more? Was he really prepared to give up threesomes and one night stands? Did he actually want something serious? I knew that he said he did, but actions were different than words.
I was supposed to be thinking about what I wanted from life, but I couldn't get him out of my head. And the realizatio
n was dawning on me that I didn't want to. I wasn't going to stop thinking about him because he made me feel alive again. He made me feel whole. He made me feel like everything could be okay again.
I was so wrong earlier. I knew what I wanted. I wanted him. I started to run through the rainforest as fast as I could. Please don't let me be too late. Not again.
***
I banged on Rob's door.
No answer.
"Rob!" I banged on the door again. "Rob, it's Daphne!"
Still no answer.
I waited for another second before getting back onto the elevator. As soon as the doors dinged open, I ran down the hall and opened up the door to my room, completely out of breath. "What time is it?"
"Daphne?" Alina ran over to me and threw her arms around me. "I've been so worried. You've been gone for hours. Where the hell have you been?"
Hours? Shit. "What time is it?" I asked again.
"Almost 7 o'clock."
No. They were leaving around 5. "Do you know if Rob is still here?"
"I thought he was with you. He said he was going to talk to you..."
"Are any of them still here?" I pulled away from Alina's embrace and stared at Layla and Kristen.
Layla shook her head. "I'm pretty sure their jet was leaving at 5 o'clock."
I sat down on the edge of the bed and put my face in my hands. "I'm such an idiot." I was so scared of losing someone that I had willingly let someone go.
"Daphne?" Kristen put her arms around me. "Daphne, what happened?"
"I'm an idiot," I said again.
"Do I need to beat someone up for you? Want me to find James and sexually take advantage of him?"
I laughed. "No." If I had any tears left, I would have started crying. But I was probably dehydrated.
"Momma Bear, tell us what's wrong."
"That's what's wrong!" I pushed Kristen off of me. "I never take any risks. I'm pretty sure I've never not been the designated driver. I don't know how to have fun." I was pacing and I couldn't seem to stop.
Layla tried to hand me a water bottle, but I pushed it away.
"That's not true," Kristen said. "We call you that because you always take care of us. And you're always prepared. We love you for that. You know how to have fun. We always have fun when we're together."
"No I don't! I can't just do whatever I want whenever I want. I need a life of structure and checklists and a set schedule every second or else I think about him!"
"Daphne." Alina's eyes were teary.
"I can't put myself in danger because I'm scared of hurting my parents like Derek hurt them." Even though I was dehydrated the tears had started falling down my cheeks again. "And even before he died, I was always worried about him. Always. I just wanted to believe he was better. I thought he was better."
Kristen got up and hugged me. I tried to push her off but she was stronger than me.
"It's my fault." I let myself relax into her.
"It's not your fault." I felt Alina's arms wrap around me too. "We were all together that night. We all thought he was okay."
We had been out celebrating before the start of our last semester of college. And Derek had been killing himself. I'd never know if he did it on purpose. I wanted to believe he wouldn't have. But no matter whether it was on purpose or not, it still felt like he left me. "He left me."
"It was an accident."
"You don't know that."
"He loved you, Daphne."
"Then why did he leave me?" I cried even harder.
No one had anything to say, because there was nothing to say. Kristen and Alina had been friends with Derek too, but it wasn't the same. They didn't understand how worried I had always been. They just didn't. I needed to talk to someone who understood. I needed to talk to Rob. But I hadn't even gotten his phone number. I was never going to see him again.
No. Rob wasn't dead. I could find him. I could apologize. Maybe he'd still want me. There was still a chance. I wanted him.
"I need to go to Newark," I said into Kristen's shoulder.
"What? Why?" Kristen asked.
"I need to find Rob."
"I don't know if you'll be able to catch any flights tonight. It takes awhile to get to the airport."
I wiggled out of Alina and Kristen's hug. "I need to go." I looked around for my suitcase.
"Daphne, calm down for one second," Alina said.
"I made a mistake. I pushed him away because I was upset about Derek. And there were a lot of red flags. Like, a lot of red flags. But I don't think any of that matters. I like the way he makes me feel. I really like him. And I shouldn't have pushed him away when he was trying to help. He was just trying to understand. I think maybe love is more about passion than patience. I think he was right. And I miss him. I don't even know him, but I'm upset that he's gone. I don't want to not see him."
"Rob?" Kristen asked.
"Yes, Rob."
Kristen laughed. "Okay, well take a deep breath. How about you just call him and tell him all that?"
"Because I don't have his number."
"Why didn't you ask for his number?"
"I was too busy telling him that we weren't a good fit and pushing him away from me."
"Such a romantic."
"Stop making fun of me." I felt like I wanted to start crying again.
"Oh my God. Daphne, really, you need to calm down. I've never seen you like this. You're acting crazy."
"I can't lose him. I don't want to lose him too."
"I can get his number for you," Layla said. She had been awkwardly standing to the side during our conversation. She had never gotten to meet Derek. She probably thought I was a maniac.
"Really?"
"Yeah, I just texted Mason asking for it. I don't think he can respond while they're flying, but I'm sure he'll text me back when they land. It's going to be okay."
I sighed with relief. "Oh good."
They all just stared at me.
I didn't know what to say. I wiped the tears off my cheeks. Rob would take my call. He had to. And if he didn't, maybe I could try and find him. I could leave the hotel in the morning and hopefully get a flight in the afternoon.
"You had sex with him, didn't you," Kristen said. There was no doubt in her tone.
How did she know? "I...it just kind of happened."
"What about all your rules?! I didn't think you could even do hand stuff until the fourth date?"
"I don't know, I just...I like him. None of that mattered with him. He made me feel like I was living again."
Kristen smiled. "Well, if he doesn't answer your call, I'll be by your side when we break down his door in Newark."
I laughed. "You just want to run into James."
"Maybe a little." She winked at me. "Okay, so let's start from the top. How big was his dick?"
I laughed and put my hands over my face.
Chapter 36
Daphne
"Hey," Alina whispered.
I looked up from my phone. "Hey."
She sat down on the couch next to me and put her head on my shoulder. "Still no response?"
I stared back down at the empty screen. "No, not yet." I said it like I was hopeful that Rob would respond. But why would he really? I told him I wasn't interested.
"He will." She yawned and kept her head on my shoulder.
The sun was starting to rise and streaks of light were coming through the blinds. We sat like that for several minutes in silence. I hadn't been able to fall asleep. I was used to staying up late waiting. Even though I hadn't had to do it in awhile. My eyelids were starting to droop.
"I miss him too," Alina whispered.
I silently nodded my head.
"I'm sorry that we never talk about what happened."
"There's nothing to talk about." I quickly wiped under my eyes before I had a real chance to start crying.
Alina lifted her head off my shoulder. "That's not true. Even if we just talked about him. There were so many good
times too."
I nodded again.
"It wasn't your fault, Daphne."
"I know." And I did know. "I just wished there was something I could have done to save him." There was no hiding my tears now as they silently spilled down my cheeks.
"But that's the thing, you made every day that he did have wonderful."
I nodded again.
She put her head on my shoulder again and intertwined her arm in mine. "We shouldn't have come to Costa Rica. I'm really sorry."
I slowly inhaled and exhaled. "I don't think that's why I'm so upset. He would have wanted me to come."
"I know." She didn't say anything else.
I wanted to fill the silence. It always felt like I didn't have anyone I could talk about Derek to. If I tried talking to my mom, she would burst into tears. Seeing her fall apart just made everything worse. And no one liked talking about death. Kristen and Alina always looked so sad. So I kept it all in. But it seemed like Alina wanted me to talk. I certainly needed to get it off my chest.
"Everything has just felt so...dark since he died, you know? Sometimes it still feels like I can just pick up the phone and call him. And every time that happens, it feels like he just died again. I work all the time. I close myself off. I don't do anything, yet I'm always busy. I feel like I'm just going through the motions." I sighed.
Alina stayed quiet.
"It just always felt like he left me. And I don't want to feel that way again. I live my life so that I won't feel that way. So why do I feel that way right now?"
Alina squeezed my arm. "Rob reminds me of him. A little. Not like in a creepy you're dating your brother kind of way, though. Just in...I don't know...his attitude."
"I think that was part of the problem. And his brother."
"Don't tell me you're in love with James too? I don't need two of you running around being inappropriate."
I laughed. "No. I'm not in love with James." I shifted on the couch and lay down so that my head was on Alina's lap. Am I in love with Rob, though? It was too soon to know that, right? I barely knew him. I did love the way he made me feel though. That much was definitely true.
