by TylerRose.
“Open your eyes,” he said into her ear.
She did, and saw the oasis she had created around them. Lush greenery, pouring white water crashing down from high above.
“You are a goddess to be worshiped, Tyler. Right now, even without the many Widenings. You can create small places like this when you want. When you want, you will be able to make your own planet for yourself. You can put on it whatever creatures you wish. If you let yourself perish and go back in time to claim another body, you risk losing all of this. You risk losing the knowledge you have gained. There’s no guarantee what memories you will keep and what will be lost. You might forget all about Sanctuary. You might forget all about your pentagon. You might forget all the things that can make you succeed and it might be all the harder for not knowing.”
“Or?” she prompted.
“Or you may make greater leaps and bounds than anyone has thought possible because your preconceptions will be gone. Your angers might be gone. You may do better going forward blind to the possible obstacles that you know exist now.”
She stared him in the eye for a long moment and he did not flinch from the power behind her eyes.
“Take me to bed and fuck me hard,” she said.
“Turn off the water. Take us back.”
The water stopped and the mountain turned into the tile rectangle of the shower. He carried her as was through her room to the bed and bent over to give her precisely what she wanted. If she thought it, he did it. When to grip her hair, how far back to pull it, when to give her a spank and how hard; when to slow and when to ram harder; when to flip her over and take her ass like he expected his cock to come out her throat.
“Anything my newly awakened goddess desires,” he said with kisses across her shoulders during a moment to let her catch her breath.
For right now, she wanted to lie still and be full and remember how good it felt to do just that. Not exactly a Thought Giver, but something Dorn did for several minutes whenever he was allowed to have her.
“Can you be a lover without proclaiming love?” she asked.
“I can.”
“I am going to go live on Earth while I figure out what to do. Can you come with me? Live with me?”
“I can.”
He moved with her to lie spooning, holding her securely as Shestna used to do. He remained as she fell asleep and was there when she woke to continue with a most gentle sodomy. When she was content, he stopped and withdrew to let her rest.
“You don’t ejaculate, do you?” she asked.
“Only if The Mother gives me an energy burst to create a life with.”
“Have you?”
“I have. Many.”
“How does that work?” she asked.
“The Mother beckons. I go and receive the energy she has birthed. I seek out an appropriate vessel for it to gestate in. I take possession of the female’s mate and deliver the energy into the womb. It bonds with the fertilized egg to become the child’s soul,” he explained.
“Is that how I was made?”
“You aren’t one of mine, so I cannot tell you. Each of us performs our duty slightly differently.”
“But the mechanics are the same,” she said.
“Close enough, I’m sure.”
“Interesting.”
He lifted and she opened to let him fit to herself.
“Wait, don’t you need to wash up?” she stopped him just before penetration.
He smiled. “First, you’ve not had anything pass through that part of your digestive path in months. You don’t remember getting out of bed about three months ago to use the toilet. It was like sleepwalking. And second, when have you ever been ill from a disease?”
She had to stop and think.
“You’ve never had so much as a cold, have you? Never vomited until you were poisoned by Voranian water. You have never caught any sexually transmitted disease. Never had so much as a yeast infection or a urinary tract infection. Am I right?”
“Yes.”
“Why do you think that is?”
She thought about it, saw the conclusion he wanted her to draw but didn’t want to say it. “I still have a hard time with this goddess aspect of things. Some parts of it I don’t like.”
“I know you do. You have a hard time with it because you don’t personally believe in gods. Any mortals who call themselves god cannot maintain a Just Cause,” he said.
That made sense.
Words put to the emotions that held her back, she was ready. He drove home and coaxed her through another three dozen orgasms before she was again exhausted and content. When next she woke, she repacked her messenger bag and made sure she didn’t leave anything behind. His traveling bag was already waiting by the door, Jiogaard having brought it.
“You’re not going to tell me what I want to do shouldn’t be done?” she challenged Jiogaard.
“No. You have your rules. If you are unsure, Zamren will know.”
“How do I leave?” she asked.
“Teleport wherever you want to go. We will be here should you need us again,” Jiogaard said, and left.
She hesitated, staring at the blank space of the door for a moment. She realized she couldn’t be sure what the date was anymore. She got the vidpad out to check the date. May 13th. Four months had passed since Zamren had started to make love to her. She too easily lost track of the passage of time.
With a thought and a blink, they were in her grandmother’s bedroom and then she was on the phone to California.
“Thomas. I need a favor,” she said.
“God, Tyler! I’ve been worried sick about you. Where are you?”
“In Louisiana. I need a very private place to live where no one will bother me no matter how much noise I make, and I need it right now.”
“You don’t ask much,” he teased.
“You’re apparently going to be the Apogee if I choose to go forward. It’s your job.”
Words he did not expect to hear, and his hard silence told her she’d hit a serious button.
“So you know everything?” he asked.
“Not everything. A lot, but not everything. I’ve been to hell and back and need a place of peace while I figure out where to go next.”
“Okay. I keep a hunting lodge in Montana. I’ll teleport there and you can come to me. Gods, I never thought that would be a sentence I would ever say to you. It’s been so long.”
“Enough, Thom. I’m in no mood.”
“You’ve changed, haven’t you, Love,” he said.
“More than you will ever know.”
“Okay, I’m here. You can come to me now.”
She focused on his energy, finding it in the proper section of North America. One more jaunt and she was across a sitting area from him. His smile dropped on seeing the man with her.
“I thought you were alone,” he said.
“You never asked. Who else is here?” she asked.
“There is a cook who will be here by tonight. He has his own cabin on the property. And there is a maid who comes through twice a week to dust and give a general cleaning. Otherwise, you’ll be on your own. There is a truck in the garage so you can get to town. Down the drive and turn left. Can’t miss it. You are ten miles from the small town. Fifty from Billings.”
“Good to know.”
“You’ve obviously been off-planet. There’s a new Star Wars movie opening on the 16th,” he told her.
“Really? Very interesting.”
“Episode Two, with number three expected to come out in 2005.”
“Well, then I have a reason to stay until they are all out,” she said.
“Can we talk in private?” he asked her.
“Another time, Thomas. Don’t bring anyone to meet me. Don’t spring any surprises on me. We won’t be having sex either.”
“No, I suppose that’s what Zamren is for.”
“Why’d you keep me in the dark? You could have done so much to help me and you didn’t,” she
suddenly said.
“Because you didn’t want that kind of help, Tyler. You know very well that anything I suggested would have been rejected out of hand. Nails knew it too, that’s why he never told you what we expected would happen. It had to happen first and you never came to me to discuss it.”
“No, but you read the report I was writing,” she reminded him.
“I offered to marry you. You rejected me.”
“Marriage wasn’t what I needed. You didn’t have to marry me to be the Apogee. You just wanted to chain me to your side. I’ve had quite enough of that,” she said, tart with annoyance, and headed up the stairs with her suitcase floating up behind herself.
The two men looked at each other.
“Don’t think you’ll be tricking her into anything, Odin,” Zamren said.
“I’m sure you’ll be right there to stop anyone who tries,” Thomas replied.
“Not I. She’s not the headstrong girl you used to know. She’s killed a number of men and there’s one more left she has to finish off before she’ll be ready for her next phase. You’d do best to leave her to me.”
“Very well. I will be Apogee from afar until she cools off,” Thomas said, and teleported back to California.
Zamren took his bag upstairs to find the room she had claimed.
“Do you want me to be in here or take an adjoining room?” he asked, having found her in the rearmost suite.
“In here,” she replied, the last of her clothes in the drawers. “I’m going for a walk. I’ll stick to the marked trails closer to the lodge.”
The forest was beautiful, peaceful with no one else around. She did not feel any human presence for miles. Finding a grassy patch in a break in the trees, she sat down and started to write in her journal. She needed to write down what Zamren had said.
“Any mortals who call themselves god cannot hope to maintain a Just Cause.”
One line with no explanations or discussion with herself. She moved on to other topics. Her time with the Drakkorians without mentioning the son she had to abandon to his future. Guilt overwhelmed her and she cried for him for the first time. It hurt her heart in a new way, more deeply than she’d ever thought it would. A child she hadn’t wanted, but one she grieved for more fiercely than the wanted child of her Voranian husband.
Calming, wishing she’d brought a tissue.
“Here.”
She looked up to see Julian. “How’d you know I was here?”
“We are linked, remember? An energy thread of sorts. I felt you arrive in Louisiana,” he said, sitting on the fallen log at her back. “Thought I’d wait until you settled somewhere. It’s been a long time.”
“So I know. It wasn’t my intention. I slept for four years apparently. Solomon came for me when I left a movie theater after seeing Phantom Menace on opening day. I went to Sanctuary. Took some mercenary of his with me but Solomon escaped. I know what I am going to do.”
“Okay. Tell me my part?”
“You just have to wait,” she said. “I have to create my own sanctuary-type planet. Once I create it, it will exist in all timelines everywhere. When I’m ready, I will go to it to end my life. I’ll find you and go back in time to where I want to re-enter, and pick it up where I think is most advantageous to make contact and be there for the invasion in Toledo.”
“I’ll be ready, however long it takes.”
“I won’t be going until I’ve seen Star Wars Episode III. That’s several years unless I figure out how to jump a few years. I’m going back to the lodge. Please don’t come again. I’ll contact you when it’s time.”
She teleported to her room, changed clothes, and teleported to Kmart to buy a stereo and catch up on music she’d missed. Benatar had released Innamorata in 1997. She picked up several other cds as well, old and new. Purchases made, she teleported back and set up her new stereo and set to listening to the new albums, starting with Benatar.
Strawberry Wine – The lyrics immediately brought forth memories of her mother. More songs with more meanings. Old songs with new meanings. AC/DC’s Dirty Deeds. That was certainly what she was doing. The dirty work. She would always be doing the dirty work no one else could stomach.
She spent long hours during the night on the rooftop observation deck, looking up at the sky. The Big Dipper, a smudge above the middle star of the handle. That was where she came from. The Mother came from there and her energy came from The Mother, so her own life energy came from there. Where The Mother of that galaxy had come from, she would probably never know.
She wasn’t really Sistarian, only her body was. She wasn’t really human either, only her upbringing had been. If she was going to succeed, she needed to be more Sistarian than she already was. That meant she either had to enter a fully Sistarian mother impregnated by a fully Sistarian male or…
Have someone collect the Sistarian DNA from her own body and inject it into an egg emptied of its own DNA.
An image in her mind of a body of water and a slope, of a cliff-faced mountain, some place deep into Drakkorian space, near their border with the Balnaatrus. Out of the way, where no one would bother it. She released a burst of energy and there she was sitting on that slope and looking down at that pond.
Not another person existed in this place. She remained in place to meditate, paying no attention to the passage of days and nights, paying no attention to the sun, wind, or rain. She let memories come to her, relived them, released them. Some came back time and again until she finally felt no emotion in remembering.
With an enormous exhale, she breathed out a cloud of emotion and regret left her body, taking with it the shadow emotions of self-doubt hopelessness, defeat. She could almost float, her soul was so much lighter.
She remained, continuing the process until she released guilt in the same way. Along with guilt went shame, envy, embarrassment
Once more until she released fear, panic, intimidation, and all their shadows.
She returned to Earth on May 16, 2002, to see Star Wars: Attack of the Clones. After, she took a walk to the music store for more music and movies she’d missed. Teleporting to the hunting lodge, she found Thomas had arrived. With him in the Great Hall were Dalton and two others she knew from the Iron Knaves. Dalton reeked of guilt, could think of nothing but how he’d caused Nails to be killed by revealing his position. She would deal with that in time.
They’d arrived minutes earlier, with the lie of a few days of Black Bear hunting season.
“You cannot say I’m surprising you,” Thomas said. “You have not been here in over two and a half years.”
She said nothing, walking up the stairs to the second floor. His suitcase was in the room she’d been using. She ported it to an empty room down the hall. Zamren was nowhere to be found. Not surprising given how long she’d been gone. He would have returned to Sanctuary at some point. She sat on the floor at the foot of the bed and began to take the cellophane off cases. Unopened pile to the left, unwrap, place to the right, put trash in front of herself…and some hard thinking on what she was going to do next. She had already decided to go back, but wasn’t ready yet. She needed time to figure out the how still. Any change in plan would hinge on Thomas’ actions.
Thinking of whom, he was already on his way up the steps, a reluctant darkness not sure how to proceed with her but not wanting to chase her away. He wanted to get the situation in hand. He wanted to take her in hand.
She was finding that she could read others much easier and clearer without regret, doubt and confusion to muck things up. She liked that a lot.
“Where have you been all this time?” he asked, leaning against the open door jamb.
“Obligatory opening question noted and ignored. What do you really want to ask?” she returned.
“How long have you been gone?” he tried again.
“Nonthreatening deflective follow up. Get to your purpose. You knew I arrived last night. You brought the former VP of the Iron Knaves with you plus two of the other Kn
aves. That’s four. Who is your number five?”
He stepped forward to sit on the end of the bed behind her, within arm’s reach but not touching her. “You’ve never met him.”
She peeled the wrapper of the next cd.
“Gods, Tyler, you’re so filled with anger I can almost see the sparks.”
“You could have prevented it. You let me go off world. You never spoke up.”
She heard his deep inhale and exhale through his nose.
“You’re right,” he agreed. Part real, part placation. “I haven’t made the best choices for or about you. None of us have. But my love for you was real and it still is. I have men to protect you. You know about me and my role. We can proceed.”
“All I have to do is?” she asked, and there sat a most pregnant pause.
“Trust me.”
She gave a breathy humph. “I don’t know that I’ll ever trust anyone ever again, so don’t hold your breath.”
“You moved my suitcase,” he noticed. “Bring it back please. This is my room. You’ve not used it for over two and a half years. You can stay if you want and I’ll stay on my side of the bed.”
She did nothing but pick up another cd.
“We’re not going to have a battle of wills, Tyler. There’s nothing to struggle over. If you want a room to yourself, go pick another. Bring my suitcase back. Now.”
She put the cd down on the pile and his bag appeared at his right knee.
“Thank you. Do you still eat?” he asked.
“Not much and not often. Not today.”
“I felt you created your planet. Will you take me to see it?”
“Not for a long time. If ever,” she replied. “I’m still deciding what I’m going to do.”
“There’s nothing to decide. We’re here. We go forward from here.”
Forward forward forward. Always forward. What if the way forward was to go back first? Seemed she was getting the most resistance over going back to fix what had been. In that moment, she chose not to divulge her alternative plan. If she was going to do it, she would simply go.
