by Nikki Wild
“I’ve just got nothing much to offer in conversation on my end. Besides… You’re interesting.”
“Stop saying that.”
“What?”
“That I’m interesting. I’m not.”
“That’s up to me to decide that.”
She stares out at the water as the sun dips behind some clouds, sending our oasis into a semi-darkness.
“What’s your favorite motorcycle?”
“A vintage silver super glide,” I recall, able to picture its curves and colors. “Sexiest bike I’ve ever seen.”
“You sure?” Lucy replies. “Not…A V-rod fan?”
“More into the classics.”
Lucy, still facing away from me takes another big sip of her beer then starts spluttering.
“Wrong hole?” I ask.
But then her spluttering turns to a soft twitch of her back. She’s crying.
“Everything okay?”
“Always, Landon.”
I stand and approach her but before I can get close she puts down the beer and throws herself back into the water. I wade in after her, my legs screaming in protest at the sharp cool water.
“Thought it was too cold for you, pussy,” she says, trying to disguise her quivering chin. It’s when I look up to her eyes and she’s looking back at me that I can see the tears rolling down her face.
“Lucy?”
She doesn’t swim away. This girl is too fucking trusting, but there’s a part of me that doesn’t know if I should trust myself. I like the girl, sure. She’s endearing. Complex. Breathtaking… But who the hell am I to deserve her?
“Did I say somethin’ wrong?” I say.
“No.”
“Why are you crying?” My finger rests to her chin, legs kicking hard to keep me above water. She drops her gaze to watch her fingertips swirl through the surface of the water.
“Lucy.”
“Landon, I…”
“You what?”
I watch her mouth closely when she drags her teeth over her lower lip. This time, I physically move away back so I don’t do something with her that I’ll regret. There’s a deep part of me that wants to take care of her, but why? Who is this girl and what is she doing to me?
“I have to tell you something,” I husk.
“Tell me what?”
“All I want to do is fucking kiss you, sweetheart.”
“W—We can’t,” she says meekly through her tears. “It’s all messed up now.”
Carelessly, I approach her again, this time unable to stop myself from wrapping my arms around her freezing figure. She buries her face into my chest and returns the embrace by interlacing her hands behind my neck. I squeeze her tighter. I was meant to meet this girl. Fuck knows why. I’m not into mumbo-jumbo shit like that, but being around her… I don’t feel any urge to leave this place. As long as she’s around, I wanna stay and figure her out. To hell with the club I could barely remember. To hell with bikes and bitches. To hell with Mia and whatever the fuck she had done.
What Mia had done…
Feelings flooded back. Betrayal. Sadness.
Anger…
Like an out of body experience I can feel my bike beneath me, the engine roaring as I rode through the night. A few more miles would put me at the scene of the accident where Lucy found me, but at that moment, one feeling stood out among all the others.
Fear.
What the fuck was I running from?
Lucy’s sobs pulled me back out of my own head.
“Tell me what’s wrong,” I say.
Her head shakes.
“When you’re ready to talk… I’m here.”
She mumbles something into my chest and I pull back to look down at her. “What’d you say?”
“Not for long,” she says again so I hear.
“I’m remembering things Lucy. I need to understand what happened with my club…”
“Apparently.”
She lets me go and swims back to shore.
We stay there by the rush of the waterfall for another hour, but we don’t do much talking. The intimate moment in the water is all but forgotten. She’s keeping something from me, but as I watch her bathing in the afternoon sun I realize the truth… I have no right to know what that something is.
Because I’m keeping something from her.
I look down at my hands, my eyes sweeping across my scarred and callused knuckles. My memory might be fucked, but I know exactly what kind of life those broken and battered knuckles represented…
I’ve lived the kind of life a girl like Lucy could never accept.
I know what kind of man I am.
Ten
Landon had been quiet on the hike back to my place, and when we finally made it, he crashed hard on the couch. Maybe I’d worked him a little harder than I meant to. I looked over at the bruises that had blossomed on his arms and chest from the accident. It was easy to forget just how much damage had been done. I promised myself that I wouldn’t push so hard tomorrow.
If he was still here tomorrow…
I had to get some sense of normalcy back into my life. I threw on some clean clothes and left Landon to rest, heading out the front door without any real destination in mind… Which meant only one thing.
I was going to visit Todd.
As usual, I found him outside his place chopping wood. He stopped himself halfway through a swing of his axe and wiped his brow on his handkerchief, giving me one of his million dollar smiles.
“Here’s a sight for sore eyes,” he says and jogs toward me to land a kiss on my forehead. My arms wrap around his torso. It’s then I notice how much my emotions have shifted. Todd had been a good friend since I’d come to this little town, and maybe someday that was going to lead to something more… But as he held me I knew one thing above all others.
Todd’s not the man I want wrapped in my arms.
He leads us into the house and I step inside, but I sense Todd still waiting behind me. I turn around to see his arm pressed against the living room door frame.
“So,” he starts. “Billie told me about this guy you brought back to your place.”
“It’s only for a few days,” I start, but Todd cuts me off.
“He hasn’t left yet?”
I consider lying for a minute but an honest ‘not yet’ escapes my lips. Dishonesty is wearing me down.
“Where’s he at now?”
“Sleeping on my couch.” I reply, jumping slightly as Todd slaps the wall.
I walk through to the living room and take a seat at the dining table. Todd follows me in, the door shutting behind him.
“This is totally fucking disrespectful.”
“It’s not disrespectful. It’s my house. Look, he’s got no memory, no ID, no wallet. He’s already starting to remember things and I’m just trying to help out someone in need. Where else is he supposed to go?”
Todd pours us both a glass of water and joins me at the table. “Maybe to his own home. He’s a grown man. Let him figure it out for himself.”
“He doesn’t know where he lives.”
“Yeah, well he sure as hell doesn’t live here. You care about people too much, Lucy. This is a man, not some dog with a broken leg. You don’t have to nurse his ass to health.” He reaches out and squeezes my hand. “And Billie thinks he’s dangerous.”
“Billie has been filling your head with bullshit.”
“Says the girl with a gang-banger sleeping on her couch. He was supposed to be on the road by now. What would Billie say if I told her he’s still back at your place?”
“You can’t tell her that he’s still here. Please.”
“What?”
“You can’t.”
“Why the hell are you keeping it secret?”
“Because she hates him for no reason.”
“So?” he replies. “Good for her. He’s bad news and she knows it.”
I stand up, frustrated to all hell and fold my arms. I’d hoped maybe Todd w
ould be a sympathetic ear, but I’d made a mistake coming here in the first place. Before I could walk right back out, Todd grabbed my wrist.
“Stop with the damn attitude. Don’t you see how weird this fucking is? Why would you invite some criminal biker to your house? I’ve never been past your front door, but you let a stranger in like it’s no big deal?”
An anxious cramping in my chest starts to life my panic. I hadn’t taken my pills today… I was feeling good enough that I didn’t think I needed them. I haven’t relived that night since Landon’s been back. His presence has been filling my head so much that he’s all I think about. It’s freeing…
“I need to get back home.”
“What the fuck?”
I press my palm to my chest and try to slow my breathing. “I forgot something.”
“That the real reason you wanna go back?”
I take a few steps toward the back door to calm myself with the view of the ocean.
“Lucy, I don’t want to upset you. You can do whatever the fuck you want. But…I’m worried about you.”
“Yeah, I know. It is messed up. I don’t know what I’ve been thinking. I’ll ask him to leave tomorrow.”
Todd scoffs and takes my forearm. “You’re gonna stay another night with him?”
“Yes. I can’t just kick him out in the dark.”
“Stay here with me then. He leaves right after dawn.”
I file through for an answer. “I don’t wanna leave him alone with my stuff. And you know how much I hate being away from home.”
“You’re that paranoid about him stealing your shit and yet you let him stay? Do you see how dumb this is?”
“Fine. I made a bad choice. Forgive me for trying to do something nice for someone.”
“I mean, are we not a thing, Lucy? You just invite a strange dude to stay over. Do you not see that as a little shitty to me?”
“Todd… You know how I feel. We are not a thing… I’m not ready for that yet…”
I grab at my head. He isn’t going to understand, because I’m not going to tell him the real reason I’m letting Landon stay.
“Just stay here tonight. We’ll get his bike towed tomorrow. Then we gotta call the cops, Lucy. This ain’t your problem to solve.”
“The cops?!” I can’t deal with that thought.
““Lucy Rivers, I really like you,” he says.
Lucy Rivers. Hearing my fake surname come from his lips really drives in the grossness of having this façade. I’ve felt like Lucy Palermo again with Landon. Lucy Rivers. Who is she to me other than a veil to who I really am?
“I like you, too?” I reply, confused.
“Lucy…” My heart skips a beat as he closes the gap between us. What in the hell is he doing?
“This guy… This biker… He’s bad news…” And he trails off, holding a big, awkwardly long pause. “I get it. You’re alone out there in that studio. You’re lost. Vulnerable. Maybe having this guy around makes you feel a little better… But you don’t need him. I’m here for you Lucy. I want you to consider being my girlfriend, officially.”
“What?”
Todd leans back and scratches his head. “That’s…Not quite the reaction I was hoping for.”
“Well, I mean…But…What? Todd, we’re not even dating. Why would I want to suddenly make things official?”
He shakes his head in disbelief. “You can be…Such a fuckin’ bitch sometimes, Lucy. Do I really have to do this with you? What are we, thirteen? Do we have a set number of dates to go on until officially saying we’re going out?”
I catch my head. I can’t deal with this now, or ever for that matter. I don’t need this added pressure. “The answer is no, Todd. You’re m—my friend. I care about you but that’s as far as it’s going to go.”
“Are you seeing other people?”
“No,” I say with a scoff.
“So, what’s the big fucking deal?”
“I just…Relationships scare me, okay? I told you that. You know I haven’t had a serious thing since high school. And the fact you’d ask me this now when I’m obviously panicking. I mean, come on.”
“Well, I assumed we were getting serious but I guess I read us wrong again. Why did you even come here tonight?”
“Don’t be like that. Please don’t get mad, not tonight.”
“I am mad, Lucy. I can get as mad as I fucking want. Of course I’m mad. You come here mentally checked out, probably thinking about that criminal living with you. You shoot me down when I’ve spent days building up the nerve to ask you this… And you’re lying to me, Lucy. I don’t know why you’re keeping this guy at your house, but I know you’re not doing it out of the goodness of your fucking cold heart. Yeah Lucy, I’m mad.”
“I can explain…”
“I don’t want to hear it. It’s time for you to go before I fucking lose it, okay?”
“Fine,” I reply, “but I’m borrowing your truck.”
I didn’t give him a chance to respond as I stood up, snatched the keys off the kitchen hook, and headed straight out the door.
Eleven
I never heard Lucy come home last night. Wherever she is, I fucking miss her. She’s the only distraction out here in this sleepy village.
I stare out the window to the ocean while holding Babeen. I can’t fully comprehend how this girl stands living so far away from reality. There’s nothing good on TV and no other form of distraction aside from the cat. It’s when the clock hits five PM and Lucy’s nowhere to be seen that I know it’s time to regain control. My mind’s made up. It’s time for me to man up and find my own way.
Inside one of Lucy’s kitchen drawers I find a map of the small town. I take a minute to trace the roads back toward the tavern, and from there, across to the highway that leads of town. I stop, tapping a sweeping curve with my fingertip. There it is… My ticket out of here. It’s a long walk, but I can make it.
As I walk down the driveway, a reflection of the sun catches in my eye and derails my whole plan. Looks like I won’t have to go hunting for it. There she is. Silver and chrome, still beat up from the accident and resting up against the garage.
How the hell did it end up back here? I jog over to my baby and fall at her side, running my hands down the bent chrome.
She’s hurt bad.
It was worse than I’d hoped. The paint’s scratched, the exhaust is hanging on by a thread, the wheels are fucked, and there’s no damn way she’s going to ride out of here anytime soon. This is no cheap fix. I hunt around and find a blue tarp to pull over her to keep her from rusting.
I’m going to need money…
I’m going to need some kind of job.
“I see you found it,” Lucy shouts, walking up the road behind me. I stop dwelling on my problems and let her beauty distract me a while.
“How’d you get it back here?”
“Wasn’t too hard… A few people stopped to help lift it into the truck. Getting it down was a little harder… I hope I didn’t hurt it.”
“The damage was already done,” I replied, shaking my head. “Thanks for getting her out of that ditch.”
“Yeah… Don’t mention it. You keeping yourself busy? How’s your head?”
“Still fucked… At least I had some reading materials,” I say, gesturing to her studio. “I now know 1001 tricks to try in bed, how to be a boss bitch plus a few unhealthy ways to lose ten pounds in a week. Every day’s a school day.”
“Ah, you found my secret stash of trash mags, huh? Guilty.” She brightens up. “Look, I need some way to unwind after this hectic single girl lifestyle I lead.”
“Yeah, I bet.”
She smiles at me and I smile back. Her mood seems different than it was yesterday. Comfortable… Happier… But still just a little nervous.
And I feel something familiar welling up inside of me again.
Desire.
This girl has an effect on me.
I follow her back inside and I watch her g
ather a few things from around the studio while Babeen squeezes his way between her legs.
“So, how was your day aside from dragging my scrap metal out of a ditch?”
“Weird. But…I have a surprise for you.”
“I’m not sure my legs are ready for another one of your surprises,” I laugh, still sore from our hike.
“Don’t worry, we’re not going far.”
I extend my hand and she takes it. We exit out the ranch slider into the clearing of her back yard that looks out at a vast expanse of ocean-side cliffs and tundra.
We breach a dense bush-line, curve around some big rocks until we are standing on an overhanging cliff. She pulls a big towel out of her backpack and lays it down on the dirt, laying out a small picnic as I watch.
“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were trying to keep me here Lucy,” I say, sitting down next to her, my knees aching.
“I’m just trying to help,” she replies.
“I do have to head off tomorrow. I’ve got to get my bike fixed, find my wallet, and figure out what the next step is for me. I can’t do that here… I’ve already overstayed my welcome.”
“You’re no burden,” she says.
“Yet.”
“Never. Honestly, stay as long as you need. I enjoy your company.”
“Lucy, I don’t wanna offend you in saying this. Why, goddammit, why do you want to keep me here so badly?”
“I don’t.” She’s quick to answer. “I just want to make sure you’re fit enough to leave. What if you go back to Jethrow and realize it was a mistake? You’ll be alone.”
“I want you to come with me.”
“What?” she asks, choking on a bite of her sandwich.
“Help me get my bike back to Jethrow. I’m remembering things. Names, faces. I know my club is back there and I know I can fix whatever the hell happened. I’ve got money there… I can pay you back for what you’ve done here.”
“Landon, you know I’d do anything for you it’s just… I can’t go to Jethrow… I mean…” She cuts herself off and her eyes widen. I stare at her for a moment. She’s do anything for me? What in the hell was going on with this girl?
