Joy's Summer Love Playlist

by Piper Bee

  His hand reaches up to my hat, lifting it off my head so there’s only humid air between us.

  “All I want,” he says, “is a shot.” He looks at my lips.

  I can’t decide which side of this war should win. Jin, who’ll be gone. Or Cale, who’s staying here. Both of them lied. Both of them had good intentions.

  Right now, I can figure out which one holds up.

  I give Cale the shot. I kiss him, lingering on his full, salty lips. He’s a good kisser. Soft and considerate.

  I want to want it. But it’s not enough. I never thought of Cale when I was with Jin. And now… I can’t escape Jin. This feels wrong.

  My chest twists and I break it. I take a deep breath in. Why did I do that?

  My phone buzzes. I yank it out of my shorts.

  JP: I still mean it.

  Me too.

  “I’m sorry, Cale.” I look up at him, but his eyes are on my phone.

  “It wasn’t one-sided, was it?” he asks. I give him a bare shake of my head.

  The crowd bursts into cheers. Carson struck the hitter out, just before another run. My eyes land on the mound. On Carson. He’s looking right at me.

  A gripping glare.

  Oh God. He saw me kiss Cale.

  And now he thinks I lied.

  TRACK 24 - HEARTLESS

  JULY 25TH

  The strings of our friendship are frayed. Not broken, but weaker. Our “deal” wasn’t exactly broken; it was never really a “deal” to start with. But there was still the matter of the car.

  Cale and I didn’t talk much the next eight innings. The Gophers won, in no small part due to Carson’s rage, which was obvious to me. One game, it gives them a ten run lead. Another he injures his shoulder. Unpredictable.

  People shuffle out of their seats, most of them pleased with Carson’s comeback win. I grab Cale’s sweaty forearm and pull him aside, into the shade.

  “I’ll pay you for the car.”

  “Don’t! Don’t do that,” Cale says, physically waving the notion away. “The Beater is yours, no strings.”

  I shake my head. “I’d feel better if I paid you, though.”

  “And I’d feel worse if you did.” He rubs the back of his long neck. “I’d kinda like to not feel any worse.”

  I’m so sorry. I want to say it, but I just nod.

  Cale stretches his arms, I imagine more to cut the awkwardness than because he’s sore. “Okay, well, I’m gonna go back to my car and blast that AC.”

  “See you soon?” There’s a lilt of hope in my voice.

  He wants to smile but he winces. “Maybe… later.”

  The distance in his words hurts, but I can’t blame him.

  “Okay,” I say. Then I watch as he escapes through the gates to the grassy parking area.

  I want to cry. But I’m also somewhat relieved. But it also sucks to be relieved when you know you just crushed your friend’s heart.

  I thought I was helping him out, even though I wasn’t thrilled about fake dating. Now, I’m not sure. If I’d just told him I didn’t want to do it, maybe things would’ve been better. Maybe I should just stop being so compliant.

  I’m not eager to go to my car. The AC is still out. Shade is better than a mobile sauna. I wish Mom and Dad had taken the day off work and driven me in one of their present-century vehicles, but they never do that for practice games.

  I lean against the hot brick wall. I’m not sure what I should do right now. Usually I wait for Carson to get out of the lockers post-game, but I don’t want to stick around today. Nothing good could come from it.

  “Hey, are you Joy?” It’s a blonde member of the Gophers team, can’t remember his name. He doesn’t wait for my response before he says, “Your brother’s looking for you.”

  “Of course he is,” I mumble. I peel myself from the wall. “Thanks. Tell him I’m coming.”

  So much for avoiding him.

  The guy started jogging back before I finished thanking him. I take a slower pace to the lockers.

  Here’s to untangling whatever Carson has in his head.

  I only wait outside the locker room exit for like thirty seconds before he comes out, freshly showered and changed. I can smell the musty sweat coming off his duffle bag but I ignore it.

  “Come with me. I got a surprise,” he says walking past me. No greeting. No amusement.

  No anger, which is honestly the most terrifying part.

  I follow him toward the parking lot. “What do you mean you have a ‘surprise’?”

  “I just got a surprise.” This serious tone forms a pit in my stomach.

  “Can I just explain what happened?” I start, though I immediately regret it.

  He spins around. “Explain what? Why you were kissing your boyfriend?” His flash of anger dissipates and he starts walking again. “You don’t have to explain, Joy. I don’t give a shit.”

  My heart stops. It’s obvious that he means the opposite of what he said.

  I grab Carson’s arm. “What’s going on with you?”

  He yanks his arm away and keeps walking. We reach his truck and he opens the passenger door, tossing his duffle bag in.

  “Carson!” Why is he ignoring me?

  The door slams.

  “I said I got a surprise for you! Just hold your goddamn horses, Joy!”

  I meet his angry eyes and recognize this state. There’s no talking to him now. If I try, he’ll fly off the handle. I don’t want to give in, and I definitely don’t want to know what his “surprise” is, but I’m certain it’ll be worse if I argue.

  “Now,” he says, rounding the front of his truck, “You gotta just sit in here for a minute. I’m gonna be over there.” He points to the chain link fence twenty feet away. “You’ll know it when you see it, little sister.”

  “Why can’t you just talk to me like a normal person?”

  “I didn’t get this far by being normal.”

  You’d have gotten farther if you could reign it in sometimes. I keep the thought to myself. It’s not worth it.

  I do what he asks and sit in the driver's seat with the window down. At least this side of the lot is shaded by the stadium. Carson leans against the fence, checking his phone. I put my elbow on the open window and rest my head on my hand. This is so dumb.

  Over the next few minutes, more people leave the stadium grounds. There’s hardly any stragglers. This side of the lot must be where the teams park because there are still cars but hardly anyone is out here.

  What is he trying to show me? That he can manipulate me into sitting in a hot car for no reason?

  “It would have been less weird if you just invited me to watch you play.”

  Dread fills me. I know that voice.

  Anyone but her.

  “I thought you hated sports,” Carson says, as she walks right in front of his truck, with her silky hair over a flowery crop top and distressed shorts.

  Lena.

  “Are you kidding? I don’t hate watching sexy guys throw a ball around!” she argues, and then she throws her arms around his neck. He grins at her.

  And they kiss. Lena’s making out with my brother.

  WHAT?!

  I slam the door. I don’t even remember getting out of the car. I barely register my ankle soreness as I pound my feet toward them.

  “WHAT THE HELL!” I hear myself say. Lena whips around with eyes wide as baseballs.

  “Shit!” she says involuntarily. “Joy! Oh my God!”

  Carson’s angry eyes meet mine. What nerve he has to be smug right now.

  Lena’s head bobs between us like a ping pong ball.

  “Really? Her?” I say to him. I’m furious with her, too, but Carson is the one I truly don’t understand. He’s my brother.

  “Joy, please don’t freak out!” Lena says with her hands up.

  I glare at her. “Freak out? Why the hell should I freak out when my brother is making out with my best friend behind my back?”

  “Please l
isten! This is nothing. It’s a fling!” she stammers. “It’s nothing.”

  “It’s not nothing!” I scream, sounding more shrill than I’d hoped.

  She folds her hands and pleads. “Please don’t say anything to Jin. Please, Joy.”

  Ugh. I want to vomit, I’m so disgusted with her.

  Carson laughs. “Wow, girls are scary. Always lying to each other.”

  Lena shoots a glare at him. “You’re an asshole, Carson!”

  She thinks he’s talking about her, but his eyes are locked on me.

  “Me? You sure about that, Lena?” says Carson, not looking away.

  Tears well up in my eyes. Inevitably, he would do this. I knew it would happen.

  “I’m not lying, Carson.”

  “So you told her, then?”

  My lips tremble, shut tight. He nods, knowing the answer.

  “What the actual hell is going on here?” Lena says, catching on.

  His eyes flick to her and he reaches into his back pocket. “You shouldn’t be so worried about Jin, Lena. He knows what he wants.”

  I’m frozen in this god-awful heat. I can only watch him deliver more hurt.

  He hands his cracked phone to her.

  Damn it.

  “What is this?” she says so muted that I’m not sure it’s her voice. “You kissed him?”

  I frown at her. “Are you serious, Lena?”

  She rubs her temples, like she has a right to be frustrated with me. “I was extremely freaking clear, Joy.”

  “Who were you kissing just now? A ghost?”

  She points at me, her brow tense. “You never said your brother was off-limits!”

  “Did you say Jin was?” I square my jaw. “You didn’t think you had to, right?”

  She scoffs. “Well, why the hell would he go for you when you have a boyfriend, huh?”

  “Cale was never my boyfriend! None of it was even real!”

  Lena folds her arms. “Is that what you told Jin? Please tell me he bought it.”

  The humid air piles onto me as I try to figure out what’s behind Lena’s annoyed tone. “Did you know?”

  “How can you keep this up, Joy?” Carson says. “You were making out with Cale like three hours ago.”

  “Wow, really?” Lena says, shocked and nearly amused. “So Jin was just a fling to you?”

  “No! That’s… ugh!” Are they both insane?

  Lena rolls her eyes. “You know what? I’m over both of you.”

  “Fine with me,” Carson says, not even looking up from his phone.

  Lena takes off the direction she came. I chase after her.

  “Carson doesn’t know what he—”

  She turns on a dime, every muscle committed to the action.

  “Are you really stringing Jin and Cale along? And lying to me about it?”

  “So you did know,” I gather. “About the deal.”

  “Yeah,” she says and off-sets her jaw. “The deal was my idea. Didn’t expect you to go behind my back.”

  We’re in a draw of betrayal. She knows she’s a hypocrite. I know I’m a hypocrite. I could explain my side, and she could still come back with her side. Nothing will get solved.

  But I’ve got enough fire left for one last round.

  “You forced me to lie to you, but I told Jin the truth. Is it really surprising he picked me?”

  Lena’s face is tense with hurt and restrained anger. She tuts. “So then why kiss Cale?”

  I sigh. “Because I was trying to give up on Jin.”

  Her jaw drops just enough that I know she wasn’t expecting me to say that.

  A pair of truth-wrought tears fall along my cheeks. I walk away.

  And then I run to my car because I can run now.

  I reach my blistering hot metal beast. My chest heaves. How did I not know they were meeting up? How dense am I?

  My key makes it into the door, but I leave it there and drop to the grass.

  I was trying to let Jin Park go.

  But I can’t. I still mean it.

  TRACK 25 - BLUFFIN'

  STILL JULY 25TH

  When we were kids, Carson used to cheat at hide-and-seek. He used to pretend he wasn’t there when I found him. Most kids would grab the hider and shake them or something but we had a bogus rule that I always followed. Our rule was that the seeker would lose if they touched the hider at all. I tried everything to get him to acknowledge, but no matter what I did, it would result in me losing to him. I tried using the same tactic on him, but he’d pretend he’d gotten bored of looking for me and leave me in my hiding spot for however long I’d stay there.

  The thrill of playing with my big brother strung me along for a while, but I gave up eventually. Then I refused to play it with other kids. Better to be out of the game than to lose when cheating is so easy.

  I really didn’t think that a brother could cheat on you, but that’s what it felt like to see him kissing Lena. I was just starting to trust him. When he said I should try to make things work with Jin, I wonder if he was just interested in Lena. If it was really all about him, like it always is.

  He cheats to win. With me, anyway.

  It’s a broiler inside my car. I slam my fists on the steering wheel, practically burning the skin on my hands.

  “Please! Please,” I cry, tears nearly dry from overflowing for so long. I take off my hat and violently toss it into the passenger seat.

  I turn the key again and it sputters, but nothing happens. Then I hand roll the window up, ready to abandon the damn thing in the parking lot.

  It’s poetic justice. I broke Cale’s heart, and his car is loyally screwing me over.

  Just call him. You know you want to.

  I click the lock down and slam the door. I slide my phone out of my back pocket. To hell with it.

  I call Jin.

  Ring. Ring.

  He’s not gonna answer. That would be so appropriate right now. I’d walk home before asking Carson or Lena for a damn ride.

  “Joy?”

  My throat catches. “Hey.”

  “Hey.” I can hear a smile in his voice.

  I swallow. “I still mean it, too.”

  “I hoped so,” he says. I smile. He’s perfect.

  “Are you busy?” I ask.

  “Not anymore.” So perfect.

  “Good because my car won’t start.”

  “Where are you?”

  “It’s too hot for a bike.”

  He laughs. I missed his laugh. “Car it is.”

  I spot a mirrored ‘50s diner across the street, like a beacon. “Meet me at Glen’s Diner. It’s off of Highway 90.”

  “Glen’s Diner, I know that place. I can be there in twenty minutes.”

  “Twenty minutes,” I echo, no doubt in my mind that it’s as fast as he can get here.

  “Cool,” he says. I can hear jingling keys like distant twinkling stars, growing my hope. “See you soon.”

  “See you soon, Jin.”

  “Hey, Joy…”

  The streaks of tears tighten my skin as they dry on my face. “Yeah?”

  “It’s really good to hear your voice again.”

  I grin. I can’t help it. “Yours, too.”

  “Bye.” Beep.

  I look at my phone in a daze. I fell hard. I’m almost glad my car is a beat up hunk of useless metal.

  ♫

  Within exactly eighteen minutes, I jay-walked across the street, used the bathroom, praised God that I found a five dollar bill in my pocket so I could buy something, slid into a sparkly teal vinyl booth and ordered a strawberry milkshake. The sugar doesn’t really help the nerves, but it cools me off.

  Nineteen minutes. My milkshake is halfway gone as I avoid staring out the window.

  The old-school bell twinkles when Jin opens the door to the empty diner. There is no better situation to describe “a sight for sore eyes.” None.

  His hopeful, relieved smile. That same white t-shirt on his skinny shoulders and blue jean
s a tiny bit too loose. I’m glad I abandoned my hat in my car, because I would hate for anything to obstruct this view.

  “Sorry about your car,” he says first thing. The waitress brings him a laminated menu and walks away without so much as a “hello.” It seems rude, but it occurs to me that she might’ve ignored him because he won’t take his eyes off me.

  “It’s okay. I’m used to it.”

  “Need me to take you somewhere?” His genuine concern melts me. That he offered to play chauffeur so easily makes me smile.

  “No,” I tell him, still soaking him in.

  “Do you want me to?”

  The mysterious depth under his words squeeze my heart.

  “Yes.” It’s instinctual. He starts to get up and hesitation floods in. “But can we talk first?”

  He sits back down. “Of course. Anything you want.”

  His attention is latched onto me, which pulls me deeper into my affection for him. If this time apart has done anything good, it’s strengthened my feelings.

  “I broke off the deal with Cale today.” Jin nods and I continue. “Apparently it was never fake for him, so…”

  “I’m not really surprised. How’d that go?”

  “He took it well. For getting his heart broken.”

  He leaves the talking space for me to fill, yet he’s not forcing my hand. I can tell him anything. Everything. But I’m afraid to admit that I was trying to let him go.

  Looking at him, though… my fear seems so unfounded.

  “I’m sorry. I thought I was over you but…”

  “I couldn’t stop thinking about you either, Joy.” A grin flickers on his gorgeous lips.

  I play with the straw in my milkshake. Jin is so easy to adore. “I’m sorry I didn’t text you back.” The regret hurts. I was fooling myself by trying to stay away.

  He grabs my hand. “No, no, no. I messed up. I should have told you about my dad when I figured it out.”

  “But you were right.” I squeeze his hand. “I would’ve gotten scared.”

  “You still didn’t deserve to hear it from Angela Garcia of all people.”