by Ashley Blake
Katie was done telling her story and we were getting ready to wrap up dinner when she made a point to acknowledge me.
“We didn’t ask Emma how her semester is going. Dad, don’t you want to know how she’s doing also?” Katie knew that I felt that my dad ignored me sometimes, and it was sweet of her to encourage him to show interest in what I was doing.
“Oh we already know that Emma is doing well, she always does, don’t you sweetheart?” My dad looked at me and winked and barely waited for my answer before he asked my mom what we were having for dessert.
I was going to let it slide but I decided to speak up this time. “Actually I do have some news to share. Jordan and I broke up last week.” I looked over at my mom who tried to appear surprised but I could tell that she already knew. My dad shot me a look of disappointment and that surprised me. Suddenly he was very interested in what I was saying.
“What happened Emma?” What should have sounded like parental concern, sounded more like an accusation coming from my dad.
I was a little taken aback by his harsh tone but I answered him anyway. “We just want different things and I didn’t think we had what it takes to make it long term. Besides, I am moving to Chicago and I would hardly ever see Jordan and that would not be fair to him.”
My dad narrowed his eyes as he looked me up and down, well, what he could see of me sitting at the table. He had never done that and I felt extremely uncomfortable because I could tell that he was very upset. Why is he so interested in my life all of a sudden, and why is he so angry?
“Emma, it was your idea to break up with him? Do you have any idea what you have just thrown away? What I am going to say may sound harsh but I’m telling you this because I love you and I want this to help you. Honey, you don’t have a lot of guys coming around for you like your sisters do, and you never did. Maybe if you took care of yourself a little bit better and exercised, things would be different for you. Jordan comes from a fine family and he is a wonderful young man who I think was probably the best that you’re going to be able to do. Think about it, do you really think that you are going to meet someone like him again?”
If it had been possible for my jaw to literally hit the floor then it would have because I was totally flabbergasted. I could not believe that my father had just said these things to me. I looked across the table at my sister who sat there stunned and my mother who sat there oblivious to what it just happened. My mother always backed him up, no matter what he did so I couldn’t really expect her to do very much. But still, it hurt and it hurt really badly. I felt tears welling up in my eyes and excused myself from the table so that I would not break down in front of them. I heard my sister yell at him as I walked away.
“Daddy! Why did you just say that to her? If she broke up with Jordan then there’s a really good reason for it! Don’t you think that Emma knows what is best for her? I can’t believe you would say those hurtful things to her!”
I went back to the dinner table because I wanted to stand up for myself for once. My father made little comments like that all my life and I always just took it, but not this time. This time I was going to speak up and I was sure both he and my mother were going to be shocked.
My mother looked at me and I could tell that she felt bad because she could see that I was hurt. “Emma darling, your father didn’t mean any harm by what he said, he was just trying to point out that Jordan is a wonderful young man and you should be sure that you are not throwing away your future.”
She smiled at me and I could see the sincerity in her eyes. My mom was sweet but could be so oblivious at times. I looked at my dad and did my best to hold my tears at bay as I told him how I felt.
“Dad, you have no idea what it is like for me to be a part of this family. I love you guys but I walk around feeling like the ugly duckling, and your words…your words…do you have any idea how that made me feel? You really hurt me. Is that what you wanted, to hurt your daughter?! Jordan is not the great guy you think he is, Jordan is on the political track and I just happened to fit nicely into his plan. He didn’t care about me as a person, he cared about how I helped his image. I am moving to Chicago at the end of the summer and I hope that you will be happy for me, if you love me, you will be happy for me.”
My dad just sat there and didn’t say anything and, at that point, that was fine with me. I was tired of his constant belittling and my mother’s continued, although unintentional, support of his behavior. She never stood up to him and she always made excuses for him and it was almost time for me to get away from them and live my own life. No more doing what other people thought was best for me. I loved my parents but I didn’t want to be around them anymore. A huge chapter of my life was closing and I was ready for whatever came next.
I excused myself from the table and I went to my room, lay down on my bed and daydreamed about the day I was going to move out. I just had to make it through the summer and then I would be off, moving to the city to start my new life. I must have been lying there with a goofy grin on my face because Katie asked me what was so funny.
“Oh, I didn’t see you standing in the doorway.” I sat up and told her she could come in.
Katie sat on my bed next to me and put her hand on my knee. “Don’t let dad get to you Emma. He’s very old-fashioned and he doesn’t realize how hurtful his words can be. I really don’t think he meant those nasty things he said to you.”
I smiled at my sister. “He meant them Katie. He probably didn’t intend to hurt me, but he meant them and he’s right. Guys don’t come around like they do you for you or even Christine and Brielle, they never have and I accept that. But I don’t have to like it. Anyway, I’m fine, don’t worry about me. Dad has been doing this to me all of my life and I’m used to it. I’m jut happy that I won’t have to put up with it much longer.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?” She looked worried. My relationship with Katie was funny because even though she was younger than me, she sometimes treated me like I was the younger sister the way she always worried about my happiness.
“I’m fine, really. Now go pack because we have to head back to school kind of early tomorrow, I have a group project I have to work on and we’re meeting at the library at 1:00.”
Katie went to her room and I finished packing my things and climbed into bed. Tomorrow would come and the scene at breakfast would be as if nothing had happened the night before. I was used to it, I was sick of it, and I was eager to get out of that house and get back to some sense of normalcy at school. Graduation was in one week and I could not wait to have college life behind me.
***
As I walked across the stage to receive my diploma, some of Jordan's words and my father’s words came flooding back to me as I realized so many eyes were watching me. Were they also criticizing my weight and my looks? As the Dean handed me my diploma, I had a moment of clarity and decided that it was time to make a change. I was moving to Chicago at the end of the summer, right after my 22nd birthday, and I wanted to arrive as a brand new Emma.
CHAPTER TWO
I worked really hard on transforming my body that summer by working out religiously with Katie who was a workout fiend, cutting out sugar, and eating really healthy foods and snacks. It was so hard to give up the good snacks like potato chips and Snickers bars, but I had a goal that I wanted to reach, so that helped me do it. As the pounds melted off of me and my clothes became baggy, I realized that I needed a new wardrobe. I wasn’t a size two, or anywhere near that, but I was healthy. I still wasn’t a skinny minnie like my sisters, but I was happier with my weight. I had extra curves but I liked them. I didn't go crazy and charge everything in the store but I did buy a few key pieces and, at my sister's suggestion, a few trendy tops.
I was in my room trying on my new clothes in front of the mirror when my sisters came in.
Brielle and Christine squealed when they saw me in my new clothes. “You look so pretty!” I loved when they talked in unison or finished each oth
er’s sentences, it was such a cool twin thing.
"Emma, I cannot get over how amazing you look.” Katie walked over to me, stood next to me looking at my reflection in the mirror, and then her eyes settled upon my hair. She grabbed a handful of it and shook it at me. "What are you going to do about this?”
“Yeah, you really should change you hair.” Christine and Brielle stood behind me analyzing me in the mirror.
"What do you mean?" I turned to look at all of them with a puzzled look on my face. I thought my hair was just fine.
"I mean I think you should change your hair to go along with your new changed body. And while you're at it, you need to get rid of these." She pulled my glasses off my face and handed them to me. "Emma, it's time you thought about contact lenses."
I had considered getting contact lenses briefly a couple of years ago but it was just so much easier to grab my glasses when I needed them. As far as my hair, I never really took a lot of time with it and I certainly had never considered changing it in any way. Katie was such a glam girl and I knew she was having a lot of fun with my transformation, but I didn't want to take it too far. I still wanted to feel like me.
"Katie, you're probably right about the contact lenses, I'll make an appointment with Dr. Miller tomorrow. But my hair, I don't know. What do you guys think I should do to it?" My hair was a mousy brown with zero personality, but at least it was long and thick.
"I think you should dye your hair a dark blonde and then add in lighter blonde highlights. That will look so pretty with your green eyes.” I could see the excitement in Katie’s eyes as she looked at me as if I was her new project.
"Dye my hair? Are you nuts?"
I made a silly face at her and Katie giggled as she tried to reassure me about my hair.
"Emma, it will look gorgeous, trust me. I'll make an appointment with Paul for you, he's fabulous."
“Yeah Emma, that will look so pretty.” The twins spoke in unison again.
Paul had been Katie's hairstylist for years and her hair color looked natural even though it was totally from a bottle. I agreed to go see him because I really did want to go to Chicago feeling like a brand new me. Kelly was the only person who knew me there, and this really was my chance to reinvent myself and be the person I had always wanted to be, the person that was dying to get out of me.
"Okay, okay, I'll go but if I hate it, it’s all your fault."
They all jumped up and down squealing and clapping their hands like five-year-olds. "Emma, I am so excited for you, you’re going to look so gorgeous!” Katie beamed at me and gave me a big hug.
She ran off to go make the appointment and I couldn't help but chuckle to myself at her excitement for me. We were only two years apart and we had always been very close and supportive of each other and never really had any sort of real sibling rivalry. Oh, we would have mini spats every now and then, but we’d never had a huge fight.
I loved my sisters to death and the feeling was mutual, but I was closest to Katie. It was going to be especially hard to leave her when I moved to Chicago but I made her promise that she would come visit me. She was going into her junior year at the same college I just graduated from so I probably wouldn't see her again until I came home at Thanksgiving, but she was already planning to come visit me during her spring break. I didn't know yet if our spring breaks would coincide, but I figured we would figure it out as we went along. The twins wanted to come visit me also, of course, and I told them that it would probably be easiest if they visited me during their summer break.
The next day, I made an appointment with Dr. Miller, my eye doctor, who was able to get me in that afternoon at one o'clock. It was perfect because my hair appointment was at 2:30 PM and the salon was not far from his office. It felt really strange to be wearing contacts when I had worn glasses all my life. I settled into the chair at the salon and told Paul that he could do whatever he wanted with my hair. I don't know that I had ever seen such a look of excitement in someone's eyes in my entire life. I assumed that he was so happy because hairstylists are never really given free reign to do what they want with a client’s hair. I was at the salon for nearly 2 hours when Paul was ready to reveal his work. He stood beaming at me, clearly proud of the work he had done and I was happy that he looked so pleased because I was nervous as could be.
One thing that he'd thrown in for free was a makeup session with their makeup artist. I assumed he did this because Katie told him that I wanted a new look and I would be open to whatever he wanted to do that day. When he turned my chair around so that I could look at myself in the mirror, I couldn't believe that the person looking back at me was me. I actually looked pretty. My makeup was perfect, and my hair had literally transformed my face. The blonde highlights really brought out my green eyes, which I never realized were so bright green. As it turned my tear filled eyes to Paul, I stood up to give him a big hug.
"I love it, I just love it. Thank you so much Paul, I don't know how I can ever thank you, I feel like a totally new person."
"You look stunning Emma. I knew this diva was hiding inside of you waiting to be free! I hope you make a big splash when you move to Chicago. Don’t forget us!"
As I left the salon I could tell that I was walking with a new found confidence as I held my head a little bit higher, my back straighter, and noticed approving glances from men I passed on the street. For the first time in my life I felt beautiful. Katie, Christine and Brielle came running to the door when they heard me come in.
"Oh my gosh, you are gorgeous! Emma, you look so pretty, I knew this was what you would look like if you spruced yourself up a little bit! You should never wear glasses again, your eyes are simply popping out of your head. If Jordan could see you now, boy would he eat his words."
"Katie thank you so much for encouraging me to do this, I feel so pretty. I really wish you were coming to Chicago with me, we would have so much fun."
"Well maybe in a couple of years after I graduate, I will move there also. And then we can take that city by storm! Chicago is going to be the start of an awesome chapter in your life Emma, I can just feel it."
My mom was pretty excited to see my new look and she told me how beautiful I looked. My dad was a little bit more reserved and he just looked at me and gave me a weak smile. “You look nice honey.” That’s all he said to me. Oh well, I’m not going to dwell on that, maybe one day he’ll appreciate me. I always did that, I always pushed my dad’s lack of affection and interest out of my head and imagined that one day he would change. I had to keep telling myself that because it was what I held on to whenever I doubted that he loved me. So I stuffed my hurt feelings way down deep and I went on about my way.
The following week, I was off to Chicago to live with my best friend. It was time to shut the door to my past and open the door to my future.
CHAPTER THREE
Portfolio School was set to begin soon, I had been in Chicago for a week and the last of my things had arrived earlier that day. I wanted to finish unpacking so that I could feel settled. Kelly found us a really cool, affordable timber loft in the West Loop and I loved it! The wooden beams and exposed brick were exactly what I had been dreaming of.
“Just how many clothes do you have, girly?” Kelly feigned shock at all of my boxes that were strewn around the apartment. I was almost done unpacking but empty boxes were everywhere so it looked like I had more than I actually did.
“Not half as many as you missy! I am so happy we wear the same size because I just tripled my wardrobe with your clothes!”
Kelly laughed as she threw a t-shirt at me. “You know you can borrow anything you want. But triple your wardrobe? I don’t have that many clothes!”
One of Kelly’s friends was having an end of the summer party that night and I wanted to be completely done unpacking before we left.
“This is going to be a casual party, right?”
“Yeah, totally chill and laid back. It’s an art crowd so you’ll find that everyone is pretty
cool and easy to talk to. It’s probably similar to the kind of people you’ll meet in advertising. Creative types tend to stick together.”
“I’m just excited to meet new people who live in a big city.”
“I really do think you’re going to love Chicago, Emma. It’s so different from New Holstein, it’s a completely different world. I know I keep saying it, but I still can't believe how different you look. I always knew you had this hottie inside of you waiting to get out. You look so gorgeous and I am sure you're going to have guys falling all over you left and right.”
"You know what, I'm not even interested in meeting anyone right now. After being in a relationship for almost two years with someone who turned out to be the biggest jerk of all, I just want to take some time for myself. I want to focus on school this year and not get involved in any messy relationships. I'm calling this the year of me and that is where my focus will be."
Kelly gave me a knowing smirk and didn't say anything as emptied the dishwasher. But I knew her, and I knew that smirk, and I could tell that she was holding back what she really wanted to say.
I giggled at her silly antics. "Oh just come out with it Kelly, before you pass out from holding your breath."
“I just think that as soon as guys get a look at you, you are going to have to beat them off with a stick and you won’t be able to say no! As soon as you meet a cool, nice guy I bet your attitude about all of this will change. Mark my words, you heard it here first!”
I threw a t-shirt at her and she threw it right back at me and we erupted into a mini clothes fight. We were goofing off for a while and laughing and giggling so hard that we didn’t realize how late it was.
“Oh! We better get ready for the party! We both still have to shower and with your new gorgeous hair Emma, it seems it takes you twice as long to get ready now. Did you decide on those jeans you showed me and that cute shirt?”
