by Elaine White
Purging to a stranger suited him. There was no risk of Kenichi being around long enough to let anything slip by accident or on purpose. There were no lectures, with Kenichi doing that damned annoying thing Tracy did, by reminding him there were things he had to tell people and things he had to do, but that he was shying away from.
Simple and uncomplicated suited him just fine.
It was clear when the movie ended, as everyone began leaving en masse, passing the place where Alvin and Kenichi had found some privacy. With a groan, Kenichi sat up and turned to offer Alvin an apologetic smile.
“Back to work,” he said, sounding less than enthusiastic about it.
Although he understood the logic of it all – Kenichi going back to work, him leaving and not looking back – a part of him was still sad that it had to happen. But, he got to his feet, dusted off his jeans and stepped up close to give Kenichi a hug.
“Thanks for listening,” he whispered, grateful for the uncritical ear, “and the great snogging session,” he added, cheekily.
Kenichi laughed and squeezed him hard, then let out a long sigh and released him to turn away. He didn't look back and Alvin gave a nod of approval to his back. This was smart. Besides, they'd never see each other again and definitely shouldn't, but they also barely knew each other. Maybe they'd shared some stories and secrets, things they'd probably never tell anyone else, but that didn't mean much in the grand scheme of things.
No exchanging phone numbers, no fake promises to keep in touch, no Facebook or e-mail exchanges. Just a quick hug, a brief kiss and goodbye.
Alvin stopped short and looked over his shoulder. Damn it! He'd forgotten that last kiss. And it would have been so nice, too. Or maybe it would have been another reason to hesitate and not leave? Who knew? He just wished he'd thought of it before now.
He waited where he was, until the misfit stragglers came into view. When his friends appeared, Tracy was wiping tears from his eyes and muttering about 'shrivelled little legs', while Javon smiled adoringly at him.
Alvin limited himself to one roll of the eyes, then braced himself as Digby followed, playing with his phone, and Rook and Vito pulled up the rear. They too were reliving the 'epic' final moments of the film.
“Right. Everyone here and accounted for? Let's go home,” he decided, clasping his hands and falling in line.
With the way everyone dawdled, he caught up to Tracy and Javon in no time. They were huddled close together, with Tracy tucked under Javon's arm.
“You two in one piece?” he asked teasingly.
“Only just,” Tracy muttered, then peeked up through his long fringe and stared at him like a deer caught in the headlights. “Are you in one piece?”
The question came as a surprise and wasn't exactly welcome, but Alvin shrugged it off and turned to Javon, who seemed to be walking on air. “Are you happy?” he asked, waiting for his brother's silent nod and grin of reply. “Then I'm fine. And we're fine,” he promised, knowing fine well that Tracy would panic about that.
No doubt, he'd held off telling Javon how he felt for fear that their friendship wouldn't survive it. Which was ridiculous, really. If he could put up with Tracy's show tunes, love for classic romance movies and aversion to decent fashion sense, Alvin could definitely put up with him dating his brother.
“Thank God,” Tracy whispered.
Javon just smiled and reached out to take his hand.
“Are we heading home? We could put in another film, get out the hot chocolate and sweets, and make a night of it?” Alvin suggested, looking back to include the others. Every one of them looked tired, after spending nearly two solid hours watching a movie and lying on the grass.
Digby nodded, but didn't look up from his phone, so he counted that as a yes. After a moment of secret whispering between the couple at the back, Rook replied in the positive, while Vito leaned heavily on his shoulder. It looked like he'd be asleep before the film even started. But that was fine too.
Alvin just wanted to spend a little more time with these guys. They might be weird, total misfits, and the biggest bunch of nerds he'd ever known, but he loved them. These guys were his family. The one he chose for himself.
“I think that's a great idea,” Javon agreed, giving him a shoulder bump and a meaningful look that asked if he was really okay. Since he couldn't give an honest answer, because he genuinely didn't know, he just smiled. “And maybe Tracy could stay over?” he asked, lowering his voice a little.
The idea of what that could mean – that Javon might rush into sex or that he might have to stop Tracy from rushing into it – made his blood run cold. But he couldn't deny that happy gleam in his eyes and the flush to his cheeks. Whatever Javon wanted to do, he was probably going to do it with or without Alvin's permission. At least if he had some kind of say in it, he could do the whole 'birds and the bees', 'be careful' speech and slip a few precautionary items into his bedroom.
“As long as you promise not to go all weird on me?” Javon pressed, giving him another pointed look.
Noticing that his brother was getting more suspicious of his silence than anything he was afraid to say, Alvin faked a grin and ruffled his hair. “Weird? Me? Whatever gave you that idea?” he teased, then he reached over and pinched Tracy's arm. “Now, here are the rules,” he began.
Javon groaned and turned to hide his flushed face in Tracy's hair, while his new boyfriend just blushed and smiled.
“No hanky panky under the covers,” Alvin rhymed off, even though he knew there was no risk. Tracy was a good guy and he'd be patient with Javon. But it didn't hurt to remind them of that, either. “No nakedness allowed. No touching below the waist...no, wait...below the neck. No snogging.”
“What!” Javon emerged then, to glare at him.
“Oho!” Alvin couldn't help but laugh. “So, you plan on getting some tonsil tennis practice, do you? Not on my watch, you don't,” he warned, jokingly. Like he'd bother to check up on them, once everyone turned in for the night. Whatever they got up to behind closed doors, he wanted no part of.
They passed the Ferris wheel, still busy with a queue outside, and he tried not to flush when he spotted Kenichi standing accepting tickets at the booth. He smiled, but quickly turned back to torturing Javon. Even if he did try to keep sneaking a quick peek back at Kenichi until he was out of sight.
“No tongues, no wandering hands...”
Chapter 7
Two Days Later
Alvin took care of all the preparations for moving before they even had the house packed up. His parents were pretty useless at knowing how to handle the school system, so it was up to him to make sure that, when he and Javon walked into their new school, everything would be ready.
The last thing they needed – on top of being new in town, likely the only black kids in the entire school, and gay to boot – was to have the hassle of not knowing where they were going, getting lost between classes, and finding that their academic records hadn't been transferred properly.
Most of it was easy to do. A phone call to the school they were leaving, to hand over the address and details of the school they were moving to, reminded everyone that the transfer was in progress. A phone call to the new school had them booked in for a meeting with the principal and a tour of the school the week before their first official day of attendance.
Some last minute shopping meant they were fully stocked for a new school year. Javon had grown a few inches over the summer, so Alvin made sure to get him new clothes, since this new school didn't have a uniform. New trainers, a stockpile of notebooks and stationary, and they were pretty much set.
And he still had that nagging feeling he'd missed something.
“You do know this isn't your job, right?” Tracy asked, perched on the end of his bed while flicking through a magazine.
Alvin ignored the 'how many times do we need to go over this' tone and looked around his bedroom to make sure he'd packed the last of the books from his shelves. They still had another we
ek to pack everything, but he had this irrational paranoia that something had been missed, and wanted to make sure it wasn't something important to him. They could come back, within the first two weeks of their move, but after that the new family would have moved in and whatever he'd left behind would be gone forever.
“Leave him be,” Javon chimed in quietly, walking into the room with four cans of Coke; two balanced on top of each other in each hand.
“Someone has to be organised, around here,” Alvin snapped back, too irritated by the nagging feeling in his gut to care how harsh it sounded. His parents really were kind of useless when it came to being organised, unless it revolved around their work. So, although he refused to say it again, the situation was obvious. If he didn't do it, who would?
Lifting his checklist from the desk, he gave it a quick once-over and mentally ticked off those he'd completed today. He'd mark it off properly before going to bed.
The bookcases were emptied and packed into boxes; they just needed to be taped up. The bathroom would be the last thing to pack. His clothes were all neatly piled up on the dresser, divided into 'moving gear', 'pre-moving' and the extras that were to be packed right away. Probably tomorrow. His shoes were packed, bar the trainers he was wearing this week and throughout the move.
Next, he scanned the list of Javon's packing tasks and mentally ticked off that he'd done everything Alvin asked of him, to get ahead. Though there was still time before they moved, he hoped that by packing early enough, he could give Javon more free time to spend with Tracy, before the miles and hours of travel got in the way.
The things that couldn't be accomplished until the move were at the very bottom. Spend a few days in their new town before attending school, to get acquainted with the popular hangouts and find the 'no go' areas that weren't safe. Get a tour of the school grounds. Make sure their academic records were taken into account, so that they didn't have to double-up by doing work they'd completed at their current school at the new one.
At least he had the advanced reading list, which the principal had promised to send to them within a few days. They could grab the books at the library, or buy them online, then have at least a week or two to catch up on all the work and reading that the other kids had done during the summer holidays, or just before it.
Then it would be time for the dreaded first day of school.
“Hey.”
Alvin blinked away from his list and looked up to find Tracy smiling at him softly. A quick glance showed him that Javon had left the room again, though he had missed why.
“I'm not going to be there to remind you as often as I have to,” Tracy said quietly, “but you are not the parent of this family. You are not responsible for Javon, and whether he succeeds in school. He's older now; he doesn't need you to protect him so much. I think he showed both of us that, this weekend,” he admitted.
There was no way to deny it, so Alvin kept his mouth shut, even as he put his list back onto the desk and took a steadying breath. “It's not wrong to worry about him,” he said instead, because even Tracy wouldn't disagree.
Shaking his head, Tracy grabbed his arm, hugged it tight and rested his head against Alvin's shoulder. “You're my bestie, Alvin. This weekend, I finally saw you having fun. And, though it's the first time you ever listened to me,” he teased, lifting his head to flash a glittering smile and amused eyes his way, “you were reckless. You acted like the teenager you are, and I loved seeing it. But, I also realised that you're not cut out to be reckless.”
There was no judgement there, so Alvin kept his mouth shut. He had been reckless, making out with a complete stranger and then disappearing off with Kenichi. But it had also been one of the most liberating moments of his life. He just didn't know what to do with that information.
“You connected with this guy...Kenichi...and now you're moping, because you were stupid enough to let him walk away, without even getting his number,” Tracy admitted, almost drifting into scolding for a moment. Then he shook his head and shrugged. “Maybe it was the right thing, maybe it wasn't. But you need to take your own advice sometimes. How long have you been telling Javon to trust his heart, his instincts, and to chase his dreams? When are you going to chase your own?”
He couldn't do this.
He was not spending his day, when he had so much to do, talking about dreams and wishes and stupid things that would never happen. “I don't have dreams,” he argued, moving away from Tracy to continue packing. He picked up a half dozen t-shirts and started piling them into the box he'd already placed at the bottom of the dresser, for his clothes.
“Yes, you do. You just pretend you don't, because you'd rather help Javon rush after his than acknowledge that you might actually want something, for once,” Tracy argued back, the heat in his voice giving Alvin pause.
They never argued. Or, at least, very rarely. Tracy was always so happy-go-lucky and positive about everything. He cancelled out all the negativity and seriousness that kept Alvin functioning. It was what made them such good friends.
“You need to promise me, Alvin,” his friend said, forcing him to look over his shoulder to find Tracy leaning against the desk, sad eyes fixed on the carpet. “You're starting a whole new life and, I can't be there every minute to push you anymore, so you need to do it for yourself. You need to admit there's something you want bad enough that you're willing to be selfish. You need to chase your dream...before it disappears,” he said, the certainty in his voice causing his heart to skip nervously.
They both knew what he was talking about. Tracy had been on at him for years to get a boyfriend, to be stupid and reckless at parties, to make out with strangers and put himself out there. But that wasn't how he worked.
While Kenichi had been open about being asexual and having no interest in the physical things, Alvin had never really thought too hard about it. He was just 'gay' and that was it. He was into guys and whatever happened, happened, or didn't happen. Yet, the thought of hooking up with random strangers or being as free with his feelings as Tracy had always been, scared the shit out of him. He just couldn't imagine ever wanting to sneak off with someone for a quickie or a grope in the corner of a club. It felt wrong, somehow.
He knew the others didn't feel the same. It was why he'd never said anything about it. Alvin just knew that he wasn't meant for casual flings and flirting. He wanted something deeper than that. And, while snogging Kenichi had been stupid and reckless, it was the connection they'd made after that really stuck in his throat.
It was why he couldn't deny what Tracy was saying. Why he couldn't pretend that Tracy didn't know he was pining after a guy he'd never see again. That impossible dream that was Kenichi. “And how am I supposed to do that?” Alvin asked, though he wasn't sure he really wanted to know.
“By being honest with yourself,” Tracy replied, so quietly, so calmly, that it made Alvin look back at his friend again. He was smiling, nothing but sadness radiating from him, even as he pushed himself from the desk and crossed to where Alvin stood. “You're lonely, and you want someone to love. That's nothing to be ashamed of. I only wish you'd take care of yourself as much as you take care of Javon,” he continued.
“He needs me.” As feeble as it sounded, it was the truth. Javon had been counting on him to be there, to be in charge, to take care of him, his entire life. If Alvin stopped doing that, he wasn't sure who he'd become.
With a sigh, Tracy nodded and hugged him from behind, never one to second guess his instincts or care about personal boundaries. “I know. And you need him,” he agreed, at least acknowledging that much. “But he has me, now. Just like you've always had me. The only difference is that he's willing to lean on me, and you never were,” he said, tipping his head back to rest his chin on Alvin's shoulder.
“I–”
Tracy gave him a gentle squeeze, cutting off any attempts he might have made to apologise or rationalise his inability to accept help. “You have a heart, Alvin. Be brave enough to share it with someone w
ho deserves you,” he asked, resting his head against Alvin's back as he continue the one-sided hug. “And make sure I'm the first one you call, when you realise that you're not made of stone, after all. Okay?”
He couldn't speak. It just wasn't possible. Not without the risk of some sob or ridiculous squeak escaping his clogged up throat. How Tracy could know all this and say it so openly, how he could see right into Alvin's head and heart all this time but not say anything, left him speechless.
And vulnerable.
He'd never thought anyone would notice. The way he'd put his own life aside to focus on raising Javon and making sure he was happy and healthy. The way he'd ignored his own dreams and hopes to make sure Javon always got his. Alvin wasn't even sure it was conscious anymore; it was just something he'd always done.
When Javon needed new clothes, Alvin bought them, even if it meant missing out on that movie he wanted to see or that new jacket he wanted. When Javon was struggling with class, Alvin would abandon his plans with Tracy or that movie night he planned, or the studying he needed to do, to tutor his brother until he felt confident. And if he couldn't do it himself, he found someone who could, no matter the cost or the sacrifice.
Was that why his time with Kenichi had left such an impression? Because he'd finally, for once, not been Javon's big brother? Because he'd finally allowed himself an hour or two to figure out who Alvin really was?
And, if so, what did it mean? Who was Alvin, when he wasn't Javon's brother, father figure, protector, and tutor?
Did he want to find out?
Javon walked in, all bright smiles and only a faint crease of his brow at the way Tracy hugged him so tight. He strengthened his smile, in that way he did when he was ignoring something, and held up both hands, with two huge bowls in them. “Who wants ice cream?” he asked, the false cheer and happiness distracting Tracy for a moment.
