She didn’t know how to explain it to a powerful, rich, fit, tall, famous man who probably never felt small in his whole life. She couldn’t put into words how, day-by-day, Sean would methodically strip her of her sense of humour, sense of fun, sense of self until he shredded her confidence and made her a quivering wreck. He never stopped and she was always scared of him, scared of what he would say and do, scared to do anything to cause his displeasure. She became scared of what others felt about her and wondering if they saw all the same ugly things Sean seemed to see. She had to build a wall of bravado around her simply so she could function.
Then, of course, there was the long and difficult journey to find herself again when Sean was finally gone.
“Hurt,” she finished and her voice betrayed vividly in that one word just how destructive Sean had been.
Douglas walked forward again and Julia had no place to retreat so she held her ground.
“And what did your brother do about this?” he asked, his tone still quiet, the menace somehow gone but that didn’t make her less frightened. If anything, she was more so because now his quiet tone was also, shockingly, gentle.
He looked down on her; he was so close she could feel the heat from his body. She ignored it and pressed on and she did this in an effort to finish this discussion and move on.
“Well,” she hesitated, staring in his expressionless face, “after the divorce, he waited, of course, until I’d ended it, I think… I don’t know, but I think that Gavin arranged for Sean to have an accident.”
Douglas went very still and she rushed on, “I have no way of knowing if he did it but the police said it was suspicious, the accident. They interviewed me a couple of times, thinking I might have had something to do with it, but they never could prove anything. Gavin was so angry, he hated Sean anyway and when I told him some of the things Sean had said. Well… once, when I was in high school, some boys were talking about me, saying nasty things and Gavin took them on, all five of them. They eventually beat the hell out of Gavin but he did a good deal of damage before they overcame him and, after that, the talk stopped. It was known from then on that I was Gavin Fairfax’s sister and no one was to mess with me. It played havoc with my social life, let me tell you.” It was a lame joke but she was trying to lighten the very heavy mood.
Douglas’s face was no longer blank and he was not amused by her joke. His look was now strangely intense (or more intense than was normal with Douglas) as he stared down at her and she had to tilt her head back to look at him.
She found she was holding her breath.
“So you think, because Webster ‘messed with you’, Gavin arranged for him to have an accident?” he asked, his voice deceptively calm but underlying it there was hint of an emotion Julia could not put her finger on.
“Yes. I don’t know, maybe. It’s not entirely out of character for Gavin. He seemed very easygoing but you didn’t mess with someone he loved. What the police said, it sounded bad. Sean wasn’t beloved by all, so it could have been others, but Gavin could be, well, he protected Mom and me our whole lives as the man of the family after our father left, even when he was a little boy. So I wouldn’t put it past him to protect me like that, get vengeance for me. Sean wasn’t hurt too badly, he survived. It was just a warning.” She hoped to make it seem not as bad as it sounded. “We’re close,” she went on. “It was only the three of us, we all took care of each other. So, Gavin took care of me and now… now I’m taking care of his children,” she finished on a shrug and hoped he understood. She wanted desperately to get away from him, wanted to escape his bizarre intensity, wanted to stop talking about Sean.
“Gavin didn’t arrange for Webster to have an accident,” Douglas announced firmly, surprising her with his words.
“How do you know?”
“Because I did,” he told her bluntly without a hint of hesitation.
Julia gasped and her eyes rounded in disbelief.
Then she cried, “What?”
“He was an ass,” was all he said to explain.
She stared at him, stunned, then whispered, “You? You did it?”
“I may do it again,” he muttered as if to himself.
“But why? Why did you do it?” She ignored his last comment.
“He was an ass,” Douglas repeated.
“Did Gavin ask you to?”
“No.”
Then it dawned on her.
“Tamsin,” she breathed.
He moved closer to her but she didn’t notice. She was too astounded by his incredible announcement.
“She told me,” Julia explained, “long after Sean was gone. She told me he made a pass at her, a rather unpleasant pass. She told you too, didn’t she?”
It was then Julia realised how close he was to her. If she moved, her breasts would brush against his chest. She started to feel a rising panic, both because of his unpredictable mood and of her body’s acute response to his closeness.
“What would he say to you?” he asked, abruptly changing the subject and she faltered.
“What?” she blinked, not following.
“Webster. What would he say to you?”
“Why do you want to know?”
And why did he want to know? Not only was it none of his business but she couldn’t imagine he’d care.
“Just tell me,” he demanded.
“I don’t want to, I don’t like thinking about it.”
To her further shock, his hands came up, both of them. Gently resting on either side of her jaw, he held her face and Julia’s body went still.
Douglas rarely touched her, he rarely touched anyone, and he’d certainly never touched her like this.
“Tell me.” His voice was now cajoling, his face close. She couldn’t keep up with him, the ominous Douglas, the gentle Douglas, the fierce Douglas, the coaxing Douglas, when it always used to be just… Douglas.
God, her head was spinning with it.
She took a shaky breath and then another one to calm down.
Maybe if she explained, he’d trust her. Maybe he’d finish this idiot game and they could live in some kind of détente, he would leave her alone and they could simply raise the children. Maybe if he understood her and her bond with Gavin a little bit (even though she doubted he had a like bond with anyone), he’d give her the benefit of the doubt. And maybe, if she told him, he’d move away from her so she could think straight, get control of her emotions and her body, which were both betraying her. Her stomach was warm and melty and that feeling was travelling relentlessly south.
“It was crazy, he was insane,” she said on a quiet rush. “I couldn’t do anything right. He didn’t like the way I dressed, he didn’t like how I styled my hair. I ate too much, talked too much or said stupid things. We’d have a dinner party and he’d yell at me about how I prepared the dessert. I’d go to the grocery store and I didn’t buy the right kind of coffee even though it was the coffee he’d always liked. I don’t know, it was everything and it was nothing.” His thumbs were now gently stroking her jaw, she felt his touch vibrantly and she bit her lip to try not to react to it. “It doesn’t matter now,” she whispered. “It was a long time ago.”
“He was a fool,” Douglas murmured and his words caused the melty feeling to radiate throughout her entire body.
“He was a lot of things,” Julia agreed, her voice shaky. “Now could you –?”
“How did you feel?” he interrupted her. “About the accident?”
“I…” Now that she knew he was behind it, what could she say? It scared her that he was capable of it but she’d accepted it from Gavin, even though she never really knew for sure. He was only doing the same for his own sister. But understanding he was capable of that type of violence, violence he inflicted on behalf of his sister, it drew her and repelled her at the same time.
“I was beyond caring at that point,” she lied. She wasn’t beyond caring then and she wasn’t beyond caring now.
She had felt a guilty sat
isfaction that Sean had a modicum of pain, that maybe someone somewhere had wanted to hurt him and did. As much as she knew it was wrong, she also knew that something had long since died in her, something Sean killed, a hope for a life of love and happiness spent with a wonderful man. Because of that, Julia felt somewhere, in the deepest, darkest regions of her heart, that Sean deserved it.
One thumb moved from her jaw, to slide gently across her bottom lip, in doing so making her lip tingle. Douglas’s face was completely illuminated by the moon and she watched as his eyes followed his movement and she trembled, a delicious feeling she could not control moving through her body as her thoughts ravaged her mind.
“And now?” he asked, sounding like he very much cared about her answer.
“Now?” Julia whispered.
“Yes. Now. How do you feel?”
“You mean, now that I know you did it?” she inquired, her teeth bit her bottom lip again to stop it from trembling and she accidentally nipped his thumb. She just stopped herself from apologising but he ignored it except his eyes moved back to her mouth, his gaze directed there making both her lips tingle.
With his hands holding her face, she couldn’t look away and he didn’t answer her question.
“You wasted your energy. Sean wasn’t worth it,” she replied, trying to make her tone hard to change the mood.
Although her words were true, how she really felt was floored. Mostly because he was so nonchalant about it, being responsible for another person’s misfortune. But also the depth of feeling such an act showed that he had for his sister, she didn’t know Douglas had that depth of feeling in him for anyone.
“Julia.” His tone held a gentle warning that said he didn’t believe her.
She closed her eyes and licked her lips, pressing them together. Then, for reasons unknown to her, she whispered her darkest secret, “He wasn’t worth it but he deserved it.”
Douglas’s only response was to tighten his hands on her jaw and she felt somehow that response, however slight, was significant.
“And have you recovered from his behaviour?” His soft words caused her eyes to flutter open.
She stared at him, wondering what this was all about and tiring of true confessions.
Enough, she thought, really was enough.
“Why do you want to know this?” she asked, her voice sounding slightly curt.
“Just answer me.”
“No. Okay? No,” she snapped, tore her head away from his hands and leaned away from him, arching her back against the desk to do so. “I haven’t recovered. You don’t recover from something like that. I learned my lesson. I’m better off without him, without anyone,” she admitted with rancour.
“I see. This is why you didn’t remarry.”
“Yes,” Julia replied, exposing bitterness deep in that one word. “This”, how he put it, was why she didn’t do anything since Sean, no boyfriends, no lovers, no nothing. Sean had worked hard to teach her a lesson about men and added to that was her father’s betrayal of her mother. Between the two of them, she learned that lesson well. There were very few Gavin Fairfaxes in the world, indeed, only one and he’d been her brother and now he was gone.
Again, they were in territory that was none of his business and it was decidedly ticking… her… off.
“If you must know, and apparently you do, yes,” she informed him. “I won’t remarry and if by some miracle I do, it will be to a pudgy, short, bald man who worships the ground I walk on and doesn’t mind cleaning the bathroom.”
With that statement, Douglas threw back his head and roared with laughter as if this situation was of such comedic proportions as to delight all mankind.
This shocked her so much, Julia jumped.
Firstly, it was not an amusing moment and secondly, she’d never heard him laugh.
Perhaps a chuckle here and there but out and out laughter?
Never.
When he was finished he leaned into her and she was forced to arch further away. She couldn’t escape him, however, because, to her disbelief, his arms slid around her and he pulled her into his body.
“Douglas,” her voice was low, her pulse leaping madly, “what are you doing?”
“I’m going to kiss you,” he replied evenly as if this was the most natural thing in the world. As if he hadn’t just gone from accusing her of whatever it was he was accusing her of to demanding she bare her most personal, painful and illicit secrets.
His breath smelled pleasantly of whisky and his hard body warmed her and that was a heady combination.
“Oh no you aren’t.” She shook her head, tried to twist her body away and pushed against his chest all at the same time. These actions had no result except his arms tightened.
“Yes,” he whispered, his head was descending, “I am.”
With superhuman effort, she pulled free and slid to the side, retreating by walking backwards towards the door.
“Listen,” she pleaded, “I don’t know what game you’re playing but I don’t want to play it with you. I’ve got enough to worry about without you doing… whatever it is you’re doing. So can you just stop it and let me be?”
“No,” was his answer and he followed her, advancing as she retreated.
“Why?” Julia cried, her voice rising. “Why on earth are you doing this?” Then she stopped and squared up against him, aggravated beyond caring. “It’s unnecessary. I’m not a gold-digging, crazy woman, okay? I’m just going to raise those kids, get a job, live my life and when Ruby moves on, I’m going to go away. That’s it. Period. The end. I don’t have my eyes on your fortune. I’m just here to grant my brother’s dying wish and I don’t need you making it more difficult for me than it already is.”
He’d stopped too but he didn’t say a word.
“Okay?” she prompted on a near shout.
“No,” he said again.
“Why?” she threw her hands up in agitation. “What are you getting out of this?”
She asked and she really wanted to know. He started walking towards her again and Julia started retreating again, step for step. What he didn’t do was answer.
“Okay, play your games.” She gave in but she did it with her heart beating faster. “See if I care, I’m going to bed,” she announced to finish and turned to walk away.
“Excellent idea,” he returned immediately, his insinuation as shocking as it was clear.
“Alone!” she spat over her shoulder.
“Julia, we need to talk.”
“Not now we don’t and I’m not sure we ever do!” She whirled around and faced him. “I’m fed up with you lot. You leave me with your mother who has all the warmth of a Siberian winter. You don’t call. You don’t give a good goddamn about those children. You show up accusing me of… whatever,” she threw one arm out, dramatically, “you kiss me for no reason, stalk me around your study. Fine, okay, I get it. I’m some kind of game to you. Apparently your life is so boring you’ve run out of challenges so you have to play with humans in order to find amusement. Go for it. See if I care. You obviously don’t know how stubborn I am so have at it. You won’t win.”
And with that, Julia turned to leave.
“I think I will,” Douglas said to her back.
“Think again, I’m a lot stronger than I look,” she announced as she made her way to the door, hoping she was right. “If I can take on an asshole like Sean and emerge unscathed… well, virtually so, then you’re a pussycat.”
“I wouldn’t underestimate me,” he warned.
She thought of something, stopped at the door, turned back to face him and put her chin up.
“One rule,” Julia declared.
“No rules,” Douglas replied.
“One rule,” she ignored him, “whatever it is you’re after, you don’t drag the children into it.”
He didn’t even think, just inclined his arrogant head in agreement.
“Good. Let the games begin,” she declared sarcastically.
An
d before he could reply, she left, trying not to look like she was fleeing. Her heart was racing, her head was aching and she was scared to death. As she walked, she felt the arctic draught around her feet and looked down.
It wasn’t an invisible draught this time but looked like wisps of fog gathering around her ankles. She picked up the pace but it stayed with her, detached from her ankles and floated ahead. Julia watched in dread as it approached her bedroom door but then it slid past, towards the chapel, disappearing around the corner. She ran into her room, slammed the door and, for good measure, threw the bolt home.
“Dear Lord, what have I gotten myself into?” she asked the room.
The scratching at the window was her only reply.
Chapter Nine
Julia’s New Position
The next morning, Douglas arrived to an empty breakfast table. Julia had gone with Carter to take the children to school. Avoiding him no doubt.
Knowing this almost made him smile.
After breakfast, he holed himself in his study, catching up with e-mails and telephone calls he’d not been able to return while he was away with Nick. His mother arrived home with the usual fuss and fanfare and he kept his door closed. Monique knew from experience that meant he did not wish to be disturbed. For hours, he heard nothing more, Julia, Ruby nor Carter returned home. Julia would have to come through the front door, of course, the family never used anything but the front door. To do that, she’d have to pass his study.
Then it struck him that, being Julia, perhaps she didn’t use the front door.
Finally, impatient to set his plan into action, he went to find her.
Mrs. Kilpatrick was in the dining room using a foul-smelling, lemon-scented balm to polish the already exceptionally high sheen of the dining room table.
“Sir,” she muttered, not looking at him.
“Mrs. Kilpatrick,” he replied as greeting, intending to pass her as usual and go straight to Julia’s rooms.
Then he heard, “Lady Ashton got home not two hours ago.”
Mrs. Kilpatrick addressing him caused him to stop in surprise. He turned back to her, saw her eyes on him were hesitant and inclined his head as a gesture of gratitude at her unnecessary bit of news.
Sommersgate House Page 14
