I laid there rocking my bruised body. When I heard the front door slam, I leaned over and opened the wadded paper.
India,
You were amazing. I can’t express how exquisitely you made me feel. I hope we can do this again. Next time, it must be just me and you. Give me a call mi bella. 646-555-4608.
Besos,
Anais
P.S. I’m leaving this money because it’s yours. You gave it to me at the club but that money was given to you by your admirers. Buy yourself something nice and be sure to wear it for me on our next encounter. *wink wink*
I counted the money and was amazed to find almost six hundred dollars. I recalled giving Anais the money and the look of hesitation on her face. I giggled and was quickly brought back to my excruciating reality by the sharp pain in my abdomen. I sobbed quietly, cradling myself, wondering what the fuck it was going to take to break the fuck out of this abusive relationship.
7
I lay on the hospital bed stunned. The nurse’s words echoed in my ear.
“I’m sorry to have to tell you this but you’ve had a miscarriage, Ms. Maldonado.”
Tears streamed down my face like rivers. “I was pregnant?” I asked in disbelief. “What do you mean?”
“Yes, you were about six weeks pregnant,” the nurse replied sympathetically. “The good news is that we think you’ve discharged the entire fetus so we won’t have to scrape your uterus.”
I stared at her aghast. “I can’t believe this shit!” I rubbed my belly and winced in pain. I was still badly bruised from the golpeada Fabian had inflicted upon me two days before.
The nurse walked to the door and closed it. She pulled up a chair alongside my bed and sat down with a look of concern. “I think those black and blues on your torso are what caused the miscarriage. You want to tell me what happened?” she asked, hopeful I would open up.
I tried to talk but choked up and began to sob uncontrollably. I remembered looking at my nude reflection in the mirror the night before. Ugly, green, black and blue contusions dotted my back and abdomen. I collapsed into the nurses’ arms, heaving in dismay as I recalled the night of the beat down. I couldn’t believe this had happened. It was surreal. Fabian had put his hands on me in the past but never so violently. The million dollar question was would he have been so sadistic had he known I was pregnant with his child. Despite my misery, I felt a sense of relief. I couldn’t have a baby, not now, not with Fabian. My conviction surprised me.
I looked at the nurse. “Thank you but that’s my past now. I’d rather not get into it.” I wiped my nose with the bed sheet and grimaced at the overpowering smell of hospital, a mixture of disinfectant and medicine. “Thank you. I’m sorry.” I gave the nurse my back and balled into fetal position.
“Well, if you want to talk, my name is Nurse Richards. You can call me Aimee. There’s also a social worker on duty today. Her name is Ms. Lopez. Just buzz the call button and someone will come to help you. You can go whenever you like, no rush. Your clothes are in the bag at the foot of the bed. The doctor’s specifications about post-ER care are on the table.” The nurse hesitated. “I really wish you’d talk to someone about your injuries… Take care.”
In the reflection of the glass on the closet door, I watched Nurse Richards look back at my shaking form. She shook her head disconcertedly and closed the door behind her.
I lay in the bed for a while mulling over the events of the past few days. I still couldn’t believe that I had been pregnant. Tears rolled onto the bedspread as I thought about my deceased baby. I wondered if I would have actually gone through with the pregnancy had I not miscarried. Thoughts of my baby made me convulse with sadness. Maybe I should talk to somebody. Maybe talking to a counselor will help ease this pain, I thought.
The ring of my cell phone snatched me out of my thoughts. I knew it was Fabian by the ring tone - Changes by Mary J. Blige. He’d left five messages since I’d left his apartment without leaving so much as a goodbye note. I’d emptied my drawers and closet, taking even my razor, toothbrush and loofah. “Fuck that, I’m taking this shit,” I’d thought contemplating the loofah. “I paid $15 for this!”
By the time I’d arrived at my dorm, he’d called three times but left only one message. He was crying, begging for forgiveness, promising that he’d never lay his hands on me again, pleading for my return.
“You took all your shit, ma. What’s wrong with you? You’re wiling! It’s not that serious, mamita! We can work this out!”
He kept calling at least once an hour. With each message he became increasingly irate. The last one was the worst.
You fucking sucia. You think you can get away from me?! This is the motherfucking infamous Fabian you dealin’ with here, bitch! You’ll never get away from me. I told you, you fucking cuero, you’re mine forever, bitch! I will hunt you down like the fucking snake that you are! I will hunt you down and slice you to pieces! You hear me you fucking crazy bitch! Oh, you think you slick, right? Well, I’ma show you who’s the slick one. I filmed you with your lesbian lover, máldita maricona! That’s right. I fucking filmed you! I’ma show that shit to the whole fuckin’ hood. Charge for tickets and shit. Make copies and sell that shit!”
Then he broke down and pleaded for my return.
“Ma, please don’t leave me. Please! I need you! I’m bugging! I would neva hurt you baby! Neva!”
I then heard muffled sniffing and knew immediately that he was doing coke. “Never get high on your own supply,” I sang shaking my head then the reality set in. “He filmed us! That son of a bitch filmed us! I can’t believe his trifling ass!”
My phone rang indicating that I had a new message. I hesitated but listened to it in spite of myself.
¡Ay Dios! Where are you, mamita? I called your dorm and your suitemate said you were taken away by ambulance. Where are you, ma? My God, I pray you’re okay. The stupid bitch couldn’t even tell me what hospital they took you to. I’m gonna go to St. Luke’s since it’s the closest one to Columbia. If you’re there, wait for me. I’m on my way. Your papí is on his way. Wait for me ma, wait for me.
My entire body tensed fearfully. He’s on his way?! I thought dumbstruck. I jumped out of the bed and immediately regretted my impulsiveness as piercing pain shot through my crotch, up my abdomen and down my legs. I almost keeled over but managed to keep steady by holding on to the bedrail for support. I carefully dressed myself. I opened the door, looked up and down the corridor and walked out as fast as I could, avoiding the waiting room area altogether. I didn’t stop until I was in the safety of my dorm room, knowing that the guards would never permit anyone entrance unless they received verbal permission. I collapsed onto my bed, privates throbbing, heart beating hard against my breast, sweat causing my shirt to stick to my body. I’d eluded him … at least for now.
8
I laid on the futon of my dorm room reminiscing about the last five years of my life. I remembered the day I hooked up with Fabian like it was yesterday.
I’d known Fabian for years. He hung out on the corner of the block where my Grandmother lived. I would walk by the group of guys and giggled at their comments on what a cute girl I was and a beautiful woman I was sure to become. But Fabian always took it further, following me, and telling me that he was going to marry me one day.
“You’re gonna be mine. You don’t know it or believe me now, mami, but you’re gonna be my princesa. You’ll see.”
I was always flattered but also wary of this man. After all, he was eight years my senior. I was just a young girl of twelve, still learning to be an adolescent, but not even a teenager. How could he see so far into my future? How could he be so sure of himself? How did he know he could win me over?
Still, I found myself going to the corner store more often or out for walks to the park. I’d conjure up any excuse to pass by the corner so Fabian could stare at my pubescent body. The way he watched me made me feel special and wanted. I would put a little extra shake in my strut when I
knew he was watching.
Fabian waited until I was seventeen to make his move. It was the summer before my senior year in boarding school and I was spending the last few weeks before the beginning of classes at my grandmother’s house while my mom visited relatives in Puerto Rico. I befriended Lynette, a girl from the block, who shared my crush on Fabian. I came to find out that Fabian had a number of the girls in the hood crazy for him. We’d watch him drive by in his glossy black Mercedes Benz, vying for his attention but it was all too obvious that it was me he wanted. He’d only stop to flirt when I was standing on the block and when I wasn’t, he’d stop to ask where I was and when I was coming back.
One stiflingly hot day, Lynette and I were on our way to the park when Fabian pulled up alongside us in his dope ride.
“I always knew you were going to be gorgeous but damn baby, you flyer than I ever imagined,” he declared biting his lip seductively. He stepped out of his car and approached us giggling girls.
“Who you talking to?” asked Lynette hopefully. “Me?” she asked enticingly pointing to her large bosom, “Or her?” She rolled her eyes and pointed at me apprehensively.
Fabian ignored Lynette and looked at me candidly. “When you gonna let me take you out, mami?”
While he spoke he put his finger through the belt loop of my fitted jean shorts. He looked at me up and down, licking his lips, undressing me with his gaze. I stepped back and looked at the ground shyly. My face flushed when he put his finger under my chin and pulled my face towards his. He kissed my forehead tenderly, slipped his number into the back pocket of my jeans, and copped a quick free feel of my tight bottom.
“Call me whenever, mami. Let me give you the world.”
He backed up, opened the door to his car and stepped in smoothly, without taking his intent gaze off me. He blared Biggie & R. Kelly’s Fucking you Tonight, blew me a kiss and sped off. Fabian knew what he was doing. He knew how to seduce a young, inexperienced girl who craved attention and love. I called him that very night.
I was supposed to be going to 42nd Street to watch a movie with Lynette or so I told my grandmother. Instead, Lynette and I took the A train to 181st and I called Fabian. He picked us up five minutes later. We dropped Lynette off at the theatre and I pleaded with her to cover for me. I provided specific instructions.
“If my grandmother calls, tell her I went to the bathroom or something and call Fabian right away.” I punched Fabian’s number into Lynette’s cell. “Yo, look out for me, ma. My grandmother will have my ass if she finds out I lied to go out with this nigga.”
“Don’t worry, ma. You my girl. I got you,” retorted Lynette but I sensed some resentment in her voice and could swear I saw her cut her eyes.
“I’ll call you tomorrow with all the details,” I assured, ignoring Lynette’s spite.
“Oh, y’all gonna make a bitch take the train home? That’s shady, yo,” said Lynette with attitude while staring at Fabian slyly.
“You good, girl. You should be used to riding the train but here’s some money so you can catch a movie, get something to eat and take a cab home.” Fabian nonchalantly handed her a Benjamin. “Let me take your girl out and show her a good time. Get in the car, mamita,” said Fabian, winking at me.
I gave Lynette a kiss goodbye and noticed that she didn’t return the kiss. “Be happy for me please.” I squeezed her arm, got in the car and drove off, leaving her sulking on 42nd and 8th Avenue.
Fabian took me to Tito Puente’s seafood restaurant on City Island. There he insisted that I order the most expensive dish and slipped the waiter a fifty so he’d get us a bottle of Moet without carding me. I hadn’t had a drink in my life and had never been treated to such a deliciously scrumptious, expensive meal. By the time we left, I was giddy from the alcohol and the endless praises Fabian whispered in my ear. He had me where he wanted - in the palm of his hand. Afterward, he took me to Fort Tryon Park where he sucked my juvenile breasts until they were raw. Despite the alcohol, I wouldn’t let Fabian roam under my skirt.
“No, pa,” I pleaded. “I’m a virgin, no. I’m not ready yet.”
Fabian stopped and looked at me with a smirk, “Gives me something to look forward to.” When he dropped me off a block away from my grandmother’s house, he kissed me deeply. “I told you I would have you one day.”
“You don’t have me yet.” I laughed nervously as I stepped out of the car. The truth was that he’d had my heart for years.
I skipped down the block on cloud nine. I couldn’t believe I had an older man, a paid nigga chasing me. I chuckled nervously thinking about the way he kissed my lips and breasts. No one had ever made me feel so extraordinary, so sought after. I didn’t remember the last time I’d been so elated. My face dropped when I saw my grandmother sitting on the stoop of the building.
“¿Y Lynnette, donde esta?” inquired my grandmother suspiciously.
“Oh … um …” I stuttered. “She stayed hanguiando con unas amigas but I told her my curfew was midnight.”
“¡Mentirosa!” yelled my grandmother. “¡Te fuistes a cueriar!” She cursed me and dragged me inside by my hair, lecturing me in her thick Spanish accent. “Now ju can’t go out for the rest of the verano and I’m gonna tell jour moder too! I’m gonna call her in the morning to tell her of your perrerías!”
I was horrified. I could deal with my grandmother labeling me a slut and smacking me up but the idea of being grounded for the remainder of the summer devastated me. I won’t be able to see or spend time with Fabian!, I thought tearfully. And what happened to Lynette? I thought she had my back. I thought she was gonna cover for me. I cried into my pillow and didn’t stop sniveling until I fell asleep.
The following day I awoke to find that my grandmother had left to work. I immediately picked up the phone and called Fabian. He answered groggily.
“Yo, who this calling me at this insane hour?”
I looked at the clock to see that it was already noon. “I’m sorry, pa. I’ll call you later.”
“No mami. I didn’t know it was you, preciosa. Talk to me baby. I love to hear your voice.”
I smiled briefly then started sobbing. I explained what happened when he dropped me off.
“It’s alright, ma. Don’t worry. They can’t keep us apart. No one can. You call me whenever you want and we’ll see each other some way, some how.”
“But how? I can’t even leave the house,” I blubbered.
“We’ll figure it out, ma. Don’t worry and stop crying. I can’t bear to hear you so sad. It breaks my heart, beautiful. As fine as you are though, you probably look devastating when you cry,” Fabian said, making me giggle. “As for your friend, Lynette, she’s a shady bitch. She hatin’ ‘cause she know you got my heart, ma. That’s all. Don’t sweat that bitch. Fuck her!”
“Nah, Fabe. Something must’ve happened. She’s my best friend. She wouldn’t do that to me,” I responded defensively.
“She’s trife, ma. Trust me. You’ll see that I’m right. Just watch, you’ll see.”
When I hung up, I dialed Lynette’s number but got her voicemail. I left her a message begging for her to call me back. Lynette called three hours later.
“Yo, my bad, ma. Your grandmother called and I was all high and silly, I didn’t know what to say. I’m so sorry! What happened? Did you get busted?”
I explained what happened while Lynette listened anxiously. “Damn my bad yo!” apologized Lynette. “Yo, whateva I can do to help you out, let me know. And, don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye on Fabe for you and make sure he don’t try to play my girl, aight. I’ll call you later. Smooches!”
Naively, I didn’t doubt Lynette’s loyalty. I didn’t understand why Fabian would say such mean things about her but I would find out shortly thereafter.
Fabian and I sneaked around for the remainder of the summer. He’d visit me when my grandmother was at work and we’d fool around until Fabian got blue balls. I held onto my virginity with an iron tight grip.
&n
bsp; “I’m just not ready yet, pa,” I’d explain when he’d try to go into my pants. He started calling me his number one cock-tease in jest but I knew that he was only half joking.
As promised, Lynette kept her eye on Fabian for me. She’d call me daily with updates. She even started hanging out with him “so I can keep a closer eye on him for you,” she explained innocently. So whenever I heard murmurings that Lynette was messing with Fabian, I brushed it off and convinced myself that they cared for me too much to betray me.
During my last year at boarding school, Fabian periodically sent me money and care packages filled with expensive hair products, bath salts, and body lotions. In one package, he sent me a cell phone so I could call him whenever my heart desired. The rumors about Fabian and Lynette kept flying despite their assurances that they’d never hurt me in such a vile manner. I started calling Fabian round the clock to ease my worries.
On his first visit to Boston, before he was able to even put his luggage down in the hotel room, I confronted Fabian about my concerns. He flipped on me and manipulated me into feeling guilty for my “false” accusations.
“It’s not like you’re giving me any pussy so you couldn’t blame me if I did fuck another bitch!” he yelled.
“So that’s what this is about? I haven’t put out so you have to go get it elsewhere, desgraciado!” I cried.
Fabian grabbed me by my waist and pulled me close to him, caressing me he said, “Baby, I told you I would wait as long you want me to. I am not playing you and I’d never play you but a nigga got needs, ma. I been holding out for you too, you know.”
Woman's Cry Page 3
