by Dori Lavelle
What was I thinking? Why did I answer his question? I should have known better than to give him an answer he obviously didn’t want to hear. The moment the question left his lips, I knew he wanted the answer to be no. I should have given him what he wanted. I should have lied. But instead, I spoke without thinking and possibly shattered what’s left of his soul. I didn’t stay long enough to watch his reaction, but I can sense his hurt all the way out of this place. It’s following me like a stink.
If only I hadn't come to Cabo. I wish I hadn’t gotten involved in Audrey’s mess. She’s dead. She has no way of knowing whether I respected her wishes or not.
I don’t glance right or left as I approach the black Mercedes. Juan is awake now, reading a newspaper.
Feeling like the worst person in the world, I slide into the passenger’s seat.
He folds up his paper and puts it away, gives me a smile. “Did the visit go well?” he asks.
I have no idea how long he’s worked for the LaClaire family, how close the brothers are to him, or even if he’s aware of Lance’s situation.
It’s best I keep my mouth shut. It’s not my place to hand over information that might not concern him. I’ve already done enough damage as it is. Besides, he might be asking to be polite, not because he’s digging for information.
“It went fine,” I say. “Thanks for waiting.”
“No problem.” He turns the key in the ignition, and the car vibrates to life.
As we head back to the LaClaire villa, I’m gazing out the window, not even appreciating the beautiful city, and I pray he doesn’t ask any more questions. He doesn’t, but glances at me from time to time, perhaps sensing that something is up. During our earlier ride to the facility, I’d talked more, asked questions about Cabo and Mexico. Now, I can’t find the words.
Close to fifteen minutes later, we arrive at our destination. We find Bryant talking on the phone, standing by one of the sports cars in the driveway. When he sees us pull up, he hangs up and comes to open the door for me.
“Thank you for going to see him,” he says as we walk side by side into the house.
I fall into one of the black couches and drop my head into my hands. “It didn’t go well.” I raise my gaze to his. “I’m really sorry, Bryant. Your brother … he’s so broken. I’m not sure anyone can help him.”
“I know.” Bryant sits down next to me, elbows pressing into his thighs, chin propped on two fists. He smells of fresh aftershave and soap. “I talked to Lance a few minutes ago. He sounded upset. Nothing new, I guess.”
“I shouldn’t have come. It was a mistake.”
The room grows quiet as neither Bryant nor I say a word. When he finally breaks the silence, his voice is cracked around the edges.
“You never know. Even though it doesn’t look as though your visit made an impact on him, I’m sure it got him thinking.” He twists to face me, our knees almost touching. “Do you happen to have the video your sister left him?”
“It isn’t mine to keep.”
“Did you watch it with him? What did she say?” He rubs the side of his face. “It’s just that if I know what he’s dealing with, I can know how to help him—or at least try.”
“I understand totally.” I let out a long breath. “She apologized for everything, for breaking his heart … And yours.”
I watch his mouth work, but he doesn’t say anything.
“She asked for his forgiveness and told him not to be afraid to live. She actually said she thought he’s afraid of living.” I bite my bottom lip. “Before I left, Lance asked if I felt the same.”
“What was your answer?”
“I said ‘yes.’ I wish I could take it back. No one wants to hear an answer like that. What if I made things worse?”
He places a hand on my shoulder, then drops it again. “Hey, don’t worry about it. Sometimes the cold, hard truth is the only way to get to Lance.”
“What if it hits him too hard and he attempts to commit suicide again?”
“He’s in safe hands at Crystal Lake.” He shrugs. “Who knows, he might decide he wants to prove you and your sister wrong.”
I study his face for a moment, surprised at how alike the twins are, and at the same time, so different. The same dark hair, the intense emerald eyes, the same strong jaw, the dimples. But there’s something about Lance that captivates a person instantly, draws them in and refuses to let go. Bryant is as handsome as Lance, but has no major impact on me. But he’s kind and obviously loves his brother very much.
“I’m sorry I wasted your money by coming here.” When Bryant asked me to come to Mexico last week, he offered to cover all my travel-related expenses. I took the offer because I wouldn’t have been able to afford to travel at such late notice, with how busy I’ve been with my wedding planning business. I’d definitely not have been able to fly business class.
“You have nothing to apologize for. You came here to help and that’s what you did. You could have said no.”
“You’re kind, Bryant. Thank you.” My lips stretch in a warm smile. “Still, I think my job here is done. Since you bought me a flexible ticket, I’m thinking of flying back home tomorrow or the day after.”
“Don’t,” he says quickly. “You came this far. Stay a while.”
“I can’t, Bryant. I’m sorry, but I can’t help your brother. I can’t go back there.”
“That’s not what I meant.” He shifts in his seat. “You’ve done more than I could ever ask for. It would be selfish of me to ask you to return to Crystal Lake.”
“Then what are you saying?”
“Cabo is a beautiful city. Hundreds and thousands of people flock here every year to relax. Why don’t you stay and enjoy yourself?”
“I can’t afford—”
“No worries about money. I’ll continue to cover all your expenses, and you can stay here—in this house—if you like. Or a hotel. Lance isn’t here for another few days. You’ll have everything you need. Juan and Valentina will take care of your daily needs.”
“But—”
He raises a hand. “No buts. See it as a token of appreciation.”
“Thank you,” I say softly. God knows I could use a holiday after the year I’d had. It would be great to return home fully invigorated and ready to lift my business off the ground.
Rising from the couch, Bryant pushes his hands into his pockets. “I’m flying back to Boston this afternoon to return to my wife and son. I’ll come to Cabo in a week or two, or if Lance needs me. In the meantime, this place is all yours. Make yourself at home.”
I look around me at the spacious, luxurious but cool interior of the villa. It would be an amazing place to spend a holiday, surrounded by luxury and so close to the beach. If only Emile, my best friend and roommate could be here to enjoy it all with me. “Thank you, Bryant.”
“No, thank you.”
“I wish I could do more to help you and your brother.”
“You did more than any of us have done in a while.” He pauses. “And if you do decide to change your mind about going to see him, I’d appreciate it. But that will have to be your choice.”
He gives me a dimpled smile and walks out of the living room, leaving me to digest the words he’d said, my emotions wrestling within me.
7
Alice
The lavender-scented sheets feel like a soft cloud as I sink into them, the cotton and silk fabric making me sigh with contentment as they caress my skin.
Still, not even expensive sheets can ease my turmoil as I wrestle with my emotions.
I’m desperate to forget the stress of the day that completely drained me. My body is exhausted both emotionally and physically, my heart chipped around the edges. It even hurts to breathe, to think.
The TV flickers in the dark room, but I’m not interested in the cooking program on the screen. I reach for the remote and press mute.
Thoughts of Lance flood my mind, an image of his broken eyes. We are two separate people,
and I barely know him, but his pain pierces from inside. It hurt so much to be in the same room with him and be helpless to do anything. That’s why I’ve made the decision to leave Cabo in spite of Bryant’s generous offer.
I can’t stay in the LaClaire home when I know I can’t help, can’t surround myself with the dark memories and the pain experienced in this house, where Lance apparently spends most days of the year. I keep imagining him wheeling himself around this place, lonely and tortured by his demons.
No, Cabo may be a beautiful place, and I’ve always wanted to come to Mexico, but I won’t be able to let go enough to enjoy myself.
Confident in my decision, I swing my legs out of bed.
My feet meet the thick carpet. I stay seated on the edge of the bed to the count of ten, then stand to switch the light back on. I fetch my suitcase from the walk-in closet and drop it onto the bed, unzipping it.
Giving my mind no chance to talk me out of my decision, I grab clothes from around the room, folding them and laying them inside the suitcase.
When I reach a point where it’s hard to breathe, I sink to the bed and inhale several breaths. The bile I’ve been trying to hold down the whole day is now pushing itself up my throat with a renewed force.
Unable to push it back down, I stumble out of the room and into the bathroom, hands clutching my stomach. I drop to my knees in front of the toilet bowl. I retch until there’s nothing left in my belly, then I rinse my mouth and splash my face with cold water.
My body is swaying as I reenter the bedroom, where I halt in the middle of the room, staring at my suitcase for a long time before approaching it.
Finally, I reach the bed and sit down next to the suitcase, my gaze on the folded clothes inside it. Something peeks out from the satin pouch attached to the side of my suitcase. A black DVD case like the one that carried Lance’s DVD.
My stomach rolls as I reach for it. After two years, I’m still not ready to watch the video Audrey left for me. Why did I even bring the bloody thing along?
In addition to the two DVDs, she’d left several letters addressed to people she knew and a few she didn’t know. I was one of the lucky addressees. It was in my letter that she begged me to come and see Lance and apologized for failing me as a sister. I don’t understand why she still felt the need to film herself, but my instinct constantly tells me that the video she left me would change my life in some way. As much as I ignored the video, refused to watch it, it haunts me every day. Maybe I should go ahead and get it out of the way. Lance, of all people, had the courage to watch his own video.
Pushing any thoughts of fear to the back of my mind, I grab the case, snap it open, and before I can change my mind, slide the DVD into the player. For the second time today, my sister’s face appears before my eyes.
I hold my breath, as I wait for what she has to say.
“Hey, big sis.” She tips her head to the side. “I’m sorry that I left without saying goodbye in person. I’m sorry I checked out on life. I wasn’t strong enough to handle Jack’s rejection. But I don’t blame him for walking out on me. I’m not a good person to be around.”
My fingertips touch my cheek and come away wet. I sink to the floor next to the bed and hug my knees.
“As much as I’ll never forgive myself for what I did to Lance LaClaire, I’ll never forgive myself for being a terrible sister to you. I’ve been a total bitch to you. I was selfish and competitive and sometimes downright mean. I took things from you, things I knew you wanted. The more you wanted something, the more I had to have it. It sickens me to know I hurt you more times than I can count. For that, I’m sorry. I hope the little gift I left you will make up for the years that I spent making your life miserable.”
She takes a deep breath and covers her face for a moment. When her hands move away, I watch tears sliding down her cheeks. “That night at the coffee shop, I knew you had a big crush on Lance LaClaire. I saw it in your eyes. I could see that he was the first guy you felt deeply for. It’s why I took him away from you. That was a rotten thing to do.” She purses her full lips. “Sometimes I think I have a curse attached to me, a curse that forces me to derive joy from hurting other people. But you have to know one thing. The reason I competed with you, the reason I wanted to do everything better, was because you intimidated me. This might come as a shock, but I felt inferior to you.”
A chill touches my skin as shock ripples through my system. She felt intimidated by me?
I halt the tape to allow the revelation to sink into my mind. How could she have been intimidated by me when she had everything I didn’t? I press play again, allowing her to continue.
“You’re stunning, Alice.” Her expression is serious. “I know you never believed that, but every time I look at you, jealousy takes over. You have the kind of effortless beauty that comes natural, while I have to wear tons of makeup to enhance mine. The only reason I used to call you ugly when we were kids was because it made me feel more beautiful. There was no truth to it whatsoever. You’re the most beautiful and bravest person I have ever known. I should have built you up, appreciated you more, loved you more. I do love you, Sis. I really do, but I never knew how to show it. I tried to reach out to you sometimes, but every time I came close, I ended up hurting you instead.” She exhales. “For that and so much more, I’m sorry. Now that I’m gone, I want you to laugh without holding back, to smile more, to let your beauty shine. Take this second chance. Go to Lance LaClaire. I know he’s not the way he was when you first fell for him, but if what you feel for him was real, nothing can stand in the way. I think what you feel for him is real. There were times over the years when you called out his name in your dreams. You’ve never been able to let him go. Now, please promise me to find him. Find him and love him.” She raises her face to the ceiling, blinking away tears. “I’m removing myself from the equation now so you can have the life you deserve. Goodbye, Sis.”
She blows me a kiss, and then the screen goes black.
My head drops onto my knees. What do I do now? I regret watching the video before I’ve left Cabo. As my mind replays her words, my emotions fly all over the place.
Audrey had seen my feelings for Lance. Will I be able to walk away knowing that I could be making a mistake? What if the reason I’d been unable to let go, the reason I felt his pain today is because we’re connected? What if he’s the one and I walk away from something good?
I rise from the floor, shaking my head.
I can’t leave. I need to find out how this ends, or I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering. I owe it to myself and maybe I owe it to Audrey. Wrapping my arms around my waist, rocking back and forth, I close my eyes. Her apology came a few years too late, but it’s still an apology. And she did make up for it.
“I forgive you,” I say in the silence. Then I pick up my phone and call Bryant.
“I’d like to go and see Lance again tomorrow. Can you ask them to let me in? Maybe talk to his psychologist?”
“What made you change your mind?” Bryant’s voice is heavy with sleep, but underneath, I sense excitement and relief.
“I feel so bad about what my sister did. I want to give him a proper apology. Please, can you arrange for me to see him?”
“I really appreciate you doing that. I know how hard it is for you. I’ll call Dr. Drew first thing in the morning. I can’t promise he’ll grant you access. But I’ll do my best.”
I thank him and end the call and fall back on the bed.
Since so many thoughts are still plaguing my mind, mainly the fear that Lance will turn me away, I go downstairs for a glass of milk. On my way back up, I come across photographs of the five brothers hanging from the walls. Everyone is smiling except Lance, whose jaw is set tight, shadows of pain in his eyes. If he holds so much pain, how would he be able to love anyone again? Am I setting myself up for heartbreak?
There’s only one way to find out.
8
Lance
On my drive back to Crystal Lake
from an external appointment, my phone rings.
I press it to my ear. “Doc?”
“Lance, I’m sorry we weren’t able to talk this morning. I had to attend video session calls with some patients from Boston. I hope your physio went well.”
“It did.” I glance at the driver and then at the cars ahead of us. “We should be at Crystal Lake in less than five minutes. Is there something urgent you want to discuss?”
Doc clears his throat. “I’m calling about something that might not please you.”
My chest tightens. “And that is?”
“Alice Dupuis is here to see you.” He clears his throat again. “I tried to call you, but you were tied up, as I can imagine.”
“You let her in again?” My voice is dangerously low. “I specifically asked you not to give her access to me.”
“It’s not what you think,” he says quickly. “Your brother called earlier this morning to let me know she wants to see you again.”
“And you agreed without asking me. This is getting ridiculous.”
“I respected your wishes and refused her entry. She came anyway.”
“Where is she now? With you?” I pinch the bridge of my nose. What does the woman want from me? She gave me the video. I watched it. What’s she back for this time?
“She’s not with me. The guard called to say she’s waiting outside the gate. She refuses to leave until she sees you.” He pauses. “I know she reminds you of a bad time in your life, but you have to keep in mind that she did nothing wrong. The person who hurt you was her sister.”
“I see her,” I say, squinting through the windshield. “Let’s talk later.”
The moment we drive past the Mercedes Bryant uses when he’s in town, she sees me through the car window and gets out. Before we can drive through the gates, she jogs toward the van, her yellow canary dress floating in the wind.
“Stop the car,” I say to the driver, my tone defeated.
“I don’t suppose you have another message for me,” I say as she catches up, breathless.
