The Darkness of Perfection

by Michael Schneider

  I swallowed my frustrated sigh and plastered a smile on my face. If she thought I was angry with her, she’d start crying and then her stutter would get worse. She didn’t stutter as badly when she was happy, so I tried to help her stay out of trouble and keep her that way. I turned and opened my arms for her to climb up in my lap.

  “What’cha got there? Is it something for me?” I said, attempting to summon up some interest while settling her on my lap and giving her a hug. She kissed my cheek in return, blowing a raspberry.

  I tickled her sides, making her squirm and laugh loudly.

  “N-Nicky! Can’t br-breathe!” she laughed, holding the paper tightly against her chest, protecting it from view.

  I stopped so she could catch her breath. “So what did you do today?”I asked.

  “I m-made my name,” she announced proudly, handing me the paper.

  I smiled when I saw the name scrawled, in barely legible print, at the top of her paper: Jayden Harrison. We had ties to a judge who would write up a marriage certificate, making it all official when I became an adult and she was old enough, but she needed to learn it now. It was all part of the things my dad said I had to teach her in order for her to forget the past.

  Below her name was a drawing of what I assumed were my parents off to the side, and us standing on a … dog?

  “Tell me about your picture,” I suggested. I didn’t want to say anything in case I was wrong about the dog. Jayden has been terrified of them since she’d tried to run away shortly after she came here, and was cornered in the barn by two of the Rottweilers we used to guard the property. I really didn’t think she’d put one in her picture.

  “That us,” she said proudly, pointing at the boy and girl. “We’re r-riding your horse and my m-m-momma and d-daddy are watching.”

  I felt a twinge of annoyance that Jayden still missed her mom, even though it had been over seven months since her parents gave her to me. Dad said it would take time for her to forget them and make me the most important person in her life. I knewI was important to her, just not enough to forget her former family.

  Every time she brought up her parents I felt guilty, even though I hadn’t done anything wrong. I wasn’t the one who sold her for money. I took really good care of Jayden, even when it was a pain in the ass, and I’d never give her away. I was going to keep her forever, safe and happy. I would never let anyone take Jayden from me. She depended on me and looked up to me. She made me feel important.

  “Well that’s a really good drawing, and you did a good job on your name, too.” I opened the desk drawer to pull out a fresh sheet of paper and the crayons I kept for her. “Why don’t you draw another picture while I finish my homework? This time drawjust our family, you know, my mom and dad, and William, too. They’re the only ones who care about you like I do,”I reminded her again. Then I pointed to her parents in the drawing. “I’m your family. Those people are strangers. Do you remember what I told you about strangers?”

  “Strangers hurt little girls and do bad things.” She’d spoken so quietly, I’d had to strain to hear her.

  I hated to see the happiness dim in her eyes, but Dad said it would help her let go, so I had to do it every time she brought them up. With enough repetition, I knew eventually she would believe it and forget all about them.

  I pretended not to see her tears. This was all part of the process of forgetting. She had to feel the hurt they caused her so she would quit thinking about them. I shifted my books over so she could continue sitting on my lap while I read my textbook. She stared at her drawing for another minute before slowly tearing it in half and dropping it in the garbage can beside the desk. I kissed the top of her head to let her know I was proud of her actions as she picked up a crayon and began drawing a newpicture.

  I came back to the present and shut down the browser.

  I would never admit it to William, but he was right. The techniques we used on five-year-old Jayden would never work now. She wasn’t the same naïve, innocent little girl. It was very different to bend and mold a child than to manipulate a teenager or an adult. I wasn’t going to be able to erase her past or lie to her about her mother’s feelings. Instead I would have to play on her weaknesses until she gave up hope of any other life.

  Breaking her could be accomplished much more quickly if she was at the facility, but I refused to send her to be trained. The facility was really just a large warehouse in a rundown part of the city. The cops who patrolled the area were on our payroll and protected the facility from anyone stupid enough to poke around. It was near the port, making it easy to move the ‘merchandise’ once it was ready for delivery. What went on from the moment the ‘merchandise’ was brought into the facility until it received the stamp of approval and was sold was not something I would ever allow to happen to Jayden.

  If she had never been stolen from me, Jayden would have grown up having each part of her life molded to perfection. She would have accepted each stage as the natural progression of growing up.

  The very idea of fighting or questioning rules and instruction would have never entered her mind.

  I drummed my fingers on my desk, contemplating my next move like a chess game. However, instead of defeating an opposing king, the ultimate goal was to win the queen. Jayden was beautiful and innocent; a noble queen to win. I had already captured her, and now I just had to convert her so she would willingly stand by my side.

  The shower was still running and I looked at my watch, smiling when I saw the time. I’d let her hide in the bathroom for an hour. I knew she would drag out her shower until I forced her to come out, but that was okay. She needed this time to fully grasp what was happening to her, to dig into the recesses of her mind and pull the memories out of where they’d been locked away. I needed her to remember so I could use those memories. I needed her to plot so that I could show her the hopelessness of escape. I needed her to defeat herself until she folded and placed herself willingly into my care. False hope was a wonderful tool in manipulation.

  When I beat on the bathroom door, I laughed when I heard her strangled cough. I’d caught her off guard, which meant she’d been deep in thought.

  “That’s long enough, Jayden. Get out now,” I called to her.

  I took the clothes from the dresser and set them at the foot of the bed before going to stand at the window and pulling the curtains back, letting the afternoon sun throw its rays across the room.

  Our home sat on over one thousand acres of pastures and woods. Ten acres were set apart and fenced for my parents’ home that my mother had worked diligently over the years to landscape. Most of the year, other than the few months of actual winter, it was a full riot of color.

  The view from my room was one of my favorites. My bedroom was in the back corner of the house and from here I could see the pool and just beyond the fenced yard where there were pastures with cattle. To the left of the fence was a new blacktop drive that cut a path through the grass leading to the house I had built for us. It would be complete within a few weeks, and then Jayden and I would move in. William’s home was built at the far end of the property, away from everyone.

  I turned my head, smiling when I heard the bathroom door opening. Let the games begin.

  I stepped hesitantly into the room, searching at once for Nicholas. I found him standing by the windows with his back to me. He seemed like he was trying to appear relaxed with his hands tucked into the pockets of his dark-washed jeans, but the stiff, squared set of his broad shoulders beneath the white dress shirt belied that image. A leather belt and expensive cowboy boots finished his look. The only thing missing was the black hat he’d worn to dinners on the ship. The curtains were pulled back now and I saw fields and trees beyond the walls. I didn’t see any streets or houses nearby where I could call for help. If this was the same house I was in before, my situation was hopeless.

  There were clothes lying on the bed and I walked quietly over, keeping an eye on him. I picked them up and held them again
st me, then turned to run back into the safety of the bathroom.

  “You will dress in here. I won’t look.”

  I jerked my head to look at him, then swallowed hard and clutched the clothing tighter to my chest.

  “Can-can I please get dressed in the bathroom? I-I’m not comfortable changing with you in the room,” I asked hesitantly. I didn’t know how he would react, but I just couldn’t do this with him watching the whole time.

  He never turned from the window as he answered. “No. I said I won’t look, so you’re going to have to take my word for it. Your food is waiting and getting cold. I won’t send it back to be reheated, so the longer you wait, the colder it will become. Now, you have a choice: Stay wrapped in that towel for the rest of the evening, or get dressed. But you need to decide now. You have five minutes and then I’m going to turn around.”

  I stared at the back of his head, not knowing what to do. He said he wouldn’t turn around, but did he mean it? Not wanting to sit in the towel all night, I decided to take him at his word.

  “Three minutes.”

  I quickly threw the clothes onto the bed and pulled up the silk panties and yoga pants under the towel.

  I quickly glanced over at Nicholas, pulled the towel tighter around me, and slipped on the t-shirt. Then I had to contort myself to get the lace bra on, but I finally managed to do it.

  “Time’s up.” I was just pulling my shirt into place as he turned around and smiled at me, though there was no warmth behind it. “Very good. Put the towel in the hamper and come back in here. I’ll get your food from the hall.”

  He went out to get the food and I took advantage of the moment, running to the French door that led onto a balcony. I grabbed the handle and pulled, shrieking when a large dog suddenly appeared on the other side of the glass, barking and growling at me. A man stepped in front of the door, pulling back on the dog’s leash. He’d been hidden by the wall next to the door. The rifle slung over his shoulder and the gun strapped under his arm told me I wouldn’t be getting past him, even if the door wasn’t locked. It wouldn’t have mattered though; I would never have the guts to try and get past that dog.

  “Were you going somewhere, Jayden?” I turned back to see Nicholas coming back into the room carrying a tray with a bowl and a glass. He ignored me as he set it on the desk and then brought the chair over from beside the bed and sat down. “I believe I told you to put the towel in the hamper. Do it and come eat, or you can go hungry.”

  I reluctantly let go of the door handle and debated what choices I had. There were none, for now at least. My stomach growled, reminding me that between the vomiting and the length of time since I’d last eaten, I really was hungry. If there was ever a chance for me to escape I needed to be healthy, since I might need to run for a while. As I walked slowly over to the food on the desk, Nicholas shook his head and pointed to the bed.

  “Towel first, Jayden, then food. You need to learn to clean up after yourself,” he reprimanded.

  I swallowed and retrieved the towel and put it in the hamper in the bathroom. Then I came back and sat in the chair beside Nicholas. As I reached for the spoon, Nicholas picked it up first, dipped it into the bowl, and held it suspended in front of my mouth.

  “Open,” he ordered.

  I stared at him a moment in confusion, but opened my mouth when I realized he wasn’t kidding. “I can feed myself,” I said. Suddenly another spoonful was there and I opened my mouth involuntarily. “I’m not helpless. I feel much be-“

  Another spoonful was pushed into my mouth, this time causing me to choke, since I wasn’t prepared for it. I coughed and pressed my hand against my chest. Nicholas picked up the glass of sweet tea and held it to my lips, then tipped the glass. I reached up to hold it, only to have him pull it away and set it on the desk, out of reach. He picked up the spoon again and I leaned back in my chair, away from him.

  “Jayden, I will assume by your actions that you’re finished with your meal. If you’re not, then you will open your mouth. You have ten seconds before I remove the tray.”

  I stared at him, stunned. There was no emotion, no inflection whatsoever in his tone of voice. He was stating facts and obviously didn’t care which decision I made. He wasn’t going to force me to eat, but he also wasn’t going to let me feed myself either.

  “So be it,” he said, and put the spoon back on the tray, then stood.

  I grabbed his arm. “No! Please, I’ll eat. I-please, I can feed myself though,” I offered.

  “What are the rules when you’re being punished?” he asked, still standing. His tone was so detached as he stared down at me, waiting for my answer.

  I stared back at him in shock, my jaw hanging open. A chill swept over me and I felt the goose bumps rise on my arms. “But I haven’t done anything wrong. I-I just got here.” My voice cracked at the end.

  I didn’t want to be here where I didn’t know what to expect. I wanted to go home. As the knot of emotion formed in my chest and I began to cry, I wiped hastily at my eyes. I hated that he could make me cry so easily.

  “And why is that?” he asked.

  I was confused. “Why is what? I don’t understand.”

  “Why did you just get here? Why haven’t you been here for the last twelve years?” he asked, his cold voice now laced with anger, and it scared me even more. When I hesitated, he yelled, “Why, Jayden?

  Why haven’t you been here?!”

  I cringed back in the chair, not knowing if he would turn physical. The Nicky I knew before would never hit me in anger. He’d only spanked me when his father demanded. But that was a long time ago and this was an entirely different Nicholas.

  “I left,” I whispered. Fear filled my mind and took over my body. I could feel the tremors in my fingers and laced them together in my lap, staring down at them.

  “That’s right, and what is the punishment for running away, Jayden?” he demanded.

  I squeezed my eyes shut as tears tracked endlessly down my face. I remembered the small, dark place in my nightmares. I couldn’t take that again. I was claustrophobic, and small spaces caused me to have panic attacks. When I was a kid, I always offered to be “It” when playing hide-andseek. I was never

  able to hide in closets or small places without becoming a screaming lunatic. If he did that to me now, I would lose my mind.

  “Please, Nicholas. I can’t,” I cried. “You can’t put me in” I couldn’t even say the word. I choked on the lump of fear lodged firmly in my throat. “Anything but that. I-I can’t handle small spaces. I-I’m claustrophobic.” I looked up at him, begging. I’d get down on my knees if that’s what it took.

  “Please.”

  I stared down at her, seeing the tears running unchecked down her cheeks. She was trembling so hard I fully expected her teeth to start chattering next. Her eyes were filled with so much fear. I swallowed involuntarily when the guilt pricked my conscience. It was important that she remember. It was necessary to break her, to remind her of those consequences, so I could use them to control her.

  So why did seeing that fear make me feel guilty? I refused to answer that question. I thought about the cage sitting in my closet and brushed away the guilt, returning my focus to my purpose. That I was the one putting that fear in her eyes was another thing I could blame on her mother. Twelve years ago, Jayden had been settling into this life with me. She’d stopped trying to run away and had finally even stopped talking about her mother. I convinced my father to invite them to dinner that night to prove that they meant nothing to Jayden any longer and that she belonged to me completely. It was a test that she passed with flying colors. She’d clung to my side all afternoon, refusing to talk to the strangers invited to dinner. Then everything had gone to hell.

  Now I had to reestablish my hold on Jayden, and I would use whatever means necessary to break her.

  I returned my focus on my purpose. I was still undecided on how long I would make her stay in the cage; when she was five her punishments ra
nged from just a few days for small infractions up to a month when she tried to run away. She had to appreciate the threat and believe I would lock her in that cage if she ran and was caught.

  “And what were you attempting just now when I came into the room?” I asked.

  Her head dropped again as she hid her eyes from me, but I wouldn’t allow it. I reached out, ignoring her involuntary flinch, and lifted her chin. “Look at me when I ask you a question. Now answer me,” I demanded.

  Her eyes darted to the glass door before looking at me again. “I-I was trying to leave,” she whispered.

  “I-I’m sorry. Please, I just don’t understand why I’m here.”

  “And what are the rules about food when you’re being punished?” I wouldn’t relent on this point. This rule wouldn’t hurt her in any way, but was merely a method of controlling her. She needed to learn that I was in charge of every aspect of her life now, and she’d have nothing except by my whim.

  She swallowed, still holding my gaze. “Only by your hand,” she answered softly.

  I let go of her chin and sat back down as she once again dropped her gaze to her clenched hands. I picked up the glass and held it to her lips, watching closely as she drank. Then I dipped the spoon back into the cooled vegetable soup and held it up for her. She wiped her face with the back of her hand, took a deep breath, and opened her mouth.

  She meekly ate each bite of food and swallowed each sip of tea I gave her until she leaned back and looked at me. “I can’t eat any more,” she stated quietly.

  I pushed back from the desk and gestured to the tray. “You can take it to the hall and leave it on the table. Someone will take it back to the kitchen.”