The Darkness of Perfection

by Michael Schneider

  My mommy had dressed me in a pink and white polka-dot swimsuit with ruffles around the openings.

  My hair was in pigtails with ribbons, and my fingers and toes were painted to match the fabric of my suit.

  “You don’t need to be scared, Jayden. I’ll catch you,” he called back.

  The young teenage boy was straddling a small yellow float in the water belowme, his arms poised to catch me. He was too big for it, which caused the float to sink below the surface so I could barely make out the dark color of his board shorts. His wet hair was slicked back off of his face, and he squinted against the sunlight reflecting off the surface of the water.

  I thought he looked like King Triton rising out of the water. All he needed was his magical trident.

  I shook my head and began to slowly back away from the edge.

  “Jayden Ann, the only way you’re coming down from there is through the water. Nowstop embarrassing me and jump off the damn board!”Daddy yelled from the patio.

  He and Nicky’s father were sitting at the table talking while they watched. Nicky’s father was my daddy’s boss and a very important man. Daddy was always talking about howpowerful he was and he looked like it. He was very tall and bigger than my daddy and had scary eyes. He looked even scarier when he smiled and reminded me of the monsters in the cartoons on TV.

  Daddy said they’d get to live on Easy Street if I was very, very good this weekend. I didn’t knowwhere that was but hoped it had a yard big enough for a swing. NowI was letting him down because I was acting like a baby.

  I crept forward along the diving board again. My bottom lip trembled, and it was hard to see because I started crying, the tears spilling over and down my cheeks. Nicky was still just floating, waiting for me to jump, and smiled at me. His smile made me feel better.

  “Come on Jayden, you can do it,”he called to me.

  “Do you promise to catch me?” I asked. My voice was soft so Daddy wouldn’t hear.

  “Don’t think about it, just jump. I promise I’ll catch you,”he swore.

  I stared into his blue eyes and felt safe. Then I took a deep breath and jumped, reaching out to him with my eyes tightly shut, hoping he would catch me before I drowned. The water came up to my lips before I felt myself being caught under my arms, and I wrapped my arms and legs tightly around his neck and waist before opening my eyes.

  “See? You did it. I told you I would catch you,” he grinned, rubbing his nose against mine playfully, making me laugh. “Nowthat I gotcha, I think I’ll keep you. What do ya’ say, Jayden? Wanna be my very own little kitten?” he asked as he swam us toward the edge of the pool.

  I hugged him tighter so I wouldn’t slip off the float, and nodded. He had been nice to me all weekend.

  He paid attention to me and made me feel special. I liked playing with him. “Pretend” was my favorite game where I could be anything I wanted. Maybe after I pretended to be his kitten, we could pretend I was a princess and he could rescue me from the evil dragon.

  What do you do when the prince becomes the dragon? Do you slay the dragon or save the prince?

  Age eight

  I jerked on the handlebars of my new pink bike, complete with streamers and a white basket in front, as my feet pedaled furiously to stay upright. The bike tipped to the side and I squeezed my eyes shut so I wouldn’t see my fall. I heard him running beside me and felt his strong hand grab the seat behind me as he kept me from falling.

  “Just pedal faster, JJ! You can do it,” he encouraged.

  I took a deep breath, my eyes squinted in determination as I pedaled even faster, not realizing he was no longer beside me. I came to the end of the sidewalk and pushed the pedal backwards like he taught me, applying the brake to stop, and turned my head quickly, causing the strap of my helmet to pinch my neck. He was running toward me with a big grin and pride shining in his eyes, just for me.

  “I did it!” I screeched, jumping up and down, still holding the handlebars in my tight fists.

  “You sure did! I knew you could. I’m so proud of you, JJ.”

  He scooped me up into his arms in his enthusiasm, causing me to tense immediately, before setting me back on my feet. I stared at him with wide eyes, my joy in my accomplishment momentarily forgotten as my fear took hold of me again. He knelt down beside me and slowly reached for me again. His eyes that were so happy a minute ago were sad now as he watched my face for signs of distress. I felt guilty for still being afraid of him, so I stood very still while I waited to see if he would finally hurt me. He never had, but I kept waiting.

  I knew deep down that Terry wasn’t like the bad man. He was one of the good guys. His wife died before Momma and I went on our adventure, leaving him alone with his son, Kevin. Momma said we were all lost souls and needed each other. Terry kept us safe and Momma taught him to smile again.

  He saved Momma when she was dying. I didn’t have to go on our adventure by myself after all, and he gave us a safe home to live in. He didn’t make me sleep in the dark, didn’t put me in the time-out cage, and always came with Momma to chase away the monsters when my nightmares woke me at night. He even looked nicer than the bad man. He was big and strong, but his brown eyes crinkled from laughing all the time, and he always had a special look for my momma that made her smile.

  Even his son wasn’t too bad. He liked to tease and pick on me at times, but he was the one who would get in trouble for it, not me.

  “It’s okay, JJ,” he said slowly, pulling me closer into his strong arms. I let him hug me and stroke my back as my racing heart slowed to a normal beat. I slowly slid my arms around him to return the hug before he cupped my face to look at him again. “Remember, you’re safe now and we’ll never let anyone hurt you again.”

  “It’s because you’re a fireman. You save people,” I said quietly. “I’m sorry I got scared.”

  He smiled sadly before leaning forward to kiss my forehead. My helmet got in the way and he hit the bridge of his nose on the edge, making him wince. I giggled at his expression, causing him to cross his eyes and wiggle his eyebrows, which made me laugh harder. My fear melted away and I felt safe again. I decided in that moment to try harder not to be afraid.

  “Da-” I swallowed nervously and tried again as he watched me in anticipation. My words had gotten better, but sometimes I still stuttered when I was scared or nervous. I hadn’t said that word to him in all the time I’d lived with him, but I wanted to now. “Daddy, c-can you help me again? I wanna show Momma and Kevin what I can do.”

  Age fourteen

  I crossed the stage, accepting my framed certificate from our principal and a yellow carnation from the school secretary, before carefully walking down the stairs into the waiting arms of my parents.

  “This is for you,” I said as I handed the flower to Mom.

  She kissed my cheek, hugging me. “We’re so proud of you, JJ,” she said tearfully. “I love you so much.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Mom, it’s eighth grade; it’s not that big of a deal. Cry when I graduate high school and go away to college,” I said ruefully.

  “It is a big deal, Jayden,” she stressed. “Nothing and no one is standing in the way of your dreams.”

  Calling me by my given name, instead of JJ, let me know how strongly she felt about what she was saying. She hardly ever called me Jayden unless she wanted to get my attention. She told me once that someone else named me and the past was best forgotten. She had wanted to name me after her mother, Julianna who died before I was born, so “JJ” was her way of forgetting the past while remembering her mother.

  I guess her scars from the past went deeper than mine, or I had been too young when we moved, because it was a blank page to me now. My memories consisted only of my life in Colorado with my family.

  She looked me over, taking in my modest green satin dress and low heels. My dark blond hair was pinned up in fancy curls and I fingered the new dangly silver earrings, the first pair I owned that weren’t studs, which she and Dad
gave me before we left the house.

  “You’re growing up into a very beautiful young lady and I’m very proud to be your mother,” she smiled.

  Dad stood beside her quietly, letting Mom and I have our moment, and kissed her tenderly before he opened his arms to me.

  “We’re both so proud of you,” Dad beamed as I hugged him tightly. He kept one arm around me as he turned to Kevin rushing over toward us and bumped fists with him. “Kevin, you had us worried there for a while. We were beginning to wonder if you’d ever make it through the eighth grade. Good job, son.”

  “Here.” Kevin thrust his flower into Mom’s hand, but moved away quickly so she couldn’t hug him or kiss his cheek. “Yeah, yeah, you’re proud, you’re gonna cry, blahblah. So not my scene,” he cringed, rolling his eyes. “I’m riding with Brian to the pool party. All right?”

  “Kevin, why don’t you try that again?” Dad admonished. “This time try using some respect in that tone.”

  I bit the inside of my mouth as I fought not to laugh at Kevin’s public ridicule. Kevin thought he was too cool for hugs now that we would be starting high school.

  He huffed, but his shoulders slumped under Dad’s stern expression. He took the flower from Mom’s hand and placed his free hand over his heart, bowing to her and dramatically handing it to her again.

  “Please accept this carnation as a humble token of my appreciation for everything you’ve done to support me through these troubling times and coming to all my football games. Your unwavering belief and multitude of prayers before every test have not gone unappreciated.” He grabbed her hand and kissed it. Kevin joined theater with me this year on a dare and while he’d never admit it, I think he enjoyed it. He cut his eyes back to our dad. “Okay?”

  Dad shook his head, chuckling at him. “A little over the top, but much better, Kevin. And yes, you can ride with Brian. We’re coming to help chaperone, so we’re bringing JJ and her friends in the

  suburban.”

  “Thank you for the flower, Kevin. We’re very proud of you,” Mom kissed his cheek, still laughing over his antics, and then rubbed away the lipstick left behind with her thumb. “Go on. Go with your friends.”

  Kevin left quickly after Dad nodded his okay, leaving me standing with our parents.

  “Kevin, I want pictures before you take off that tie!” Mom shouted at his fleeting back.

  Age eighteen

  “… so take the lessons you’ve learned and never forget the journey that brought you here as you move on to the next stage of life. Some of us will be going to college near or far away, while others will protect our nation. Just remember, no matter what life brings you, our families and these years we’ve spent learning and growing are the foundations of our strength we can draw from and Springfield will always be our home and our safe place to come back to. Thank you.”

  I smiled my thanks for the polite applause and stepped away from the podium to take my seat again. Kevin leaned forward from the row behind me and squeezed my shoulder in support. I turned and smiled my thanks.

  “Good job, sis. Your mom is probably bawling her eyes out now,” he snorted. “This is going to be worse than eighth grade graduation.”

  “Then I guess I can depend on you to provide the comic relief, as usual,” I smirked.

  “What else?” he winked and sat back in his seat.

  I turned my attention back to the stage to listen to the principal’s speech, but my mind began to drift.

  Kevin was probably right about Mom. Every milestone as far back as I could remember made her cry.

  I think we had the sappiest Mom of all our friends.

  I was heading off to college in just a couple of months. It would be the first time I’d left our small town since we moved here when I was a kid. I was finally going to spread my wings and soar with the eagles. I applied to colleges everywhere, even Hawaii, and had actually been accepted to school in Colorado, Kansas and Texas. Mom and Dad were dead-set against Texas, so I chose Kansas.

  It wasn’t that Springfield was a bad place to live. It was actually very nice. The town was quaint, but you couldn’t get away with anything; not that I ever tried, because your parents found out before you even made it home. I had great parents, an annoying brother, and wonderful friends. I loved my life, but I wanted more.

  I wanted to make a difference in the world.

  “Come on. I’ll race you. The winner gets to decide what we do tomorrow,” Kevin announced.

  Our parents booked a cruise for our summer vacation and Kevin and I were arguing about the activities we could choose from when we docked at the first port. I wanted to shop and he wanted to swim with sharks. His suggestion that we split up and each do our own thing was met with firm opposition from our parents. They insisted we work out a compromise of some sort and make a decision before dinner.

  Kevin and I left them in the dining room talking with another couple from Colorado they’d met during lunch. We were headed to the pool.

  “Why don’t I just push you over the rail and you can swim with the sharks now and I can still go shopping tomorrow,” I suggested, shoving him to the side playfully.

  “Ha! Like your scrawny ass could push me over,” he barked. He kissed each of his biceps, showing off his muscles. “You may as well just give up now.”

  “You’re such a jerk sometimes.” I rolled my eyes at him. “I am not swimming with sharks, Kevin.

  Forget it,” I huffed.

  “Then I suggest you win.” He halted in his tracks and dropped into a starting crouch. “Go!”

  He took off before my brain registered what he was doing and I immediately ran after him. “Hey, you ass! That’s not fair!” I yelled.

  “Too bad!” he yelled back at me, laughing. “Catch me if you can!”

  I rounded the corner of the deck. We were both laughing and throwing insults at each other, enjoying our mismatched race. We both knew even if I had a head start, he would win. Kevin was a running back for the football team and won state in track. I sat in the stand and cheered him on. He would slow down just enough that I would get close, then stretch ahead of me again, laughing at me for being slow. I lengthened my stride as far as I could. I was not swimming with sharks.

  A door swung open into our path, which Kevin easily skirted around without missing a step. Years of playing football made dodging obstacles second nature.

  I wasn’t so lucky, plowing headfirst into the man coming out. He was built like a brick house and only took a half-step back to brace himself. On the other hand, I stumbled backward, falling over my feet trying to right myself.

  “Whoa, where’s the fire?” the stranger chuckled. Strong hands grabbed my waist to keep me from falling, holding me tightly against his firm chest.

  “You’ll never catch me now, JJ,” Kevin shouted, laughing as he got farther ahead.

  “I’m so sorry, Sir,” I gushed, flashing him an apologetic smile. “I didn’t mean to run into you. My idiot brother challenged me to a race and I couldn’t stop in time.”

  His hands tightened around my waist, holding me close and steadying me. I was momentarily frozen as I looked up into the coldest, crystal blue eyes I’d ever seen staring down at me. He was taller than Kevin by at least four inches, with broad shoulders, and a wide solid chest. His long muscular legs were encased in jeans and boots, completely out of place on a cruise where everyone else was dressed in shorts. His wavy light brown hair was streaked through with blond like he spent a lot of time outdoors. He was very handsome except for his cold stare and the severe set of his jaw.

  Staring into his eyes made my chest tighten and my heart race, but it didn’t seem to come from only a sense of attraction. There was more behind my body’s reaction to him, something I knew instinctively I didn’t want to examine too closely.

  He seemed almost reluctant to release me as I steadied myself and attempted to disentangle myself from him. There was a brief flicker of something undefined in his expression before the spell w
as broken by my brother.

  “JJ, come on,” Kevin shouted again. He was already to the end of the deck, waiting impatiently for me to catch up.

  “No harm, no foul,” he said, and then studied me, seemingly searching for something specific.

  His hand slid up my back and I felt his thumb stroke over the old puckered scar on the back of my neck. My breath hitched and, despite the heat, I suddenly felt cold. My eyes darted to the three men standing with him. I knew I was being silly; I couldn’t explain the disquiet that settled over me, but I no longer felt safe.

  “Your name’s JJ? That’s an unusual name for a girl. Did your father want a boy?” he quizzed as he released me, his hands dropping to his sides.

  “No, it’s short for Jayden,” I offered, quietly. My only thought was to end this encounter quickly and I stepped around him. I glared at Kevin bouncing impatiently on the balls of his feet. “Please excuse me,” I mumbled, refusing to meet his gaze again. “My brother’s waiting.”

  I ran away from him, refusing to acknowledge the flicker of fear that brief touch had awakened in me.

  That scar was from a past I didn’t remember and didn’t want to remember. Instinctively I knew my self-imposed amnesia was to protect myself from whatever Mom and I had run away from. She never talked about where we came from and I was too young when we left to remember what happened before the accident.

  As far as she was concerned, our life began on the side of that road when a fireman took us into his home and into his heart.

  My nightmares began that night. I didn’t want to worry my family so I blamed it on the idea of being surrounded by sharks terrifying me. It wasn’t really fair to Kevin, but it would make me sound crazy if I told them a stranger’s simple touch triggered them.

  I saw him several times throughout the remainder of our trip. Like radar, I found him hovering in the shadows, whether I was on the ship or even when we would dock. I knew I was being paranoid, but I would swear he was watching me. I tried unsuccessfully once to point him out to my mom, but he disappeared into the crowd before I could. Telling her and Dad about him made my family anxious, so I never mentioned him again.