Red Fish, Dead Fish

by Amy Lane

  Jackson let out a tired laugh. “We’re supposed to have peace in the hospital?”

  “We’re supposed to have peace at my mother’s house. We’ll do nothing but eat and watch football for a week. You’ll get fat. I’ll laugh at you. My mother will mess with your head. You’ll hide in the kitchen with my father and Rebecca’s husband and complain about how we all try to micromanage your lives.”

  Jackson swallowed, and weak tears slid down the corners of his eyes. Ellery suddenly understood. All that noise, that banter, that “Get me out of here!” All because he was afraid of this moment here. This reckoning.

  This peace.

  “There’s a list of things to do?” he asked, trying to sound cocky. Failing. “I wasn’t great at school—I don’t know if I can deal with a Thanksgiving assignment.”

  “You weren’t great at school because your school wasn’t great,” Ellery said, believing this.

  “Amen,” Jade muttered at his side. “And you only did homework at our house.”

  Jackson smiled a little. “Your mom… she used to make us do our homework to get dinner.”

  “Remember when she found out you were failing the whole eighth grade?”

  Jackson squeezed his eyes tighter. Didn’t stop the thin silver line from escaping. “She stayed up with me doing makeup work for a week,” he said, voice choked. Then he stated the obvious: “I really miss her.”

  “I know you do,” Jade whispered. “We all do. Think she’d like Mike?”

  Jackson smiled, and Ellery kept pulling his hair back. “Yeah. Mike’s from Virginia—”

  “I know. They have the same way of saying ‘cracker.’ You notice that?”

  Jackson laughed. “Yeah. But your mom was talking about food.” He looked at Ellery as though imploring him to believe this. “She was a lady. She wouldn’t actually use it the other way.”

  “Nope,” Jade agreed, her voice thick. “My mom was great. But I’m still sorry about your mom.”

  “I got nothing else for her,” Jackson said, voice hard. Ellery remembered how he’d lost himself in tears for the woman. Yes. Celia Rivers only got that once.

  “But you got a chance to go have another one. I mean, she’s not my favorite person, but that’s because she’s not my real mom, right?” The warmth in Jade’s voice surprised Ellery—all that epic struggle, and it turned out Jade knew exactly what she’d been fighting against.

  Ellery caught her eyes as he was smiling, and she winked.

  “Lucy Satan’s not—” Jackson started. God, they really were children together.

  “Yeah, she is.” Jade checked her phone restlessly. “You’ve got a chance, Jackson. A chance to have a mom and a family.”

  The hurt on his face—unfathomable, and for a moment Ellery was torn between hating Jade for ripping away the people Jackson loved best and thanking her for her blessing.

  “You’re my family,” he said stubbornly.

  She laughed. “Of course we are. Baby boy, do you think you can’t have both?” She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “Do you think I don’t want all the family in the world for you? Think about it, Jackson. Someday that woman is going to come here for a holiday. And she’s going to sit at your table with me and Mike and Kaden and Rhonda and the whole lot of us—and every person in that room is going to be someone you love and someone who loves you back. It’s not yet—I know it. But you, wandering the streets alone, afraid you don’t have a soul to turn to—that’s never going to happen again.”

  “You weren’t supposed to know,” he whispered.

  “Oh, honey. I will always know what you are up to.” She wiped her face again, then checked her phone. Her expression lightened, some peace stealing across it like Ellery hoped would steal across Jackson’s, and she stood up and kissed Jackson’s temple. “You are still hot,” she sighed. “I’m going to go get you some real pajamas from Mike. Then we’ll go home and make you some soup to bring you. Ellery, we’ll bring you some too. I’ll tell Langdon you won’t be there either.”

  Ellery grunted.

  “I have to be—heroin family… I mean… crap—whatsherface with the kid named Jail.”

  “Langdon will take it,” Jade said, surprising him. “Yes, he got back to the firm after you two took off.” Her eyes slid to the side, and Ellery wondered what she could have said. “You’ve been putting this case together on your off hours, and once again you made them look like heroes. I told him you both needed time off, and he agreed.” She wrinkled her nose. “It was weird.”

  Jackson let out a quiet bark of laughter. “Jade, darlin’, you are a force to be reckoned with.”

  “Maybe next time you’ll let me come along,” she sniffed and then made her way out of the room.

  “No,” Jackson muttered. “Ellery, tell her no.”

  He was almost asleep.

  “Sure. She can’t come with us.”

  Jackson scowled—but as of yet he hadn’t bucked off the feeling of Ellery’s hand in his hair. “You’re just saying that to humor me.”

  “Jackson, I don’t want anybody we love to see what we saw today. I’m hardly okay with me seeing it.”

  His eyes completely closed. “Don’t leave,” he begged, mostly unconscious. “Stay.”

  Yeah.

  ELLERY FELL asleep with his head on the bed next to Jackson’s and woke up when Dave, their favorite nurse, walked in with his cell phone and a bag of clothes as well. Ellery stared at the phone blankly.

  “I don’t… I don’t even….”

  “Jade Cameron’s boyfriend walked it in,” Dave said, arching an elegant eyebrow over melty-candy brown eyes. “Said he’d charged it, and your mother has been calling for an hour.”

  Ellery took the phone, grimacing. “Thanks, Dave.”

  Dave eyed the telemetry readouts dispassionately. “He’s going to be here for a while,” he said. “I’ll bring you a cot.”

  Ellery stretched carefully. “Can I use the bathroom and change?” he asked, and Dave shot him a look of pure disbelief.

  “You are a grown man! Like you need to ask me permis—”

  Ellery held up a hand. “He can’t wake up alone,” he said simply. “Not for a couple of days. I promised.”

  Dave’s eyes widened, and he tilted his head back. “You are supposed to be keeping him out of here,” he said, the recrimination clear.

  “I was the one who bruised his ribs, if that helps.” Ellery didn’t know where to look with that—he couldn’t be sorry he’d saved Jackson’s life.

  Dave apparently thought it was a point in his favor. “Well, not many couples can claim they quite literally saved each other’s lives. I mean, he got shot protecting you. You got stabbed and saved his life. It’s practically a match made in the med center.”

  Ellery rolled his eyes. “Sure. I’ll be back in a minute.”

  Dave shrugged and took Ellery’s seat. “Take your time—shower. Get pruny. This was my last job of the day. I’ll keep the scary monsters gone.”

  ELLERY GOT back, feeling infinitely better for the hot water.

  “Hasn’t moved,” Dave said without looking up. “He’s going to be fine, this time.”

  “Yeah, I know.” Ellery did, although his stomach still knotted with worry.

  Dave gave him a brief look, his eyes crinkling in his freckled pale brown face. “Honey, I just keep thinking that if it was Alex, I’d be a mess.”

  “Yeah, well, it’s a weekday and I’m in my pajamas.”

  A gentle smile flashed. “That is pretty messy for you,” he said. “And a bandage too.” He stood and stretched. “I’ll go ask for that cot now. Me and Alex’ll bring you breakfast in the morning. I think you got dinner already.”

  He was right—when Ellery had grabbed the bag with the clothes in it, he discovered hot soup and crackers in actual Tupperware. Once Dave left, Ellery set about eating about half of the split pea soup. He set aside the rest for Jackson, and then—and only then—did he pick up the phone and
call his mother.

  “Ellery, I’m at the airport. This had better be good.”

  “What in the hell—”

  “He’s missing all night and then he’s there and then there’s a serial killer found and killed in Sacramento and two men sent to the hospital. What was I supposed to think?”

  Ellery frowned. “Well, most mothers wouldn’t think her son was involved—”

  “Were you involved, Ellery?”

  “Sort of?”

  “That’s not an answer. Were you or were you not injured when you helped to capture a serial killer?”

  What to say, what to say…. “Well, technically I’m able to leave the hospital,” he said, because it was the truth.

  “And Jackson?”

  Ellery sighed. Whatever. This was never a fun game with Mother anyway. “He’s the reason I haven’t left yet,” he said softly. “He… you wouldn’t believe the last couple of days if I wrote them out in a book.”

  She pulled in a harsh breath. “How is he?”

  “They need him here for a week.” Ellery’s voice wobbled. “He wasn’t breathing, Mother. We pulled him from the swimming pool and he wasn’t breathing. And I bruised his ribs and he’s breathing now, but….” He closed his eyes and tried to pull it together.

  “My plane is boarding right now, Ellery. I’ll be there in six hours. I still have the key to your house, so don’t worry about letting me in.”

  With that she signed off, and Ellery was left feeling grateful and confused.

  But then, that’s how he almost always felt about his mother.

  Next to him Jackson gave a restless sigh and shifted in bed. Ellery grabbed his hand, and he stilled.

  Funny how so much about life—holidays, parents, work—it could all come screeching to a halt when the right person whimpered in his sleep.

  Ellery would close down states and freeze transportation systems just to have this quiet moment with Jackson before he woke up and remembered that the world could be a bitter, lonely place.

  Quiet Pond

  JACKSON HEARD everybody before he actually opened his eyes.

  “Mrs. Cramer! How are you doing?”

  “Oh, just fine, young Alex. So nice to see you. You too, David. And you brought refreshments—that’s kind.”

  “We promised Ellery—where is he?”

  “Getting changed. It was lovely of you to bring the cot out, by the way. You’re always so accommodating.”

  “Well, you know. Anything for….”

  There was a silence then, and he felt the prickle of eyes.

  “Yes” came Taylor Cramer’s voice. “Of course. Anything for him. How is he doing?”

  “Awake!” Jackson wanted to snap. “He’s awake!”

  That’s not what came out. What came out was “Ferfweefuksakestopnoise!”

  Dave and Alex both cackled, and Jackson actually managed to glare at them through slitted lids.

  “Mornin’,” he mumbled. “How’re you?”

  “Better than you,” Dave said kindly, bustling up in nurse mode and pulling his blankets up to his chin. “Still sick, Jackson. Fever’s down a smidge but not broken completely, and breathing is not happening.”

  Jackson shivered. “Lungs feel fine.”

  “That there is a fuckton of painkillers. Enjoy.”

  Jackson frowned at David’s pleasant face. “Food?”

  “We’ve got some oatmeal with fresh fruit for you,” he said, patting his cheek soothingly.

  “Ignore him,” Alex said from Jackson’s other side. Tiny, perky as a cheerleader, Alex managed to look like a twinkie in his thirties. “I brought cream-filled éclairs. Everyone needs a reason to live.”

  Jackson smiled at him, reassured. “If you guys ever quit, I’ll start going to Kaiser. You make it worthwhile here.”

  They looked at each other in that way married couples do. “We’d just as soon you asked us out for drinks and dancing,” Dave said shortly. “Now we’ve got to go. Don’t give Mrs. Cramer too hard a time. She’s being awfully nice for a woman who had to come see your sorry ass twice in three months’ time.”

  “Understood,” Jackson told him, sober as a judge.

  They left, and once again he was in a hospital room with Ellery’s mother. “Hello, Taylor,” he said, trying to do what Dave had told him to do and be nice.

  “I’m much less worried when you call me Lucy Satan.” She came to stand by his bed. “How are you, Jackson?” Richly beautiful, dark eyes like Ellery’s lined with kohl, her perfectly coiffed chestnut hair put into place by will alone—Ellery’s mother would not have been out of place wearing gloves and a pillbox hat. As it was, she was wearing a severe dress suit, and he didn’t need to be able to see her feet to know she’d have hose and black leather low-heeled pumps.

  Jackson closed his eyes. “Exhausted already.”

  Her hand on his brow was cool and dry. “I was sorry to hear about your mother.”

  He swallowed and then wished he hadn’t. Not enough painkillers in the world. “Me too.” It was only polite, right?

  “You know, it seemed silly to fly all the way out here this week when you and Ellery will be out just two weeks later. But seeing you here, I think it was the right thing to do.”

  “Ellery needs you to take care of him,” Jackson said. I was going to hole up in a hotel and die.

  “Yes,” she said without apology. “Yes, he does. That’s why it’s my job to train you up for the job. For starters, that stab wound on his arm—”

  “I’m sorry,” he said, voice cracking.

  “Oh, don’t be. You two are getting a commendation from the police department. It just wouldn’t look right if you had all your war wounds and he didn’t have a scratch. No—I’m saying, you need to encourage him to wear short sleeves as soon as possible. He’ll be self-conscious, you see, and it’s really very exciting. We want him to look like a badass. Am I right?”

  Jackson let out a short laugh. “Yeah. Wouldn’t be fair if he didn’t look badass.”

  “No.” Her voice fell, and she smoothed the hair back from his face. That’s where Ellery had learned it. “It wouldn’t. And I think he’s going to need to work a bit next week, and you will be chafing at home. You and I have chores to do, and I won’t let you shirk them.”

  “Chores?” Sounded horrifying. “What chores?”

  “We need to move your possessions into my son’s house—and put up some of your pictures, I think.”

  “Most of them were destroyed in the shooting,” he said. He’d been adrift, neither at Ellery’s house nor at his own—he hadn’t replaced them.

  “Well, we’ll fix that, won’t we? You can’t move into Ellery’s home and bring nothing of yourself. Pretty soon you’ll be wearing his suits to work and raising your upper lip like you smelled something bad. I mean, I like him, and I understand you have an attachment, but I don’t think we need two of them, yes?”

  He couldn’t help it. “Wow, Lucy Satan, you just threw your own kid under the bus.”

  Her level look back told him she’d do the same thing to him in a heartbeat. “I really don’t know what you mean. But between that and planning the service—”

  “For who? Whom? Who the fuck ever?”

  She didn’t even arch an eyebrow. “For your mother, of course. You weren’t having a service?”

  Jackson let out a pained grunt. “No. Why would I?”

  Again, that level look. “Because she was a human being, and you could be the only person in the world who will miss her—even if it’s missing what she wasn’t.”

  Wow. “Fine. We’ll bury her ashes, and I’ll donate some money to a rehab program in her name.” Ellery was apparently paying all his expenses now. Maybe one of the benefits of being a mostly kept man was using that money where it was needed. He thought of Jael and his mother and of AJ, that lost kid in the Meadowview house. “I’ve got actual people I can give money to,” he said after a moment. “Maybe a scholarship to get kids through.�
� He thought of the other half of the duplex and how Mike’s acerbic tongue and common fucking sense had gotten him through the eight years before Ellery.

  Maybe it could get someone else through some hard times now.

  “Or maybe make my half of the duplex a halfway house,” he said. “We’ve got some people who can live there now—”

  “Excellent. Very well thought out.” She clapped her hands together briskly, making him flinch. “So, you work the idea in your head, I’ll take care of the legal end, and that’s what we’ll do before you come to my corner of the world for the holiday.”

  Jackson started to sweat. “I, uh, haven’t gotten you a gift yet,” he said uncomfortably. She’d told him that was one of her expectations of his next visit.

  “Well, you and my son shall have to order one,” she said, undeterred. “And obviously we have things to do. But first….” She pushed the control for his bed until he was sitting up, then swung the little table over his lap. “Have some oatmeal.”

  She set up a small Tupperware bowl, still steaming, with chunks of apples and raisins on top.

  Jackson stared at it, disappointed. “But Alex said there were éclairs!”

  “There are. For good boys who eat their oatmeal and sausage.” She set up a sandwich container full of plump breakfast meat, and his mouth started to actually water. He thought that only happened in books.

  He thought longingly of sugar, butter, and chocolate, and then the smell of the sausage hit him and he broke. He took one—still warm—and bit it in half. “I’m still eating an éclair,” he said when he’d swallowed.

  “After your oatmeal.”

  He stared at her, baffled. “You are diabolical.”

  For the first time since she’d appeared over his bed, her face softened. “My son is brilliant and stubborn, Jackson, and I managed not to kill him before he reached maturity. Those skills don’t go away. Now eat. I need to step outside to use the phone, but Ellery should be back by the time you’re done.”

  The damned woman was never wrong. Jackson had just pushed away the rest of the breakfast, thinking mournfully of éclairs he was too full to eat, when Ellery came back from the shower. Jackson smiled faintly when Ellery paused to kiss his mother’s cheek as she spoke on the phone before he came completely into the room.