Table of Contents
Title Page
Acknowledgements
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Chapter 46
AFTERWORD
Copyright Page
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
I owe so many thanks to countless souls … The Divine for bestowing me with a gift that I’ve often felt unworthy of. I now see that my sometimes turbulent existence was in preparation for something greater, fodder for my writing, for the countless stories I have to tell.
To my daughter, for being the vital water and sunlight that this seed needed to flourish. Vasialys, you are the most profound and exquisitely painful love I’ve ever experienced. You bring joy to my every day. You are my greatest Muse. Everything I do is for you and because of you darling. Mommy loves you to pieces.
To my Mom and second Mom Millie for instilling in me a thirst for knowledge and a solid belief in my abilities. You’ve both made me strive for more, never deeming any endeavor impossible or unreachable. Millie, your loss has left a hole in my world that will remain for an eternity. Still, I hear your voice in my dreams coaxing me along, never letting me give up. Thank you both for making me a better woman.
To my brother: You’ve always protected me and made me feel like there is nothing I can not accomplish. Thank you for your faith. Remember, no matter what happens you are forever my Superman.
To my sister for being the person I always sought to emulate. You made me work harder. It was you that made me realize my love for the written word. Thanks for being you.
To my all my family for supporting me and loving me. Titi, your strength and perseverance is admirable. Marielle, you are a young woman with so much energy and promise. Your inner beauty is astounding. Without my family, where would I be?
Tamiko, my best friend, sister from another mother, Godmother to my daughter. Jigga, you are my other half. I love you to death ma! Let’s keep doing our thing! Pursuing our dream like a fiend convulses for his next hit. Always more, more, more, higher, higher, and higher!
To my boys at Augustus Publishing, Jay Clay and Ant; Jay, you always believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. Gracias sunshine for keeping me on my toes! You will always be special to me. Ant, for continually reminding me of my gift and my need to share it with the world, although at times I didn’t always agree with your methods, your belief in me is moving! Thank you both for helping me bring my dream to fruition. Time to blow up the literary world! Let’s do this!
To all those who’ve crossed my path and helped shape the characters in this story and those to come, friends and foes alike, good lookin’ out! And to the world, follow your heart’s longing and the cosmos will pave the way for you. Believe it, manifest it! Hunt it, stalk it like a tiger does its prey! Then sink your teeth into it and let it nourish your soul. Blessed be!
1
I twirled the curl at the end of my braid as I stared blankly at the page before me. I’d read the same sentence at least ten times but couldn’t manage to get into it. The text wasn’t particularly difficult; it’s just that my mind was elsewhere. I looked around the train station thinking that since I couldn’t focus on my studies, I may as well people-watch. I noticed a young woman sitting on the other side of the bench. A backpack on her lap, she was engrossed by the book she was reading. So much so that she didn’t even notice me staring at her. She was a young Latina like me, probably in her first or second year at Columbia University. I couldn’t help but wonder what her life was like, where she was going. If only I were in her shoes and not in mine. If only I could go back to my first years at Columbia knowing what I now knew.
I was only two months shy of graduating from one of the most prestigious schools in the country and though this was supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life, I felt stuck and confused, like I was being pulled in opposing directions. A foreboding feeling of angst was wearing at me, not letting me concentrate. I had been living two lives for my entire college career and now more than ever I was feeling the effects. I was in love with a drug dealer and had spent five heart wrenching years trying to do right by him and living the street life while simultaneously going to school full time. I’d been through it with him, from him cheating on me left and right to him putting his hands on me and I’d forgiven him for it all, but now I was staring my future in the face and it didn’t look as promising as it once did. I couldn’t help but feel that everything was going to hit the fan soon and I didn’t know how I was going to deal. I sighed deeply and stood up as the train roared into the station.
“Uptown #1 Train.. Next stop 125th Street,” announced the conductor as the doors closed behind me.
I looked around and immediately spotted the cutie checking me out. I glanced at my reflection in the window and smirked. My long hair was parted down the middle, neatly braided Pocahontas style. I wore a white DKNY tank top and a low rise, fitted gray DKNY sweat suit with Classic K-Swiss sneakers. My flat mid section was exposed enough to reveal a pierced belly button and tight abs. I’m not conceited but I know I’m not ugly. Actually I’m quite attractive but never let that go to my head. I’m most proud of my intelligence and ability to survive and thrive despite the arduous circumstances that seem to constantly plague my existence.
“Would you like to sit down, Pocahontas?” asked the cutie. He was sitting in the seat next to the door I was leaning on.
I smiled shyly. “No, I’m okay, hun. I’ve been sitting for a while so I’m good for now but thanks for the offer.”
“No problem. Just trying to be a gentleman,” flirted the sweet looking Latino.
I glanced around and couldn’t help but notice that he hadn’t extended his “gentlemanliness” to any of the other females that were standing up. A couple of them shot hateful eyes at me but I opted to take my usual route and ignored them. I was used to being envied and learned long ago that the best thing to do was to disregard it altogether.
“Is that a book on Buddhism you’re reading?” asked the lindo pointing at the book in my hands.
I eyed him curiously. I’d noticed his good looks immediately upon entering the train but as I peeped him now, I couldn’t help but stare. He was even more handsome than I initially realized. His curly hair was cut into a short blow out. His beard was neatly trimmed and cut close to frame his jaw and he had a goatee that only complimented his full, kissable lips. Damn, I mused silently. If only I were single! I checked him out from head to toe. He wore a cream colored guayabera with dark jeans and what I could swear were Kenneth Cole shoes. Mmmmm! Damn, I loved me some pretty boys but I’d never been unfaithful before despite w
hat I’d been through with Fabian and I was not about to start now.
I glanced down at the book and observed that the cover was exposed. Buddha sat meditatively on a lotus flower. “Yeah, it’s for a class I’m taking,” I responded, blushing. I realized that I’d been sizing him up and my response was delayed long enough for him to notice. Shit! I was slipping in my game. I hadn’t been in the game for so long that I hardly knew what I was doing anymore.
He smirked. “Let me guess, Indo-Tibetan Buddhism, right?”
I did a double take. Let me find out! What could he possibly know about that, I wondered.
“Shocked you didn’t I?” he added quickly as if reading my mind. “I took a similar class when I was at NYU. So, you’re a student at Columbia?” he asked.
I was taken aback. ¡Coño! He’s fine and he’s learned. That’s what I need in my life. I thought about my man and pursed my lips in frustration. “Yeah, I’m graduating in two months if all goes well.”
“That’s what’s up. Beauty and brains! You’re a full package, aren’t you? So, I’m assuming you’re off the market ‘cause a female as fly as you couldn’t possibly be single.” His voice gave away a lingering hope that he was wrong.
“Yeah, you got that right,” I said begrudgingly.
“Too bad. I would have loved to take you out to vibe intellectually.” He didn’t make the least attempt to hide his disappointment.
“Thanks, pa, but no thanks. I don’t cheat. It’s just not my style.” I struggled to hide the hint of reluctance in my voice but knew I’d failed miserably. I hoped he didn’t pick up on the bitterness but in the back of my mind I knew that these days it was written all over my face.
“Well, my name is Ruben. I hope we meet in the next lifetime. Stay beautiful and true,” he said longingly as he got up. “This is my stop. I’ll pray to Buddha that we’ll meet again someday soon and hopefully, by then you would have shed yourself of those chains that bind you.” He winked at me as he stepped off the train. “Wait, what’s your name?” He held the door open with his foot.
“India.” My face flushed with bashfulness. He nodded knowingly and we stared at one another mesmerized as the doors closed. Our eyes didn’t break their gaze until the train pulled off.
See, that’s what I need in my life, I thought to myself as I sat down in the still-warm seat that Ruben had been sitting in. A man with a future and intelligence, one that can stimulate me during the first few moments of an encounter is most definitely someone I’d like to get to know. If only I were single. If only my heart was open to that and not caught up in some drug dealer’s grip. ¡Máldita sea!
I glanced around the train again and saw that the haters were still glaring at me with nasty sneers on their lips. Two of them were blatantly bashing me, gossiping into one another’s ears and cutting their eyes at me.
You wouldn’t want to be in my shoes ladies. Hate me all you want but I’d trade places with you in a heartbeat if I could. I shook my head in disgust and pulled out my iPod. I’d decided to give up on reading. My mind just wasn’t cooperating and it was obvious I wasn’t going to get anything done in this state. I listened to some old-school freestyle while my mind wandered over the shambles that was my life.
2
“¡Perra!” a female voice yelled as I stepped off the train at Dyckman Street. I didn’t have to look back to know that the slur was directed at me. I always wondered why chicks were always so spiteful towards one another. After all, wasn’t there ample space in the sky for all the stars to shine? I had problems with females all my life. I couldn’t count the times I’d thrown down and gotten jumped simply because of the confidence with which I carried myself. No matter how much effort I put into making myself approachable or how friendly I was, they tended to feel threatened by me and shunned me as a result. That was why all my life my closest confidantes had been male. I’d gotten over it but it still bothered me sometimes. Why should I shrink myself to make others feel more secure around me? What the fuck is wrong with my sisters? I contemplated crossly. Whatever! Fuck them! I pushed my ponderings out of my head with a final thought, their hatred was their issue, not mine.
I turned my attention to the next issue at hand - my man. I wondered what mood he was in today. It was Friday, the beginning of the weekend, time to add up the tally for the week. If he’d made good money on his sales and the spot, he’d be in a good mood. It would be time to party, floss at the club and get fucked up on Moet and Grey Goose, and maybe even pop a couple of pills of ecstasy. If he hadn’t made much money, he’d be irritable and would more than likely take it out on me. That’s just the way he was.
I saw him standing in front of the pool hall talking to a group of girls that couldn’t have been more than sixteen or seventeen. I could tell he was flirting; after all I’d spent the last five years of my life trying to win his heart. The sleeve of his Ralph Lauren Purple Label V-neck was unnecessarily rolled up, exposing his iced out Rolex. The sun sparkled off the two carat rock in his earlobe and the diamonds in the medallion of his thick chain. The girls were obviously enthralled by the display of money and Fabian’s gift of gab. I was all too familiar with his ability to run game. I’d always thought that if he wanted to go legit, he’d probably have no problem being a car salesman because with his muela, he could easily sell a lemon to the most knowledgeable consumer.
Fabian nonchalantly pushed his Fendi shades up his nose, shamelessly flaunting the Roli ring on his finger. He’d bought it to match the watch. It was all about the front, letting the world know that he had money. I quietly walked up behind him hoping to hear what he was saying to the girls.
“You know how I do ladies. C’mon, I’m the infamous, the one and only Fabian. Anytime y’all wanna hang, smoke an L, and chill, y’all just holler at me. Don’t worry, I won’t bite. I might nibble a little but never bite, unless of course you want me too.” The girls giggled flirtatiously but silenced immediately when they saw me leering at them from behind Fabian, my head tilted to the side slightly, hand on my hip, daggers for eyes. They knew very well who I was.
“Fabian’s wifey, yo,” whispered one of them as if I couldn’t hear. “Let’s bounce.”
Fabian turned around and grabbed me by the waist affectionately. “What’s up, mami? I’ve been waiting for you. Where you been? Why didn’t you call me? I would’ve picked you up.”
“It sure doesn’t look like it. Looks to me like you had your hands full,” I responded accusingly, rolling my eyes and curling my lip with revulsion.
“Nah, baby. Just being nice to the custies. You know how it is ma. I gotta make money to spoil my queen, don’t I? Their money buys you the world, boo. Give your pa a kiss.”
“Yeah, whateva,” I retorted but gave him a deep open mouth tongue kiss so everyone could see. I did it more for the group of little girls who were walking away but still glancing back longingly.
“You know you my moon, ma.” Fabian grabbed my full, tight ass and pushed his crotch into mine.
“You’re such a sucio.” I giggled and pushed him away half-heartedly.
“You hitting the gym hard, ma. That ass is on fire, baby,” Fabian remarked, his eyes followed my jiggle as I walked into the store.
¡Que baina! I thought. No matter what he does, he still has that effect on me. Whenever I see him, my heart palpitates, palms become sweaty and I get a knot in my stomach.
I loved him and hated him at the same time. I’d been through so much with him, he’d broken my heart so many times and still I stood by him, taking his shit, hoping like a pendeja that one day soon he’d learn to love me like I yearned and deserved. At least he’s in a good mood, I said silently to myself.
“C’mon baby,” Fabian whispered into my ear as I peered into the glass refrigerator doors trying to figure out what flavor Gatorade to buy. “Let’s go shopping. We gonna hit the town tonight and my mami gotta look fly. Whatever you want, price ain’t an issue. Let’s bounce.” He reached over me to grab a Corona with one h
and and groped my breast roughly with the other.
3
Sue’s Rendezvous in Mount Vernon was the strip club to frequent if you were a drug dealer in the tri-state area. They gathered there to talk business, floss their money and ice, and, if they got lucky, take a dancer home for the night.
I gazed at the stripper’s long thick legs as she worked the pole. This bitch is off the hook, I thought, staring at her gyrating, muscular ass. The stripper named Anais made it no secret that she was feeling me. She licked her lips and played with her nipples while staring coquettishly into my transfixed eyes.
Anais leaned over and whispered into my ear, “Love your Dolce dress, bella.”
As she leaned back, she tenderly ran her finger down my exposed cleavage. I shivered, the little hairs on my arms stood on end and my pussy became moist. I felt the E and Grey Goose coursing through my veins. The bass of the house music thumped to the rhythm of my heartbeat. I could feel Anais’s touch down to my toes long after she had moved away to work the group of ballers sitting to my left. She glanced back every now and then to lock eyes with me and throw me a kiss to let me know she was coming for me. I sat there biting my lip in lustful anticipation, discreetly rubbing my hard nipples on the cold, dewy glass of vodka and cranberry in my hand.
I felt Fabian’s hands move up my thigh. “You look devastating in that dress, ma. You see, your papí takes care of you.”
I stared at myself in the mirror opposite me. The dress clung to my perky breasts exposing my lush cleavage and rippled midsection all the way down to my navel. It hugged my small waist and full hips stopping mid thigh to show off my well-developed thigh muscles. I wore strappy Manolo Blahnik stilettos on my French manicured feet. I felt like a diva in the dress and knew I shined. I turned heads the minute I stepped into the joint and relished in the attention, but as soon as Fabian saw that all eyes were on us, he gruffly grabbed my waist and led me around like I was his trophy. I felt like a prize dog on a leash at the Westminster Kennel Club show.
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