“Were you two living together before?” I asked.
Lily laughed.
“OMG!” she exclaimed, tossing her head back with another laugh. “Yeah, Roy and I were living together when I met you guys. He’s the big jerk who locked me out of my own apartment. Jerk!”
Lily flung a couch pillow across the room, and Roy batted it away like some irritating insect.
“I didn’t want you to leave, be-yatch,” Roy said, giving Lily a hard stare. “I told you I didn’t want no baby.”
“Yeah, well, you don’t have to have no baby, asshole,” Lily said, her tone both mocking and mimicking. “We got a family now.”
“You could’ve dealt with it other ways.”
Lily set her drink down on the floor so she could use both her hands to flip Roy off. I took a guess about what Roy meant by other ways of dealing with it.
“I told you that wasn’t an option. But I took care of it. It’s all good now.”
I wondered if that was the real reason for their fight. Lily had told me she wasn’t sure who the father was, but she seemed sure now.
I watched Lily cross the room and wrap her arms around Roy’s wiry neck. She kissed the side of his head and ran her tongue around the outside edges of his ear. I swallowed hard. Who were these people? What were they doing in my apartment? What was I doing here? Lily stopped kissing Roy and started to massage his shoulders. Roy tilted his head to the side and I heard his neck snap with a pop. First time I’d seen him look happy.
He went back to eyeing me while Lily continued to work his shoulders. I tried to stay relaxed, but the way he was watching me made the hairs on the back of my neck start to rise. I still couldn’t figure out what was going to happen. He could get up and start beating me, or come over and give me a bro hug, and neither would have been totally surprising.
“So what happened to your apartment, Roy?” I asked.
“Got kicked out,” Roy said.
Again he passed his tongue across his bottom lip. Then he ran it along the inside of his mouth. Next thing I knew, he took a can of Copenhagen chewing tobacco from his jacket pocket and slipped a dip into his bottom lip. He started spitting into his beer. I guess that explained his oral habit.
“Roy got kicked out because he can’t get a job,” Lily said to me.
“You hush now, Lily,” Roy snapped. “Gage here isn’t interested in all my business.”
“Oh, but I am,” I said.
“If you ask me, it ain’t fair how they treat convicts. Everyone thinks if you do time, you can’t ever be good. But Roy is good. Real good. He just made some bad mistakes, that’s all.”
“Lily, let’s change the subject.”
“Do you mind if I ask what you were in for?”
Roy’s expression turned dark and serious—menacing, I’d have to say.
“I guess since you’re going to be the daddy,” Roy began, leaning forward in his chair far enough to lift the two back legs off the floor, “you’re going to want me to tell my story. I didn’t know my daddy, didn’t much care to from what my mamma said. But it would be better if the kid knew a little something about me.”
I tried to swallow more beer but forgot I’d already drunk it down. Still, I sucked hard enough to get a few cold drops to take away some of the dryness.
“I did five years for armed robbery. I’m not going to lie to you, Gage, I did the crime and paid with time. Nobody got hurt, but I got caught. Sent me to Walpole. Did my time peaceful, made no trouble, got paroled, and I’ve been clean ever since.”
Again the conversation died and we went back to our heavy silence. Me tapping my feet on the floor, running my hands nervously on my empty beer can, eventually crushing the sides. Lily was rubbing Roy’s shoulders and I could see through the doorway a corner of one of her framed movie posters. I tried to imagine Roy and Lily together in bed, munching on popcorn, watching a classic Garbo and commenting on the dresses she wore, the setting, the wonder of cinema from that period. I could more easily picture them watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Hell, I could imagine Roy being one of the stars (a star with the chainsaw, that is). How was Anna going to react to this new major development? Would she welcome Roy the ex-con into our home as she did Lily, or would she view him as a threat, someone who might talk Lily out of the adoption? What about the genetics? Would she be worried the baby would grow up to be an armed robber just like Daddy?
Roy spit into the mouth of his beer and swigged from a freshy. He didn’t seem to mix the tobacco and alcohol, a skill that took time and practice to perfect.
“So, where did you two meet?” I asked, clawing for conversation when really what I wanted to do was leave.
“Jail,” Lily said. She held back a smile until her mouth couldn’t contain the joke any longer. “Just kidding. You should have seen your face, Gage.”
“We met at Jillian’s,” Roy said.
“He’d come in and play nine ball a lot,” Lily added. “He wasn’t a hustler, but he was a good player.”
“The way I recall it, I was the best.”
“Baby, you are the best,” Lily said, and she leaned over his shoulder to kiss him on the mouth.
When Lily pulled away, Roy and I were left looking each other over. I imagined he was wondering what I was good at doing. He knew it wasn’t playing pool, and it certainly had nothing to do with crime. Was he thinking I was too soft to raise his kid? Meanwhile, I was left wondering if I could raise a child from such hard stock when my only experience was a son who loved stuffed animals and never spoke an unkind word in his too-few years.
Lily left Roy and returned to the couch.
“Want me to put on some music?” she asked. “I play it at night, but softly. I hope it’s never been a bother.”
“It’s never bothered me,” I said, standing up. “But I really should get going. Roy, it’s been a pleasure.”
I stuck out my hand for the proverbial shake good-bye, but Roy just eyed it with a contemptuous look. He looked away only to spit some dip into his empty beer can.
“What were you doing up here, anyway?” he asked. It sounded like the suspicion in his gut had finally bubbled up to his throat. “You always come check on my girl at this late hour?”
“Roy.” Lily stood. She’d seen this before. The way he was eyeing me was a warning sign. “Don’t be silly now.”
“He’s a big boy,” Roy said. “He’s gonna be my baby’s daddy. He knows how to answer a question all on his own, Lil. Now, you let him answer. Why’d you come up here at this late hour? Do you do that a lot?”
I could see the muscles in Roy’s neck start to tighten and coil. His eyes burrowed into mine as he held his gaze unflinching. I was afraid to speak—afraid I’d stutter. An icy chill raked up my body. Nothing I could do but quake just a little. Roy looked ready to pounce. If he was trying to agitate me, it was working. I tried to think of something to say. I couldn’t imagine how the truth would sound: “Well, Roy, since you asked, I think Lily here is a cunning individual and I came up here to confront her, but gosh darn it and go figure, she’s acting nothing but sweet as honey and peachy as pie and I shouldn’t ever have been questioning her intentions, so I’ll just be going on my way. Pleasure meeting you and thanks again for letting me raise your child as my own. God bless you both.”
The truth wouldn’t set me free, it would set me on my ass, with Roy’s fists flying in my face. So I needed another story, and by the grace of God it came to me.
“I heard more footsteps upstairs than usual,” I said. “Lily always comes home alone, so I got nervous there might be a break-in or something. I checked your front door and it was unlocked.” Here I turned my attention to Lily. “I got to tell you again, always lock that door. You can never be too safe.”
“Lots of criminals around here, huh?” Roy said, making a slight chuckle somewhere deep in his throat. “You don’t know tough neighborhoods.”
“It’s very nice of you to check up on me,” Lily said. “But
I’m fine, really.”
“Well, then,” I said, clearing my throat. I took a step toward Roy and extended my hand again. He gave me the eye, as if he could see right through my deception. Whatever still troubled him, he managed to shrug it aside.
“Gage, it’s a true pleasure,” Roy said, swallowing my hand in his viselike grasp. I nearly cried out from the force. I searched Roy’s eyes for any sign that he intentionally wanted to hurt me but saw nothing. The fact that Roy was just that strong was no less disconcerting. “And thanks for all your hospitality,” Roy continued, “especially with what you’re doing for Lily. If it were up to me there wouldn’t be no baby, but if there’s got to be one, well, I guess you’ll be a much better daddy than I’d ever be.”
With that parting salvo, he finally let go of my hand.
CHAPTER 26
On my way out, I felt like I was floating down the stairs, like I’d just had an out-of-body experience and was still trying to come back into myself. I entered my home in stealth mode, quiet with the key, careful closing the door, quiet with my steps, even though I had every intention of waking Anna.
Rousing her, I soon discovered, was a job easier said than done. I called her name four or five times, first in a whispered voice and in the end shouting it.
“Anna! Wake up! Wake up!”
I was sitting on the edge of the bed, shaking her shoulder.
“Huh? Gage? What? What’s going on?”
She sounded dazed and agitated.
“We need to talk.”
Anna fought against the sleep to open her eyes. “I was having the craziest dream,” she said in a faraway voice. “I was dreaming about the baby.”
I wondered what her baby dreams would be like after she met Roy.
“I just met the father,” I said.
Anna sat up fast, as though the bed had become electrified. She pulled the covers to her chest, craving, it seemed, all the comfort and security they could provide.
“What are you talking about, you just met the father?”
“I went upstairs to speak with Lily,” I said.
Anna looked over at the dresser, but her jogging clothes were blocking the digital clock.
“What time did you go up there?” she said, shoving her clothes aside. Immediately, she groaned. “What are you doing going up there at this hour? What are you doing going up there at all?”
Ire had supplanted any trace of sleep in her voice.
“Don’t be mad at me. I couldn’t sleep,” I said, in my best soothing tone. “I wanted to ask her about the Adderall. I wanted her to tell me to my face it was an innocent question.”
“Won’t you just leave her alone?” she said. “It’s really starting to get out of control.”
“Hear me out,” I said. “When I went upstairs, Lily wasn’t alone. She was with a guy named Roy. She told me he’s the baby’s father.”
Anna shook her head, as if she was trying to force my words into a proper place where they actually made sense.
“This is the same guy who kicked her out of her apartment?” she asked. Her eyes were pleading, desperate to pull every nugget of information.
“I think so,” I said. “At least that’s what she said.”
“Was Lily all right? Was she okay, Gage?”
Worry now. Fear for Lily’s safety trumping all else.
“Yes, she seemed more than fine,” I said. “She was glad he was there.”
“Wow, I mean . . . just wow . . . well, what’s he like? Who is he?”
I did my best to describe him. If anything stuck, it was that Roy Something, Roy whose last name I didn’t get, was a hard man.
“There’s more,” I said. “He’s done time.”
“Prison time?” Anna’s voice lifted, the situation worsening by the second.
“Armed robbery,” I said. “He served five years in Walpole.”
“Are you telling me that a felon has just moved in upstairs?”
“A felon who just so happens to be the father of the baby we’re going to adopt.”
“What are we going to do?” Anna said. She cupped her face with her hands. “I don’t know if I’m comfortable with this.”
“Do you want to call it off?” I asked.
There it was again, that little rascal of thought that should remain unspoken, a wish for a clean slate, an adoption do-over. I thought Anna might agree, in light of Roy, but she gave me a horrified look.
“God, no!” she said. “I don’t want to start over. This is our baby. We just need to figure it out. We need a plan. What else do we know about him? Where is he from? Does he have family here? Did he say anything about the adoption?”
“He said he didn’t want the baby,” I told her. “He didn’t use the word abortion, but it was certainly implied. I think that was what was really behind their big blowout. As for his background, I don’t know much. I think he’s from down south somewhere, Florida maybe, but he said he was from all over.”
“Is he going to try to stop the adoption? Do you think he’ll sign off?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “It’s a new wrinkle. It’s definitely an unusual situation. Maybe we should speak with Margret about it.”
I couldn’t believe this conversation. I wanted Anna to talk about the nursery we were going to build; maybe we’d debate the color scheme (well, I planned on deferring to her). Maybe Anna would even paint one of her amazing murals on the wall. We should have been reading books about what to expect the first few months (it’s been a long time since I parented a newborn), maybe discuss, in a loving way, the latest baby trends. Would Anna want to give the baby milk from a strap-on that mimicked breast-feeding? It was a legitimate question. I’d read about it on some adoption blog, and apparently it helped with bonding.
Would we get the ultra baby monitor, the one with a close view built-in camera and SIDS alarm, or something on the cheap side? What about a stroller, or the best infant formula? How about BPA in bottles? These were all questions I was more than happy to discuss with my wife, but it wasn’t working out that way for us. No, we were thinking about a hard-ass guy named Roy, who showed up unexpectedly in the dark of night and might very well decide he didn’t want to sign the papers giving up his parental rights. This wasn’t what I signed up for when I agreed to adopt, and by the sick and worried look on Anna’s face, it wasn’t in her plans, either.
Anna nodded. “Yeah, let’s call Margret and see what she recommends. Oh, shit,” she said.
“What?”
“I’m going to Minneapolis tomorrow.”
We’d both forgotten about her flight in the morning.
“We’ll wait until you get back to have a chat with her about Roy.”
Anna wrapped her arms around me and buried her face in my neck.
“I don’t want anything to go wrong,” she said. “I’m worried about this. I’m really worried.”
“Me too,” I said.
And yet, strangely, I was feeling glad about Roy, too. Thanks to him, I felt like I had my wife back.
We were a team again.
CHAPTER 27
It was early morning, and the sun had just begun to paint the sky with a glorious swath of pink, yellow, and blue. The air smelled sweet, birds were already chirping, and there was every indication of a spectacular day to come. It was the perfect day to fly. I waited at curbside with Anna for her taxi to arrive. Her hand rested on the extended handle of her roller suitcase—a black number with lime green handle covers to make it easier to identify hers from all the other black roller suitcases. She’d slung her black canvas computer bag across one shoulder, tilting lopsided. She’d done so much business travel over the years sometimes she stood at a tilt even when the bag wasn’t strapped to her shoulder. We had our back to the street, both looking at our house, more specifically the dark windows of the second-floor apartment.
“It’s so weird that he’s just sleeping up there,” Anna said.
I drank more of my coffee and put my fre
e arm around Anna, pulling her in tight.
“We’ll figure it out,” I said. “Let’s not waste our time worrying.”
“It’s so hard,” Anna said, her eyes still locked on those darkened windows. “I just don’t want anything to go wrong.”
I said nothing. So much, so very much could go wrong. My peripheral vision caught a flash of movement, and I glanced down the street to see an approaching car. Anna’s cab.
“Don’t worry about a thing,” I said as the cab neared. “You’re going to get the Humboldt job, so keep your focus sharp and go be your fabulous self. You’ll wow them. You always do.”
Anna kissed me gently on the lips.
“I love you,” she said.
“I love you, too,” I answered.
The cab pulled to a stop with a little squeak of the brakes. Anna put her suitcase in the backseat, climbed inside, and shut the door. She rolled down the window before the cab pulled away. She didn’t say anything. She just blew me a kiss. I gave her a little smile, toasted her with my coffee mug, and then she was gone: off to Logan, off to Minneapolis, off to closing a deal, off to secure her year’s sabbatical to bond with the baby we were no longer sure would be ours.
At work, it was the day Adam Wang got fired. I came into the office as I did every day—sat down at my workstation, powered up my computer, opened Outlook, scanned e-mails, looked at my calendar, did a bit of web surfing, and then got up to get another cup of coffee. This was the routine of my life, and I loved it. I loved my work. I loved being consumed by it. And I loved my Adderall, which made it possible for me to be here and to be effective.
The morning Adam Wang was fired was a one-pill day—just a regular run-of-the-mill trip at the office. I walked into the kitchen for my cup o’ joe and found a somber gathering of engineers. They were talking in hushed tones, which was saying something because these engineers weren’t loud to begin with.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
They told me and we all got quiet, as if Adam Wang had died and deserved a moment of respect.
“Patrice?” I asked.
Desperate Page 14
