I took my cut for the fix and the half. The rest is yours. Lock the door when you leave. –B
So not only was she my dealer now, but my pimp as well… The thought frightened me and I scrubbed my skin harder, trying to put together the bits and pieces I actually remembered. I’d desperately wanted to snort a line of coke before even driving back to my dorm, but the half of eight she’d left for me would have to last until I got a job and actually got paid because I was never selling my body again.
The kind of dirty that I felt could not simply be washed away with soap and water, but I tried anyway, turning the nozzle on the shower all the way to the right so that scalding hot water rained down over me. I flinched against the burn that ignited my skin, but forced myself to remain still, my eyes dry of the tears I so desperately wanted to shed.
My skin was raw, but finally felt free of the heaviness that had stuck to me like an extra layer of clothing. With my towel wrapped tightly around my body I finally made my way back to my room, slowing when I reached the partially opened door.
Michael stood in the center of my bedroom, his back to me as he ran his hands through his hair, his head shaking. My eyes went to the Ziploc bag on my bed that contained the coke and the money I had left and he turned, pity in his features. The towel was short enough that the newest scars on my lower right thigh showed, and I could see him make the connection, his gaze drifting from my leg to the blood stained carpet I’d neglected to clean.
“Did someone do that to you?” he whispered, pointing to my thigh.
I swallowed hard, anger bubbling in my stomach at his audacity. How had he even gotten in? I’d locked the door, my key ring was still hooked around my thumb…
“You can’t just come in here and…”
“Did someone do that to you?” he gritted out, interrupting me.
The pity was gone from his features, anger pinching together the tiny lines around his eyes so that they narrowed. I wasn’t sure if I moved first or he did, but I was suddenly pushing him away from me, kicking against his hands as he lifted the hem of the towel up so that every cut was visible.
“Evelyn….!?”
“Get the fuck out!” I snapped, clenching the towel tighter when he released me.
I couldn’t put enough distance between the two of us in the tiny space, my calves hitting the frame of my bed as I backed away from him slowly.
“I’m going to ask you one more time… If you don’t answer, I’m going to call the police. Did someone do that to you?” he repeated, but it was hurt I heard in his voice this time instead of anger.
“No…” I whispered the word so soft, my lips never moved.
“Then who…? You…?!” he pressed, kicking the box of razors over with the toe of his sneaker.
“Why the fuck do you care Michael. We had a couple of classes together! So what!?”
“Evelyn we’re friends… I’m concerned and I care about you. I…I…like you,” he blurted, crimson blossoming from his cheeks to his too large ears.
My brow creased and I ran his last sentence over in my head, not sure that I’d heard him correctly. He liked me…? HA! What would June say…? Becca…?
“Michael be serious…you don’t…”
“I do…” he nodded, his eyes holding mine as he closed the space between us. “I never told you because…” he paused, his eyes lowering for a moment. “Well look at me,” he shrugged, his hands hanging limply at his sides now.
I knew what he meant. Michael wasn’t the guy you even took a second look at when considering potential boyfriends. He had an average type face, sandy brown curly hair, and plain brown eyes just like me. He was tall, but his height came with at least three hundred pounds or more attached to it, his belly hanging over tightly cinched jeans I was sure had went out of style years ago. He was nice enough, but that’s where his good qualities ended. Tiny little glasses made his round face look even fatter, and when he laughed his double chin giggled just like mine used to. I’d never even seen him talk to a girl in that way, and now I knew why.
“I…I don’t know what to say…” I sighed with a shrug.
The feeling wasn’t mutual.
“I just want a chance Evelyn… I could make you happy. These last few months you’ve seemed…I don’t know….distant. I just…”
My breath held, but it was too late. His hands were cupping my face, his cold lips firmly planted against mine. He had to lean because his stomach wouldn’t allow him any closer without me reciprocating, and for a moment I felt bad for him, my lips puckering slightly to return the kiss.
My lips tightened when he took it as an invitation, a low moan in his throat as he let his hands settle on my sides, squeezing tightly. Flashes of the night with Brice assailed my thoughts and I was pushing him away, disgust sending a shiver through me when my hands pressed against boobs almost as big as mine.
“I can lose weight, if that’s what you what. I’m out of shape…I know, but…”
“Michael,” I stopped him, my hand over my heart now. “It’s not that… I was fa… A big girl myself,” I stammered, unable to look at him any longer.
“I’m just not attracted to you…like that… And I don’t want you breaking into my room to check on me. That’s just…creepy,” I shrugged, sitting down on the bed.
I wanted to reach for the Ziploc bag and shove it under my pillow, hoping that he would forget, but I had no such luck.
“So you do drugs now…? And pills too….?”
“You went through my stuff!” I shrieked, my eyes dodging to the drawer where I’d hidden my last line worth of coke and the Adderall pills.
“You left your phone in the room. I’ve emailed and called you several times. I thought something had happened, so I…”
“So you broke in and what…? Thought you’d play detective!?”
“Evelyn it’s not like that! Please! You need help. You missed thermo again. All this weight loss, and you haven’t been yourself!”
“I feel just fine!”
“You treated Abbey and Buster like shit when they came to see you, and even though you’re acting like this now, I know you don’t mean it. You’re cutting yourself…?! On PURPOSE?!” Michael pressed, his hands thrown in the air now.
“Been doing it well before college, and it’s not your fucking concern!” I screamed, livid that he was trying to point out all my faults when he probably had just as many.
“You’re doing drugs? What is that…? Heroin?! Crack?! Coke?!” he reached for the bag, but I snatched it up before he grabbed it, holding it protectively against my chest.
“None of your fucking business,” I hissed, kicking at him when he tried to come closer.
“I love you and I’m trying to help!” he snapped, those three little words slipping before he could stop them.
Love me…? How could he love me and he didn’t even know me…?
“Get out Michael,” I whispered, tears stinging my eyes at the pained look on his face. “Don’t come back…” I added when he finally turned away, swiping at his face as he made the short walk from my room to the hall.
I made sure to lock both the outer door and my bedroom door behind him, checking both locks to make sure they weren’t broken. I still didn’t know how he’d gotten into my room, but calling campus security was the first thing on my to-do list. I wanted new locks, even if I had to pay for them myself.
Chapter 17*
From: Professor Allen Morris
To: Evelyn R. Barns
Subject: Thermodynamics-Possible Suspension
Ms. Barns,
As you know there are very limited spots in the Intro to Thermodynamics class. The program is very competitive and your summer stay on campus is contingent upon you being present for the course. There are no more than three absences allowed in order to receive a full credit once passing the final exam. Please be aware that you’ve already used two. One more and I will be forced to notify your advisor of your dropped status which will in turn a
ffect your housing assignment until fall semester.
Best Regards,
Professor Allen Morris
This was just not my morning. I reread the email twice before letting my head drop into my hands, my stress level at its max. I couldn’t go home…not now…not after the way I’d treated my mother. My mind had been such a blur over the last couple days that I’d found it easy not to think about the pounds I was steadily packing on, but sober I felt heavier than ever, my eyes sliding to the scale still sitting in the middle of my floor.
Isn’t coke supposed to make you lose weight?
My plan to exercise had stopped after that first jog, but that’s how it’d always been when I was fat. I signed up for a year gym membership on campus, but had never gone. I’d tried fasting for ten days and had only made it through two before bingeing on a box of chocolate donuts. I’d even tried participating in the yoga sessions June and the other girls had early in the morning, but standing beside all those skinny girls at one time had made me feel fatter than ever. Skinny was beautiful. Fat was just plain ugly. My mother’s famous ever repeating words and I never forgot them.
My resolve steeled as I made up my mind to try the jogging thing one more time, my fingers typing in a quick reply to the email I’d just received.
From: Evelyn R. Barns
To: Professor Allen Morris
Subject: Thanks For Checking In
Professor Morris,
I didn’t think to email you and let you know that I’ve been unwell. I was seen at student health two days ago and would be happy to provide you with written confirmation of that, if necessary. I do realize how competitive the Thermodynamics program is, and am very honored to have been selected for the intro class. I will be sure to make the next session and would love to meet with you after to discuss the material I missed. Thanks for checking in.
Evelyn
I reread it once before hitting send, confident that my mention of being ill would spark some sort of sympathy in my favor. I was dressed in sweats, a tank top and my jogging shoes in less than five minutes, my frustration gone as soon as I coated my gums with a fine layer of magic white powder. It wasn’t nearly as much as a line, and I didn’t come anywhere close to the high I’d been on the night before, but it was enough to get me moving, my legs pumping with such intensity that I was halfway across campus before I even broke a sweat.
Missing two classes was unheard of in my book. I’d practically failed before even getting started, and that didn’t sit well with me. I considered emailing Michael to see if he would send me his notes, but then I thought about the awkward kiss this morning and decided against it. Just the memory of his jelly like body made me grab my own love handles, squeezing them tightly as I made my way across the quad and then over towards the agricultural buildings.
Wishing the fat away wouldn’t work anymore, but a few more days at this pace, plus not eating, there was no way I wouldn’t lose something. The witch would never have me. I wasn’t going back to being fat…ever.
I jogged with my mind empty and my body numb. The more I sweated the faster I ran, my heart pounding so quickly that it started to skip a beat, hindering my breathing. When my sides finally pinched I was back to within two blocks of my dorm room and I slowed, exhausted and drenched.
I recognized the black car before it hit brakes and slowed as well, waiting for me for me to catch up at the intersection. I didn’t want to see her. I was still pissed about the night before. She should have asked me before just calling him over; my body was not hers to give.
It was hard not to smile back as I stopped on the driver’s side, taking the yellow dress she handed me.
“Look at you…” she giggled at the sweat dripping from my hair and face. “Getting in shape I take it…”
“Yeah…something like that…” I kicked my toe through the loose gravel coating the pavement, working up my nerve.
“About last night…” she started and then stopped, guilt in her features now.
“Yeah…who was that guy?” I asked, meeting her stare. “Did he even use protection? Why didn’t you ask me first? After Jeremy and the party…I thought you of all people…”
“Eve…I’m sorry. Darius…my connect…he comes to collect every day…I told you that. I have to pay him, no excuses. I couldn’t front you, so he…did me a favor…”
“Did you a favor…?! Yeah…by fucking me…” I forced a laugh, my head shaking in disbelief.
“You got what you wanted didn’t you… I was just looking out…” Becca defended, slamming the gear into park.
“Look I’m not trying to argue. What’s done is done…”
“But I don’t want to lose a friend…” Becca interrupted, grabbing for my hand.
“I’m just in my feelings today. Last night…before the guy…Darius I mean. It was…”
“Like nothing you’ve ever felt before?” she grinned, nodding in understanding. “You should try Heroin.”
Is she serious?!
“Uh…no thanks,” I answered quickly, pushing the twinge of intrigue out of my mind before it took root.
“Well let me make it up to you…last night… You remember Molly and Madison…”
“The strippers…?”
“They’re not just strippers Eve… They both go here actually….stripping is paying their way through school.”
“Okay…sorry. What about them?” I asked, not really caring for a history lesson on the two lesbian airheads I’d met my first night at The Sweet Spot.
“They’ve got tickets to this killer rave happening tonight…pretty exclusive, some hot band is performing live and I want you to go with us. It’s usually not my thing,” she shrugged at the doubtful expression I already wore. “But I can unload what Darius brought me this morning, and be set until fall semester. These things don’t happen often, and I don’t want to go alone…”
“I thought you just said…”
“Yeah they’re going too…they have the tickets. But you saw them in the car…all over each other,” she giggled in embarrassment, my face probably matching the crimson in her cheeks as I thought about our night together. “I just hate being the third wheel and all that…”
“I know how that feels,” I muttered, wiping the sweat from my brow with the top of my shirt.
“Just a few hours and then we can go…” Becca pleaded, her hands clasped together as if she were praying.
“Becca…” I sighed thinking about the tiny bit of coke I had left in my room.
I hadn’t done so well at the first party I went to. A rave sounded like even more trouble, not to mention riding across town in a car carrying illegal drugs. I couldn’t do it when I was fat, and I couldn’t do it now. I felt better about myself just having a friend as hot as Becca was. I didn’t want to lose her by saying no.
“Okay…” I agreed hesitantly, backing away from the car as she threw the gear in drive again.
“My place at ten!” she called with her hand thrown out the window in a wave.
“Sure thing,” I muttered to myself, trudging the rest of the way up the hill towards my dorm.
The ball was tonight…I’d forgotten about that. Abbey and Buster would be there, and so would Michael. Panic and guilt mingled together as my stomach tightened at the thought of being in the same room as the three of them. Abbey and Buster hadn’t bothered to text, call or email me again after their last visit and once Michael told them about what happened this morning… I just couldn’t face him again…not yet. George would be sad, but I’d make him understand when I visited tomorrow.
Chapter 18*
My mood had lightened considerably by the time I got to Becca’s apartment complex. The slinky black dress I wore had something to do with it, but my new weight on the scale was the reason my smile was so wide when we finally climbed in her car. I’d lost ten pounds since the last time I weighed myself, my stomach shrinking to more of a pooch again instead of a gelatinous roll. Not eating in the last three days p
robably had more to do with that than my jog earlier, but I honestly wasn’t hungry. I hadn’t been for days. I was down to two Adderall pills and enough coke to last me another four lines, but I had a plan now, and I wouldn’t be low for long.
“Try this…” Molly offered, holding her cupped hand over the passenger seat just in front of my face.
In the dark I could see nothing more than a small black lump, and I shook my head remembering all the horrific side effects of the pills Becca had showed me.
“No seriously…try it…” Madison encouraged, handing one to Becca. “You can’t do a rave without one.”
“Shrooms,” Becca shrugged, swallowing hers whole before pulling out the blunt she’d rolled before we left.
I took the one Molly still offered, sniffing it before placing it on my tongue. The flesh was smooth with a hint of bitterness to it. I swallowed hard once and almost gagged as it caught in my throat, sliding slowly down my wind pipe.
“Now this…” Becca held the lit blunt for me to take, her concentration on dodging in and out of traffic.
“I don’t know if mixing is such a good idea…” I protested, holding the blunt in my pinched finger tips.
“It’ll dull the effects of the shrooms until we get to the rave. You don’t want to start tripping while we’re driving. Things already get crazy in your head, but with moving traffic all around you…”
“Yeah…not a good idea,” Molly giggled, pushing my hand so that the blunt was in front of my face.
I felt nothing. No rush, no high, just slightly buzzed from the line of coke I’d snorted before leaving my dorm. My lips pulled hard on the end of the blunt, hot smoke singeing the back of my already dry throat, sending me into a fit of coughs. The smell of the bud suddenly reminded me of Jeremy’s party and I turned my head towards the window so that none of them could see my face. I pulled hard on the blunt again before passing it to the back, holding the smoke in this time until the burn became too much.
We drove in silence until we reached our exit, the blunt passing between the four of us until it was down to a nub so tiny I couldn’t hold it without burning the tips of my fingers. Becca finished it off, tossing it out the window just before we pulled alongside of what looked like an abandoned warehouse. I would have questioned if we were at the right place, but there were cars everywhere, arranged in neat little rows as if there were an actual parking lot instead of the field we drove through looking for a space.
Beauty Page 12
