“You’ve got a right to be angry with me, but don’t blame God. He didn’t take Adam. Those terrorists did. I’ve wished a thousand times a day that the explosion would have taken me and left him with you. Can I come in?” His eyes were as swollen as hers.
“No. Go away. I don’t want to look at you—not yet.” She turned her back to him and drew the curtains back to stare out at the ugly gray sky spitting snowflakes.
His voice was soft and each word came filled with pain. “I will, but you need to hear the rest of the story. When I got that first concussion, I thought I was married to you that time, too. The psychiatrist said that it was transference issues. In my mind, I’d killed Adam and thought that I had to take care of you to atone for it. I kept begging for the doctors to go get you to come to the hospital. That’s what broke me and my fiancée up.”
She stared out the window, refusing to look at him. “Why did you move to Happy? You had to have known this was where Adam was from.”
“We used to tease him. Living in Happy. Being so happy with you. It was like a fairy tale. I had no idea that you’d moved back here or that you’d live on the ranch next door. Addy talked about Hope Dalley, and I didn’t even know that was your grandmother. I told her about Adam, but I always called him Happy, not Adam. I had no idea what your maiden name was, Kasey. I only knew you as the gorgeous redhead in the pictures that Adam showed anyone,” he said. “And somewhere in the back of my mind during two different times, you belonged to me.”
The snow came down harder and had begun to stick on the bare tree limbs. “And when your mind is clear?”
“The first time, I felt guilty for even thinkin’ such things. Now that you’re more than a pretty face in a wallet-size picture, I like you, Kasey. I like everything about you—you’re a fine mother, a wonderful person, and I like your sass and determination. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you all this earlier, but I didn’t want to burst this bubble we’ve been living in. I know you’ll probably want to leave now, and I damn sure can’t blame you. But I want you to know that this has been the best two weeks of my entire life. So thank you for giving me the best Christmas present I could ever get.”
Adam’s words as he walked out the door to go on that last mission echoed in her mind. Don’t worry, darlin’. I’ve got the best team in the whole world. I trust them with my life.
Guilt, grief, shock, and every other emotion rolled up into one tight ball and lay in her heart like a stone. She shut her eyes. “I just needed some time to process this whole thing.”
“I’ll be in my room. It will hurt me too much to see you leave and I don’t know that I’ll ever get over the guilt of all this,” he said.
She heard his door shut on the first floor. When she opened her eyes all she could see was big, beautiful snowflakes falling silently and the silhouette of the barn out there in the distance.
Suddenly the walls felt as if they were closing in around her, stealing all the oxygen out of the air and creating a vacuum where she couldn’t breathe. With a soul so overwhelmed with emotions, she hurried down the steps, grabbed her coat, and slammed the kitchen door behind her. She was on her way to her van when she realized that her mother had taken the van. She didn’t have a vehicle so she ducked her head and followed the path to the barn.
“Why didn’t he tell me? Why did Adam have to die? Why do I have to be in love again?” She demanded over and over again even after she’d slipped inside and could hear the new little lamb in one of the stalls.
Inside the barn was just as frigid, but at least she was out of the driving wind and stinging snow. She remembered that the tack room had a small space heater to keep the pipes from freezing, so she went in there and plopped down on the futon. But it still didn’t do much to warm her cold insides.
Her phone pinged in her hip pocket, but she didn’t want to talk to anyone. Then again, what if one of her kids had fallen and broken an arm or needed stitches?
She checked the text message to find that it was from Lila:
We need to talk.
Oh, no! What if Granny had a heart attack?
She quickly hit the number and Lila picked up on the first ring. “Did you hear that Rosalie Varner died?” Lila said without even saying hello. “And she left instructions that there’s to be no funeral or memorial or anything else. She’s given her body to science. Granny is angry as hell because she says that…”
Death. Those men coming to her door. Driving for hours and hours in cold weather and crying the whole way from Lawton, Oklahoma, to Happy with two little kids in the backseat.
Funeral. Sitting there in front of a closed casket knowing that the baby she was carrying would never know Adam.
Burial. Watching them lower the casket into the ground, taking her heart with it.
Kasey sobbed.
“Oh my. I didn’t know you were close to Rosalie. I’m so sorry I just blurted it out,” Lila said.
“It’s not Rosalie.” Kasey blurted out the whole story of what had happened between sobs.
“Oh, Kasey, I’ll be right over.”
“No, you stay with Granny. I’ve got to get through this on my own, but thanks for listening. And don’t tell anyone, please. I need some space and you know my brothers. They’ll be ready to rush over here on their white horses to rescue me,” Kasey said.
“You got it. Call me later?” Lila said.
“I promise,” Kasey said in a hauntingly calm voice. There were no more tears and only a big empty hole where her heart had been. She tossed the phone on an end table and curled up in a ball on the futon.
* * *
Nash paced the floor in his bedroom until he heard the door slam and then he went upstairs, backed up to the wall outside her empty bedroom, and slid down to the floor. He caught a faint whiff of her perfume, probably left behind when she ran out of the house. One of Silas’s stuffed animals was lying on the floor not three feet from him. He picked up the little brown horse and hugged it to his body. Emma’s door was open and he could see her dolls all lined up across her bed. Lord, he was going to miss the kids, but nothing could compare to the big empty space that Kasey had left behind.
He’d expected her to be angry, and she had every right to be. But he never thought that the guilt and retelling of what had happened would rip his heart out of his chest again and leave nothing but a shell behind. To see that disappointment in her eyes killed him.
Standing up, he made his way to the foyer and shoved his heavy arms into a jacket. He didn’t know where he was going but Kasey damn sure didn’t need to ever look at his face again. He’d drive until he was too tired to go another mile and then he’d stop and—he stared out the kitchen window without seeing anything. Her van was gone and even though her mother’s truck was there, he hadn’t seen Valerie hand over the keys to it. That meant she was out there walking somewhere with the north wind whistling through the trees and something akin to a blizzard right in the middle of it. He ran out the back door and yelled her name, but like a boomerang the fierce wind brought it back to his ears.
He hunched his shoulders against the snow, which stung his face, and started toward the springs. She said that she went there to think, but then he noticed that the barn doors were closed even though he’d left them ajar earlier that day. So he jogged back that way.
Easing open the door of the tack room, he saw her on the futon, curled up and staring straight ahead without focusing on anything. She was safe and she’d made it plain how she felt. He’d just leave now and stay in a hotel in Tulia until she got her things out of the house. That would make it easier for her.
“Nash,” she whispered.
“I’m leaving. You…”
“Please come here.”
Even if she shot him through the heart with a bullet, he couldn’t refuse her. He walked over to the futon and she tilted her head up to look into his eyes.
“Closure hurts like hell. Help me heal,” she said.
He held out a hand, and she pu
t hers into it. It was the biggest blessing that God had ever granted to him. “Only if you’ll help me do the same.”
She nodded and he pulled her up. Her eyes never left his and instead of pulling her hand free, she tucked her other one into his, also. “I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to apologize for, darlin’. I’m the one who does. I should have told you earlier, but I was so happy. I finally felt like I’d found myself again.” He pulled a hand away and traced the tearstains on her cheeks. “I will never break your heart again, I promise.”
* * *
Kasey rolled up on her toes and moistened her lips just in time for his to meet hers in a kiss so full of hunger and passion that it was like balm for the ache in her heart.
Keeping his lips on hers, he gently removed her coat, tossed it toward the work bench, and then in one swift motion, she was in his arms and they were on the futon in each other’s arms. With fingers tangled in his thick dark hair, she snuggled in even closer to his chest and hoped that the kisses never ended.
His hands found their way under her sweatshirt and massaged her back from the neck to the waistband of her jeans. There was no way she could say a word—to tell him to stop or to take off the damned shirt—not without breaking up his delicious kiss.
“I want you,” she said simply.
“Kasey, we don’t have to…” he started.
“Yes, we do, Nash. Oh, yes we definitely do.” She tugged at his hand when she stood up.
He followed her lead and in one swift movement the futon became a bed. Her hands went to his shirt, where she slowly undid each button, taking her time to run her fingers through that soft dark hair on his chest. They had all day and she was going to savor every single moment. While she pulled the shirt free, he eased hers up over her head and carefully unfastened her bra.
Slipping the straps down, his eyes never left hers. She undid his belt buckle and he unfastened the top of her jeans. “Nash, I think you should know it’s been more than two years, and I was never with anyone but Adam.”
“You deserve so much. Let me take care of you. ” He gently laid her on the futon, finished stripping out of his clothes, and then carefully removed what was left of hers. Then he stretched out beside her and pulled a throw from the back to cover them.
“Our own cocoon,” she whispered.
He mumbled something that she couldn’t understand. Suddenly he was turned around in the bed and working his way from the arches of her feet all the way up her thigh with strings of kisses. When he reached her lips and gently bit the bottom one, she rolled him over and stretched out on top of him.
“You’re so special, Kasey.” He pushed her hair back with his hands and cupped her cheeks, staring into her eyes with such unbridled passion that it took her breath away. “I’ve waited my whole life for this moment, to meet my soul mate.”
“You are definitely a romantic,” she said.
“Never have been before, but…” He brought her face to his and covered it with kisses. “But, Kasey, I’m speechless at this moment. Let’s just lie here like this all day.”
“I’ve got something else in mind.” She smiled and reached between their bodies to circle his erection with her hand. “Oh, my!”
“If you want this to last longer than a millisecond, you might want to…” he started.
With one deft movement she guided him into her and sat up, bracing her hands on his chest and began a slow rhythm. “First time might be a sprint. Second can be a marathon.”
“And the third?” He rolled her over and they rocked together.
“The third, darlin’,” she panted, “is going to last…oh, my god…until…sweet Jesus, Nash…”
“Until?”
“All day long,” she squealed.
He brought her to the edge of the climax and then slowed down the rhythm. She felt like she’d been dancing a fast swing dance that left her breathless and then the music changed to a slow country waltz. If this was what happened after a two-year gap, then sweet lord, the next round wouldn’t be over until midnight.
“Like that?” His warm breath caressed her ear as he put everything into second gear. “Or this better?” He slowed down again.
“All of it,” she answered.
“This.” He gently traced her jawline with his forefinger, sending her hormones into a frenzy. “Or this?” His lips latched onto the part of her neck right under her ear.
“Both,” she panted.
“Protection?” He groaned.
“I’m on the pill,” she told him.
“Thank god.” Suddenly he kicked it into fifth gear and she wrapped her legs around his body and hung on for a ride that took her to heights that she’d never climbed before. She left the world behind and took a swan dive from the top of the highest climax she’d ever experienced.
“That…”—she gasped—“was…”
“Intense.” He rolled to the side and cradled her in his arms.
“I can’t breathe.”
“Are we alive?” he managed between dragging air into his lungs.
She propped up on an elbow and brushed a strand of his dark hair away from his eyes. “Nash, tell me this isn’t wrong. That it’s okay to heal, that we aren’t…”
He wrapped both arms around her and quieted her with a sweet kiss. “I don’t know, Kasey. All I know is that it feels damn right.”
Chapter Sixteen
Kasey was in church, for God’s sake. She should be paying attention to the sermon, not replaying every single scene of the day before in her mind. She looked down at the place where her wedding ring had been that morning. There was still an indention and probably would be for a long time, but she felt no guilt about removing it. The time had come, and although she would always love Adam, her heart wasn’t closed off to another relationship.
It might not be with Nash, but she’d always be grateful to him for telling her the truth about Adam and for helping her to face the future. She glanced across the top of Rustin’s head and caught Nash’s gaze. For a long time they both talked without words, remembering the day before.
They’d spent the whole day in his bedroom. It should have been downright weird and awkward talking about Adam while they were both tangled up in a chenille bedspread after that first bout of sex, but it wasn’t. When the conversation had gone to other things, like ranchin’ and goals and dreams, she opened up to him more than she had to anyone in her whole life.
Her thoughts in church were interrupted when Rustin tapped her on the leg and whispered, “Can I go to the bathroom?”
“Go that way.” She pointed toward the end of the pew toward the wall and not the center aisle. “And come back the same way.”
Nash drew his legs to the side to let him pass and his knees brushed against Kasey’s. Even though the denim of his jeans and her blue-and-green plaid skirt, the heat shot through her veins like she was hooked up to an IV of pure old Kentucky bourbon. He quickly moved his knees away, but it took a long time for her body to cool down.
Rustin returned with wet spots on the butt of his jeans where he’d dried his hands on them, and after what seemed like hours and hours, the thirty-minute sermon ended.
“Before Paul McKay gives the benediction, I’d like to remind everyone that the school Christmas program is tomorrow night at six thirty. It’s going to be cold, but these kids all need our support, so bundle up and go to the auditorium for a couple of hours of entertainment. I understand there will be refreshments in the cafeteria following the program. And now Paul will pray for us.”
The moment after the final amen, Rustin hopped up and eased past Kasey to get to the center aisle with his grandfather. Even seeing her son with Adam’s parents didn’t send Kasey on a guilt trip like she thought it might have. Nash closed the space where Rustin had been sitting and crooked his little finger around hers.
“Let’s go to the café for lunch today,” he suggested.
“Can’t.” She shook her head. “Mama told me
right before services began that we are all going to Gracie and Paul’s place today.”
Nash dropped her finger and shook his head. “Not me.”
“You need to talk to them, Nash. You don’t have to tell any of the classified stuff, but it will help them to know how their son died and that you were there with him,” she said. “Just that much, nothing about that first concussion or the little boy getting killed. But talk to them about Adam. Tell them his nickname. By the way, what did the team call you?”
“Bayou,” he answered. “I don’t know if I can do this, Kasey.”
“It would sure bring peace to your heart and closure to theirs,” she said.
“You sound like my therapist,” he said.
“Smart woman, ain’t she?” Kasey grinned up at him.
“I’ll go, but if they start pullin’ out pistols, I’m gettin’ the hell out of Dodge.”
She looped her arm into his. “And I’ll be right ahead of you, so don’t run over me.”
* * *
The tension in the McKay house was so thick that a wild, longhorn bull couldn’t have penetrated it when Kasey and Nash came inside behind the three kids. Gracie shot a look toward Valerie, and Nash wouldn’t have been surprised to see her reach in a cabinet drawer and pull out a sawed-off shotgun.
“Mr. and Mrs. McKay, could I please have a little visit with you privately, and then I’ll leave. It’s plain you don’t want me here, and I sure don’t want to spoil your time with your grandkids and friends,” Nash said.
He’d called his mother, Naomi, that morning and she’d agreed with Kasey. He had to be up-front and honest, as far as possible, with the McKays. Telling them would help bring closure to them but it would also help him.
“Grandkids and family,” Gracie sniffed.
“Whatever you’ve got to say, I expect you can say it in front of these good folks, so pull up a chair and start talkin’,” Paul said.
“It’s a little personal, so I’d rather tell my story just to y’all,” Nash said.
“We’ve shared pretty much everything since our son married into the Dawson family. So speak or just go on home, like you said you would,” Gracie said coldly.
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